How do you make friends when you're already emotionally starved?

I have been living alone for over 5 years, and it has been impossible to build platonic relationships due to inexperience and shyness as well as the usual barriers that adults must climb over if they just want to share a coffee with someone.

I now feel so alone that I don't have any more hobbies or interests apart from fighting off loneliness and I don't know what I am supposed to want. Living alone is brutal, if affects my mood so badly, I can barely even work or operate which only leads to more loneliness. 

If I ask people questions about themselves they get defensive, if I stay quiet they get frustrated, often people in clubs/groups also struggle with inexperience or their emotions. Sometimes I fail to hit the right notes. I've rarely met anyone who dares to open up, it's such a horrible place to be.

The last thing I want to do is go out and start talking to strangers again. I no longer have the nerve. I know it's all that's left. But the thought of going to any more groups or courses makes me physically hurt. I don't know what to do or where to go and dread every day, sometimes I'm in tears, where does a grown man go in this situation. I'm completely exhausted. Just someone give up the answers already.

I really want to have the answer but i my self i don't want to get hurt by people trying making friends is lot works and i don't need friends like i used to because i am enough with my spouse, my spouse's family, my pets. I am dare to meet people or new people without hope, expectation is enough.

Get hobbies, volunteer, go out into the world, and above all else TALK to people. You can meet people anywhere, but if there are people coming together for a shared hobby/interest or to help others, it's usually easier to strike up a conversation.

And no more excuses, it doesn't take experience to talk to people and shyness is also generally used as an excuse to not do things. Start with hello, see where it goes. It might take a few tries to get it going, but what do you have to lose, right?

TheRealCallie said:

Get hobbies, volunteer, go out into the world,

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C'mon, I am so tired now, going out and volunteering or jumping into clubs has got so old, I am so tired, I'm only looking for friends. What does this world WANT???!!!???

talk11 said:

TheRealCallie said:

Get hobbies, volunteer, go out into the world,

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C'mon, I am so tired now, going out and volunteering or jumping into clubs has got so old, I am so tired, I'm only looking for friends. What does this world WANT???!!!???

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You rarely get something for nothing.  If you want friends, you have to be around people.  You have to talk to people.  There isn't really a way around that.

You said you're tired of groups, have you tried attending a church nearby? A small group or Sunday school. I won't preach (you'll get enough of that if at church, but consider a church just for the concentration of people there, many of whom will be looking for connection too.
On a different note; it sounds like you've tried a lot of stuff. Do you feel like you might have been trying too hard?

SirBacon said:

On a different note; it sounds like you've tried a lot of stuff.  Do you feel like you might have been trying too hard?

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Or not hard enough.  I've found that when you are in a rut and ready to give up, you may think you're trying and doing EVERYTHING, but you're really only half assing it.

Zedr said:

I have been living alone for over 5 years, and it has been impossible to build platonic relationships due to inexperience and shyness as well as the usual barriers that adults must climb over if they just want to share a coffee with someone.

I now feel so alone that I don't have any more hobbies or interests apart from fighting off loneliness and I don't know what I am supposed to want. Living alone is brutal, if affects my mood so badly, I can barely even work or operate which only leads to more loneliness. 

If I ask people questions about themselves they get defensive, if I stay quiet they get frustrated, often people in clubs/groups also struggle with inexperience or their emotions. Sometimes I fail to hit the right notes. I've rarely met anyone who dares to open up, it's such a horrible place to be.

The last thing I want to do is go out and start talking to strangers again. I no longer have the nerve. I know it's all that's left. But the thought of going to any more groups or courses makes me physically hurt. I don't know what to do or where to go and dread every day, sometimes I'm in tears, where does a grown man go in this situation. I'm completely exhausted. Just someone give up the answers already.

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  Hello Zedr

What i would suggest is that with shyness it is important to bring people to you.  So join groups etc.  when you go remember to smile and wear something bright that will attract people to you.  Also take along sweets that you can offer to people.

This will bring people to you.  By joining groups you can talk about your hobbies/interests.  This will make it easier for you.

I am not the best one to answer as I don't have a friend group! I mean, there is good advice about volunteering, joining clubs, etc. However, for me, i have tried much of that. And, I have come to realize that really isn't for me. So, I have embraced more solitude. But, i pursue things that give me pleasure. I really like to bake bread and cook. I focus on what i enjoy. As a result, having my own interests in some way makes me more social and i have more to talk about.

I read in an Enid Blyton book as a child that in order to have a friend, you have to first be a friend. It has stuck with me ever since and helped me make friends quiet easily. 

