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extreme loneliness triggered my bipolar
#1
Problems in my teen years, caused my parents to have me diagnosed and as it turns out I'm bipolar, IE, manic depressive. I had my condition totally under control for many years. Instead of adapting my condition to my surroundings and environment, forcing my condition to adapt to  them, which was causing stress, discomfort, and triggering my depression, I began to live a lifestyle adapting my surroundings and environment to my condition...meaning, that I only did things in my past time that I truly enjoy, didn't intentionally or necessarily attempt to involve myself in situations that cause me tension or stress. Unfortunately most therapist tell bipolar patients that they must adapt themselves to doing the stressful things and obligatory things that life requires of them. That isn't exactly the truth. I found long ago that the only majorly responsible decision I had to make is to pay my bills and manage my money well enough to buy food for the month. Once I learned to do that very well, I then just proceeded to do what I wanted to do on a daily basis. When you are totally disabled by a condition like bipolar you can easily manage your lifestyle without depression by adapting your lifestyle to your illness as opposed to the other way around. This worked for me from the time I was diagnosed in 1980 until April of 2019... in 2016,my father passed away,  and my mother moved in with me at that time, as it had been my father that was paying the rent..my mother fell & injured her leg while living with me. She came home from the hospital and I took care of her while she recuperated.  she  acquired a UTI while she was recuperating.. I sent her to the hospital on January 4 2018.. the hospital sent her to the nursing home, telling me and my sister that she'd be coming home as soon as she recovers. That was a lie, the nursing home called a month later and told us that she was not coming home, that she had not been taken care of appropriately, and that it was not up to her or me, that the nursing home would be her new home. My mother protested , they told her that her son abused her. They denied that they told her that, but she told me herself the first day I visited her. She told me that she denied that I did such and I guess was pretty adamant about it, to the point that she began to argue with them.. of course I was never charged because I'm innocent, but on the other hand they kept her there ! By the time I learned how to get her out of there so much had happened to me that I was never able to set her free of that place! The last time I saw my mother was in April 2019. I was given a no trespassing order by the nursing home unjustly! Even the policeman that escorted me out of the nursing home that very day, told me that my mother is money to them. He saw the administrators actions and responses to me up close and realized that what she was doing was not on the up-and-up , but he couldn't do anything about it. Things immediately got worse for me, as almost immediately after the incident at the nursing home, my apartment complex manager( a new manager that had only been there two weeks) lodged accusations against me that were untrue. Since I'm disabled and unemployed, I took on nights.as my awake time and I sleep days. .. Thats my patterm since 1980 when I was diagnosed. the manager was lodging complaints toward me and accusations because I was walking my dog at 2 and 3 a.m. every morning. I explained to her that I have been doing so for the 10 years that I lived in that apartment complex  and never received any complaints from the tenants or the past four managers and that each of the managers was well aware  I was walking my dog in the middle of the night and had no problem with it! She then told me that three tenants complained that I was peeping in their windows and standing at their back doors, as though I was trying to get in. and I said to her, you're telling me that three tenants, over 70 years old, saw me at their window and at their back door and just went comfortably back to bed!( my point being that they didn't call the police). she merely said, well I don't know about that! Needless to say I received an eviction notice on my door and eventually had to leave my apartment with my dog onto the street with no place to go. I've never been in a situation like this, I always had a roof over my head either with my parents or in my own apartment. My parents were my financial support in regard to rent and anything that I needed like clothes and so on. when my mother was put it in nursing home I had to start paying my rent out of my disability check.. but since I was getting $100 a month in  food stamps, I was still able to support myself and still afford the supplements I need to take for my condition, as well as a pair of pants or shirt or socks and things of that nature. I was fortunate enough to be collecting survivor's benefits after my dad passed away, as that allowed me quite a bit more money per month. