Can I not get out of bed (and keep dreaming)

Broken heart said:

So, can I?

In my day dream my partner respects me. 
He is not an alpha male but more of man who's been through pain. 
He doesn't give me disgusted looks. And in fact talks to me.
In my dreams he is gentle.
In my dreams he believes me, in me too,  and is proud of me.

In my dreams he is a wounded hero who struggled and came out victorious. Doesn't matter what the victory was..maybe even just coming out standing is a victory on its own. 
In my dreams he is lonely..too.

In my dreams..he loves me.

So can I just stay in bed today? And maybe the whole week?
Or should I just get up and face another day with my real life. 


Loneliness in marriage is dreadful. 
Loneliness with a husband, kids and friends is indescribable. Because when you dont have these, you dream of having them. But when you have them, what can you do more?

Friends who are around but don't understand.

Every day with a partner who shows you disgust cuts a piece of your self respect and self worth.
And no amout of good moments can make you whole.
You are patched up. Waiting to fall apart at any moment only wondering when will this moment be. 
And when we have low self esteem, nothing can make us feel worthy of love. Or good. Or even adequate? Let alone "enough".
I think I wouldn"t still be sane except by the grace of God (sorry if you not a believer).

I think another hour in bed will have to do.

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xephier102 said:

Least you got kids. That's one thing to be happy for. when you have nobody that loves you or believes in you or depends on you, that's just soul destroying (believe me, I know.).. With the kids you have some light in the darkness; for me, it's darkness all around with no light in sight.. It's like drowning and having no way of knowing which way is up; eventually you just get tired of swimming.. Don't dismiss your kids just cuz they're young. My mother did that to me and it destroyed me, and I don't think we'll ever have a fully healthy relationship because of it.

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MissBehave said:

Gonna say what I should have done. 
Leave his sorry ass.

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Sunless Sky said:

At first glance, the answer might seem to be leaving this toxic relationship that is draining you mentally and contributing to your low self esteem. But i realize things are not so simple with kids involved so i dont really know what to say.

Being lonely with people around...i cant imagine how horrible that must feel. Its like feeling isolated among a sea of people, people are there but nobody sees you. At best they see the facade, the mask, the persona you put on but never the real you and having no one who sees you, accepts, and loves you is essential for a healthy mind...even if that person is you.

Your words were beautiful and haunting as well. They resonated with me so deeply as i also struggle with the same issue. Everyday i wake up wishing i could sleep for just a little while longer. Everyday i struggle to get out of bed, i end up wasting time in a futile effort to go back to sleep or to a state of rest. Its been so long, i dont remember what its like to wake up and want to face the day, want to live. I try to give myself reasons to get up like work and it helps until the work isn't there and i am back to being depressed again. 

Its like living through everyday with a huge hole in your chest nobody can see except you. It feels heavy, cold, and lifeless. I cant blame them though, i dont appear to have any issues at all. On the contrary, i seem just fine to people, great even, that how good i am at hiding my pain.

Again, thank you for your beautiful words and i really hope your situation improves.

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I\ said:

Hi Broken Heart, I can understand. I'm also married. I have a kid, although no longer a child - she's an adult now and is busy living her own life. That leaves me and him.

I won't go into the details but yes, it can be very lonely when the one person that's supposed to listen and be there for you absolutely, resolutely isn't.

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Broken heart said:

Sunless Sky said:

At first glance, the answer might seem to be leaving this toxic relationship that is draining you mentally and contributing to your low self esteem. But i realize things are not so simple with kids involved so i dont really know what to say.

Being lonely with people around...i cant imagine how horrible that must feel. Its like feeling isolated among a sea of people, people are there but nobody sees you. At best they see the facade, the mask, the persona you put on but never the real you and having no one who sees you, accepts, and loves you is essential for a healthy mind...even if that person is you.

Your words were beautiful and haunting as well. They resonated with me so deeply as i also struggle with the same issue. Everyday i wake up wishing i could sleep for just a little while longer. Everyday i struggle to get out of bed, i end up wasting time in a futile effort to go back to sleep or to a state of rest. Its been so long, i dont remember what its like to wake up and want to face the day, want to live. I try to give myself reasons to get up like work and it helps until the work isn't there and i am back to being depressed again. 

Its like living through everyday with a huge hole in your chest nobody can see except you. It feels heavy, cold, and lifeless. I cant blame them though, i dont appear to have any issues at all. On the contrary, i seem just fine to people, great even, that how good i am at hiding my pain.

Again, thank you for your beautiful words and i really hope your situation improves.

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Thank you for your words. So yeah..gettinng out of bed or staying in bed. With kids going to school you kind of have to, but any free time is bedtime for me esp that I work part-time.

I hate to say this but did you get medical advice? I did and I don't have clinical depression but I do take meds for anxiety. I think they would help. Sorry if I am over stepping

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Sunless Sky said:

I did get medical advice. I am on anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers at the moment. I have what is called an Affective Bipolar Disorder which means my mood fluctuates quite erratically causing me to have really good days and really bad days. Although the bad days tend to last a lot longer than the good ones on account of my depression and anxiety. So few good days and many bad days.

How do you spend your time these days?

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Broken heart said:

I\ said:

Hi Broken Heart, I can understand. I'm also married. I have a kid, although no longer a child - she's an adult now and is busy living her own life. That leaves me and him.

I won't go into the details but yes, it can be very lonely when the one person that's supposed to listen and be there for you absolutely, resolutely isn't.

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"That leaves me and him"
Sorry for that. I know the feeling exactly. But let me ask you..do you ever feel you suffer from Stockholm syndrome? I feel I AM the exact description of that stydrome at times. 
Thanks for replying..good luck to us both.

