Emotional Intimacy

Yeah.

I have touch deprivation. Sometimes .. well, often .. I crave physical contact with someone. Human touch. The feel of skin against skin. The lack of it is something quite palpable, a very tangible pain. 

But I also crave emotional intimacy and affection. It might not involve actual physical contact, but the lack of any emotionally intimate engagement and interaction hurts just as much as the absence of any touch. Just looking at photos, or watching videos, or reading about someone else’s intimate experiences or fantasies, just doesn’t cut it. That is not engaging with someone else. That is not interacting with someone else. 

(And no, paying someone is not affectionate or intimate) 

When I talk about being invisible, it isn’t just about being visually seen. It isn’t about being seen by someone’s eyes. It is also about being emotionally invisible. That nobody has ever looked at me with affection, and intimately, with their heart. 

Knowing that ... it is a different type of loneliness, that often feels like it is difficult to explain. To say it hurts, that it is painful, is an understatement, but it also often feels like a lot of people only associate those words with something like a physical wound, or a physical illness. It is kind of dismissed as an over-reaction. 

When I read about people recovering from bullying and abuse, most of the time there is also someone there in their story. Someone supportive, and loving. Someone who takes the time to see them, and who doesn’t run away because there is too much baggage or whatever. But, what if you don’t have that person? Or anyone, really, in your life at all. 

I guess that is why I thought the internet might be a better, or easier place for me to find someone. That maybe making an emotional connection would be easier for someone else to do with me, and maybe that would lead to something more. Maybe it wouldn’t. Affection and intimacy can start with words .... but they can’t always just stay as words alone. 

Maybe it was hope. I don’t know. Another lesson in how empty hope is, when there is nobody else who wants to try. How lonely hope can be ....

Just don’t show any emotion any more Cucu. Be a robot vegetable that only agrees with everything everyone else says. Seems to be the type of person most people want.

In his autobiography, rock musician Mark Everett says that having no-one intimate in his life leads to a strange feeling, like when he has to put an 'emergency contact' on a form, and has nobody to write. People drive us crazy, but we need them. We are dancing animals, as Kurt Vonnegut put it. 

Everybody leads a life of quiet desperation, hoping to make a connection, to be understood. It is very difficult. There is an excellent poem by Rabindranath Tragore, I don't know if it's a help or not, sorry, but it goes like this......

"In certain years in Calcutta, birds strange to the city used to come and build in our banyan tree. 
They would be off again almost before I had learnt to recognise the dance of their wings, but they brought with them a strangely lovely music from their distant jungle homes. 
So, in the course of our life’s journey, some angel from a strange and unexpected quarter may cross our path, speaking the language of our own soul and enlarging the boundaries of the heart’s possessions. 
She comes unbidden, and when at last we call for her she is no longer there, but as she goes, she leaves on the drab web of our lives a border of embroidered flowers and our night and day are forever enriched."

Nice, right? We are all seeking that, I think. 

vauxhallastra said:

In his autobiography, rock musician Mark Everett says that having no-one intimate in his life leads to a strange feeling, like when he has to put an 'emergency contact' on a form, and has nobody to write. People drive us crazy, but we need them. We are dancing animals, as Kurt Vonnegut put it. 

Everybody leads a life of quiet desperation, hoping to make a connection, to be understood. It is very difficult. There is an excellent poem by Rabindranath Tragore, I don't know if it's a help or not, sorry, but it goes like this......

"In certain years in Calcutta, birds strange to the city used to come and build in our banyan tree. 
They would be off again almost before I had learnt to recognise the dance of their wings, but they brought with them a strangely lovely music from their distant jungle homes. 
So, in the course of our life’s journey, some angel from a strange and unexpected quarter may cross our path, speaking the language of our own soul and enlarging the boundaries of the heart’s possessions. 
She comes unbidden, and when at last we call for her she is no longer there, but as she goes, she leaves on the drab web of our lives a border of embroidered flowers and our night and day are forever enriched."

Nice, right? We are all seeking that, I think. 

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Ohh wow.
That's a beautiful poem!
I love it

I guess from my PoV, from what I have observed and experienced, most people aren’t looking for a connection with anyone, because they already have it. And take it for granted. For most people it seems to be easy to find ... which is why to me, it feels like people say things like “it will happen one day when you least expect it”. Most people really don’t have nobody at all to talk with or see.

Cucuboth said:

I guess from my PoV, from what I have observed and experienced, most people aren’t looking for a connection with anyone, because they already have it. And take it for granted. For most people it seems to be easy to find ... which is why to me, it feels like people say things like “it will happen one day when you least expect it”. Most people really don’t have nobody at all to talk with or see.

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I do understand what you mean, and it can be infuriating for us to see those people who make connections so easily. There was a time in my life when I once went an entire year without speaking to anyone, except my landlady (twice), and I do mean, not a single word to another human being. I'm married now, and although I am having a lot of problems with my wife, I should be more appreciative of her companionship. Just having somebody there can make all the difference. 

I don't know why you're bringing out the quotes in me, but what you said made me think of The Smiths' song 'How Soon is Now' which is about the feeling you describe, particularly these lyrics.....

"I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar, 
I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does 

There's a club if you'd like to go, you could meet somebody who really loves you,
So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home and you cry and you want to die

When you say "it's going to happen now", when exactly do you mean? 
Because I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone." 

Everybody is looking for a connection, whether they know it or not. You have to reach out somehow - and I'm afraid that nobody should take my advice on reaching out, because I am the worst person in the world at it. Be the good person that you are.

vauxhallastra said:

Cucuboth said:

I guess from my PoV, from what I have observed and experienced, most people aren’t looking for a connection with anyone, because they already have it. And take it for granted. For most people it seems to be easy to find ... which is why to me, it feels like people say things like “it will happen one day when you least expect it”. Most people really don’t have nobody at all to talk with or see.