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stay in the apartment at all after my mom left. My rent was always paid for by my parents and they always let me keep my check to spend on other necessities as well as things that I wanted..my parents and I were best friends, in fact, they were my only friends. After a long time of being homeless,fighting depression to an extent that I have never felt before, I wound up staying for two weeks with a person that I haven't seen since the mid 70s. since I haven't seen her for so long, she's more of an acquaintance. We were never hangout type of friends, we were just aware of each other for a long time, back then, as she was a friend of a friend.... after two weeks with her I came to be where I am now, and I am more miserable where I'm living now, and lonely, and have absolutely nobody to hang out with or talk to and I'm isolated to my home, not able to go anywhere. It's been 11 months  since my eviction.. I have been living  in a RV at the lake, 50 miles away from my hometown where I was evicted.. under normal circumstances I would love it where I am right now and most people would also. I'm living on the lake at Lake Tawakoni in East Texas! My dog and I are surrounded by wildlife, 47 Acres of wilderness and our trailer is right at the the edge of the lake. It's an RV campground or Park and most of the trailers here are lived in by people who own them. I'm renting to own mine and my last payment is in May! Most people would love to live here, but there's too many problems in my situation.... all of my stuff is in storage n the city that I moved from, which is Seagoville.. this trailer isn't big enough for me and my dog. It's only 26 ft long..a fifth wheel.  there's hardly any walking space inside, if I walk from the couch to my bed in the bedroom that entails all of 6 normal strides and I can't walk any further. That's how small this thing is. I have no physical disabilities a larger place to live in is in a necessity for my dog and I. He can't run and play inside this tin can.. and he needs to desperately... I have no transportation and the closest stores are 17 miles away in the next city. The Family Dollar down the street isn't sufficient to provide the kind of food I need among other things.. nobody in the park is sociable and the few that have spoken to me, think I'm very strange and an oddball to be interested in music videos of the 80s and early to mid 90s and to own as many as I do, which is over 3,000. Needless to say my interests are not typical of a 65 year old person.  during the 80s and 90s, I was hanging out with people 10 to 12 years younger than myself, because I looked younger and I was also into younger music and activities then what  people at my age then,were into.. people  that were in their mid-30s in the 80s , were raised in the 70s and into 70s music and did not like 80s music whatsoever ! and most didn't like the new video games because they weren't Atari ! in fact a huge majority of people that were raised in the 70s, didn't even like the movies that were coming out in the 80s! and they certainly didn't like MTV at all! I was obsessed with 80s music videos and early to mid 90s music videos! I have a collection of over 3,000 in my storage unit 50. miles away.. my favorite movies came out in the 80s.  unlike most people my age,I enjoy much of the alternative and rock bands of today. I do still enjoy 70s and 60s music even older. my taste is so versatile because I've been collecting music since 9 years old! but my obsession with 80s and 90s music and more recent music, makes me an oddball compared to most people my age. I don't enjoy much of the conversation that I have with people in my age group. how taxes and mortgages have changed or gone up    since
the 1970s  just doe not hold my interest for more than one second.  I met one man here that was sociable for a while, he's 60 years old. His conversations consists of talking about things like i said above, how mortgage interest and taxes had changed over the years since he owned a house in the  1970s and topics of that nature. I guess my condition and hanging out with younger people for the past 30 years has caused me to think on a much younger basis as I got older.... I don't have any chronic physical pain in any part of my body, so my only existing problem I'd say is my loneliness ,my bipolar depression.  my home is in my storage unit. I have two chairs in there and all the rest is my wardrobe and a whole bunch of electronic items that accrued in my life, in the past 30 years, including CD players turntables AM FM tuners at all kinds of electronic equipment that I used to pass the time every day and of course my CD collection and my vinyl albums.. those things wont fit in this trailer,  so I have absolutely nothing to do on a daily basis but just sit here and stare at four walls which is why I need to move back into an apartment. I've been stuck here in this trailer, staring at Four Walls doing nothing, no ability to go any place outside the RV Park and my dog has not been able to run and play and be active like he should be, in the 11 months that we've been homeless! we moved into this trailer in September.... we've been here going on 8 months now, I've had nobody to talk to, nobody to socialize with, the only person I have spoken to thanks I'm kind of an oddball and stays away from me because I don't fit the typical Persona of a 65 year old.... I'm not getting the sleep that I need, which is beneficial to a bipolar, as there's too much noise here in the RV Park.  before moving into the RV Park I was still lonely and not socializing, as the few people that were helping me from time to time didn't do any real socializing oh, so moving here it's just the icing on the cake of loneliness. I'm depressed terribly, I want to move back in an apartment so bad, with all my stuff that I have in storage. I had AT&T cable, so I was using my computer online for hours every day  I was recording and downloading music, playing my CDs, running and playing with my dog and much more, which was keeping me happy, even under the circumstances that the nursing home was causing me! I was maintaining my depression so well until the eviction... now I'm in a spot, I have nobody to talk to. For 11 months since eviction, I've been by myself, and now it's worse..not able to get out of the RV Park, stuck in this tin can, unable to play with my dog, and he's 11 years old and beginning to show his senior years now, just