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Just to get off my chest ....
I wasn't here for some time. Last time wasn't in very good tone, now it's not also.
Me and my girlfriend broke up.
Let's say it's cause of life circumstances, so there is no like bad blood or something.
People in my country mostly break up cause of life circumstances, highly percentage is like job in different town ....
So really no bad blood in terms of us.
But this just got me on wrong day ....
I mean, I knew this was comming, and there was nothing I could do ....
But it just got me on wrong day.
My life about 6 - 8 months ago started to feel like strange and like , hard, and like - complicated - all in one time.
That kinda did mentally kill my life energy. It did squeeze me like lemon for lemonade.
I didn't know how to react on situation, so I just started to do things which would make me happy I guess, to get my energy level back.
In same time, my body started to feel really strange. Not like I was in pain, but like it wasn't mine. I started to have like minor chronical body problems. I still have them.
In same time, we two got to like, become more and more strangers. We didn't feel close as in first days. We started to got away.
Her life, my life. We just started to get away from eachother.
At that point, I knew it was over. But this just got me on wrong day.
The problem is .......
All my life I have been surrounding with this strange feeling.
No matter what I do in my life, or where I go. I just don't feel like I belong there.
And that feeling has stuck with me all my life.
It just consumed me.
I worked soo hard to get f.e. in collage in one big town. So I can get away from tiny village.
Adoption to that lifestyle was extremely hard, so I ended up hating that big town. I really felt that I don't have nothing to do with this "city people". On other hand, I really hate the place I live .... I didn't belong there also.
Hobby perspective also. I started to like working hard to be full time in that, and turn it into a job. Then I ended up hating people which I was surrounded there, I started to really hate kinda ways of behavior there. I gave up on it shortly after it.
I just show interests on some stuff, and door suddenly close on me, and then I started to like , hit the door for some time, and then I eventually gave up, and find some new stuff. And the circle repeats infinite number of times.
In same time, my mental saving battery was getting lower and lower cause of life circumstances.
I stopped going to treatments, cause my body is in bad shape. And I'm honestly tired of doctors just cutting my body ... I'm tired of angry nurses, I'm tired of that hospital lifestyle. I hate that place. And I really don't wanna go there anymore. I just can't do it anymore.
My girlfriend was really the "first thing" for which I had feeling it would last, and somehow when I'm with her, that stupid "I don't belong anywhere" feeling was just gone. I was just soo blessed with that.
But I forgot one big lesson - We live in 21st century, people are not made to love eachother to end of life.
It just got me on wrong day, and in wrong life circle.
So now I'm stuck with .... I don't even know how to call it feeling.
We told eachother everything what was needed to be said in terms of break up. I don't wanna go back to her.
I'm on like clean side with everything.
But I just feel lost.
In one way, I really sense huge relief. On other way, I just feel sense of loss. I just can't shake of that feeling of not belonging anywhere. -.- And it just won't go away. And I'm trying soo hard in terms of ..... get away from that strange feeling.

On the other hand, my body is really in a bad shape .... I needed to go to 2-3 surgeries , and like few mini procedures in terms of cutting. And I just don't wanna do it anymore. I'm just soo mentally drained and squezzed that I can't describe you that. Also knowing that they gave me certain number of years to live, doesn't help also .... At this point, I don't care, if it will be like, in 10 days, or like in that time window which they gave me.

But it was a good run. Based on my life circumstances, I'm the only one who would get this far in life. Tons of people in my place would gave up long time ago. At least I'm proud of that.

I just wanna get my life somehow together, tiny bit recharge my batteries. And get it together, and have that last life sprint in style.
But I just don't have the will to do it anymore. I just wanna recharge my life batteries, and then let God do His stuff.

I won't do anything to myself - don't get me wrong.
I'm just looking for ..... life energy recharging advice. -.-
And kinda, how to get it back together for final sprint. -.-

Because ... Everything is soo heavy now. :/
I mean, it was before also, but now it's extra heavy. :/

I am sorry for this hardship that you are going through, ShyNLonely. It is sad, but sometimes this is what we get in life and we need to learn to just accept it and move on. I get a lot of inspiration from people in the earlier generations, like people who went through World War II. They also got separated from their loved ones, lost jobs, suffered and went through hardships. But many people then believe in God and the Bible and values like heroism, courage, and perseverance, and were able to get on with life. I encourage you to talk to a pastor or missionary in your area and let God talk to you and be real to you. He is real to me and helped me in my suffering. Do not think about women for now, just focus on your well being and you spiritual life and it might help your life feel better down the road even if it is not necessarily getting better.
Hmm, me and god are in really strange relationship. I was putted in life circumstances which I don't like (ofc not by my free will) , and I tried my whole life to run away from this circumstances ..... So when someone says God, I'm not sure what to tell. We are really not in best relationship. -.-

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