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xephier102

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But you ain't in control of a.. single thing...

The one thing worse than having no control, is when you're forced to act like you have control over a situation in which you have no control. It's like those pathed video games in which they insist on giving you minor choices, left or right, this or that, but the end destination is always the same. We're all set up like wind up dancing monkeys, nothing but toys and servants for the rich.. What can be done about such a perceived insanity as my own? Nothing. Because for a person to reach such a state, they need to have been torn down, torn apart, splintered to the point that they no longer have a sense of identity, and certainly no longer want this false sense of control that we're all offered like it's some kind of gift from our capitalist overlords..

Sanity is a prison of the mind... Let go of it... be free...

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Do what you want as long as you don't plan on hurting anyone, it's your choice.
 
You have control over what you do with your life, whether you believe you do or not. You have control over how you react to things, how you treat people, etc etc. You have control over a lot. Just seems some people need to find excuses so they don't have to look within.
 
Xephier 102, your previous thread "The full package deal," along with this one clearly affirms your frustration with the cards you've been dealt in life.  It seems more than coincidence to me that I just watched an excellent video this morning on the subject.

I respect the various differences we've all been burdened with in this life and recognize that some people have a lot more deficiencies or problems to face than others.  But, TheRealCallie has got it right that, while we can't necessarily dictate the circumstances of our lives, we can certainly exercise control over our responses. And there are too many known examples today of people overcoming extreme challenges and making their lives good and productive to not conclude that what we think and do in life ultimately affects who we are.  Our self identity and sense of self worth is something we all have control over; our Creator has given that to us to accept or reject, and no rich people, capitalistic system, or cultural difficulties can take that away from us.

I understand that people on forums are generally uninterested in spending time to watch any serious, helpful videos, though they'll waste unlimited hours watching senseless entertainment.  Still, I offer this video reco for you and everyone to watch.  It's a long sermon, but whether you're a believer or not, it's an extremely relevant message for you and all of us.  I'd encourage you to watch it carefully and learn that you do have control over making positive changes to your life.

 
Sir Joseph said:
Xephier 102, your previous thread "The full package deal," along with this one clearly affirms your frustration with the cards you've been dealt in life.  It seems more than coincidence to me that I just watched an excellent video this morning on the subject.

I respect the various differences we've all been burdened with in this life and recognize that some people have a lot more deficiencies or problems to face than others.  But, TheRealCallie has got it right that, while we can't necessarily dictate the circumstances of our lives, we can certainly exercise control over our responses. And there are too many known examples today of people overcoming extreme challenges and making their lives good and productive to not conclude that what we think and do in life ultimately affects who we are.  Our self identity and sense of self worth is something we all have control over; our Creator has given that to us to accept or reject, and no rich people, capitalistic system, or cultural difficulties can take that away from us.

I understand that people on forums are generally uninterested in spending time to watch any serious, helpful videos, though they'll waste unlimited hours watching senseless entertainment.  Still, I offer this video reco for you and everyone to watch.  It's a long sermon, but whether you're a believer or not, it's an extremely relevant message for you and all of us.  I'd encourage you to watch it carefully and learn that you do have control over making positive changes to your life.



That's the real problem though, no one looks at the big picture.. Even if I miraculously overcame my learning disabilities and became a prime minister, like, some real third rate wish on a star bullshit, I'd still be tied down by political red tape left and right. Even the PM is ultimately restricted by the capitalist system and all those other politicians that are a part of it. The only people that really can really make the defining choices in our society are the majority shareholders in the big corporations. Even the CEO's have their hands tied to some extent. Although the CEO's are the few with enough money to get into the position of being a majority shareholder. But more to the point, the billionaires, they decide how companies are ran, how the country is ran .etc. And even they are ultimately tied to the luck of their investments. A two dollar whore that makes the right investment at the right time can become a billionair (IE, invest in M$ stocks in the 80's), but then a billionaire that's busted ass to get there, can lose it all over a bad weekend on the market. For the most part, control is but an illusion.. But where capitalist society is concerned, the real control/freedom that exists is luck based. Also to clarify, in capitalist society, money is freedom, freedom is choice. Most of us are stuck shackled to shitty jobs for a lifetime, slaves to the capitalist machine. We never even get to own property or enjoy a retirement with any better quality of life than we lived while working. Some don't even retire on CPP.. I've seen 70-80 year old ladies working at A&W and Tim Hortons..  I'm 39 now, but I tell ya, and I'm dead Fkin serious; if I'm working at a fast food joint or janitor job when I'm even 50, one of y'all should come in with a loaded shotgun and unload my brains all over the back wall. You'd be doing me a favor..

