Preference for Celibacy

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August Campbell

My ultimate dream came true.
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Does anybody else here prefer celibacy? My preference for celibacy is partly due to my practice of Buddhism and partly to my loss of interest in lust, even to the point of annoyance.  This is coming from someone who already had two relationships so please don't accuse me of prudishness.

It's not prudishness at all because, after all, my practice of self-denial includes the other emotions as well.  Because by avoiding the emotion of lust, it makes it easier to avoid the emotion of anger as well.  We can see how dangerous that anger can become when we see examples of Road Rage when a gun enters the picture. So the way I see it, all our different emotions are intertwined.

Even food can be an emotion.  We see how people become fat by overeating as an emotional salve. In other words the emotion of gluttony.

So the practice of Buddhism is not only the avoidance of lust but also the avoidance of other emotions too.  Anger, Fear, Envy and yes even Loneliness.

Anyway since this section is about relationships I would like to hear from others who practice celibacy.  And even those who practice celibacy in a relationship. A couple can remain celibate in even a close relationship.
 
August Campbell said:
A couple can remain celibate in even a close relationship.

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August Campbell said:
Does anybody else here prefer celibacy? My preference for celibacy is partly due to my practice of Buddhism and partly to my loss of interest in lust, even to the point of annoyance.  This is coming from someone who already had two relationships so please don't accuse me of prudishness.

It's not prudishness at all because, after all, my practice of self-denial includes the other emotions as well.  Because by avoiding the emotion of lust, it makes it easier to avoid the emotion of anger as well.  We can see how dangerous that anger can become when we see examples of Road Rage when a gun enters the picture. So the way I see it, all our different emotions are intertwined.

Even food can be an emotion.  We see how people become fat by overeating as an emotional salve. In other words the emotion of gluttony.

So the practice of Buddhism is not only the avoidance of lust but also the avoidance of other emotions too.  Anger, Fear, Envy and yes even Loneliness.

Anyway since this section is about relationships I would like to hear from others who practice celibacy.  And even those who practice celibacy in a relationship. A couple can remain celibate in even a close relationship.

Okay, did you lose your interest in sex, do you just ignore it or are you in denial about it?  You are contradicting yourself there.  And if you have no interest in sex, are you sure you just aren't asexual?
 
TheRealCallie said:
August Campbell said:
Does anybody else here prefer celibacy? My preference for celibacy is partly due to my practice of Buddhism and partly to my loss of interest in lust, even to the point of annoyance.  This is coming from someone who already had two relationships so please don't accuse me of prudishness.

It's not prudishness at all because, after all, my practice of self-denial includes the other emotions as well.  Because by avoiding the emotion of lust, it makes it easier to avoid the emotion of anger as well.  We can see how dangerous that anger can become when we see examples of Road Rage when a gun enters the picture. So the way I see it, all our different emotions are intertwined.

Even food can be an emotion.  We see how people become fat by overeating as an emotional salve. In other words the emotion of gluttony.

So the practice of Buddhism is not only the avoidance of lust but also the avoidance of other emotions too.  Anger, Fear, Envy and yes even Loneliness.

Anyway since this section is about relationships I would like to hear from others who practice celibacy.  And even those who practice celibacy in a relationship. A couple can remain celibate in even a close relationship.

Okay, did you lose your interest in sex, do you just ignore it or are you in denial about it?  You are contradicting yourself there.  And if you have no interest in sex, are you sure you just aren't asexual?

To answer your question. I guess I would say Asexual.  Because in my two relationships, I had no interest in physical intimacy at all.  At the same time, though, Hugging is fine with me, in order to show affection.  And if the relationship had continued for much longer, then I would have tried ballroom dancing too.  Because ballroom dancing is somewhat physical, yes?

As it turned out, the Avoidance of physical intimacy worked to my advantage. Because when each relationship ended, I did not feel any heartbreak. Disappointed, yes, but not heartbroken--because I had No emotional attachment, a valuable lesson I learned from Buddhism.  No emotional attachment, yet I still had fun.
 
No emotional attachment is a sad state to be in. 
I've been in that state regarding romantic relationship for a long time. 
Then I met someone that made me feel again and it's amazing. To actually have something invested in someone feels way better than walking on this earth as a cold one. 

Why do you feel it's better to not be invested in a relationship? I think this is a bad favor you do to yourself that's actually going to hurt you in the end. 
Maybe. That's my thoughts at least. 
🤗
 
MissBehave said:
No emotional attachment is a sad state to be in. 
I've been in that state regarding romantic relationship for a long time. 
Then I met someone that made me feel again and it's amazing. To actually have something invested in someone feels way better than walking on this earth as a cold one. 