Click to expand...

I do understand what you mean, and it can be infuriating for us to see those people who make connections so easily. There was a time in my life when I once went an entire year without speaking to anyone, except my landlady (twice), and I do mean, not a single word to another human being. I'm married now, and although I am having a lot of problems with my wife, I should be more appreciative of her companionship. Just having somebody there can make all the difference. 

I don't know why you're bringing out the quotes in me, but what you said made me think of The Smiths' song 'How Soon is Now' which is about the feeling you describe, particularly these lyrics.....

"I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar, 
I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does 

There's a club if you'd like to go, you could meet somebody who really loves you,
So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home and you cry and you want to die

When you say "it's going to happen now", when exactly do you mean? 
Because I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone." 

Everybody is looking for a connection, whether they know it or not. You have to reach out somehow - and I'm afraid that nobody should take my advice on reaching out, because I am the worst person in the world at it. Be the good person that you are.

Click to expand...

I know that song yeah. So very true though. 

The thing with reaching out to someone is that, well, there needs to be someone there to reach out to. And I don’t just mean a doctor or therapist, someone who is just being paid to be there, or some support line. 

Have done the same as you, have gone for years without talking to anyone. The small talk when getting gas or groceries just isn’t enough to feel .. well, to feel human. It has never lead anywhere. 

Having someone there ... someone here ... would be ... well, nobody wants to be. There is nobody to call, or video chat with, or, well, anything at all.

Cucuboth said:

I know that song yeah. So very true though. 

The thing with reaching out to someone is that, well, there needs to be someone there to reach out to. And I don’t just mean a doctor or therapist, someone who is just being paid to be there, or some support line. 

Have done the same as you, have gone for years without talking to anyone. The small talk when getting gas or groceries just isn’t enough to feel .. well, to feel human. It has never lead anywhere. 

Having someone there ... someone here ... would be ... well, nobody wants to be. There is nobody to call, or video chat with, or, well, anything at all.

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Could I ask, do you live in a very rural area? Are there not many people around you? Have you tried joining a book group, or an evening class, or anything like that?

vauxhallastra said:

Cucuboth said:

I know that song yeah. So very true though. 

The thing with reaching out to someone is that, well, there needs to be someone there to reach out to. And I don’t just mean a doctor or therapist, someone who is just being paid to be there, or some support line. 

Have done the same as you, have gone for years without talking to anyone. The small talk when getting gas or groceries just isn’t enough to feel .. well, to feel human. It has never lead anywhere. 

Having someone there ... someone here ... would be ... well, nobody wants to be. There is nobody to call, or video chat with, or, well, anything at all.

Click to expand...

Could I ask, do you live in a very rural area? Are there not many people around you? Have you tried joining a book group, or an evening class, or anything like that?

Click to expand...

Sort of rural, coastal suburb yeah. Moving is not a financial option. Well, have money to move once, and that would be it, so, would need to be somewhere better than here, if it ended up being the same I would be stuck. Same goes for travel. 

Yep, have tried book groups. Around here they are all older senior citizens, and been around them enough to know there is no connection. And have done many, many classes over the years. And all classes are closed at the moment anyway. Have tried volunteering as well, and groups from meetup.com, but around here that is all senior citz and mothers groups.

Cucuboth said:

Sort of rural, coastal suburb yeah. Moving is not a financial option. Well, have money to move once, and that would be it, so, would need to be somewhere better than here, if it ended up being the same I would be stuck. Same goes for travel. 

Yep, have tried book groups. Around here they are all older senior citizens, and been around them enough to know there is no connection. And have done many, many classes over the years. And all classes are closed at the moment anyway. Have tried volunteering as well, and groups from meetup.com, but around here that is all senior citz and mothers groups.

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Well that's ok if there is no connection with senior citizens, because older people tend to have a lot of time so they will be happy to talk to you, and 'oh hey, you should meet my daughter/son'...................ya know? You can meet a ton of people that way, and do some good too, if the lady down the road needs help with her shopping, you can do that, and maybe you'll get to know her nurse, or something like that? 

How about work, do you meet anybody through work?

vauxhallastra said:

Cucuboth said:

Sort of rural, coastal suburb yeah. Moving is not a financial option. Well, have money to move once, and that would be it, so, would need to be somewhere better than here, if it ended up being the same I would be stuck. Same goes for travel. 

Yep, have tried book groups. Around here they are all older senior citizens, and been around them enough to know there is no connection. And have done many, many classes over the years. And all classes are closed at the moment anyway. Have tried volunteering as well, and groups from meetup.com, but around here that is all senior citz and mothers groups.

Click to expand...

Well that's ok if there is no connection with senior citizens, because older people tend to have a lot of time so they will be happy to talk to you, and 'oh hey, you should meet my daughter/son'...................ya know? You can meet a ton of people that way, and do some good too, if the lady down the road needs help with her shopping, you can do that, and maybe you'll get to know her nurse, or something like that? 

How about work, do you meet anybody through work?

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Ummm, did say there was no connection with older people. Have always been put with older people in groups, and that whole “you should meet my daughter/granddaughter” has never, ever happened. Same when I used to volunteer to visit people in nursing homes. Never met a nurse who wanted a conversation. I am tired of ending up around older people, and just want connections with someone around my own age for once. 

Nope. Work is not a friendly place. I only get spoken to if something goes wrong, and even then it will mostly be via text message or a post-it note. There is a lot of bullying there.