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Cucuboth

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2012
Messages
387
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21
Location
Australia
Feel even more lonely, more isolated and invisible, than ever. And know that these feelings are only increasing. 

I have given up even trying to do small talk when buying something at a shop, or when getting fuel. Nobody is interested. I would get just disinterested grunts, or ignored. So what’s the point. Work is how it always is. Nobody talks to me. If they want something it is always just a text message or a note stuck to the door. 

Had a birthday 10 days ago. Just another one alone. Not even any contact with my family. That’s how interested they are. 

Nobody has asked how I am or anything. Nobody ever does. And to be honest, there is nobody to ask really. Even online, there is nowhere to be. Nobody to really talk with on any regular basis. On any daily basis. I don’t fit in. The chat rooms and apps, and dating apps, just don’t work. Invisible, even in them.

Have asked for help in meeting people. In actually meeting people, not advice on how to, or where to go. Have asked for help in finding dates or something. But nothing has worked. Nobody is interested. Maybe being diagnosed as autistic scares people. Even here. I don’t know. Have even been to groups with autistic people though, and even there, I didn’t fit in. There was no connection. No conversations. I went there alone ... and really, you might be surprised with how many autistic people are in relationships. But I went there alone, and left alone. As usual. Like I said, I didn’t fit in. 

Invisible. That’s all I am.
 
Autism can make things more difficult, but you have to find new ways of doing things. What works for others likely isn't going to work for you, but there are ways to make it happen. It could be that you are trying too hard. I believe that when you are autistic and try too hard, it comes off no where near what you wanted it to. It can put people's guards up.
But, you say being diagnosed could potentially scare people. Do you tell everyone? No one has to know that. I mean, if you get into a relationship, you may want to disclose that, but it's not necessary for a first, second or even third date. Don't focus on what your diagnosis is. Focus on finding the right method for you.
 
Having a handicap can be tough. But we live with what we've got. I have a strange one. It can cause people to think I've been drinking. A man once doubted my ability to drive because he thought I was loaded. Had I been drunk it would have been the responsible thing for him to do. But since I wasn't, and had to explain myself, it was an invasion of privacy.

But, you have to put up with what you have to put up with.

One thing you can count on is that people shy away from what they don't understand. You can't go to a new venue where you are different and expect anyone to accept you. In our cases, finding relationships is an investment in time. People need to get used to you. Then they'll take some time to know you.

You are who you are. But there is someone, probably many someones, that will take you for yourself. But you have to be yourself or you'll end up in a short term relationship with the wrong person.

You're going to live the time anyway, so why not put it to use. Go back to that autism group. Then go again and again. You can go other places too. No point in putting all your eggs in the same hen house. Give people time to see the real you. And for your sake, I hope that isn't the pessimistic presence that your post presented. People back off from pessimism faster than they back off from the unknown.

You'll only make yourself more miserable if you accept your misery.
 
petn said:
Nice to see the advice patrol at work.

Advice is meant to be considered.  It isn't an absolute.  You take from it what you can use and add it to the others.  People that don't need advice don't post on these boards.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Autism can make things more difficult, but you have to find new ways of doing things.  What works for others likely isn't going to work for you, but there are ways to make it happen.  It could be that you are trying too hard.  I believe that when you are autistic and try too hard, it comes off no where near what you wanted it to.  It can put people's guards up.  
But, you say being diagnosed could potentially scare people.  Do you tell everyone?  No one has to know that.  I mean, if you get into a relationship, you may want to disclose that, but it's not necessary for a first, second or even third date.  Don't focus on what your diagnosis is.  Focus on finding the right method for you.

Yes. What works for others definitely doesn’t seem to work for me. Have followed advice that people have given, on here, advice from therapists, ect ect, to meet people, but, it just doesn’t work. I thought the internet would be an easier place to meet someone, but, it isn’t. 

No, I don’t tell everyone. I don’t get to, since things never get to the talking stage. That’s one of the reasons why I wonder if it is noticeable in me, if that is something that scares people off. Because it has always been a struggle to find even just a conversation, let alone anyone that could be a friend. Or more than friends. Even with interests and hobbies, I just find that .. well .. that nobody wants to talk with me. It has always been that way.


JJW said:
Having a handicap can be tough.  But we live with what we've got.  I have a strange one.  It can cause people to think I've been drinking.  A man once doubted my ability to drive because he thought I was loaded.  Had I been drunk it would have been the responsible thing for him to do.  But since I wasn't, and had to explain myself, it was an invasion of privacy.

But, you have to put up with what you have to put up with.