Why do you feel it's better to not be invested in a relationship? I think this is a bad favor you do to yourself that's actually going to hurt you in the end. 
Maybe. That's my thoughts at least. 
🤗

Actually it's sort of an insult to call me sad when I'm actually happy.  As I said, in my relationships, my Avoidance of physical intimacy worked to my advantage.  Because when each relationship ended, I did not feel any heartbreak at all.  In other words, why should I accept pain when I can avoid it?  And I avoided it by practicing Non-attachment.
And it's not my idea but the valuable lesson I learned from watching the lecture from Mr. Brahm's Buddhist YouTube channel.  He's a Buddhist but is a Caucasian from the UK who is one of the most honored head monks in Australia nowadays.

The only way to avoid mental anguish is by controlling our emotions or even eliminating them.  Nirvana is the spiritual state beyond human emotions.  And it's what I try to reach by meditating.
For the most part, I feel contented nowadays. So don't you feel happy for me? After all, the other day I felt happy for you because You felt upbeat. Let's make it Mutual.
 
I'm not trying to debate, but are you saying you are learning Buddhism from a single source on YouTube?
You may want to try reading a variety of books or searching out a group of it's had that much of an impact on you. Besides being a good way to learn and strengthen your beliefs, you can correct any misunderstandings that may have come from only having that one learning source.
I'm not a Buddhist, and I definitely don't know that much about it, but nothing I ever read about the religion suggested that one should avoid all emotions, just that one should try to overcome negative feelings like hate, anger, and jealousy. It's a topic I would actually like to learn more about, I just don't find myself with a lot of time to spare for religion.
If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I still think you need to find a better source for information.
 
August Campbell said:
MissBehave said:
No emotional attachment is a sad state to be in. 
I've been in that state regarding romantic relationship for a long time. 
Then I met someone that made me feel again and it's amazing. To actually have something invested in someone feels way better than walking on this earth as a cold one. 

Why do you feel it's better to not be invested in a relationship? I think this is a bad favor you do to yourself that's actually going to hurt you in the end. 
Maybe. That's my thoughts at least. 
🤗

Actually it's sort of an insult to call me sad when I'm actually happy.  As I said, in my relationships, my Avoidance of physical intimacy worked to my advantage.  Because when each relationship ended, I did not feel any heartbreak at all.  In other words, why should I accept pain when I can avoid it?  And I avoided it by practicing Non-attachment.
And it's not my idea but the valuable lesson I learned from watching the lecture from Mr. Brahm's Buddhist YouTube channel.  He's a Buddhist but is a Caucasian from the UK who is one of the most honored head monks in Australia nowadays.

The only way to avoid mental anguish is by controlling our emotions or even eliminating them.  Nirvana is the spiritual state beyond human emotions.  And it's what I try to reach by meditating.
For the most part, I feel contented nowadays. So don't you feel happy for me? After all, the other day I felt happy for you because You felt upbeat. Let's make it Mutual.

Does this include pleasuring yourself? 

From my time learning about buddhism and mindfulness I think it makes you a little bit less... controlled by your emotions. And physical intimacy can come with massive suitcases of wild powerful emotions. So to master your emotions via enlightenment makes physical intimacy less of an inducement as it is for most people that are deeply connected with their emotions and thus controlled by them. I liken it to the character of Spock from star trek. No one would think of him as sad. 

Personally I think most people today could do with learning a little bit more about buddhism, mindfulness, and disassociation with their emotions.
 
I don't know enough about Buddhism to say whether this is an accurate representation, but the idea of emotion as an impediment to spiritual growth is something I could never get into. Sex is required for reproduction. That would make it a neccessary evil for those who want children. Also, you can have a emotional connection with your spouse but you shouldn't be exclusively attached to them - how is this supposed to work?

My impression of white/westerners who dive into Buddhism or Hare Krishna is that these are often people who've had a rough life and have chosen to deal with emotional turmoil this way. Good luck to them I guess.
 
I didn't call you sad. 
If I did I would have said: You are sad. 
I was answering with my own experience regarding emotional distance. That it was/is a sad situation to be in.
 
August Campbell said:
Even food can be an emotion.  We see how people become fat by overeating as an emotional salve. In other words the emotion of gluttony.

So the practice of Buddhism is not only the avoidance of lust but also the avoidance of other emotions too.  Anger, Fear, Envy and yes even Loneliness.

Anyway since this section is about relationships I would like to hear from others who practice celibacy.  And even those who practice celibacy in a relationship. A couple can remain celibate in even a close relationship.

Hi August -

I get what you are saying.   Been reading on Buddhism for several years now.   The book I am currently reading is called, "The book of Joy - Lasting Happiness in a Changing World"  by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Douglas Abrams  (however the book was written to be a book for all people regardless of religion - but it is filled with insights from the Dalia Lama).    In this the book, the Dalai Lama often refers to 'mental immunity' - perhaps a better term than avoidance of emotions.     It is my second book I read which was written with the Dalai Lama and one can be surprised on how down to earth he is - emphasizing he is first a human   (next a buddhist, followed by being the Dalai Lama).       

