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Pressure to get married
#1
I never understand the importance of marriage. Nobody around me gives a f about their own life more than they care about my marriage.
Is me getting married more important than how their life is going on? 

To me, the idea of sharing my resources to a woman who pretends to love me is unacceptable. I don't know her past. I don't know whether she still has the leftover burden of some other guy in her head. Off-course, if that is the case, she's going to lie. 
Everyone lies in the interview when they lack the necessary competence they claim in the resume.

How can she ensure that she has never loved anyone else before, since no woman, even in my family so far has been able to convince me that first love is not the only genuine love? But has ended up proving otherwise.


What even is the point of getting married when she is just going to fake her emotions in order to get a benefit? Here it simply means that my parents will not be seen as parents of someone who is a loser. How advanced their techniques are, to get us into being slaves and signing a legal contract which has absolutely no profit for me but all profits for her.
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#2
Why is first love the only genuine love?
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#3
My wife gave me the best three years of my life. But the other 37 have been hell.

That was a punchline once, but it's the damned truth.

Marriage is a piece of paper, joint taxes and a beneficiary. But what is love? It is a commitment to each other that should transcend any tradition. If you've got love you don't need marriage. If you've got marriage, it doesn't make love automatic.

If you have any doubt, wait.
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#4
(03-21-2020, 07:54 AM)JJW Wrote: My wife gave me the best three years of my life.  But the other 37 have been hell.

That was a punchline once, but it's the damned truth.  

Marriage is a piece of paper, joint taxes and a beneficiary.  But what is love?  It is a commitment to each other that should transcend any tradition.  If you've got love you don't need marriage.  If you've got marriage, it doesn't make love automatic.

If you have any doubt, wait.

I understand all of that. 
The problem is the pressure from my family.
For example, my grandma. "I hope you get married as soon as possible so that I can die with peace."  
Same for my parents and other relatives.
Now this is emotional blackmail. She might be thinking that if I get married my life will be settled. But it is me, who has to deal with whatever comes, for the rest of my life. It is being very difficult to explain to them that this sort of thing holds absolutely no profit to me, from my perspective.

(03-20-2020, 10:13 PM)MissBehave Wrote: Why is first love the only genuine love?

Read the articles I posted.
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#5
What you would get from the arrangement - assuming you are correct about there being no genuine feeling involved - is company and the possibility of having a family should you so want. Take it or leave it I guess. Personally, I'd take it if it were an option. A life that holds some content, even drama and disappointment is better than nothing.
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#6
(03-22-2020, 02:09 AM)M_also_lonely Wrote: I understand all of that. 
The problem is the pressure from my family.
For example, my grandma. "I hope you get married as soon as possible so that I can die with peace."  
Same for my parents and other relatives.
Now this is emotional blackmail. She might be thinking that if I get married my life will be settled. But it is me, who has to deal with whatever comes, for the rest of my life. It is being very difficult to explain to them that this sort of thing holds absolutely no profit to me, from my perspective.


Assuming you have strong family bonds, stand up for yourself.   Let them know that this isn't the time for it.  Maybe it's not the right girl.  Maybe you just have some things to accomplish first.  You made your own best point.  It's your life.  Tell them outright that you won't be guilted into doing something you are uncertain of.

I'll be damned if I'd have tolerated my family deciding who and when I'd marry.  You have to make your life decisions alone.  You're the one that suffers the mistakes.
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#7
My parents married for the wrong reasons. My Dad married simply to please his family - because they, like yours, expected him to marry and put pressure on him to do that. So he did.

They stuck it out for 25 years (although there were other things involved that I'm not going into) before they finally got divorced. And, although I was upset at the time (I was still young) I later realised how unsuitable they were for each other. They were A LOT happier apart than they EVER were together.

Not sure if that helps or not.
I'm an Optimistic Pessimist. I'm absolutely POSITIVE that it's all going to go horribly wrong...

Marge: I'm not afraid
Grampa: Then you're not paying close enough attention
(from episode entitled 'Strong Arms of the Ma')
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#8
(03-20-2020, 05:19 PM)M_also_lonely Wrote: I never understand the importance of marriage. 

There you go. Don't do it. I was pressured big time over the years to get married. But, I never felt it was right or that I was really loved. One woman I was with for five years, was honest, and said she was with me because of my earning potential. She got props for being honest but that really hurt. I thought we loved each other. Anyway, I was relieved after each break up, sometimes surprisingly so.

Having a life long marriage is extremely difficult. The problem is that all people change over time even ourselves. So, you can really grow to dislike the other person and vice versa. IMO marriages that work long term require some kind of trap. The traps keep people together during times they would otherwise flea. I don't like traps for me or anybody else. I believe in the open door policy. But, I've found that if you make it too easy for people to leave they will. Ha! Ha! But, I still don't want to trap anybody. Sometimes I stop right in the middle of a conversation if the other person is not listening to what I'm sa....................  Ha! ha!

I did end up getting married though. I decided to start fresh and found someone with strong morals and principals. She even said so. Ha! ha! I found her on Match.com. I flew to her country, got to know her, and then got a fiance visa. A few months later we were married and living in my house. But, she took off about three months later leaving only a thank you letter for helping her become a US citizen. Ha! Ha! I'll leave out all the horrible stuff she did to me as it's not worth mentioning. But, the joke was on me. Lesson learned. Ha! ha!

So, ONLY get married if you are sure you really love the other person. The other person loves you. AND, it makes sense to do so. Ignore the pressure. The people putting pressure on you aren't going to be there when the times are tough so don't listen to them now.

P.S. If she's hot give her my phone number when you dump her. Ha! Ha!
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#9
The fact of the matter is that you live in a different culture than we do, so I'm not sure we can give you any kind of real advice because we don't know the ramifications of doing it and not doing it.

That said, the choice is ultimately yours. Say no and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. Say yes and deal with the consequences. I would be inclined to say don't get married simply because other people want you to, but again, it's a different culture that I don't understand fully. I never liked the idea of arranged marriages, but I do know some of them have worked out wonderfully and even turned into love later down the road.
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