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Souled crushed every time I see myself
#1
I avoid looking at photos, and especially videos, of myself like the plague. I know I’m going to have my soul totally crushed by what I see. Thus I often go on and forget how shockingly ugly and jacked-up looking I am until I happen to see a photo or video of myself. 

Well, today I took a video of myself demonstrating something for a friend, and I was just utterly put into shock by what I saw. Holy sh*t! What a botched, dysgenic, mutant I am, and I’m not even being funny or hyperbolic. I legitimately tried to see something good in myself, but I actually broke down into tears it was so soul-crushing. I just turned out the lights and crawled into bed. It’s just unbelievable what a hideous freak I am.

I know I know, everyone will say “everyone has image issues”, “everyone hates to look at themselves”, blab blah... This is so damn infuriating because you don’t f*cking get it. I’m truly in a category all my own. There’s no way to describe it.

Most people who are ugly, are ugly in a “normal” way. They at least look normal and cohesive. They don’t look like some goofy freakazoid who’s features look like you took ten of the ugliest humans of all different types, cut them up, and randomly pasted them all together to make one freak. I’m not being overly-dramatic. This truly how it is.

I just feel like I don’t want to live. I know people have said my suicide talk is just attention-seeking, but it isn’t. I’m so overwhelmed by how ugly I am that I just don’t want to walk out the f*cking door again. I just want to lay down, pull the covers over my face, and never come out again. Nature can produce some truly unfortunate souls, and I happen to be one of them.
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#2
Share the images.
Find out if it's a "dysmorphic" view of yourself by getting an outside opinion.

And I don't mean share with one of those dickwads that say shit to you to make you feel bad, but you "understand" bc you already have shit self esteem.

Share with an objective person.
You may not consider me one, but I will be honest. If I think you look like a fucked up science experiment. I will tell you so. I don't particularly like you, (bc of all the hate talk) and I'm dealing with my own shit right now, which puts me in the frame of mind to be brutally honest.

But do what you want. It's working out great for you so far.
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#3
(01-27-2020, 09:53 AM)ITellYouHhwut Wrote: I know I know, everyone will say “everyone has image issues”, “everyone hates to look at themselves”, blab blah... This is so damn infuriating because you don’t f*cking get it. I’m truly in a category all my own. There’s no way to describe it.

You are aware literally everyone with BDD says that, right?  
You have no damn clue what other people do and don't understand.  You have no damn clue what others feel about themselves or how much the thoughts of themselves destroy them.  
And you also have no damn clue what you really look like because of the thoughts in your own head.  
Yeah, you can say I don't fucking get it and blah blah blah, but I actually do. I used to feel exactly the same way.  Still don't think I'm all that great, but I don't hate everything about the way I look anymore.
Want to talk?  Check out the CHAT ROOM 
[Image: 28467734_1679297465465479_46906082594714...e=5F13E812]
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#4
(01-27-2020, 12:21 PM)kaetic Wrote: Share the images.
Find out if it's a "dysmorphic" view of yourself by getting an outside opinion.

And I don't mean share with one of those dickwads that say shit to you to make you feel bad, but you "understand" bc you already have shit self esteem.

Share with an objective person.
You may not consider me one, but I will be honest. If I think you look like a fucked up science experiment. I will tell you so. I don't particularly like you, (bc of all the hate talk) and I'm dealing with my own shit right now, which puts me in the frame of mind to be brutally honest.

But do what you want. It's working out great for you so far.

I’m not going to post pics to the thread. Maybe individually by pm though if you want
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#5
That would be fine with me.

Just don't read into it if you don't get a response right away. It's nearly 2am here. I'll be going to sleep (or attempting to anyway) pretty soon.
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#6
I can kind of understand how you feel. I avoid taking pictures of myself, or looking at my reflection. I can tolerate to look at my face when I have make up on, though I still see something unattractive. Sometimes, I think I've done a good job with the make up and I look okay, but I'd go out and get ignored or my friends would get hit on over me, and I'd be reminded of how much I had fooled myself into thinking I was ok looking. When I take off all my make up, I don't look at mirrors at all because I feel really really ugly. And yeah, it's a soul crushing, actual physical piercing pain to the chest (or at least that's how I feel).

The way I've handled it though, is as you said, to avoid looking at myself, but like Kaetic said, it helps to get others' perspective on it too. I used to feel so disgusted by my appearance that I wouldn't go out in public other than to work, but now that I've received some feedback from trustworthy friends, I've learnt that I may not be attractive, but I probably am not as ugly as I think I am. Like I am actually tolerable or perhaps below average looking, which to me at least, is better than looking horrible.

