Being on your own

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mike1111

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I've been thinking about this and jotted down some thoughts. I don't claim any originality!

I have experienced how unpleasant it can be to be lonely, and how it can play on your mind. If you think about it the wrong way and worry about it, it becomes a kind of panic. It can suck you into a vortex of desperation which is almost suffocating. You keep trying, ever more desperately, to think of ways to "correct" the situation and meet other people. Panicky attempts to do this inevitably fail, which only exacerbates the feeling of hopelessness  (If you are in this state of mind, you can actually drive people away).

One thing that has helped me is the realization of the fact that everyone is always on their own. When you are with people, whether one to one, or a group, you can still only be you. No one else can ever be part of you. Who you are is always contained solely within your own mind. 

You feel this when you are with people who are getting on your nerves and you actually wish you could get away and be on your own. It is also evident when you  see couples together who are just sitting there looking bored and not communicating in any way.  When you realize that you are always on your own whatever you are doing, or whoever you are with, you find that being on your own isn't really the problem. The problem is when you think yourself into feeling trapped and start on the negative thinking spiral. 

I am not suggesting that there is no point in being with others. Obviously it can be very enjoyable to spend time with people you get on with. I think the best thing to do is firstly realize that you are OK as you are. Then think in slow time of ways you can spend some time with others. Things like walking groups, church (whether you are religious or not), book clubs, lunch clubs or anything where you meet people. Consider even things that are completely outside your comfort zone like poetry or play reading. Doing something you would normally rule out is a good idea anyway. It goes along with that idea that "keep doing what you are doing and keep getting what you get".
 
Alex Supertramp II said:
I like being on my own. Life is simpler, less agonizing, that way.

I can understand this but in another thread you say you try to shut everyone else out of you life. Why?
 
I try to shut everyone out of my life because, in the end, I just end up being judged for my "out of the box" thinking and I loathe pretending to be normal. I'm practically incapable of small talk - I stutter when I try it - and, as an Aspie with PTSD and bipolar disorder, people trigger me into isolating anyway.
 
Alex Supertramp II said:
I try to shut everyone out of my life because, in the end, I just end up being judged for my "out of the box" thinking and I loathe pretending to be normal. I'm practically incapable of small talk - I stutter when I try it - and, as an Aspie with PTSD and bipolar disorder, people trigger me into isolating anyway.

I struggle with small talk too. It doesn’t interest me, and, to be honest, I find it very shallow and people will say things they think will tow the popular line, and expect everyone to agree with them. I often get the feeling people tell me to jump, and expect me to simply ask how high do they want me to jump .... and then they get really shitty when I don’t ask, let alone don’t jump. Maybe it is the autism, I’m not sure.
 
Cucuboth said:
Alex Supertramp II said:
I try to shut everyone out of my life because, in the end, I just end up being judged for my "out of the box" thinking and I loathe pretending to be normal. I'm practically incapable of small talk - I stutter when I try it - and, as an Aspie with PTSD and bipolar disorder, people trigger me into isolating anyway.

I struggle with small talk too. It doesn’t interest me, and, to be honest, I find it very shallow and people will say things they think will tow the popular line, and expect everyone to agree with them. I often get the feeling people tell me to jump, and expect me to simply ask how high do they want me to jump .... and then they get really shitty when I don’t ask, let alone don’t jump. Maybe it is the autism, I’m not sure.

I can understand both the comments above. I also think small talk is frustratingly shallow. On the other hand I don't think rejecting people because of it is the best approach. It is very difficult to strike up a deep and meaningful conversation with someone you don't know and I think nearly everyone struggles in this respect.  Most relationships will stay on a superficial level, but if you reject people too quickly you will miss the chance to get to know people with with whom you might have had a deeper relationship. If you do really like being on your own then there's no problem but, if you want things to change, being over critical of others is not going to help. Being negative is not likely to have a positive result.
 
I love being on my own to and see it as a postive. However i find it get depressed when i spend too much time on my own. I like my space, but after a while its nice for me to be around people.
 
Neena21 said:
I love being on my own to and see it as a postive.  However i find it get depressed when i spend too much time on my own.  I like my space, but after a while its nice for me to be around people.

I agree.  I would find it very stressful if I couldn't get away from people. I can happily spend a lot of time on my own but it is nice to be able to choose. I think feeling isolated is not a good feeling.
 
Neena21 said:
I love being on my own to and see it as a postive.  However i find it get depressed when i spend too much time on my own.  I like my space, but after a while its nice for me to be around people.

I understand. It hurts me after awhile when I am alone too much. Just one person for me to hang around with would be nice.
 

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