Lack of Friends

I have a fairly successful life.  I am happily married and we have raised 3 great kids.  We both have good careers.  My youngest is a senior and goint to graduate from HS this year and off to college.  It's fairly close about 20 min away but she will be living in the dorm.    But, that will be a big change.  However, once my kids are moving on to their adult lives, i realize that DH and I really don't have any friends.  Seems we have been so busy working, taking care of our home and life , that we are not very social.  And, in reality, we both are home bodies who enjoy staying at home.  I feel like there must be something wrong with me.  I dont' have a "squad or a tribe".  I don't have "people".   Neither of us were born in this town and it's a small rural town and quite insulated.  Not all that welcoming to people who didn't grow up here.  The few people I have gotten to know were not born here either.
    And, i have come to realize that I really never had many friends.  I have one best life long friend who lives about 2 hrs away.  We do get together about once a month or so and we talk on the phone.  She literally is the only friend I feel that I could call who would come running and vice versa.  But, I don't have girlfriends to drink wine with our hang out and BS with.  
  I feel embarrassed to hear others talk about all the bbqs or things that they do and would be embarrassed to admit that I don't ever have any parties to go to for 4th of July or any other holidays.  Every holiday is just us.  And, that is wonderful and I am very blessed with my husband and children.  But, I wonder if I am a social misfit in some way.  I have a professional job, college degree and have interests in many things.  But, i can't seem to connect with other woman.  I never seem to get past simply being an "acquantance" to anyone.  I have put myself out there and made overtures, inviting people for coffee or to do things, but everyone is too "busy".  Yet, i see people can manage to pull together groups of friends to take a beach vacation, but i can't even get someone to go have lunch or a cup of coffee.    I try to be positive and upbeat to be around.  I am naturally a more serious somber person, but i can let loose and have fun as well.  
  I think my biggest fear is that if DH and I no longer have each other, we will be totally alone.  Our kids will move on to their own lives and I doubt it will be in this small town where there are no jobs.

welcome!

seem to me you have a good life already is good you have one woman friend, while i'm easier to connect to men than women, i cannot stand women in majority, by experience. there are few good women but they are rare, most are gone, they are virtual, the rest are just phew so i'm enjoying my own company less drama.

Thank you for the welcome! I just feel that is maybe the one piece that is missing. Like why am I not more a part of things? I do volunteer. I participate in my community. And, I see people at whatever I am doing but it never goes beyond the purpose for why we are there. Someone did tell me once that this is a small town and most of these folks grew up and went to HS here and have extended families so they really dont' "need" any more people. And, I think there is some truth to that, but it just seems I could have been a bit more successful after living here for 20+ yrs.

You are part of your husband and kids.

Fluffer, your situation's common but not hopeless. Allow me to share my experience and some encouragement with you.

As I approached retirement, I became more sentimental about good old times and lost friends along the way.  I actually looked up, contacted, visited, and reestablished friendships with 2 childhood playmates, a childhood church pastor; 2 high school buddies, a college roommate, and 2 old coworkers - all relationships abandoned 30-40 years ago.  The effort has been well rewarded with guys who were also feeling more reminiscent with their retirement/old age era approaching.   I now visit most of these guys once a year when I return stateside - and that's enough to value and appreciate.  We thoroughly enjoy a mix between the old days we talk about and the fun new activities and memories we're making now.  I'd encourage you to think back and see if there's any friends you gained and lost through the years that you might be able to track down again.  You'll have to be the one to reach out, but a positive response may just win you a good relationship for the years to come.  Everyone's valuable, even if it's a long distance one dependent upon calls, emails and occasional visits.

Your best friend being 2 hours away may not be ideal, but it's manageable, and you've done a great job visiting each other monthly and maintaining that priceless friendship.  So, you've got your hubby for daily contact and a nearby best friend.  But, for a most enjoyable retirement life, you do need local relationships.

I've shared your difficulties meeting others who have the time or interest in building a friendship.  Seems like most folks are consumed with their families and careers - and already have the few friends they want.  Assertiveness is required to win their time and attention.  Reaching retirement age changes much of that though; it frees up time and opportunity for more relationships. So while you might meet people at town events or volunteer functions, hanging out with older folks may yield more receptiveness to new friendships - people who also want simple, daily social interaction and have time in their lives for it.  I'm sure there are such people and groups in your area that will likely welcome you, but you need to be assertive and seek them out.

My best suggestion is for you to find, join, and become active in a good local, Christian church - if you haven't already.  There, if you join a small group and participate in the church activities, you'll certainly meet a number of friendly, welcoming people.  A couple of those should have serious friend potential.  Christians are all part of God's church family.  If you're not part of that, you're missing your best potential for worthwhile relationships that will make your retirement years most enjoyable.

