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I offer you a theory and some thoughts, perhaps.
#1
There are many times in my life where people have ignored me in direct conversation.  Perhaps you have experienced this.  At least 2 people are talking, maybe more, though, a group setting with you included; and, you can't seem to get a word in edge wise.  You might even say something, then repeat it again, only to have the offender or offenders quite literally ignore your words completely, yet at the same time not, exclude you completely.  Clearly they heard you, but they ignored you, and it leaves you wondering why?

I've also done this to other people as well.  I realized it the instant it happened.  I was working at the time, and a customer who was interested in either me or me and the person I was talking to, was trying to, 'get in on the action.'  This was a looooong time ago; but, if I remember correctly, it wasn't that I was ignoring them, I heard them completely.  It was more like, a puzzle was being worked on.  There was a game being played, and she tried to fit a piece that didn't fit.  It's like she didn't know the secret password.  She couldn't be included in the conversation outright; but, to me, anyway, she was still there.  And, I think for my part, my feeling was a sort of indifference, sort of like, yeah, I don't see your piece fitting either.

For me, I've also been content to be alone my whole life, mostly.  I remember as a child, when my mother started feeling comfortable leaving me at home alone, that is the time I enjoyed the most.  I loved when she left.  I was alone and the place was mine.  And no, I wasn't up to trouble, I just enjoyed being alone.  Somehow in the past few years though, that has changed...  I think, maybe, there are times in life, when being alone is just... unbearable at times.  Some times you really need to play a game of baseball and you just don't have a team.  Or, perhaps, you were rowing upstream with the power of 2 or more, and now you're at it alone, and it's just daunting..

Anyway, lonliness is something different, circumstantially, for everyone; but, the feeling is pretty universal, despite it probably having many particular flavors.

I've just read a few posts lately of people describing hopelessness and having giving up on not only love; but, even just finding a confidant.  I could be wrong; but, it's hard to find some one to really connect with.  It's hard to find a friend or friends.  I think back to my life and all the friends I had in it, and honestly, all those relationships just, 'happened.'  A select few of them I made an initial effort, to sort of blow on the sparks and get a fire going; but, all it took was a few puffs and a roaring fire set ablaze.  I didn't have to read a book on how to be more social.  I didn't have to go to a class on how to make friends (though, I did attended classes, from which, I met friends).  Every relationships I've formed in my life romantic or not, wasn't planned, wasn't plotted, it was just a sort of natural progression of things.  That includes a lot of my time spent here.  But, there may be something to the saying, nothing ventured, nothing gained.  And like fishing, you won't catch any fish if your line isn't in the water, and it probably helps to have some bait (but I don't like the idea of fishing, though I can respect the need for a creature of the earth to eat and go about that in their own way).

Another thing I've noticed, is that, the longer you spend, sort of, 'alone,' or cut off, the harder I think it is to fit back in again.  Like in that movie, 'Cast Away;' good movie by the by, you spend that kind of time, that far away, that isolated, and when you come back, you are different, and the people and the life you knew are somewhat the same, though time has passed and changes have occurred.  People can smell lonliness, I think.  I think they can also smell, dispair, and desperation; and unfortunately, this is vinegar for the bees.

And then I think to myself, if being lonely does all these things to put people off and the longer you spend being lonely the worse it gets, what do you do?  I'm getting ahead of myself though.  Now for the theory.

My theory is, there are literal and actual EPOCHS in time, where, engaging in aquiring new social attachments is higher, and other times, it is lower.  And this is an observable effect.  Try finding 10 groups if you want to test it.  They can be online groups, or RL groups, or whatever.  Now try to find 5 younger ones and 5 older ones.  Younger groups are more keen on accepting new members.  They are just starting their adventure and they need more sailors to man the ship.  They have, 'OPENINGS,' so to speak.  They may actually outright state they need more people, although, the group may be VERY old and DESPERATELY in NEED of more new people; but they are too old and tarted to REALLY accept anyone new that comes along.  Meanwhile the groups that may have openings may not even state so, it might be a subtle thing you either catch or don't, and if you do, you're in, and if you don't, well, you are out.