One thing you can count on is that people shy away from what they don't understand.  You can't go to a new venue where you are different and expect anyone to accept you.  In our cases, finding relationships is an investment in time.  People need to get used to you.  Then they'll take some time to know you.

You are who you are.  But there is someone, probably many someones, that will take you for yourself.  But you have to be yourself or you'll end up in a short term relationship with the wrong person.

You're going to live the time anyway, so why not put it to use.  Go back to that autism group.  Then go again and again.  You can go other places too.  No point in putting all your eggs in the same hen house.  Give people time to see the real you.  And for your sake, I hope that isn't the pessimistic presence that your post presented.  People back off from pessimism faster than they back off from the unknown.

You'll only make yourself more miserable if you accept your misery.

There are things I do and places I go that I have been going to for a long while now. Been at my current job for 3 years, but still there is nobody there that will talk with me. Not even to say good morning. They avoid me really, only communicating through texts or post-it notes ... and even then, only ever about work. Same with a group I have been going to for 14 years now. There is nobody to talk with there, no connection with anyone. They have made it clear that they aren’t interested in knowing me. So, I focus on the activities there, because I like it, but, that doesn’t lessen the loneliness any at all. 

It seems that the longer I stay somewhere, the more invisible I become. I think people get used to me being alone, really. TBH, I even sometimes think that it is comfortable for them. Because it sure isn’t comfortable for me. 

I’m just tired. And out of ideas. Out of hope? It’s not an unlimited supply. I’ve asked for help, but only get told to stay strong and keep trying ... which just feels like a prison door being slammed shut.


petn said:
Nice to see the advice patrol at work.

They didn’t say anything about religion, so, will take that as a plus.
 
Cucuboth said:
TheRealCallie said:
Autism can make things more difficult, but you have to find new ways of doing things.  What works for others likely isn't going to work for you, but there are ways to make it happen.  It could be that you are trying too hard.  I believe that when you are autistic and try too hard, it comes off no where near what you wanted it to.  It can put people's guards up.  
But, you say being diagnosed could potentially scare people.  Do you tell everyone?  No one has to know that.  I mean, if you get into a relationship, you may want to disclose that, but it's not necessary for a first, second or even third date.  Don't focus on what your diagnosis is.  Focus on finding the right method for you.

Yes. What works for others definitely doesn’t seem to work for me. Have followed advice that people have given, on here, advice from therapists, ect ect, to meet people, but, it just doesn’t work. I thought the internet would be an easier place to meet someone, but, it isn’t. 

No, I don’t tell everyone. I don’t get to, since things never get to the talking stage. That’s one of the reasons why I wonder if it is noticeable in me, if that is something that scares people off. Because it has always been a struggle to find even just a conversation, let alone anyone that could be a friend. Or more than friends. Even with interests and hobbies, I just find that .. well .. that nobody wants to talk with me. It has always been that way.






People probably can see some parts of the autism.  Autism does not have a look, but it likely comes across more as weirdness.  I can't help in real life other than to keep trying and not give up.  I know a lot of people have had success with ABA therapy.  I don't care for that because it basically ingrains how to be "normal."  I don't see autism as something to "cure," because there's nothing wrong with you, you're just different and everyone is different in some way.   I don't know if you've checked into it before, but if your autism is something that annoys you a lot, you could see if there are any therapists near you.  (You may have and sorry if I don't recall)

Anyway, I'd be more than happy to talk to you, if you want.  You can PM me or you can come into the chat room.  I'm not afraid :p   lol
 
You are not alone my friend! There are lots of people who care for you! God cares for You!

Have you tried finding a small group at a church nearby? I know a lot of people who get connection at their local church. It takes awhile to find the right group - but so worth it. I have been in several small groups and met some good people there.

There are also a ton of interest groups on meetup.com. Finding people with common interests is key to conversations.

Best of luck in this! Keep the faith! Prayers!
 
TheRealCallie said:
Cucuboth said:
TheRealCallie said:
Autism can make things more difficult, but you have to find new ways of doing things.  What works for others likely isn't going to work for you, but there are ways to make it happen.  It could be that you are trying too hard.  I believe that when you are autistic and try too hard, it comes off no where near what you wanted it to.  It can put people's guards up.  
But, you say being diagnosed could potentially scare people.  Do you tell everyone?  No one has to know that.  I mean, if you get into a relationship, you may want to disclose that, but it's not necessary for a first, second or even third date.  Don't focus on what your diagnosis is.  Focus on finding the right method for you.

Yes. What works for others definitely doesn’t seem to work for me. Have followed advice that people have given, on here, advice from therapists, ect ect, to meet people, but, it just doesn’t work. I thought the internet would be an easier place to meet someone, but, it isn’t. 