My take away from that line was to always think of the other person first before myself. The easiest way to make a friend is to offer help. Offer to carry bags for people, or open the door or give up your seat etc for strangers. For people I already know, I offer to help with whatever task they are doing or if they are going through a rough time, I will try to be as supportive as I can be. Most of my friends now I made from volunteering, which again started off with a desire to help. I didn't choose a particular age group/type...I engaged everyone. I feel like having different kinds of people as friends helps build a reliable and strong foundation for support.

The other thing is to be friendly. As in get people to talk about what they like, what their goals are etc etc and less about yourself. People feel special and heard and seen that way. 

For many of us who are struggling with emotional stuff, it can be hard to talk about optimistic, happy stuff when we feel the opposite but the reality is that people are not attracted to that. I had to put aside my issues to engage with people.

Eventually, you'll discover that not everyone will be a good friend back and you just have to let them go with no hard feelings. But if you are patient, there will always be some who will be as good a friend to you as you are to them.

But first, you have to put yourself out there, bite the bullet and talk to people. At every opportunity. There will awkward experiences, rejection etc etc but there will also be acceptance and reciprocation. Just keep at it ok?

Hope this helps, it worked for me at least. Good luck!

Zedr, everyone above has given you good advice.  The only solution to your problem is to get out and be assertive with your intent, and there are a variety of ways to do this.  

When I was young and lonely, I forced myself to take dance lessons 2 nights a week and to go out to a good country bar 6 nights a week.  Each night I mandated my shy self to ask a new girl to dance and to strike up a conversation with another guy at the place.  It was uncomfortable work, but my assertiveness paid off with several friendly aquaintances and a terrific girlfriend for 3 years.  

Now, I'm older and not wanting to play the bar scene.  I agree with Sirbacon that church is an excellent way to pursue your cause.  Let me qualify this idea though.  First, pick a good Christian Church, not a cult religion like LDS, JW, or Scientology.  Why? Because a church can change your life and better it be right than wrong.  I'd suggest a nondenominational community church with traditional Protestant Christian doctrines.  Second, pick a church that has small groups and activities.  Third, join one of the small groups and get involved with other church activities.  A few months of this could change your life - in a fairly easy manner.  In that environment, you'll find the others reaching out to you.

TheRealCallie said:

SirBacon said:

On a different note; it sounds like you've tried a lot of stuff.  Do you feel like you might have been trying too hard?

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Or not hard enough.  I've found that when you are in a rut and ready to give up, you may think you're trying and doing EVERYTHING, but you're really only half assing it.

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How long have you been trying to push through trying everything?  Usually friends/relationships are like fish--you can't just reach in and grab them, you have to use patience and a good lure.  Maybe your not-half-trying is actually trying too hard.

Personally I feel that patience can sometimes be a two-way street - I agree that developing friends requires patience, but it's also a question of whether or not the other person is patient enough to deal with someone who is socially inexperienced.

Though I do acknowledge my own personal tendency to say silly things, some people can be quite fickle and not give you a chance. As others have mentioned, volunteering seems to be the right way to go as people who volunteer tend to be more compassionate.

I just never seem to move from aquaintance to friend. I mean, i have tried to invite people for tea or to do other things, go to lunch, etc. I have tried to be patient and not push it. But, it seems people can book 20 friends go to stay at a beach house but I cannot even get a friend to meet for lunch.

SirBacon said:

TheRealCallie said:

SirBacon said:

On a different note; it sounds like you've tried a lot of stuff.  Do you feel like you might have been trying too hard?

Click to expand...

Or not hard enough.  I've found that when you are in a rut and ready to give up, you may think you're trying and doing EVERYTHING, but you're really only half assing it.

Click to expand...

How long have you been trying to push through trying everything?  Usually friends/relationships are like fish--you can't just reach in and grab them, you have to use patience and a good lure.  Maybe your not-half-trying is actually trying too hard.

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I actually have friends again, so I obviously worked through my issues.  
What I was trying to say is that you may be trying, but you are also sabotaging yourself.  Or another way to put  it is you aren't actually doing what you think because you feel it's pointless and won't accomplish anything. But you won't see any of that because of the negativity

hewhowalksalone said:

Personally I feel that patience can sometimes be a two-way street - I agree that developing friends requires patience, but it's also a question of whether or not the other person is patient enough to deal with someone who is socially inexperienced.

Though I do acknowledge my own personal tendency to say silly things, some people can be quite fickle and not give you a chance.  As others have mentioned, volunteering seems to be the right way to go as people who volunteer tend to be more compassionate.

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Yep. Friendship, like all kinds of relationships, is a two way street. You need to try, yeah, but someone else has to want to try as well. I think that gets forgotten, especially on here. 

