What is wrong with me

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ITellYouHhwut

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Something is majorly NOT OKAY with me. I’m a pathetic person—a pathetic man. I’m a loser with no job, no money, no consequence, living with my parents, and I sit and do nothing all day. I dream of a day soon when I will get up and get the ball rolling, but that day never comes. Every day is the same routine. I waste every day sitting in my detached house on my parent’s property fidgeting on my phone watching videos, posting bs, going out to get a sub once a day, and doing nothing, and I’m 29. 

I look at guys 8-10 years younger than me with their act together, being go-getters, influencers, achievers, and I always see myself as that in some fantasy daydream when I’m sitting around doing nothing at home. I always thought I was not like a lot of the losers I’ve seen throughout my life, but alas, I’m a loser compared to even them now. I’m basically a junkie in every way minus the drug addiction. Junkies are higher functioning and more productive than I am.

I have absolutely no energy. No charisma. No drive. No fire under my ass. My 74 year old father is still out there working, has immense energy, and completely makes a fool out of me. 

I can only say wow, how did I get this way? I know the answer is probably severe depression, which I most certainly have. But I guess on the deeper level it must mean I’m a defective human being due to the fact that I’m susceptible to this kind of depression and self-destruction. It is undoubtedly genetic.

I look for literally EVERY reason to hate myself and destroy myself. My mentality is “if that’s the way life wants it, then I’ll make sure that’s how it has it!” In other words, I intentionally destroy myself out of spite.

I’m completely blocked mentally from helping myself, because I’ve grown so disgusted and bitter that I don’t want happiness. I want things to go bad. I don’t want success or happiness now. It’s too late. I’m too old. It doesn’t mean anything now. Getting your life together at 30? Wow! That’s a smart cookie and over-achiever right there! Nothing can get off the ground when you’re 30. You’re too old. Your window has passed. 

I think about suicide every day. I increasingly feel more prone to doing it. What reason is there to be alive? I know some will say “well maybe you can’t become the best at age 30, but you can still make your life better than it was before.”

Nuh uh. That’s ******* mediocrity, and it’s nothing to strive for. I would rather go ahead and die than to “reinvent myself” into some better version of myself that is still mediocre. I’ve already tarnished my reputation. Everybody knows me as a lazy loser, and I’ll never live that down as long as I live. That is the image that forever rings synonymous with me in everyone’s minds when my name is mentioned, kind of like how 9/11 is the first thought people get when Bin Laden is mentioned.

I’ve got no future, and my life was a total waste. If you’re a teen or early 20 something reading this. Heed my advice. DON’T BE ME!!!
 
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I'm really sorry you feel this way. It has to be very painful.
Don't you think that somehow you can make this life into something that will feel ok? Finding a sliver of contentment in the things you are able to reach?
*big hug*
 
^ Yes that is completely unnecessary. That is part of the problem too, people who want to act like that when someone is obviously in a bad place. It doesn't help.

As for the original question, you seemed to answer it yourself. Pulling yourself out of the state you are in can be very difficult and most of the time you only have yourself to rely on to do it. There are some on here that will tell you that having been where you are before, myself included. You might get to that point where you say, fresia it, and make the decision to change how you are feeling.
 
@lookingatbrightside both you and your post have been reported. I hope you’re extremely happy with yourself and content with your life if you can openly kick and mock someone with clear mental issues who is earnestly reaching out for help. Scum!
 
if you decide to kill your self this year why still need a pity party?
when you have the time to complains you have the time to fix yourself.


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ITellYouHhwut said:
@lookingatbrightside both you and your post have been reported. I hope you’re extremely happy with yourself and content with your life if you can openly kick and mock someone with clear mental issues who is earnestly reaching out for help. Scum!

Was it necessary?  Of course not, but wait a minute.  You have insulted several of us and generalized women and placed all your problems on women.  You have ignored or criticized every single piece of advice anyone has given you, unless it matched up to what you wanted to hear.  You have largely proclaimed none of us can understand because your situation is so much different than anyone else's that no one could even possibly come close to anyone understanding.  Pot meet kettle.  You're no better, IMO. 

My advice is the same as always.  STOP blaming everything else in the world and start looking at yourself for the issues.  Change what you don't like about yourself.  YES, it is possible.  Not easy, but possible.  I have done it and so have several others.  And don't come back saying I couldn't understand because you have no idea what I could and could not understand because you don't know what I've been through and what I've overcome.  The change you want and need is up to you.  Do something, try everything...and if you want to come back and say you have, no you haven't.  If you tried everything, you would be better off than you are now.  Doesn't matter if you have no energy, do it anyway.  Force yourself, but start small and work your way up.
 
Anyway, getting back to the main topic.

There are three main focus points that stick out from your post, lack of self worth, self criticism and actual circumstances.

It can be very hard to find ways into work when you're getting older. I had health problems which meant I didn't get into full time work until I was 35. Yes, 35. Its doable. I now own a house, I'm married etc, all in the space of 5 years or so.

What isn't helping you is sitting around thinking that you're a failure and generally ruminating on stuff in your own mind without any outside, daily influences to straighten out your thinking. I used to think I was useless and going nowhere, no I feel like one of life's better people. You have to be on the canvas of the outside world to realise where you fit in the picture. It's no good looking at it and assuming a place in the background.
Oh and stop entertaining ideas of suicide, it's a complete waste. You obviously have a brain to be doing all this thinking, but you're using your powers in a negative spiral. Think positively and try things, I promise it works.
 
lookatbrightside said:
if you decide to kill your self this year why still need a pity party?
when you have the time to complains you have the time to fix yourself.


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I told you buddy, you don’t post here again unless it’s an apology and retractment of your hateful post. You don’t get to decide here. I do! You either do as I’ve said or I will not leave you alone until you are banned. Not another post from you unless it is what I’ve told you to do. Don’t ignore me again.
 