Celibate?  Yes, I am in a celibate relationship +10 years of which I do not want to discuss on open public forum.   Just answering yes it is possible as I am living it.

Nice to connect with another who enjoys path of Buddhism.   :)
 
August Campbell said:
Does anybody else here prefer celibacy? My preference for celibacy is partly due to my practice of Buddhism and partly to my loss of interest in lust, even to the point of annoyance.  This is coming from someone who already had two relationships so please don't accuse me of prudishness.

It's not prudishness at all because, after all, my practice of self-denial includes the other emotions as well.  Because by avoiding the emotion of lust, it makes it easier to avoid the emotion of anger as well.  We can see how dangerous that anger can become when we see examples of Road Rage when a gun enters the picture. So the way I see it, all our different emotions are intertwined.

Even food can be an emotion.  We see how people become fat by overeating as an emotional salve. In other words the emotion of gluttony.

So the practice of Buddhism is not only the avoidance of lust but also the avoidance of other emotions too.  Anger, Fear, Envy and yes even Loneliness.

Anyway since this section is about relationships I would like to hear from others who practice celibacy.  And even those who practice celibacy in a relationship. A couple can remain celibate in even a close relationship.

I practice celibacy but it sure as hell isn't by choice.

At the same time, I'm not some kind of sex maniac either.

What I would like, is to the power of choice, rather than feeling like this is some kind of sentence or limitation that's being imposed on me, and I'm powerless to do anything about it.  I'm only talking about relationships here, since that's the only kind of sexual connection that interests me.  I have no interest in hookup culture, and if I'm struggling to be good enough for a relationship, I definitely couldn't compete in the hookup scene.  And paying for it is something I adamantly refuse to even consider.  I strongly feel that doing is is accepting the judgment, and the insult, that I'm a loser.  I refuse.  I'm better than that, and I have to believe that I am, even if the world doesn't.  I have to stick up for myself, I have to advocate the idea that I have value.

I get what you're saying about lust and anger, and wanting to remove both those things from your life and be more in control of yourself instead of feeling controlled by these things.  At the same time, I don't think there necessarily HAS to be a connection between those things.  And I also wonder if being celibate to get rid of lust and anger and have more self-control is too high a price to pay.  I feel like a romantic relationship, with the physical aspect, is one of the fundamental happy experiences of being alive.  It's not something I want to  miss out on, which is what celibacy is to me.  It's missing out.

I don't mean to criticize you, but you said you've had two relationships already.  Maybe you feel like you've had the experience of being with someone already and don't feel a need for more.  But to someone who hasn't been able to, it kinda feels like "yeah, I've been a millionaire, it was overrated."  It's a much different perspective than someone who's starving.

One thing I've seen a lot on different sites is the idea of, "since you don't have a relationship, you have more time for hobbies/travel/etc."
But to me, without a relationship, all that stuff is a pretty crappy consolation prize.  That stuff is pretty much meaningless to me.  It does absolutely nothing to offset what I'm missing. And to think that this is probably all my life is going to be, really gets me down.

I get that there are benefits to the Buddhist approach, and I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way that you do, but to me, the cons greatly outweigh the pros.
 
I have also studied Buddhism, attended meditation sessions and temple ceremonies, etc. I'm not a Buddhist, but I have some familiarity with the basic teachings, which do leave some room for interpretation unless you're dedicating yourself to monkhood. There are also a few "variations" of Buddhism - Theravada and Mahayana are two main schools - so one's idea of "Buddhism" can also relate to the "school" or "branch" one practices.

The Buddhism I've studied does stress not becoming attached to things, but not to the extent where you eliminate those things completely. The exception is if you're studying to be a monk, then monasteries often expect pretty rigid compliance to rules. As I've heard, many a monk has been disrobed due to issues with celibacy and it's apparently the main reason that many people leave monastic life.

But for "the rest of us," again, this is my understanding, the hope is to live as much like the Buddha as possible, but this doesn't mean giving up all pleasure or even sexual relationships. Non-monks have lower standards and can still be Buddhists even if they have sex and like chocolate and sparkly things, etc. You can even feel sadness, etc. The point is to not get attached to things and let them consume you. In other words, don't let your entire being revolve around perishable material things or even perishable relationships. But this doesn't mean complete emotional detachment.

Again, the standards vary based on the level one aims to practice Buddhism at. Monks need to meet pretty high standards, including celibacy. "Lay people" have a lot more flexibility.

Lastly, as Ajahn Brahm said, "Buddhism is a religion for tax purposes only." :D
 
buddhism may be a sloution for some people but is not the answer for everyone. some of us are just far too physically unattractive to be fortunate enough to experience romantic relationships so are forced to miss out on most of what makes life worth living.
 

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