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Looking for advice on this situation
#1
I made this post elsewhere and only got a few responses, so I'm looking to get other insights.

So here it goes...


My gf (18) and I (19) have been together for 8 months, and around 6 of which she has been living with her sister and up until recently her sisters ex, as she was kicked out of her foster home. For around the last 2-3 months, we have been living together in that house, up until two weeks ago.

The sister kicked me out 'because of whats going on right now with the virus', which was a cover-up as she wanted to spend time with her ex before he moved out (which she told my gf later). It was then dictated by the sister that I wouldn't be coming back until this is all over. My parents are separated, one has let us stay over (only whilst my younger sisters weren't there), and one flat out doesn't even allow her over.

The likelihood of me going to my gf's house decreases every day (they just lost a pet), to the point I feel its personal. My gf and I both feel as if its her sisters way, or the highway. No discussion can even begin over any point or rule she makes in the house, despite the fact that they both pay equal rent and bills. A clear example is when the sister told her I am not allowed over anymore. My gf began to cry, and walked off to her room. As she was doing this, her sister walked behind her and criticised her for crying, and continued to lecture her. This is all despite the Victorian Governments (I live in Australia) ruling that they will make an exemption to the social distancing rules so that partners who don't live together are allowed to go and see each other.

I'm not really looking to get name-called again. Last time I was referred to as being selfish, self-centred, arrogant, etc. but I was highly emotional, and I don't think I worded it very well, in a way people didn't clearly see what I was asking, and probably saw it as a rant.

I know that this isn't my fight; it should be left to my gf and her sister. But it affects me (I've been experiencing a lot more negative emotion than I would usually, and its not good, I only just started attending therapy with a psychologist to work through a number of things) and it affects our relationship (intimacy, face-to-face interactions, spending time together, missing milestones etc.). I need advice as to what to do? Do I try and talk to the sister? Leave it to my girlfriend, providing support to her throughout discussions with her sister? Just accept that that's the way its gonna be? I just need some help.

(I am obviously more than happy to go further in detail in the comments if readers require it to formulate a response)
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#2
Im sorry for the hard times you are having.
I think I would ask your gf what she wants you to do and what she needs. This is family business as im seing it, although it is affecting you too.
Just be there for your gf and offer support. <3
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#3
(04-13-2020, 06:58 AM)MissBehave Wrote: Im sorry for the hard times you are having.
I think I would ask your gf what she wants you to do and what she needs. This is family business as im seing it, although it is affecting you too.
Just be there for your gf and offer support. <3

Thankyou.

My gf is very hesitant to do anything just because it is family business (if it wasn't a family orientated situation, she would voice her concerns immediately), and she obviously knows her sister very well, and knows how she copes and deals with things. We were talking the other day, she said she'd talk to her sister, but she said she'd give it about a month or more (because of the loss of her sisters pet), and I'm just seeing my gf fall into worse and worse moods each day, and her becoming increasingly frustrated with her sister, which could lead to the deterioration of their relationship.
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#4
Wow! That's more drama then the soap operas. All that's missing is the mom sleeping with the Ex-BF too! My advice is to back away from the situation and just enjoy the time you can with your GF. You are young. Enjoy your youth. Keep things simple. It's not your fight. Either the situation will clear up, you and your GF will find other accommodations together, or you'll find a new GF with a lot less family members. Ha! ha!
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#5
(04-13-2020, 11:56 AM)Finished Wrote: Wow! That's more drama then the soap operas. All that's missing is the mom sleeping with the Ex-BF too! My advice is to back away from the situation and just enjoy the time you can with your GF. You are young. Enjoy your youth. Keep things simple. It's not your fight. Either the situation will clear up, you and your GF will find other accommodations together, or you'll find a new GF with a lot less family members. Ha! ha!

Before this situation blew up to where it is right now, I was suggesting finding other accommodation together, as I could see it turning sour, and things between the sister and ex weren't good (there was constant fighting and violence between the two, and I wanted to get her out of that situation), but as we are both very young, no rental history (real estate was aware she was at the house, just not on the lease), and I was living at my parents so I obviously have no rental history, so we wrote it off as we thought we wouldn't be accepted in getting a place (and the sister told us we wouldn't, which I think was a way for her to get her sister to stay and do everything). 