Yeti1980 said:
It can be very hard to find ways into work when you're getting older. I had health problems which meant I didn't get into full time work until I was 35. Yes, 35. Its doable. I now own a house, I'm married etc, all in the space of 5 years or so.

Like I’ve said, that doesn’t sound appealing to me. Working my ass off just to make my life “okay” and mediocre, unremarkable, and confirm being a genetic inferior? No thanks. Why would I look forward to that? That’s not self-improvement. That’s coping.

And you’re wrong that fixing my issues is possible, and you’re all also wrong that my issues are not different. I’m a very different kind of person than any I’ve ever known, in terms of personality, in terms of background/how I was raised, and in terms of my looks. I promise I’m not your normal case. Generalities about people don’t apply to me. I’m not a person.

I can’t get better. I’m not capable. I don’t want to. I’m too old. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. Success only means something if you’re young. 

Besides, if you look at science, it will tell you that the people that succeed early in life are genetically gifted, and that guys like me are genetically inferior, and that that’s what explains it. I can’t improve myself. I’ve already proven which kind of person I am. I wish I could just go back and opt out of being born.


I just need to be finding the courage to end my life, but it’s so difficult. There’s that last little speck of natural instinct wanting to stay alive and afraid of death. Life is a trap for people like me. A prison.
 
The main thing that comes across to me here is that you've made all kinds of "final" and immovable decisions, it often feels as though we reach a final answer to something only to find some other answer along the way.

To put things into context, I work in an Operating Theatre. Where I work now is a little less life and death, but previously I've been involved in all kinds of cases. The point I'm making is that I've seen a wide spectrum of life's situations and ailments, and from the info you've given I'm not seeing anything that compares to those kinds of problems. Let me be clear that I'm not saying that your feelings aren't important, it's just that you're in a cycle of frustration and you're reaching all kinds of negative conclusions as a result of what you're experiencing. All of this stuff about not being a success because you're 30 etc is a bit tiresome. I mean that in a nice way, you're a person and you deserve better. It's about appreciating yourself, appreciating others and getting on with life without overthinking things. I know, I've been there.

It's also important that you stop "grading" everything, nobody can quantify success in it's truest sense. In my case I have a home, a family, some free time outside of work to enjoy life in, etc. Having love and happiness are the most important things in the world, not any particular material thing. Again drawing from my work experience, I used to work in a private London hospital. We saw all kinds of people, movie stars, sporting personalities etc etc. The only thing that was really important to the patients and to us was their well-being and the family they had waiting for them back upstairs. In bad moments life gets stripped back to bare essentials, and it's those that everyone should concentrate on. You write about success as though it's a "thing" to get, but it isn't some sort of object and I've seen plenty of people who are supposedly successful who don't have fulfilment.

Wishing you all the best.
 
Maybe having someone to talk to more regularly would help? 
Sucks so much to be in the place you are in. 
With someone supporting you or offering to listen I find it gets a little better.
 
TheRealCallie said:
What exactly are you looking for help with?

I don’t know if I’m looking for help at all. I’m looking for a way out. People call guys like me “whiners”, but they’re basing that assessment on us being normal, competent people. That’s not the case. Something is, and has always been severely wrong with me. But I’m too old. It’s too late to start over. I’m fed up with life. I hate it. I just want out. Just let me cut my losses and bail. There’s no need for me to be around.


MissBehave said:
Maybe having someone to talk to more regularly would help? 
Sucks so much to be in the place you are in. 
With someone supporting you or offering to listen I find it gets a little better.

No. There’s nothing to talk about. Nothing can be done. I’ve already cemented who I am. There is no fixing things.
 
I think people call "guys like you" whiners because you only complain. You make an excuse or bash anyone who gives you advice. You just give up.
Stop giving up. If you want to give something up, why not try giving up the negativity. Why not try giving up your irrational hatred of women. And you are never too old.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I think people call "guys like you" whiners because you only complain.  You make an excuse or bash anyone who gives you advice. You just give up.
Stop giving up.  If you want to give something up, why not try giving up the negativity.  Why not try giving up your irrational hatred of women.  And you are never too old.
You keep bringing up my “irrational hatred of women”. I don’t have an irrational hatred of women. I have a very sober understanding of their nature, and they disgust me. They’ve always been apex predators preying on me. They know all they have to do send guys like me into a depressed oblivion and crush our souls is send a facial/body language signal that says “eww get away from me”. But women have done far worse than that to me, and they know full well they’re doing it. Even when I’ve earnestly tried to approach them, they’ve been hateful bitches to me every time. 

I’m done. I will put forth NO MORE effort into this life. I’m a genetic mutant and a freak who is obviously ill-adapted and has no business being alive. I DON’T WANT the improvement! I just want out!
 
So where do we go from here? What I don't understand is why you are now a lazy loser and are burned into everyone's mind as such. I remember you saying that you worked your ass off on your dad's farm and that you earned a lot of money with the harvest. What happened to all of that stuff? If that's still mediocrity, then I don't know.

Whether you're a genetic mutant...what the hell do we know. This isn't the Lookism forum anyway.
 
Rodent said:
So where do we go from here? What I don't understand is why you are now a lazy loser and are burned into everyone's mind as such. I remember you saying that you worked your ass off on your dad's farm and that you earned a lot of money with the harvest. What happened to all of that stuff? If that's still mediocrity, then I don't know.

Whether you're a genetic mutant...what the hell do we know. This isn't the Lookism forum anyway.

The market flopped. It never sold. I made no money from it
 
You had the work ethic and guts to try that out. Maybe a new project would give you a little break in these thoughts?
You clearly possess good qualities. 🌼
 

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