"our creator" though.. really? Lol... I'm not gonna get into a big religious debate, I mean, due to rules of the forum. But I will say this much; It's easy for people to be lax and not worry about such things when they believe that some giant magic man in the sky is gonna fly them off on a rainbow unicorn when they die so that they can live happily ever after in the clouds (or fall screaming down to earth on days with clear skies?). But for those of us that have to live in reality, this is it. It's depressing, but it's real.. Also just realized the irony in you debating my stance on letting go of my sanity, while putting forth your stance, which, let's face it, equates to mass delusion (No offense intended, I'm a realist).

I've got no problem watching videos that people link. They can often explain things better than people can with their own words. But I can't watch religious stuff.. I'm sure even a lot of religious people would understand when comparing it to them watching videos by conspiracy theorists. Or just any videos of people talking about things that make no realistic sense to believe in, but talking about it like it's definitely, totally, super serial, a thing; despite the complete lack of solid proof or evidence.
 
Oh, I think I've figured it out. You preach about not judging people because people can't judge YOU. You can, however, judge the fresia out of anyone you want.

Now, back on topic. You also have control over whether you use you diagnoses (or lack thereof) as labels instead of words to help you figure out how to work around them. You cling on to them as excuses. Things don't go your way? Blame what you have. It's the easiest thing to do.
Except there are A LOT of people who have major challenges and still go on to be successful and happy. So yeah, you choose what you want to believe and you believe everyone/everything else is blamed for your problems in life.
Control and choice are pretty similar. It's kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Just because both your options suck doesn't mean you don't still have a choice.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Now, back on topic. You also have control over whether you use you diagnoses (or lack thereof) as labels instead of words to help you figure out how to work around them.  You cling on to them as excuses.  Things don't go your way?  Blame what you have.  It's the easiest thing to do.  
Except there are A LOT of people who have major challenges and still go on to be successful and happy.  So yeah, you choose what you want to believe and you believe everyone/everything else is blamed for your problems in life.
Control and choice are pretty similar. It's kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Just because both your options suck doesn't mean you don't still have a choice.

So, what you're saying is, the people that control society, that make the laws; the same people that have the knowledge of CEO's getting away with multi-million dollar legal tax evasion, and have the power to change it, but do nothing. They have no control over anything? Nothing they do (or don't do) affects our lives in any way shape or form?
Good job walking around with your hands firmly covering your eyes and managing not to walk into traffic!
Let me paint a vivid picture for you. My best case scenario as it sits (short of getting on disability) is to grab that key, stick it in my back and wind it up tight, put myself through another several years of mind numbing dead end bottom of the barrel work. All that so I can go to school for several more years so that I can get myself a halfway respectable job by the time I'm old enough to collect CPP. From there, either live mediocre life out on CPP, or work said job for another decade or so that way I have a decent retirement fund by the time I'm 75ish, at which point my entire body will likely be in so much pain, I will certainly live out the rest of my days hating life even more than I do now. And all that is if I don't off myself from the several years of mindless underpaid redundant work. This place I'm working at now doing minimum wage janitor work for 4-5 hrs a week, They tried to give me some more hours via a job cleaning the carpets of a giant room (some kinda event room)with a vacuum and carpet cleaner. It was only 4-5 hrs a day, but I couldn't stand it. I was **** near driven nuts.
Also, All people are different, especially where their brains are concerned. I'm really getting tired of being compared to all these prodigies that overcame great diversity and all that honeysuckle.. I compare it to when my mother would beat me around as a kid (around 10 years old), then say "what the fresia are you crying about, I had it much worse!". Like really, that makes me feel a lot better, other people had it worse, other people dealt with it better, good for them.. pin a fuckin medal on them then.. Newsflash, hearing about other people's pain when I'm going through my own, does not comfort me. Hearing about their strength does not inspire me. It's like those people that have siblings and have to listen to their parents say "why don't you be more like your brother??" Uhh.. cuz I'm not them??

