A Poisonous Concoction of Shyness and Social Anxiety

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pim

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Ah, how I love ominous thread titles! 

I've been lurking these forums for awhile, so starting this type of thread is a first for me. New year, new me, huh?

Like many other users on this site, I have social anxiety. On top of that, I’ve always had an extremely timid disposition, which has further prevented me from seeking out friends (and from posting on internet forums, apparently). It was easier to deal with when I was younger since people usually approached me first, but in hindsight, I learned nothing about the importance of initiative. And these days, even when I am granted the opportunity to make friends, such interactions are always rendered fruitless by my inability to actively participate in conversation and deal with my anxiety. I know a certain extent of my problems are the result of my inherent shyness, but I can't help but wonder how much it truly affects my sociability in comparison to my social anxiety disorder.

I could go on and on about this, but I am in dire need of someone else’s perspective on the matter. I don't have any specific questions, but I'd like to dedicate this thread to those who have also struggled with social anxiety and shyness, whether it's your thoughts, experiences, or advice - anything helps! Perhaps you disagree with my distinction between shyness and SAD? I'm sure there's no right answer to any question I ask, so simply hearing back from the community will be useful enough.
 
Heia. 
Good on you for reaching out! 😸
It's great that you decided to jump into it. 
I don't have social anxiety but I have the "general" one so I know the feeling. 
If you ever need someone to talk to then hit me up. 💗
 
i'm alone by design which is great so i don't have to deal with toxic people on daily basis i spend my worth time only with good kindhearted people.

introvert and shyness are good character in a person until toxic people hijacked it while their bosom are hanging and their bottom are spreads its not fun anymore its just sad. toxic people with extroverted style are the worst.
 
I used to have horrible social anxiety. Just the thought of it sent me into a tail spin. What worked for me was forcing myself to socialize, but I did it socially as not to completely overload myself. Start by going out and saying hi to people you pass (not all of them, that will make you look like a loon, if you are in a crowded area. lol). When you get that down, start a conversation with a cashier or someone like that. Keep building yourself up and eventually you will be doing it all without even noticing any anxiety. Should help with the shyness too.

And if you are beginning to feel anxious, don't panic. That just makes it worse. If you can, stop what you are doing, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. In for a count of three or four, out for a count of three or four. Actually count it out in your head (not out loud). That should help you with the anxiety, but it may not work if it's already full blown, it's vital to do that before it gets overwhelming.
 
My social anxiety is bone deep, but then again, I'm autistic so that comes with the territory. Because I'm also cursed with bipolar disorder and PTSD, me going out to meet people is an impossible waste of time. As I grow older, I trust less and discern more. People are just toxic to me; my friends are the two angel fishes and a pleco in my 10 gallon aquarium. As long as I remain on disability and there's a roof over my head, I'll abide.
 
That's exactly how I feel. Growing up, I had tons of friends, and I rarely initiated it either. People just came to me. And I wonder why that doesn't happen anymore? I mean, it still does with men for me but I know they're not looking for just friendship. All my friends were girls in middle and high school, and now even trying to reconnect with some of those girls doesn't work! Maybe it's needing to be persistent...I don't know. I've given up on all that. It takes so much out of me, trying to make friends. I got over my social anxiety for awhile with psychiatric medication and alcoholism, but at that point it became about rejection. I can't handle the embarrassment of trying to make a friend who doesn't want to be. My self esteem is fragile, and it's much easier to convince yourself that everyone else is the problem.
 
Suffered all my life pretty much apart from my early twenties when I read the book 'How to make friends and Influence people'.What a golden period that was but fool that I am I relapsed ,left the office took up a solitary job ,married etc , socialised with my broth and his mates ,kids followed and not till lately am i making the first steps to conquering it.

So please my advice is to try and start now with small steps like the Realcallie has suggested.Don't let it fester because a life of avoidance is a total waste  and believe me the pain and regret of missing out on loads of activities and interests , making friends is ....have you got all day lol.


Good Luck.
 
So sorry u have social anxiety too. I have had it all my life. It is extremely difficult to deal with. I have no friends in real life. Just my cat and wild animals I feed. It can be difficult to  post on forums. I find it even difficult to chat online too at times.  I'm a tiny  bit better at it than I used to be though .
In real life my social anxiety is worse though.  I also can be very timid as well.
I understand how lonely it can be and depressing. It's hard to find people that are understanding and patient with people that have bad social anxiety. It's a struggle everyday. :(

iu
 
I have social anxiety, but I am also an Aspie (have Asperger's), so I'm forever treading a borderline between trying to relate to people -- trying to understand human behavior -- and wanting to just stay to myself because people baffle me, and I prefer my own interests.

Like when people reach out and they are very friendly, and then they withdraw and refuse to talk to me, but won't say why, and this pattern of behavior repeats over time, for years. I don't know how to interpret that.

I am like that also -- extended periods of silence, interspersed with times of interaction and ability to socialize in small amounts. But i have learned to apologize for my extended silences, or just explain that I am not a very social person normally .... rather than just ghosting people. I am something of an INTJ/INFP (personality type), so I naturally tend towards extended solitude and silence.