Now more than ever I want the situation to clear up, or for us to find a rental (she now has rental history as she is on the new lease). I've never met someone so sweet and kind and caring as her, and I love her to bits, so they are the only two options I'm looking at.
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#6
GF is not on the lease. Therefore, the home belongs to the sister and the sister makes the rules. Doesn't matter if GF pays rent and whatnot. Owner of the house/apartment makes the rules. You both should respect that.
Doesn't matter if it's fair, it's how things work. Welcome to the real world where you can't always get what you want.
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#7
(04-13-2020, 08:30 PM)TheRealCallie Wrote: GF is not on the lease.  Therefore, the home belongs to the sister and the sister makes the rules.  Doesn't matter if GF pays rent and whatnot.  Owner of the house/apartment makes the rules.  You both should respect that.  
Doesn't matter if it's fair, it's how things work. Welcome to the real world where you can't always get what you want.

My gf is actually on the lease contract now. Yes, over a month ago, my girlfriend was not on the lease, so what you are saying applied then. Still doesn't mean you treat your own sister like shit and make her do everything whilst you sit back and do nothing.

Now my gf is on the lease, rules should be made on common ground between the two, not being created by one person, who is displaying her emotions through the house rules.
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#8
Was there an issue with this before Coronavirus? From your other thread, it doesn't sound like it. If not, you just need to deal. The sister is likely having a hard time between the pandemic and her ex. It's not the end of the world. It's not like she's forcing you to break up. As for getting your own place, you didn't even try, as you said, so you don't know if you could have or not.
Besides, you should probably focus on getting yourself to a state that you can take care of yourself and pay bills and worry about the conceived injustice you think the sister is inflicting on you later. Sorry to be a bitch, but it's time to grow up and realize that you won't always get shit exactly the way you want it, exactly when you want it.
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#9
Personally, I would not get in the middle of an argument between your girlfriend and her sister. There is no way that ends well for you. Listen if she needs to vent, but stay the heck out of it otherwise.

If you both want to find a place to live together, it would help if either one of you had a full-time job. From your other thread, I gather this is not the case. A landlord can look past a lack of rental history... But they do need you to be able to pay the rent. Before you go trying to "save" your girlfriend from her sister, you might want to make sure you aren't going to end up using her yourself, (unintentionally of course) by going and getting a job.
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#10
(04-14-2020, 12:03 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: Was there an issue with this before Coronavirus? 

Yes there was. I didn't highlight it in my last thread, I just became extremely emotional, and just went on a rant (I apologise about that).

So to clarify, my girlfriend left her foster house (she was 18 at the time, so she was out of care anyway) over issues the guardians were accusing her of, which were fake, and to me it sounded like they had been trying to get rid of her for a while. She moved into her sisters house in mid to late September. I wasn't allowed over until December, which was also the first time I stayed there. Not long after I began spending time there, alarm bells began to ring in my head; the dynamic in that house did not work sadly. Most of the time the ex just kept to himself, which was obviously fine, it was a situation he didn't want to be in, but had to until he found other accommodation. Issues mainly centred from the sister. Getting to know her, she is a very nice person, but can be quite self-centred I guess, she seems to get her way all the time. This ranged from my gf to do stuff for her, as my gf knew it wouldn't be done unless she did it, to waltzing into my gf's room and taking, using, and sometimes breaking her stuff, just because it was there, and she didn't have it herself (she often did this when my gf is at work, taking clothes, shoes, underwear, makeup, toiletries, electronics etc.) One day we came back and she was even wearing one of my tops! Hypocrisy is also a large thing. She on a number of occasions has lectured my gf on her needing to become more independent, whilst she is really not, she heavily relies on others to do things for her, assist her financially, and this is all coming back to her now as she has lost her income, and is solely relying on others to assist her, including my gf, who will be covering a lot of expenses within the house whilst she waits to receive welfare support. And she often does a lot of things that she wouldn't let my gf do.

The reason I wanna try and sort this out is because I can see how it's negatively impacting on my girlfriend. She isn't happy right now. That's not how family is supposed to work. Families are supposed to love each other and care for each other, not leach of siblings so you don't have to provide as much financially or in effort. And yeah, you could say I'm being a little bitch, moaning cause I haven't got my own way, obviously I'm not gonna see it that way. I see that I'm just trying to help out my gf, as I don't want her living in a place that causes distress and unhappiness, where she isn't allowed to have a say in how things run, even though she should, losing the idea of what family is even more. I want her to be living in a happy and healthy environment, and if that's moving out, so be it.
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