Edit: math was a bit off there, by about a decade. Either way, with my current health, I'm not likely to live too far past 65, and certainly not in a state of physical comfort. On a side note, I find it kinda messed up how much our society values survival over comfort, considering the resources we have... Like, example, I was at a clinic in Toronto once and there was this old man in a wheelchair with some kinda nervous tick in his neck or something.. kept repeating "kill me.. end my life" or something to do extent. We see it as a kindness to bash an injured animal's head in on the side of the road, but somehow also see it as a kindness to force people to live through decades of pain and misery while offering no sensible solution.
TheRealCallie said:
Oh, I think I've figured it out.  You preach about not judging people because people can't judge YOU.  You can, however, judge the fresia out of anyone you want. 

I'm a bit on the judgey side.. That's my nurture, not my nature. In my nature I'm the most carefree, passive, live and let live type person there is. But when raised in a society that passively judges everyone for everything, it's difficult, if not near impossible, to have that become a part of you. And religious folks can hardly call me out on that one. Religions are historical for bad treatment and judgemental-ism of anyone from women, to gays, anyone that doesn't follow their religion .etc.. But again, not debating that, just making a point.
 
More excuses is what I got from that. Seriously, you want to know why your life is how it is. Because you are negative as hell and you only seem to want to make excuses and blame others.
Yeah, you had a bad childhood. Sorry about that, but your childhood is over. What you do with your life is up to you now. You want to dwell in the past and relive it over and over again, make it an excuse for why you are like you are, go ahead, but that's your decision. You don't have to be that way, you choose to be that way.

Paint all the pictures you want, it doesn't matter. What does matter is what you decide to do. Continue making excuses and blaming others or find a way to do what you want in life.
And stop assuming that just because someone doesn't agree with you that they are ignorant or stupid or insane or delusional. Look outside the "reality" you developed for yourself and maybe see that there are other ways and other options. The more you post, the more it instills that I was right.
 
TheRealCallie said:
More excuses is what I got from that.  Seriously, you want to know why your life is how it is.  Because you are negative as hell and you only seem to want to make excuses and blame others.  
Yeah, you had a bad childhood.  Sorry about that, but your childhood is over.  What you do with your life is up to you now.  You want to dwell in the past and relive it over and over again, make it an excuse for why you are like you are, go ahead, but that's your decision.  You don't have to be that way, you choose to be that way.  

Paint all the pictures you want, it doesn't matter.  What does matter is what you decide to do.  Continue making excuses and blaming others or find a way to do what you want in life.  
And stop assuming that just because someone doesn't agree with you that they are ignorant or stupid or insane or delusional.  Look outside the "reality" you developed for yourself and maybe see that there are other ways and other options.  The more you post, the more it instills that I was right.

You're a blind fool that only repeats what they've heard from everyone else their entire life. All I've heard out of you (and most other people on here) is fortune cookie psychology. People that think they know the right thing to say cuz it's what they heard from someone else. This is also why most people out there with full psychology degrees, aren't worth their salt as psychologists. Just parroting other people's words doesn't make you a psychologist. In order to understand each unique situation, you need to actually listen and understand the words of the subject. Not just scoff anything off that isn't exactly what you want to hear, or isn't exactly what will fit in with what you've told the person. Like, "you're not doing what I'm saying, that's excuses!" Remember these words, as they are some of the wiser and more universal words spoken; "there are no bad students, only bad teachers". In other words, if you've got anything unique that you're trying to get through to me, it's not because I'm not listening, it's because you're not saying it right; that or your expectations are exaggerated because you're not listening to me.

Also, just because a person's physical childhood is over does not mean that it's effects do not echo through a person's existence. Things my mother put me through as a child, still have a passive effect even to this day. Hell, it was only a few years ago that I was able to stop myself from physically cringing every-time she walked by me. As well, if you'd been paying attention on my other posts, or even cared to ask, the end of my childhood was far from being the end of my pain. It never stopped.. and it wasn't just my mother, not by a long shot. I lived with a real prick of a boss that treated me like honeysuckle for nearly a decade. Anyone I've tried to be friends with has used me, treated me like honeysuckle, abandoned me .etc.
Hell, it was only just over a year ago now that I got out of a situation in which I let this guy stay in my place as a kindness to him, didn't get rent or anything for it. He sat around, did nothing the whole time, stressed me out none stop from screaming through his xbox headset, playing loud irritating newage rap music .etc. then treating me like the ******* when I asked him nicely to turn it down.. He knew I was having money problems, but all he cared about was his own comfort. I tried to kick him out a few times, but he grew furious and again, made me look like the ******* and became threatening towards me. I realized sometime after getting him out, after watching a youtube vid, that he was actually a textbook psychopath. Oh, and I only got him outta there cuz he did a violent home invasion on someone he knew and got busted for it. I had to clean out his room afterwards.. it was cringeworthy... Like, I actually found used condoms on the floor, among other things..
And multiple other so-called friends the past few years before that, each one exponentially worse... There's been next to no reprieve from the shitty things in my life, and everytime I make an effort and get up a few steps, I get kicked back down by several.. This isn't the kinda honeysuckle you're used to, trust me. I'm not some bad teen romance level story. I had a bad childhood, boo hoo, my girlfriend left me, boo hoo.. More like, I've been questioning the point of my existence since before the age of five, and I never stopped.. more like, I was that kid, so messed that he saw his classmate whip out his willy, and everyone laugh at it, so thought it'd be a brilliant idea for me to whip out mine and piss on everyone.. I don't really remember what happened after that, but it was bad cuz I blacked out... I have a wonderful followup memory of being followed home by the other kids, forced to get into a dumpster, have rotten food thrown at me, lasted at least an hour.. they called me names the whole time, said the garbage man was gonna come and take me away with the rest of the trash..
That was my first school, I was five..