So my theory, is that, knowing the nature of groups, as a social organism unto itself, that has a birth, a young, middle, and old age; the theory goes, there are epochs in time in which there are a lot of new groups, 'social openings', and other epochs of time in which their are, 'no openings,' or, 'strict requirements.'  And this plays out, I think internally within the self, as well as externally in one's home, community, town, city, county, state, country, and even the world at large.  You can see it with romantic relationships as we get older.  Often times, our, 'requirements,' become so strict, so rigid, it's hard for anyone to fit in.  Likewise, when we're young, we are too open, too accepting, and we get burned, thus we close up a bit; but, that's all rather common knowledge.

So I guess to sum up the theory, there are inner forces, some in and some out of our control, as well as outer forces, some perhaps in and some perhaps out of our control, that sort of steer the ship our socio-relational ship.

And I guess going back to the question before, how do you get out of the trap?  I don't know!  It's like being stuck in a pit of sinking sand.  If you try to get out of it, you sink; but, if you stay still, you can kind of slow things down a bit, maybe if you are lucky, not sink at all; but, some how you still must pull yourself out.

As for me, I haven't really done the, 'go to,' stuff.  Some people say VOLUNTEER!  I really can't stand volunteering!  (though, I haven't done it that often.)  Everyone at those places is always so fuckin' happy.  And if they aren't happy, they are wayyyy too fucking busy for your shit, they are trying to help other people with THEIR SHIT!  That's why they are volunteering in the first place!  I did actually do some volunteer work in highschool once and interacted with some pretty kewl people.  I also wasn't doing it because I was lonely and looking for friends.  I was just doing it because I had to or I volunteered to help out.  So I didn't really have anything to really be dissapointed about, and didn't leave with much of anything except having helped out a bit and having had the opportunity to interact with some interesting folks.  So, I came back from that in the positive.

Misery loves company, though.  And nobody likes a Buzz Killington.  But I think those two states, speak of and to places, some one who is lonely, is not really familiar with.  Craving intimacy, connection, and belonging, I think, is really, (i mean gosh, who would have thought?) the human condition?  And perhaps the human condition IS suffering.

So I guess, maybe, with out me being certain of this at all, perhaps, part of the trick of the sand trap, is how to go about occupying your time.  You must remain still and wait for help, or if not help, circumstance, such as a fallen tree branch or something.  So perhaps, the best thing to do is to make a game of it, something to pass the time, and try to stay calm.  Look around you, see what you can see.  how many trees can you count that you can see?  How many different plants are there?  Where is north?  Etc. etc..

I've said before, one should be wary of taking advice from some one that does not follow it themselves.  I don't know if that's true, I just don't like the idea of being given advice from some one who doesn't take it; but, I suppose, maybe, I could give that a try.

I can wait, knowing that nothing ventured is nothing gained.  I can try to make the most of the time I have, even if it is emotionally, 'painful,' at times.  And if I can do nothing but fret, maybe, at least I can fret...

These are my thoughts.  And may your lonely life disappear and become far more interesting, exciting, and full of adventure!..

Fuck off, lonely life! lol  You suck!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle.
Namu Amida Butsu.

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#2
Your posts are always soo long... But worth reading. 🙂

I agree, my relationships have always just 'happened' as well, mostly when I was younger... Though I suppose I'm not all that old yet. I've had to put in more effort sometimes at the beginning, as you said, just trying to ignite what was already there.
I definitely feel less inclined to start new a new relationship now, because... Life. All of the bullshit and drama people go through, I wonder if I'm better off alone. Though it's still nice to hope that my relationships aren't done 'happening' just yet.
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#3
Thnx for the kind words.  Just some thoughts, I guess..
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle.
Namu Amida Butsu.

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#4
When we're young, our brains make lots of connections as we learn and grow. As we reach adolescence, one of the many changes that happens (or so I've been led to believe) is that we start to lose those connections which we rarely, if ever, use. As we get older, it becomes harder for our brains to make new connections (but not impossible - it just takes longer than those golden days of our youth).

Perhaps the heart works the same way?
I'm an Optimistic Pessimist. I'm absolutely POSITIVE that it's all going to go horribly wrong...

Marge: I'm not afraid
Grampa: Then you're not paying close enough attention
(from episode entitled 'Strong Arms of the Ma')
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