I've one final comment to help motivate you and encourage assertiveness in this matter.  The Christian relationships one builds here in this temporary life will be part of the crowd greeting you in the eternal life to come.  So don't stay home and allow yourself to stay isolated.  Our whole purpose in life is to first know and love the Lord, and to second love and help others.  Make your time here count towards those relationships.

Thank you for those words of encouragement. I wish there was a like button! It's just nice to be among others who maybe have felt the same way .

Fluffer, I visit this site just once a week, and was pleased this morning to find your favorable response.  Truth is, I'm not used to that here, so I notice and appreciate it when it occurs.  My day's off to a good start, thanks to you.  God bless you.

Why not try to find a group in a nearby town, such as where your daughter is going to college?
I know how you feel about not being accepted because you are an outsider. My situation is a little different, but in the end, it's the same result. Where I live, there is my town, that I live outside of and then there are several towns surrounding my town that are at least 10 miles away. There's nothing to do in "my" town because it's too small, so I have to go to the other towns if I want to do anything. I would say maybe see if there are clubs or something you can join or volunteer or something. Don't let your town discourage you, you can do it.

As for you and your husband. What about traveling? You talk about people having BBQs and all that, but why not travel when they do that. Go somewhere new each time. Even if it's just a small day trip nearby.

fluffer said:

I have a fairly successful life.  I am happily married and we have raised 3 great kids.  We both have good careers.  My youngest is a senior and goint to graduate from HS this year and off to college.  It's fairly close about 20 min away but she will be living in the dorm.    But, that will be a big change.  However, once my kids are moving on to their adult lives, i realize that DH and I really don't have any friends.  Seems we have been so busy working, taking care of our home and life , that we are not very social.  And, in reality, we both are home bodies who enjoy staying at home.  I feel like there must be something wrong with me.  I dont' have a "squad or a tribe".  I don't have "people".   Neither of us were born in this town and it's a small rural town and quite insulated.  Not all that welcoming to people who didn't grow up here.  The few people I have gotten to know were not born here either.
    And, i have come to realize that I really never had many friends.  I have one best life long friend who lives about 2 hrs away.  We do get together about once a month or so and we talk on the phone.  She literally is the only friend I feel that I could call who would come running and vice versa.  But, I don't have girlfriends to drink wine with our hang out and BS with.  
  I feel embarrassed to hear others talk about all the bbqs or things that they do and would be embarrassed to admit that I don't ever have any parties to go to for 4th of July or any other holidays.  Every holiday is just us.  And, that is wonderful and I am very blessed with my husband and children.  But, I wonder if I am a social misfit in some way.  I have a professional job, college degree and have interests in many things.  But, i can't seem to connect with other woman.  I never seem to get past simply being an "acquantance" to anyone.  I have put myself out there and made overtures, inviting people for coffee or to do things, but everyone is too "busy".  Yet, i see people can manage to pull together groups of friends to take a beach vacation, but i can't even get someone to go have lunch or a cup of coffee.    I try to be positive and upbeat to be around.  I am naturally a more serious somber person, but i can let loose and have fun as well.  
  I think my biggest fear is that if DH and I no longer have each other, we will be totally alone.  Our kids will move on to their own lives and I doubt it will be in this small town where there are no jobs.

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I feel the same way.  I am a middle aged female. I am positive and like conversing and sharing with others.   I like to be emotionally generous.  I even lead a social group.  But I have trouble making the leap from acquaintance to friendship.  I don't know what it is.  Not many females are interested in being my friend and I don't know why.  I would be curious why so at least I know.   I just thought of something. There was this Tarot/Oracle reader who gave me a really good read a few months back.  I can maybe ask her!  Wouldn't it be great to know???   I do know I am an introverted homebody, especially in the winter but I don't think that would be it.  Sometimes I don't feel "cool" enough for this time and culture.   It would be nice to share more with others my age.  It makes me sad sometimes.  It's missing.  If you ever figure it out please let us know.

I too, have difficulty forming friendships with other women. I put it down to growing up with brothers - I just relate better to men. Not saying I'm a tomboy at all—in fact the complete opposite—but I find men are more straightforward and I tend to have more in common with them. I'm in a similar situation - married, one child (11) and very much a homebody and introvert. Neither of us really have friends locally. Does it bother me that as a middle-aged woman, I don't have a 'tribe' of close female friends that I can hang out with? Sometimes, when I'm feeling down on myself. But I try not to let that fact bother me - I tend to be a loner anyway, so most of the time it doesn't bother me. I think the older I get, the more I don't give a honeysuckle - so other women out there are getting together for a 'girl's night out'. . .meh. Whatever. The whole idea doesn't appeal to me anyway, so why do I care? Because society says I should have girlfriends? I call BS. I'm not 'one of the girls' and I'm (pretty much) fine with it.