Is that picture clear enough for you? Frankly, if my mind didn't have such a strong logic core, I definitely would have murdered someone by now, probably a lot more than one.. A person's childhood is the core of who they are.. and I hate myself...
 
Couple more things that just came to mind, should sum it up in a nutshell, if the above message is TL;DR for ya. With the state of mind that I'm currently in, I have troubles even pushing myself to do things that I want to do. Like work on my 3D modelling and animation stuff. Thx to my sometimes overly logic driven core, I don't hear voices in the crazy way, but I do get a lot of flashbacks of shitty events, and "voices" well, my own subconcious or w.e, tellin me how messed I am, wonderin wtf the point is .etc. So I can't often do much else recently but drown out those voices in the form of digital entertainment. watching tv/movies, playing through story driven open world games like GTA5, RD2 .etc. I live in those to get away from this meaningless void. I guess I come to forums like this in hopes of hearing something that hasn't already been repeated 10000000000 times... Some kind of answer, maybe someone that seriously gives a honeysuckle, been through similar honeysuckle, actually wants to connect with someone as badly as I do, and not be used. idk.. probably won't ever find that. Back to GTA..
 
If you really want to connect with someone it might help if you don't attack them simply for disagreeing with you.

I did read your posts, and because I've had similar experiences I've learned a little about not subjecting myself to abuse unnecessarily. (That means you) You may not think that's what you're doing, but you've lashed out at everyone trying to help you so far because you've had a shitty past and we couldn't possibly understand.( Kind of sounds like your mom, right... Mine too, she even tried turning it around saying we were abusing her) I've also had a series of bad friendships that I won't go into detail about (on here, again) but yes it included a horrible roommate situation as well. I was desperate for companionship and I had to learn the hard way that there are, unfortunately, a lot of people that take advantage of you when they see the opportunity.

I still get flashbacks to honeysuckle that happened years ago, and other people on this site have shared traumatic stories that have left them in similar situations. Yet they get through communication on here without disrespecting everyone they come in contact with. (Maybe we just collect prodigies on this site...)

You're angry, I get it. But if you don't figure out a way to process that honeysuckle, it's only going to keep hurting you. I can't tell you how to fix your life, but in my case I had to figure out a way to forgive everyone including myself. You might think that's bullshit, but it worked for me.

Sorry in advance if this wasn't "original" enough for your tastes.
 
TheRealCallie said:
This is all just so predictable.

Right, well, if you're just gonna be judgey yourself, then, on with you, goodbye. Don't let the door, well, you know how it goes..

Edit: actually, one more thing to say, If I'm being judgey or prickish, that's one thing, I'm doing so on my own post. You being judgey on my post actually involves going out of your way to do so.
 
kaetic said:
If you really want to connect with someone it might help if you don't attack them simply for disagreeing with you.

I did read your posts, and because I've had similar experiences I've learned a little about not subjecting myself to abuse unnecessarily. (That means you) You may not think that's what you're doing, but you've lashed out at everyone trying to help you so far because you've had a shitty past and we couldn't possibly understand.( Kind of sounds like your mom, right... Mine too, she even tried turning it around saying we were abusing her) I've also had a series of bad friendships that I won't go into detail about (on here, again) but yes it included a horrible roommate situation as well. I was desperate for companionship and I had to learn the hard way that there are, unfortunately, a lot of people that take advantage of you when they see the opportunity.

