Hello everyone , warning if you read ahead , you wont believe the life/luck I'm having currently ... a brief overview of past and present. I'm writing this for two reasons , the first to empty my head, the second it's sometimes easier talking to strangers than anyone else. Anyway, let me begin,
I was fourteen , went to school on a rainy friday and returned by school bus to find out when I knocked on my home door as it was locked for some reason to be answered by some stranger .....it transpired my parents had moved house when I was at school and still till this day some 20 plus years later never seen them since.
Move on 3 years later , in my best friends car coming back from the coast to be hit by a drunk driver , both trapped which seemed like eternity , my best friend died that day beside me I survived ......I moved in with him since my ahem parents left.
Move on a few years later , meet a girl , fall in love, bought a house, , everything to me seemed great as everyone else around me did to. A saturday morning while making her breakfast in bed , a letter arrived addressed to both of us , I opened it up to read in shock from it was from a solicitor explaining taking her name of the mortgage to put solely in mine had started ???!!! Still taking the breakfast ( I know mad )upstairs handed it over, she smiled kissed me, told me how much she loved me etc and asked why I looked puzzled , I passed her the letter , her face changed, I didn't want to shout and scream I needed to cool down so I said I'd head into work early and we'd talk later...got downstairs the phone rang it was her mum , explained the situation to her , she said she'd head over and talk to her. She came into work had a coffee and asked me if it was okay to stay at her mums for the night for some space and to clear her head she said. I said that would be fine just text me when u get there so I know your safe.
Got home at 10pm opened the front door to find a complete ransacked house ...her mum did come round but not to talk but with a van and emptied and took everything and I mean everything we had! Complete mess I was.
Move forward again ....
After taking a few years off with everything trying to rebuild what little I had left , I met my soul mate , the movie kind of l o v e ( I dont say that word anymore) filled with magic sprinkles ,flying unicorns , smiles and giggles. After an amazing weekend away , I decided to take the plunge and buy THE ring and plan the question. Bought the ring tuesday of the week we came back , Wednesday morning recieved THAT txt ....its to much , it's to perfect , ur to good for me etc , I took the ring back thursday ....the same bloke who sold it to me said wrong size , I answered no wrong woman ! I wanted the ground to open up on me , that was 6 months ago. It's still so raw ....but it gets worse .....that's for later on.
My best girl friend I've ever had and known who was the one who got me through most things in life passed away to cancer 5 weeks ago. She was more like a sister to me , she was my everything, everything good in my life has gone. I couldn't visit her because of the Corona virus ...I havnt cried yet , I carnt, I'll explain .......two days later I recieved a call to let me know my 'bilogical' dad had passed away. He was still my dad even if I havnt seen him for years and years. I cannot mourn I dont want to disrespect my best friend with my 'dad's my head is spinning.
Now the kicker , my birthday last week , a friend called to see if I would be in , I was , I was expecting a crate of beer but when he came round he said he had something to tell me before I heard it off anyone else ...( he forgot it was my birthday ) he let me know he was seeing my ex , the girl I wanted to marry and make smile for the rest of our lives.
Inside I'm devastated, outside I put on a facade , I make people smile, giggle at work even just today, all my energy I have is used to put my face on when I walk through works door. I look around and see happy people ,work colleagues come to me for advice , i even helped one who confided to me she was self harming ,she thanked me the other day as shes in a better place now. I smiled replied that's my job. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Now alone at home , I sit here and my head just spins , I know theres people out there even worse than me but I know ..noone has ever l o v e d me for me , even my parents didnt so it must be me .....I just want my bestfriend to hold my hand and I'll know without speaking it will with her but I havnt.
Relationships are great together but they also cause the greatest pain to. Sorry for rambling and if you have read this far , I'm okay just , I dont drink or even take a paracetamol for a headache. I just want to be me again but when I am I loose everything to.
I was fourteen , went to school on a rainy friday and returned by school bus to find out when I knocked on my home door as it was locked for some reason to be answered by some stranger .....it transpired my parents had moved house when I was at school and still till this day some 20 plus years later never seen them since.
Move on 3 years later , in my best friends car coming back from the coast to be hit by a drunk driver , both trapped which seemed like eternity , my best friend died that day beside me I survived ......I moved in with him since my ahem parents left.
Move on a few years later , meet a girl , fall in love, bought a house, , everything to me seemed great as everyone else around me did to. A saturday morning while making her breakfast in bed , a letter arrived addressed to both of us , I opened it up to read in shock from it was from a solicitor explaining taking her name of the mortgage to put solely in mine had started ???!!! Still taking the breakfast ( I know mad )upstairs handed it over, she smiled kissed me, told me how much she loved me etc and asked why I looked puzzled , I passed her the letter , her face changed, I didn't want to shout and scream I needed to cool down so I said I'd head into work early and we'd talk later...got downstairs the phone rang it was her mum , explained the situation to her , she said she'd head over and talk to her. She came into work had a coffee and asked me if it was okay to stay at her mums for the night for some space and to clear her head she said. I said that would be fine just text me when u get there so I know your safe.
Got home at 10pm opened the front door to find a complete ransacked house ...her mum did come round but not to talk but with a van and emptied and took everything and I mean everything we had! Complete mess I was.
Move forward again ....
After taking a few years off with everything trying to rebuild what little I had left , I met my soul mate , the movie kind of l o v e ( I dont say that word anymore) filled with magic sprinkles ,flying unicorns , smiles and giggles. After an amazing weekend away , I decided to take the plunge and buy THE ring and plan the question. Bought the ring tuesday of the week we came back , Wednesday morning recieved THAT txt ....its to much , it's to perfect , ur to good for me etc , I took the ring back thursday ....the same bloke who sold it to me said wrong size , I answered no wrong woman ! I wanted the ground to open up on me , that was 6 months ago. It's still so raw ....but it gets worse .....that's for later on.
My best girl friend I've ever had and known who was the one who got me through most things in life passed away to cancer 5 weeks ago. She was more like a sister to me , she was my everything, everything good in my life has gone. I couldn't visit her because of the Corona virus ...I havnt cried yet , I carnt, I'll explain .......two days later I recieved a call to let me know my 'bilogical' dad had passed away. He was still my dad even if I havnt seen him for years and years. I cannot mourn I dont want to disrespect my best friend with my 'dad's my head is spinning.
Now the kicker , my birthday last week , a friend called to see if I would be in , I was , I was expecting a crate of beer but when he came round he said he had something to tell me before I heard it off anyone else ...( he forgot it was my birthday ) he let me know he was seeing my ex , the girl I wanted to marry and make smile for the rest of our lives.
Inside I'm devastated, outside I put on a facade , I make people smile, giggle at work even just today, all my energy I have is used to put my face on when I walk through works door. I look around and see happy people ,work colleagues come to me for advice , i even helped one who confided to me she was self harming ,she thanked me the other day as shes in a better place now. I smiled replied that's my job. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Now alone at home , I sit here and my head just spins , I know theres people out there even worse than me but I know ..noone has ever l o v e d me for me , even my parents didnt so it must be me .....I just want my bestfriend to hold my hand and I'll know without speaking it will with her but I havnt.
Relationships are great together but they also cause the greatest pain to. Sorry for rambling and if you have read this far , I'm okay just , I dont drink or even take a paracetamol for a headache. I just want to be me again but when I am I loose everything to.