since we have lived here! I've been alone and lonely for nearly a year now and it's taking a huge toll on me. If anyone else  is lonely and desires to talk please leave a message here or email me...I  give you my phone number by way of an email if you wish. I'm not sure what email address I have registered with this forum.. the last time I was here was July 2019 I believe. And of course now it's almost April 2020. I've been having to use a cell phone for online usage, which I absolutely hate, as I'm used to using a computer for everything online. I'm horribly depressed almost 24/7 anymore and need desperately somebody to hang out with and talk to that has the same interests.. if you've ever been totally alone for a very long time with nobody to share your interests with then you know what I mean! I was almost totally alone, before moving here into this RV. But when living in my apartment, I had all my possessions as a pastime, and at night I was going to Denny's restaurant every night at 11 p.m. and spending two to three hours drinking coffee and visiting whatever waitress was on duty. then I'd walk home, stopping at Walmart on the way.. that routine lasted for  the 10 years that I lived in that complex before I got a evicted.. I had formed acquaintances at the Denny's, waitresses and Cooks, usually in their mid-twenties , but they didn't think of me as old, because we had such similar interests iin music..im pretty obsessed with 80s and early 90s music and music videos and today ,much of the music   doesn't sound so much different and the staff at the Denny's were even enthusiastic about many I artist's I was  viewing on YouTube.. they would recommend me to certain videos on YouTube and in turn I would recommend them to videos that I was watching. this went on for 10 years and it was extremely enjoyable.. I never wound up hanging out with any of them however, so I stayed quite lonely to a vast degree. but I got to know all of them so well, because going in every night, they began to talk to me about personal problems, with boyfriends, with family and with life in general... we shared problems, as I also would talk about mine. it was mutually beneficial to both the waitress and myself. at times the waitress or cook, what tell me that they were glad I came in because I understood them so well and that it was difficult for them to talk to their friends and anybody in their family... I had a really happy and content span of time over the 10 years that I lived in that apartment.. it was a senior community, which I have found that I enjoy thoroughly, because there's no crime and it's quiet 24/7. But this place I'm in now is noisy on a daily basis, just enough to keep me awake, my dog can't run and play like he needs to, I've had nobody to talk to or share with at all for nearly a year, the only person I see or talk to  is the park manager who comes for his rent once a month. I haven't been off the property to go anywhere, I'm living like a recluse.. I can't get any organization with the state of Texas to help me.. I recently started therapy by way of mdlive and I hope I can get in contact with a caseworker through them and  get the help I need. So far there's not been any agencies that are willing to find a low-rent apartment for me and help me move in even after explaining my living conditions. I have only the clothes on my back that I  was wearing when I got evicted, I can't get to a store for  necessities like food, clothes, and more because I don't have transportation, I'm staring at four walls on a daily basis with absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go... nobody to talk to at all! All of my stuff is in storage 50 miles away. if any of my possessions would fit inside this trailer, it wouldn't be so bad, as I would have plenty to do on a daily basis. hopefully I'll find help by talking to a caseworker. if they won't help me I don't know what I'll do cuz I can't keep living like this. so do me a favor, if you're lonely and need a friend, somebody to share with, to talk to, I'm a good listener as well as a talker, I don't dominate the conversation. being  totally disabled, unemployable, I had a lot of time on my hand in the past, so I studied for a long time and became an ordained minister. that's been the number one thing that has carried me through this horrible depression and loneliness. I'm not legalistic ... I obviously don't believe that music videos and the kind of music one listens to is sending anybody to hell.... I don't get preachy with people and I rarely even mention that I'm a minister, as I generally tell people I'm retired. I had a short lived  online Ministry that I had just started before I got evicted... I don't know if a lonely life forums allows  a person to insert their email  in a post, so I might be risking getting in trouble, I don't know. but if you're lonely, and need someone to talk to, somebody to share with you can email me at. djteel@mail.com. -- I can totally  use the company, as the eviction has caused me depression and loneliness to a major degree, and then moving here to this RV Park,  made it much worse!  ..my mother passed on December 12th, which elevated my depression horribly. The ombudsman had just gotten my rights back for me (agreeing that I did nothing to merit a no trespass order)so that I could visit her but before I could find transportation in order to visit her, she passed on. the last time she had seen me was when I was escorted out of the nursing home due to that no trespassing order! Over time she probably thougit I'd abandoned her..that's another reason my depression elevated after I moved here..sorry for any typos..my glasses broke just before my eviction and visions gotten worse...
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