I don't understand being ghosted ...... followed by people just reappearing and being very friendly and caring, and then vanishing again without warning. Too much like my family's "silent treatment" (used as a punishment), so I learned not to trust this behavior, unless I know the person has recurring depression and anxiety (like I do). But sometimes it's also a form of manipulation as well.
 
I prefer girl friends. Not girlfriends. I've not had a girlfriend for...well, never mind how long. I've always gotten along better with women than men. Not that there isn't a bestie of the male variety out there for me, but my history with the guys has been one of betrayal and deceit. Them, not me. Women have never been anything but good to me. My female friends outnumber my male friends three to one and I can't recall a single one that has left me with regretting their friendship.

I'm outgoing. Never afraid to talk. I have my anxieties and even a bit of shy, but most often it melts after a few words. But there never seems to be any reason to continue after that first meeting. Maybe I'm obnoxious.

Nah.

So what is it that brings to me the sweetest of the female gender but the most untrustworthy of the male gender?

It's hard to make a friend when you've learned not to trust.
 
nerdgrl said:
I have social anxiety, but I am also an Aspie (have Asperger's), so I'm forever treading a borderline between trying to relate to people -- trying to understand human behavior -- and wanting to just stay to myself because people baffle me, and I prefer my own interests.

Like when people reach out and they are very friendly, and then they withdraw and refuse to talk to me, but won't say why, and this pattern of behavior repeats over time, for years. I don't know how to interpret that.

I am like that also -- extended periods of silence, interspersed with times of interaction and ability to socialize in small amounts. But i have learned to apologize for my extended silences, or just explain that I am not a very social person normally .... rather than just ghosting people. I am something of an INTJ/INFP (personality type), so I naturally tend towards extended solitude and silence.

I don't understand being ghosted ...... followed by people just reappearing and being very friendly and caring, and then vanishing again without warning.  Too much like my family's "silent treatment" (used as a punishment), so I learned not to trust this behavior, unless I know the person has recurring depression and anxiety (like I do). But sometimes it's also a form of manipulation as well.

I'm sorry about that. It could be that they have other things in their lives, and an online friend isn't all that important to them.  

One huge problem I've had with posting online is extreme and consistent rudeness towards me. I haven't had any true friends in my life, too. 

It's nice that people are very friendly to you when they do respond to you, though. I tend to get a lot of condescension from online "friends." And the interactions are usually one-sided, too, with me often responding immediately, and them taking weeks or even months to respond. I get ghosted a lot, too. 

I'm more like a natural ambivert, but I've been forced into introversion due to exclusion and mistreatment from others. I'm actually not that comfortable with extended periods of silence most of the time. I have a pretty typical need for interaction with people, since I'm not a true extreme introvert. 

Are you really an INTJ/INFP, or is there a typo in there? Do you mean INFJ/P?

INFJ/P are sometimes said to be the most extroverted of the I types. Some INFJ/Ps can come across like extroverts. I always get INFP in online tests these days, but I also relate to descriptions of INFJ and ENFP. And ENFP is said to be the most introverted of the E types.
 
nerdgrl said:
I have social anxiety, but I am also an Aspie (have Asperger's), so I'm forever treading a borderline between trying to relate to people -- trying to understand human behavior -- and wanting to just stay to myself because people baffle me, and I prefer my own interests.

Like when people reach out and they are very friendly, and then they withdraw and refuse to talk to me, but won't say why, and this pattern of behavior repeats over time, for years. I don't know how to interpret that.

I am like that also -- extended periods of silence, interspersed with times of interaction and ability to socialize in small amounts. But i have learned to apologize for my extended silences, or just explain that I am not a very social person normally .... rather than just ghosting people. I am something of an INTJ/INFP (personality type), so I naturally tend towards extended solitude and silence.

I don't understand being ghosted ...... followed by people just reappearing and being very friendly and caring, and then vanishing again without warning. Too much like my family's "silent treatment" (used as a punishment), so I learned not to trust this behavior, unless I know the person has recurring depression and anxiety (like I do). But sometimes it's also a form of manipulation as well.

hey it sux so bad when people ghost . i've had it happen and i had a good friend that had it happen to him all the time.
I think i happens to lots of people. i don't understand why people do it either. They seem to have major issues.
 
Pim - Shyness is good. Social anxiety can be controlled to some extent. In other words, you are super normal and there is nothing wrong with you. You only need to take care of one thing:

Either of this thing doesn't impact your goals, your dreams, and your overall life.

If they do then still you are normal and perfect, it's just that you will have to tackle them. Just one extra step added in life. You have to tackle them so you can have a smooth process in life.

Try meeting different people online and offline. And be yourself. Don't try to be someone else. People know who is genuine and who is pretending.

What I suggested one of my clients in past is - be honest with the people around you. Tell them upfront that you take time to make friends or gel up with them. Do you know what will happen? People will make you so comfortable that you will not even realize that you are meeting them for the first time.

The world is full of helpful people. Join them.
 
People are more likely to be rude towards certain people, as well as to ghost them. The people who have experienced little to no rudeness or ghosting tend to have characteristics that are looked up to, whether they deserve it or not.
 

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