Feeling rejected/not belonging again

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HappyYogi

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Not sure if I posted about this before.

I am part organizer of a social group.  I have a partner who helps me.  I am in my 50s she is around 70.

We've been on friendly terms.  When we discuss things they are pretty much positive. We've shared a few things about our personal lives.

For sometime now she's been saying things that trigger me a little bit.  They trigger my feelings of being left out. Well I AM being left out that's the truth.

Here we are so friendly and everything and early on she said "I won't plan anything this month because this is my birthday month and I am going to spend it with personal friends".  Okay got the message.  She doesn't consider me a personal friend.  I accepted it and got the message.

But later I found out others in our meet up she DOES consider personal friends and are invited to her birthday.  I was talking to one while planning another event. He said "Oh I am at X's birthday lunch!  You know her?"  Of course I know her, she's my partner!  That was a few months back. I was really hurt by that one but got over it.

That hurt me a lot because I couldn't understand why I would be left out as we have had positive interactions but there it is.  I mean I am her co organizer.   You would think I would be included but I am not. 

I kind of got over it, continued my planning conversations with her in a positive way but with a little more boundaries,  even sharing more things and then she says AGAIN how she is meeting up with someone in our group personally on the weekend. She's hinted this at least three times.  I am again not invited.  I say nothing. :( :( :(

I don't know why she does this.  It feels inconsiderate to me.  I don't know if she is trying to send me a message that I am definitely NOT in her group (I have not tried to get into her group) or she just has poor social skills or she wants me to feel bad.  I don't know.   She is over 70 so you think she'd know better.  I know I wouldn't do that.  It feels almost like a bragging or something?

Now even though she is not one of my favorite people (sort of judgmental and not much of a sense of humor) this hurt me naturally. I guess I couldn't understand why others are included but not me.   What is it about me that makes me different?  I read lately that even small social snubs like this can hurt deeply because of our need to belong. Even from people we don't even like that much.  I have accepted it.  It also hurts because this was MY group initially and if I can't find friends with this group where can I find them?  It kind of hit my core sense of security.  However, happily, I do have fun with others in the group, especially on my own activities (by the way I am the only one that does interesting things).

I want to be free of this and not be bothered by her again.  She is NOT worth it!!!  I wouldn't describe her as being very kind or interesting.   It's not like  I really enjoy being around her.  However I would be open and loving to her if she was to me.  But I DID really like one of the people she included and sort of wanted to be in his sphere.   

At this point, and I hate this, I consider her someone I do not trust or like anymore and to minimize contact.  I do not think I'll be as warm with her and just be "business friendly" nothing extra. I also had an X Mas gathering and I didn't invite her and won't invite her to my personal things (but I am not rude enough to mention them).

I am taking other steps.  My group events are events she doesn't really do.  I do hikes and go places where she doesn't drive.  I am always relieved when she "can't make it".  

ALSO I just defriended her "friends" from our group off my FB. They didn't do anything "bad" to me but their faces are a reminder of this situation. And while I wanted to be a friend of one of them I need to distance myself.  Perhaps I tried too hard to befriend him when after she rejected me.  I don't know.  She can have him. I am not going to do a power struggle.  This act has made me feel better.  I am accepting the situation and letting her have these people and moving on.  I can't make anyone want to know me but as they say "The less you care about them the more they care about you".  I am creating an emotional barrier to these people.

I hate having to be this way. I truly like to be warm, supportive and open to everyone but I just can't with people who make me feel bad.


Any thoughts on healing/feeling better?

I wish everyone who is reading this comfort and a positive feelings today   :) :) :)

Thank You
 
There is a show called "Midnight Diner: Tokyo Stories". I'm reminded of Episode 2 in Season 1 on Netflix. Maybe she is quite a bit older and considers you to be a threat. I'm starting to get a bit older myself and, I've found myself surprised lately that the childish disputes of things like gradeschool and highschool continue on at any age. People are really quite childish, even till their last breathe sometimes. I'm sure I am as well; but, it's more likely I am to be taken aback, than to do such to others.

I had a coworker at work, who I'm pretty sure would make fun of me from time to time. He could also be nice, and we would joke around a lot together; but, I think if at any point I made him look weak, or made him embarassed, that sort of thing, he would throw me under the bus. I think he also would follow my lead, and then take it, sort of opportunistically. I am very lonely, and if I listened to the advice of some one like my father, he would say, lighten up, and you were probably being kind of dorky, so that's just how people react, etc..

All my life I've generally been friends with people who were rather opportunistic, at my expense from time to time. They could be very nice and generous and generally there for me sometimes; but, if an opportunity presented itself, they often took it. And to be perfectly honest, I may have done this with others from time to time; but, generally I've been in the backseat, not the drivers seat.

I've avoided one potential friend recently, the guy at work I was talking about. I am lonely and wouldn't mind having some company, especially with some one who doesn't have my hang-ups and might lead me to new experiences; but, I just don't want to be made fun of, like that... In my 30's now, it's the first time I've ever really been picked on like that, I was always the stoic loner nobody could touch, and everyone wanted to get to know, but he found his own company more interesting than others. Now, I'm lonely, and my ability to socialize has suffered, or perhaps, just my confidence.