I still get flashbacks to honeysuckle that happened years ago, and other people on this site have shared traumatic stories that have left them in similar situations. Yet they get through communication on here without disrespecting everyone they come in contact with. (Maybe we just collect prodigies on this site...)

You're angry, I get it. But if you don't figure out a way to process that honeysuckle, it's only going to keep hurting you. I can't tell you how to fix your life, but in my case I had to figure out a way to forgive everyone including myself. You might think that's bullshit, but it worked for me.

Sorry in advance if this wasn't "original" enough for your tastes.

I'm a walking contradiction, I can't help it.. It's nurture vs. nature. It's like, nearly everything I've been taught, directly defies my nature. The best method of describing myself is that ***** song by meredith brooks. Particularly the lyrics "I'm a sinner, I'm a saint." But I do feel ashamed.. It might be to do with that first traumatic school experience, but I don't think I've ever truly believed that I deserve anything better than what I've gotten from life.
As for me being an ******* in this particular scenario, one of my pet peeves that goes back to when I was five years old (I actually somewhat recently read an old journal that was written between me and a teacher back then), is having my words ignored, and even moreso, being contradicted by people that appear to be ignoring 90% of everything I'm saying. Then I come off sounding like the only ******* in the room (so to speak), but in my eyes, that's a bit of a prickish thing to do.
 
I find it amusing how you are trying to justify why you can judge the honeysuckle out of everyone but no one can judge you. And sorry, but you are the one that is ignoring 90% of what people are saying.
 
Nurture is taught, instilled from a young age sure... But learned behavior. Meaning it can be changed, you can learn another way of doing things. And if your nature is the opposite... Then that only helps things along.

Fine, everyone has pet peeves. You don't like it when you think people aren't listening to your words. I don't like it when people react with insults. (And I never said you were an *******... I prefer not to be banned 😉)

And because I didn't say it before. I am sorry for what you went through as a child. No one deserves that.

I do want to ask though, you mentioned still being around your mother... I got the hell out as soon as I could, and stayed away as much as possible. Why would you choose to stay around someone who caused you so much pain? I had a nervous breakdown and nearly ended up killing myself before I moved out. Have you considered that getting some distance may help you with your anxiety at the very least? I understand money being an issue.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I find it amusing how you are trying to justify why you can judge the honeysuckle out of everyone but no one can judge you.  And sorry, but you are the one that is ignoring 90% of what people are saying.

Well, all you've done is patronize me, then act condescending when I don't simply accept your under-thought and over-spoken diagnosis of my situation. You've been acting this entire time like you know me. You know a few words I've spoken on an internet message board, you know nothing of me. But my words will likely just be wasted on you, because so far you've only used them to lash out at me with short replies that don't even reference anything I've said. You come at me with "you're just making excuses" and you want me to what? thank you, like "oh, you're right, I'll just forget that 95% of my entire 39 year life has been trash, and well, get over it... Mybad, sorry for bothering you with my troubles..."
I may sound like an ******* with the words I'm speaking, but after your last couple messages, believe me, I've actually been quite civil, considering...
 
kaetic said:
Nurture is taught, instilled from a young age sure... But learned behavior. Meaning it can be changed, you can learn another way of doing things. And if your nature is the opposite... Then that only helps things along.

Fine, everyone has pet peeves. You don't like it when you think people aren't listening to your words. I don't like it when people react with insults. (And I never said you were an *******... I prefer not to be banned 😉)

And because I didn't say it before. I am sorry for what you went through as a child. No one deserves that.

I do want to ask though, you mentioned still being around your mother... I got the hell out as soon as I could, and stayed away as much as possible. Why would you choose to stay around someone who caused you so much pain? I had a nervous breakdown and nearly ended up killing myself before I moved out. Have you considered that getting some distance may help you with your anxiety at the very least? I understand money being an issue.

I'm not saying that change isn't possible, only that, well, saying "it isn't easy" is a drastic understatement in my particular case. I kinda understand why people would act like I'm trying to stand out, like I'm somehow special and no one else has had it worse. I mean, I grew into the millennial age (unfortunately); the age in which smartphones, social media, and really, the internet in general, went mainstream.. And with that, the ability for every Tom, Dick, and harry to easily rant to the world about every little thing that went wrong in their lives. It's easy enough to dehumanize people over the internet, with such a flood of the same honeysuckle; for the people with the real problems to get scoffed at and ignored because they're not as bad as the midget woman with club foot, that got stuffed in her closet and raped for 10-15 years by her parents, then after all that, still managed to become president of the book club..