No, I don’t tell everyone. I don’t get to, since things never get to the talking stage. That’s one of the reasons why I wonder if it is noticeable in me, if that is something that scares people off. Because it has always been a struggle to find even just a conversation, let alone anyone that could be a friend. Or more than friends. Even with interests and hobbies, I just find that .. well .. that nobody wants to talk with me. It has always been that way.






People probably can see some parts of the autism.  Autism does not have a look, but it likely comes across more as weirdness.  I can't help in real life other than to keep trying and not give up.  I know a lot of people have had success with ABA therapy.  I don't care for that because it basically ingrains how to be "normal."  I don't see autism as something to "cure," because there's nothing wrong with you, you're just different and everyone is different in some way.   I don't know if you've checked into it before, but if your autism is something that annoys you a lot, you could see if there are any therapists near you.  (You may have and sorry if I don't recall)

Anyway, I'd be more than happy to talk to you, if you want.  You can PM me or you can come into the chat room.  I'm not afraid :p   lol



Have been going to therapists since I was 16 (am now 44) and have tried many therapies. Nine have been any help. Was only diagnosed as autistic 3 years ago, but already tried ABA with a couple of therapists. But it hasn’t helped. Especially with socialising. Therapy has always made it feel like it is ok to know the theory of how to socialise, but that doesn’t mean you are going to find someone who wants to socialise with you, which is where it all seems to fall apart for me.


catch_the_music said:
You are not alone my friend!  There are lots of people who care for you!  God cares for You!  

Have you tried finding a small group at a church nearby?  I know a lot of people who get connection at their local church. It takes awhile to find the right group - but so worth it.  I have been in several small groups and met some good people there.  

There are also a ton of interest groups on meetup.com.   Finding people with common interests is key to conversations.

Best of luck in this! Keep the faith!  Prayers!

I’m not religious, but still, have tried church groups in the past, and found them to be just as shallow and judgemental as anywhere else really. But yeah, I don’t believe in any god so am not going to pretend I do. 

Meetup is pointless, at least where I am. It is all just mothers groups, and groups for senior citizens.
 
Cucuboth said:
Have been going to therapists since I was 16 (am now 44) and have tried many therapies. Nine have been any help. Was only diagnosed as autistic 3 years ago, but already tried ABA with a couple of therapists. But it hasn’t helped. Especially with socialising. Therapy has always made it feel like it is ok to know the theory of how to socialise, but that doesn’t mean you are going to find someone who wants to socialise with you, which is where it all seems to fall apart for me.

From my understanding, ABA basically has to be like a full time job for it to work and it takes years. Not many adults have the time to put in that much effort.
As for socializing, I think a lot of people have issues with that, whether they are autistic or neurotypical. Autism can definitely make it harder, but I don't think it's impossible at all. You just have to keep looking for those people that understand and will accept you. How is the awareness in your community? Are people ignorant of it? Do you have any Autism awareness/acceptance events? If you don't, perhaps you could organize one. That will put yourself in a position to meet more people and help others understand and be aware.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Cucuboth said:
Have been going to therapists since I was 16 (am now 44) and have tried many therapies. Nine have been any help. Was only diagnosed as autistic 3 years ago, but already tried ABA with a couple of therapists. But it hasn’t helped. Especially with socialising. Therapy has always made it feel like it is ok to know the theory of how to socialise, but that doesn’t mean you are going to find someone who wants to socialise with you, which is where it all seems to fall apart for me.

From my understanding, ABA basically has to be like a full time job for it to work and it takes years.  Not many adults have the time to put in that much effort.  
As for socializing, I think a lot of people have issues with that, whether they are autistic or neurotypical.  Autism can definitely make it harder, but I don't think it's impossible at all.  You just have to keep looking for those people that understand and will accept you.  How is the awareness in your community?  Are people ignorant of it? Do you have any Autism awareness/acceptance events?  If you don't, perhaps you could organize one.  That will put yourself in a position to meet more people and help others understand and be aware.

There are awareness groups and events, and I have been to some, but, they weren’t very good. At least not for me anyway. I think here there is still the view, the stigma, that if you are autistic then you are incapable of friendship and relationships. I found them to be not very welcoming places.
 
Being ill is awful and lonely. i have a handicap too and it's depressing. I know it's hard to find people to connect with that are accepting and understanding.My b day is soon and i do nothing . I just hang out with my cat. I wish i had some good advice to give to you.
I do hope things get better for you since u deserve happiness too.
 

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