In the past, I was never really bothered by the slights against me from friends or family; but, lately, the pain of such things hurts too much, and leads to angry sour feelings I'm not used to having. It's uncomfortable and frightening at times. Sadly, these are not things anyone really gets stuck on, except me. People often do things with out even realizing the effect these things had, and forget about it, and won't care afterward, anymore than they cared when they were ignorant. Even more so, they may attack you in defense of a position of innocence on a matter that only matters to you.

I guess this is getting rather lengthy; but, I do not know the answer myself. The only social circle I have is at work, and there, I feel like I'd be embarrassed if anyone ever knew me as the person I am there. I want to get out. The people there are generally inconsiderate, childish, cruel some times. Yet, they can be kind some times. But, I'm kind of tired of that... I'm not used to being at the bottom of the totem pole. I'm used to flying high, alone, and soaring...
 
she is really not worth it, maybe she is so ordinary and boring in her thought and life to says things to you makes her feel uplift to bring you down.

just take it as business work if you can leave the situation of she being your partner, leave the work.

look at the bright side, maybe it gets more hurt to you in her birthday party, better leave them alone scratching each other.
enjoy your peace.
 
TropicalStarfish said:
There is a show called "Midnight Diner: Tokyo Stories".  I'm reminded of Episode 2 in Season 1 on Netflix.  Maybe she is quite a bit older and considers you to be a threat.  I'm starting to get a bit older myself and, I've found myself surprised lately that the childish disputes of things like gradeschool and highschool continue on at any age.  People are really quite childish, even till their last breathe sometimes.  I'm sure I am as well; but, it's more likely I am to be taken aback, than to do such to others.

I had a coworker at work, who I'm pretty sure would make fun of me from time to time.  He could also be nice, and we would joke around a lot together; but, I think if at any point I made him look weak, or made him embarassed, that sort of thing, he would throw me under the bus.  I think he also would follow my lead, and then take it, sort of opportunistically.  I am very lonely, and if I listened to the advice of some one like my father, he would say, lighten up, and you were probably being kind of dorky, so that's just how people react, etc..

All my life I've generally been friends with people who were rather opportunistic, at my expense from time to time.  They could be very nice and generous and generally there for me sometimes; but, if an opportunity presented itself, they often took it.  And to be perfectly honest, I may have done this with others from time to time; but, generally I've been in the backseat, not the drivers seat.

I've avoided one potential friend recently, the guy at work I was talking about.  I am lonely and wouldn't mind having some company, especially with some one who doesn't have my hang-ups and might lead me to new experiences; but, I just don't want to be made fun of, like that...  In my 30's now, it's the first time I've ever really been picked on like that, I was always the stoic loner nobody could touch, and everyone wanted to get to know, but he found his own company more interesting than others.  Now, I'm lonely, and my ability to socialize has suffered, or perhaps, just my confidence.

In the past, I was never really bothered by the slights against me from friends or family; but, lately, the pain of such things hurts too much, and leads to angry sour feelings I'm not used to having.  It's uncomfortable and frightening at times.  Sadly, these are not things anyone really gets stuck on, except me.  People often do things with out even realizing the effect these things had, and forget about it, and won't care afterward, anymore than they cared when they were ignorant.  Even more so, they may attack you in defense of a position of innocence on a matter that only matters to you.

I guess this is getting rather lengthy; but, I do not know the answer myself.  The only social circle I have is at work, and there, I feel like I'd be embarrassed if anyone ever knew me as the person I am there.  I want to get out.  The people there are generally inconsiderate, childish, cruel some times.  Yet, they can be kind some times.  But, I'm kind of tired of that...  I'm not used to being at the bottom of the totem pole.  I'm used to flying high, alone, and soaring...


Hi Tropical. Thanks for posting. I just want you to know your reaction of anger is very normal. I was reading an article by the "Psychological Association" on the topic of social rejection and it's very normal to have feelings of anger, sadness, insecurity even with the slightest rejection. The article states it just hurts to be rejected even by people you don't really care for. Something in our psychological make up.

I think being a ware of this is a good start to have a healthy reaction. Building self esteem is one. Focusing on other positive things in your life. Not taking it personal. Boundaries.

It's not easy but we do grow from such things. I've been saying the mantra "I am ENOUGH" "Just my presence is enough". That is helping me and changing my self concept. I don't need to go over board to have people like me. I am ENOUGH.

Yes older people can be childish and unaware themselves. It's a frustrating aspect of life to deal with people's dishonesty.


lookatbrightside said:
she is really not worth it, maybe she is so ordinary and boring in her thought and life to says things to you makes her feel uplift to bring you down.

just take it as business work if you can leave the situation of she being your partner, leave the work.

look at  the bright side, maybe it gets more hurt to you in her birthday party, better leave them alone scratching each other.
enjoy your peace.


Yeah I don't know her motivations. Maybe it that or I am so invisible. I don't know. I am not going to try to find out. It's not my business.

Yes I am detaching from them. I will minimize my words with her, not sit next to her, but be "business friendly". I don't want her to stop being organizer because she's the best I have had and don't want to do it myself.

Letting go and forgiveness (haven't succeeded totally at this) is the key I think.

Thank you for your reply. Just writing this out helped heal me a bit. It really did.
 

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