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Broken heart said:

Sunless Sky said:

I did get medical advice. I am on anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers at the moment. I have what is called an Affective Bipolar Disorder which means my mood fluctuates quite erratically causing me to have really good days and really bad days. Although the bad days tend to last a lot longer than the good ones on account of my depression and anxiety. So few good days and many bad days.

How do you spend your time these days?

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Ok. Good that you seek medical advice. I hope  never give up.. 
Remember many many brilliant artists had/have bipolar disorder ☺

I work part time..kids..trying to study something online although reallllly u cannot teach an old dog new tricks
But am trying.
I dont want to give up either.

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Sunless Sky said:

Oh yeah I know, that's part of what makes me so interesting

It's really cool you are trying to learn something new while working and taking care of your kids. What are you trying to learn? How is it going for for you so far?

That's the attitude, never give up, slow and steady wins the race.

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I\ said:

Not really. As I understand it you have positive feelings towards the person. Not sure I can honestly say that. My feelings are more on the Blah side of things. But, to be fair, that's true about most things so - can't really blame him. He's a good man. Just not good company.

What makes you feel like you've got Stockholm syndrome?

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Broken heart said:

I do have positive feelings for my husband. Which surprises me every time he hurts me. Because when he does, he is so hurtful and so humiliating to me that I feel destroyed. At times I so wish to die just so he would think: how did I ever mistreat her like that?
(But obviously that doesn't happen because I am alive as you can see )
And the pain of the whole thing is so bad that I just day dream all the time as I mentione before. Ok?
But then..when things clear up between us I really don't want to leave him not one bit.
So doesn't this seem very similar to Stockholm syndrome? It's just a thought.

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I\ said:

It does seem a bit like Stockholm syndrome. I guess the question is, do you feel that way because of that - or because you love him? Does the way you feel about him correspond to how you felt about him in the beginning - before all the hurt - or has it changed?

It should be noted that I doubt that he'd think 'how did he ever mistreat you' if you were to die. He'd probably just blame you for leaving him. He doesn't sound like the type of person to feel guilty about anything - including that.

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Broken heart said:

I\ said:

It does seem a bit like Stockholm syndrome. I guess the question is, do you feel that way because of that - or because you love him? Does the way you feel about him correspond to how you felt about him in the beginning - before all the hurt - or has it changed?

It should be noted that I doubt that he'd think 'how did he ever mistreat you' if you were to die. He'd probably just blame you for leaving him. He doesn't sound like the type of person to feel guilty about anything - including that.

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Oh he'd feel bad alright since no one will ever be that patient with him.


And as to your question..gosh it is to complicated for me to think about. I will do it now.

In between the hurts..I love him still the same, just like before and maybe more but differently because of our life together. And ughhhhh... because i have a very short memory span of ??mistreatments? I just literally literally forget. I mean it. Literally.
I keep telling myself I should write it down, why he hurt me last for eg..but I just forget.
Of course the pain remains.
The feelings of inadequacy remain too.

And the shame of being not respected is deeply rooted.

But the problem is that now as he is getting older (and so am I) the hurts are becoming more often.
Twice a month he would be angry at me and could stay for up to 10 days at a time not talking to me.
That leaves very little of every month that we talk...you know?

Does this answer your question or does it confuse you more like it does me.

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I\ said:

Is there a pattern to him becoming angry with you? Something happening elsewhere and he's taking it out on you? Some other issue, perhaps? If he's angry with you for 10 days at a time - what breaks it? Is it that he stops being angry or do you do something to stop it? When he stops being angry - is he apologetic? Does he do something to make it up to you?

I'd just like to point out that, from that scenario - he's angry with you for two thirds of the month. That's not a good ratio.

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Broken heart said:

I\ said:

Is there a pattern to him becoming angry with you? Something happening elsewhere and he's taking it out on you? Some other issue, perhaps? If he's angry with you for 10 days at a time - what breaks it? Is it that he stops being angry or do you do something to stop it? When he stops being angry - is he apologetic? Does he do something to make it up to you?

I'd just like to point out that, from that scenario - he's angry with you for two thirds of the month. That's not a good ratio.

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See..he gets angry for the stupidest reasons ever. I cant even remember most of them. But from my point of view I think they are usually not valid.
They are also mostly so trivial I am so embarassed writing them here while everybody else has more significant issues
For eg..he was sooooo mad at me for asking the taxi driver to leave while he plainly told me to let him stay.
Ok?
The problem there is that I never told the guy to leave. In the first place. He just left. In fact I did tell him to stay. 
So 1-he didnt believe me  when I said I didnt
2- he didnt even listen to me saying i didnt do it.
The argument would be exactly like this: you did so and so? Ok. Wait and see what happens.

And thats it. The LITERAL silent treatment. Not even good morning. I mean literally he will not talk to me.

So it is not like violent anger..but emotional one towards me. It destroys me. It makes me feel insignificant, unimportant, and totally inadequate all the time. 2/3's of the month.

Usually what breaks it is something important. Eg a letter from the school calling for a meeting  or a mini-disaster of sorts

And no..he never ever ever appologised or will ever do.
The very short intervals we are on good terms he is nice.
He is not an emotional person though.

And by the way, I am by no means an angel. I have a temper too. But dang..I wish I can get even

And as you may notice today is a not-angry-with-you day..

But also I get the feeling he doesnt respect me. I often wonders if he does love me. Or maybe it is like you said in your post: perhaps he loves parts of me.

I see married couples..ok many have issues. But some you can see the love for the spouse in their eyes..the respect they have fir the other. Not the romantic love. This is not the main thing.
But the appreciation. The deep love..you know?
And I try to give him that. I try to do my part of the emotional bargain. I am and I tell him how proud of him and his acheivments..etc 

But in the end, here I am..in a Lonely Life forum. Not how I imagined my life to be.
Thank you for replying

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