I used to get told that the longer you keep going somewhere, to a group, work, a place to volunteer at, ect ect, the more used to you people will get, and that they will become friends. Huh. That has never happened. I am patient. Sometimes, I think, too patient. The longer I stay somewhere, the longer I keep going somewhere, the more invisible I seem to become. Yeah, I think people get used to me ... but they get used to not seeing me, not noticing me, not caring. I would even say that a lot of the time, it ends up feeling like I am expected to be OK with that. The responses and reactions I get make it feel like that. That it is expected that I want to be invisible, and people get angry when I show that 
I don’t want that ... often, it has lead to more bullying, and definitely being more ostracised.

I think that in some ways it is just better to accept one's reality. Like, I am never going to have a tribe or squad of people around me. I have spent years trying, volunteering, etc. And, in those years, people were very happy to use me, but that was about it. I realized the only time they contacted me was when they needed something. So, i am done with that. I have solitude. Solitude is not loneliness but embracing the peace of your life. Yes, i mean, i do get lonely and wish for something more. But, I am ok just doing things on my own and finding enjoyment in that.

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And, if you feel emotionally starved, it is much harder because people sense that desperation and stay away. Unfortunately the very thing you need and want, the desperation sends out vibes to people who then keep distance. I think working on yourself is really how I approach it. And, then if i make some connections while pursing my own interests, then that is great. If not , then I enjoyed whatever it was that i am pursuing.

fluffer said:

I think that in some ways it is just better to accept one's reality.  Like, I am never going to have a tribe or squad of people around me.  I have spent years trying, volunteering, etc.  And, in those years, people were very happy to use me, but that was about it.   I realized the only time they contacted me was when they needed something.  So, i am done with that.  I have solitude.  Solitude is not loneliness but embracing the peace of your life.  Yes, i mean, i do get lonely and wish for something more.  But, I am ok just doing things on my own and finding enjoyment in that.

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And, if you feel emotionally starved, it is much harder because people sense that desperation and stay away.  Unfortunately the very thing you need and want, the desperation sends out vibes to people who then keep distance.  I think working on yourself is really how I approach it.  And, then if i make some connections while pursing my own interests, then that is great.  If not , then I enjoyed whatever it was that i am pursuing.

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Not everyone can be happy with a life on their own. I have been told, and seen here so many times, people saying that happiness comes from within ourselves. OK. But then most of the time they then proceed to tell you that you have to do what they say. What if having someone in your life, be a part of your life, someone to share things with, affection and intimacy, is part of what you need to have that happiness in yourself? If it really does come from within ... within ourselves, within each of us, individually ... then nobody really has the right to tell us that what we want is wrong (unless it is legally wrong of course). Some people can be happy with solitude. Some can’t.

I am not suggesting that at all. Just give perspective from my own live. Everyone's mileage will vary. I personally feel lonlier in crowds and forced socialization has not resulted in me feeling any happier. For others, it may. For MYSELF, when i focused on thing that I enjoy , then I am happier. That doesnt' mean I still wouldn't like more, but trying to find my way in the best way I know how.

Cucuboth said:

fluffer said:

I think that in some ways it is just better to accept one's reality.  Like, I am never going to have a tribe or squad of people around me.  I have spent years trying, volunteering, etc.  And, in those years, people were very happy to use me, but that was about it.   I realized the only time they contacted me was when they needed something.  So, i am done with that.  I have solitude.  Solitude is not loneliness but embracing the peace of your life.  Yes, i mean, i do get lonely and wish for something more.  But, I am ok just doing things on my own and finding enjoyment in that.

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And, if you feel emotionally starved, it is much harder because people sense that desperation and stay away.  Unfortunately the very thing you need and want, the desperation sends out vibes to people who then keep distance.  I think working on yourself is really how I approach it.  And, then if i make some connections while pursing my own interests, then that is great.  If not , then I enjoyed whatever it was that i am pursuing.

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Not everyone can be happy with a life on their own. I have been told, and seen here so many times, people saying that happiness comes from within ourselves. OK. But then most of the time they then proceed to tell you that you have to do what they say. What if having someone in your life, be a part of your life, someone to share things with, affection and intimacy, is part of what you need to have that happiness in yourself? If it really does come from within ... within ourselves, within each of us, individually ... then nobody really has the right to tell us that what we want is wrong (unless it is legally wrong of course). Some people can be happy with solitude. Some can’t.

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Unless I'm missing something I think you're referring to posts where people tried to point out that since you can't force a relationship to happen you just have to try and find a way to be happy alone in the mean time. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think anyone on here is going to tell you that wanting companionship is a bad thing.