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Haven't experienced the normal ups and downs of life
#1
I have led an extraordinarily uneventful, empty life. This has led to many people telling me, throughout my life, how I'm so very lucky that I'm not experiencing heartbreak, or despair, or injury. And true--I'm very lucky for that. But these same people invariably go on to experience great joys after the great pains, and then the next crop of friends comes along with their problems, and the cycle continues. I'm always in limbo. Never really in crisis, certainly none so severe that anyone else would care about it. But I also never have any joys. My entire life consists of stressing out about and looking after others in crisis, all of whom eventually find happiness.

I guess I'm tired of feeling joyless, and then guilty for feeling sorry for myself because I know nothing about real struggles. It's gotten to the point where I fantasize about something terrible happening to me, because then at least I can direct my unhappiness at something, and I have the recovery to look forward to and work towards. I no longer fantasize about good things happening to me.
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#2
I think being lonely, aching for a companion in life or friendship, and aching for intimacy on any level, is it's own tragedy.  It can make some people horribly bitter, even malicious.  For others it can bring great despair, difficulty, and hardship.  Some can use it as a well of creativity to draw from; Charles Bukowski comes to mind.

I guess I won't give any suggestions or advice.  I, along with many others, have no use for it; or aren't in a position to be able to act on any of it.  Some times you are just stuck at one of life's train stations for a while.

Sorry you are going through what you are going through; but, I hope you find some joy and enjoyment in life.  It's quite a beautiful thing, at times...

I'd also like to say, don't give up hope.  A man I greatly admire once argued the futility of hope, in the face of the inevitability that we will all, one day, fall apart, and die.  However, hope, is not something I would ever want to part with.  I'd rather be destroyed in hoping.

I'd rather dream a thousand dreams of future love and future beauty, even if it meant I would die slightly insane from the pain of the reality that never manifested such things.  I would be lucky enough to hear songs of love, to drown myself in fantasies of romance in movies, television, and music.  Yes, you have to take your head out of the clouds some times and work with your reality.  There are times in life when life forces you to accept the brutality of your reality.  Some people literally do go insane, unable to cope with reality...

Sorry if any or all of that is off base, and you can't relate to any of it; but, I hope you do not give up hope...
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle.
Namu Amida Butsu.

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#3
Kind of understand what you mean.

Anything good that has happened to me, has always been tainted by something bad that destroys it, and it’s memories. No happiness, no joy, has been long lasting.

I don’t have the same life experiences as most others have. There has been no good relationship. Childhood wasn’t good. No fun things to remember with friends, because there hasn’t been any friends.
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#4
(03-24-2020, 10:00 AM)Futurecatlady2 Wrote: I have led an extraordinarily uneventful, empty life. This has led to many people telling me, throughout my life, how I'm so very lucky that I'm not experiencing heartbreak, or despair, or injury. And true--I'm very lucky for that. But these same people invariably go on to experience great joys after the great pains, and then the next crop of friends comes along with their problems, and the cycle continues. I'm always in limbo. Never really in crisis, certainly none so severe that anyone else would care about it. But I also never have any joys. My entire life consists of stressing out about and looking after others in crisis, all of whom eventually find happiness.

I guess I'm tired of feeling joyless, and then guilty for feeling sorry for myself because I know nothing about real struggles. It's gotten to the point where I fantasize about something terrible happening to me, because then at least I can direct my unhappiness at something, and I have the recovery to look forward to and work towards. I no longer fantasize about good things happening to me.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Hello, I am sorry you are going thru this vicious cycle.  I urge you to believe in yourself.  for you were born with a purpose.  you are valuable. you are worthy of good things in your life.  What we believe in matters.  where we put our faith and what we listen to in our heads matters.  So, with that being said.... if you focus on the negative thoughts/events and feelings then that is what you will attract. if you want to have joy, peace and a life of prosperity, then you need to train your mind to thinking such way.  I have learned this for myself so I speak from experience.  is it ok that we talk thru private message.  I believe that I can help you.  You re worthy of every effort you put forth.  hugs of encouragement. Smile
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#5
(03-24-2020, 10:00 AM)Futurecatlady2 Wrote: I have led an extraordinarily uneventful, empty life. This has led to many people telling me, throughout my life, how I'm so very lucky that I'm not experiencing heartbreak, or despair, or injury. And true--I'm very lucky for that. But these same people invariably go on to experience great joys after the great pains, and then the next crop of friends comes along with their problems, and the cycle continues. I'm always in limbo. Never really in crisis, certainly none so severe that anyone else would care about it. But I also never have any joys. My entire life consists of stressing out about and looking after others in crisis, all of whom eventually find happiness.

I guess I'm tired of feeling joyless, and then guilty for feeling sorry for myself because I know nothing about real struggles. It's gotten to the point where I fantasize about something terrible happening to me, because then at least I can direct my unhappiness at something, and I have the recovery to look forward to and work towards. I no longer fantasize about good things happening to me.

Sounds a lot like me, actually. I've had my share of rough times (although generally not nearly as bad as a lot of people who go through difficult things), but my life is generally devoid of happiness and joy, too. I just don't really let myself be happy anymore, because when I am I generally get it shot down pretty reliably.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice though, as I haven't found anything that helps yet myself. Out of curiosity though, how old are you? It would help better parse your experiences and get an idea of what advice there might be (not that if you're late teens/early 20s that you feelings aren't legitimate or anything, just that I might actually have some advice to give, but not as much so if you're closer to or over my age).
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#6
Life is not really about aiming to be happy all the time. It is about ups and downs, and grabbing the pockets of happiness when they materialise.  They will disappear.  It's very rare for the majority of humans to have long spells of happiness.

To be on the 'rollercoaster', you've got to:

1. Walk out your front door
2. Challenge yourself to take risks and keep taking risks even if it hurts.
3. Do something 'scary' every day
4. Say 'fuck it, I'm doing it'
5. Do number 4 a lot
6. Just say 'yes' to everything (as long as it's legal)

At some point, review it. 

Had enough of the rollercoaster yet?

Probably will, probably long for your mundanelike life again.

Then you just need to find the balance between the two.

A journey of self-discovery! None of us needs to be scared.
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