And I got feedback from these friends on what I could do to improve my appearance as well, and I wanted them to be honest. I was told that my hairstyle was making me look like a boy, so I grew it out. Apparently dark lip colour makes me look really bad, so I avoid that. All in all, my friends had a lot of input in the way I should do my face, so that has helped a lot. I am not crippled by my appearance as I once was.

Do you have anyone you could trust to talk about this with? If you'd like I could give you honest feedback as well ( I don't think it's as bad as you think it is Sad) Oh, and someone drew my portrait once. It was good to know that how others see me is not the way I thought I looked. So perhaps give this a shot too?
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#7
(01-27-2020, 04:31 PM)ITellYouHhwut Wrote:
(01-27-2020, 12:21 PM)kaetic Wrote: Share the images.
Find out if it's a "dysmorphic" view of yourself by getting an outside opinion.

And I don't mean share with one of those dickwads that say shit to you to make you feel bad, but you "understand" bc you already have shit self esteem.

Share with an objective person.
You may not consider me one, but I will be honest. If I think you look like a fucked up science experiment. I will tell you so. I don't particularly like you, (bc of all the hate talk) and I'm dealing with my own shit right now, which puts me in the frame of mind to be brutally honest.

But do what you want. It's working out great for you so far.

I’m not going to post pics to the thread. Maybe individually by pm though if you want

I agree. Share your images with an impartial person. I don’t know you, I haven’t read any of your previous posts and I’m completely neutral as to whether I like you or not. I’d be happy to give you an objective, honest opinion if you’re looking for more. Just putting the offer out there. 😊
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#8
(01-27-2020, 12:21 PM)kaetic Wrote: Share the images.
Find out if it's a "dysmorphic" view of yourself by getting an outside opinion.

And I don't mean share with one of those dickwads that say shit to you to make you feel bad, but you "understand" bc you already have shit self esteem.

Share with an objective person.
You may not consider me one, but I will be honest. If I think you look like a fucked up science experiment. I will tell you so. I don't particularly like you, (bc of all the hate talk) and I'm dealing with my own shit right now, which puts me in the frame of mind to be brutally honest.

But do what you want. It's working out great for you so far.
Video or IRL meeting would be the only real way for anyone to fully understand what I look like. It’s enough to see a still photo. You’ve also got to see how I move, how I talk, and how I look overall. A photo would be deceiving. I can’t get videos to upload, so I’m afraid it’s not possible.

But I will just say that it doesn’t matter. I don’t need second opinions to know what I see with my own two ugly eyes.
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#9
Since I’ve already got people not liking me, I might as well just say it like I mean it.

I DO hate women. Sorry, but I’ve got to be true to myself. I don’t really like hating them, and hating them is not something I’ve consciously chosen (I don’t think anything is consciously chosen). But I detest everything about women, and I find them to be contemptible human beings. I want nothing to do with them ever. I’m either going to have to learn to live in loneliness or just die. But women disgust me on every level. Sorry, I just can’t hide how I feel. I’ll probably be banned for this, but so be it. That’s the God’s honest truth.
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#10
(01-30-2020, 07:57 AM)ITellYouHhwut Wrote: Since I’ve already got people not liking me, I might as well just say it like I mean it.

I DO hate women. Sorry, but I’ve got to be true to myself. I don’t really like hating them, and hating them is not something I’ve consciously chosen (I don’t think anything is consciously chosen). But I detest everything about women, and I find them to be contemptible human beings. I want nothing to do with them ever. I’m either going to have to learn to live in loneliness or just die. But women disgust me on every level. Sorry, I just can’t hide how I feel. I’ll probably be banned for this, but so be it. That’s the God’s honest truth.

Okay since I'm the one that said it...
I'm sorry that I did, like I said I'm going through my own shit right now. But can you maybe consider everything I said? I dislike you because of the hate talk, it makes you seem unhinged. After you told me that you seem normal in photos and I'd have to see a video of you walking and talking to "get it" I did offer to video chat with you, which is not something I do EVER. You clearly didn't want to do that either, that's fine,I wasn't going to bother you about it.
You seem determined to be unhappy and I'm sorry but until you want to get better you can blame the man in the moon for all your problems for all the good it's going to do you.
I really do hope that you get some help even if you don't find it here.
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