One thing I will tell you though, about probably 98+% of the people that went through horrid honeysuckle in their lives, and still managed to rise above it and get past it. I would bet my left nut that they had people to back them. Not /insert random internet text people here! but someone in their life that believed in them, that supported them, that stayed with them.. Or maybe they were born with different genes, and therefore were not really the overly emotional types. I really must say, one of the cruelest things about my existence is that my emotions are so damned intense.. I have no issues in terms of sexual identity, but in terms of emotion; I often feel as if I was an overly sensitive female born into the body of a somewhat objectively unattractive man.. That's where a part of my anti-feminist stuff comes from. I'm jealous of all that women get, all the support that they get in our society, and from other females, and how they're treated like emotional beings. The general treatment of men in society is "you're a man.. Man up and get over it" Someone see's a man crying and instantly assumes someone died.. Cuz men aren't supposed to have emotions (the way people act..)..

I've come to the conclusion that I can't possibly have any form of meaningful connection with anyone until I fix myself, but the part of me that's broken is my heart... I can't fix that alone.. Classic catch 22..
 
xephier102 said:
I'm not saying that change isn't possible, only that, well, saying "it isn't easy" is a drastic understatement in my particular case. I kinda understand why people would act like I'm trying to stand out, like I'm somehow special and no one else has had it worse.

Seriously....that's what all this is about? lol You are ridiculous. Sorry, but you are. Overcoming all of that will be the HARDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE, in most circumstances. Does that mean it shouldn't be done? Does that mean you should just say fresia it and not bother at all? No, whether or not it's easy or hard doesn't mean it isn't necessary. Either way, if you want a decent life, it has to be done. Your choice.

I was going to insert some honeysuckle about the next part, but changed my mind. Because what's the point.

xephier102 said:
I've come to the conclusion that I can't possibly have any form of meaningful connection with anyone until I fix myself, but the part of me that's broken is my heart... I can't fix that alone.. Classic catch 22..

lol, and you no one else can fix it for you. Maybe if you stop trying to judge every single person and making your problems worse than anyone else's and maybe if you stop being so....you, maybe someone here would want to be supportive.
The work has to be done alone. Sure people can support you, but they can't help you do it. But, it also can't be done until you are ready to let go of the blame and excuses and I don't think you are ready to do that. You have to suck up the bullshit and do what needs done. You have to want to change more than anything you have ever wanted. You have to want it deep in your heart, not just in your head. I think your heart is still too full of hate to want to get better.
 
TheRealCallie said:
xephier102 said:
I'm not saying that change isn't possible, only that, well, saying "it isn't easy" is a drastic understatement in my particular case. I kinda understand why people would act like I'm trying to stand out, like I'm somehow special and no one else has had it worse.

Seriously....that's what all this is about?  lol  You are ridiculous.  Sorry, but you are.  Overcoming all of that will be the HARDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE, in most circumstances. Does that mean it shouldn't be done?  Does that mean you should just say fresia it and not bother at all?  No, whether or not it's easy or hard doesn't mean it isn't necessary.  Either way, if you want a decent life, it has to be done.  Your choice.

I was going to insert some honeysuckle about the next part, but changed my mind.  Because what's the point.

xephier102 said:
I've come to the conclusion that I can't possibly have any form of meaningful connection with anyone until I fix myself, but the part of me that's broken is my heart... I can't fix that alone.. Classic catch 22..

lol, and you no one else can fix it for you.  Maybe if you stop trying to judge every single person and making your problems worse than anyone else's and maybe if you stop being so....you, maybe someone here would want to be supportive.
The work has to be done alone.  Sure people can support you, but they can't help you do it.  But, it also can't be done until you are ready to let go of the blame and excuses and I don't think you are ready to do that. You have to suck up the bullshit and do what needs done.  You have to want to change more than anything you have ever wanted.   You have to want it deep in your heart, not just in your head.  I think your heart is still too full of hate to want to get better.
It's a complete waste of time even trying to explain myself to you. I'm pretty sure that you had your mind made up about me on your first reply. Please stop adding more replies.. you're just coming off as ignorant at this point.. Like, seriously, do you just enter everyone's threads with your universal one size fits all answers? Why not just shorten it down to get to the point "your issues are bullshit, get over it!" short, to the point, and doesn't feign any false concept of you giving a crap.
 

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