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As far as I'm aware, no women have ever "liked" me romantically.
#1
I'm 33 this year and throughout my life I've received pretty much zero positive attention from girls/women whatsoever. They all just seem completely indifferent to me. In the past I've asked three girls out and all of them rejected me outright. I know some people will say I need to be doing something proactive to inspire attraction in women, but I've heard many stories of guys who've received attention/crushes from girls without even having to lift a finger in terms of initiating things. I've never heard of anyone having a crush on me, nobody has ever approached me at a bar/party/at work and nobody in adult or even teenage life has ever acted remotely interested in me in a romantic sense. What I want to know is, how common is this scenario for the average guy? Do most men REALLY have to initiate everything or is there usually some discernible interest from the woman to work with? Also, do any other guys here share my predicament? I'm 32 and have never had the opportunity to even go out on a date and I'm increasingly frustrated.

EDIT: Looks-wise I'm nothing special, but I wouldn't say I'm awful either. 5'10 in height, a bit overweight with a big nose, green-ish eyes and dark brown hair.

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#2
You really do have to be proactive as the guy. If you're a very good looking guy or if you have a big social circle, you might have girls initiate things for you. Otherwise, you have to take the responsibility.

I'd also say, that until you get more experience with women, you probably wouldn't pick up on the subtle signs even if a girl was interested in you. I look back now on moments when I was younger and a lot more inexperienced and now cringe at times when girls were obviously interested in me and I completely missed it.

Most likely there have been plenty of women attracted to you in the past but you never picked up on it.

What opportunities are you giving yourself to meet women? Are you using online dating, going out to bars, etc?
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#3
(06-20-2020, 02:25 AM)Forgottendanfan Wrote:  What I want to know is, how common is this scenario for the average guy? 

Maybe average looking guys get hints here and there, but generally it's up to you.  Sucks doesn't it, being expected to act on your desires, carry 100% of the initiation burden, risk being outright judged as a creep if you get it wrong, it isn't mutual. Fun. No wonder men withdraw emotionally.

The only interest I've had was from a drunk middle-aged alcoholic a couple of months back.

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#4
That's probably as much as I'm likely to get too.
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#5
It will become more common in the future
I'm actually David Blane.
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#6
Well, you have to look at the bright side of everything. 

My next door neighbor is lonely and in need for someone to listen to her. Every time I went outside to work on something she would come to the fence and start talking to me. Or rather at me. About all I could get in was okay, hmmm, yep, right. She would just keep talking and talking and talking...... I swear it sounded like a weed wacker on full blast. Ha! ha! It was very irritating because it was all one sided. I'd start to say something and she would just talk right over the top of me. It was going on for a few weeks. Then she said that I am so nice and so easy to talk to. I thought, hmmmmm, maybe she is interested in me. She's single and lives alone. She's more then a decade older then me. I'm not attracted to her. But, she is someone. She's human of the opposite sex. So, I said it was nice to talk to her too. Then I said I liked her.

That's all it took. Ha! ha!  Big Grin I haven't seen nor heard another word from her since. Ha! ha! So, being repulsive to women has it's advantages. You can easily stop women from using you as a lopsided friend sponge. Just tell them you like them or are interested in them. They'll disappear very quickly. Then things can go back to being isolated and quite.


See, it's not so bad not being tall, dark, and handsome. Ha! ha!


Oh yeah, I should include the fantastic advice that I continually here and read about. All you have to do is be yourself, change a couple things, and you'll start getting all kinds of girlfriends. You're just not putting in enough effort. Ha! Ha!
[Image: ?u=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia...f=1&nofb=1]
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#7
"So, being repulsive to women has it's advantages". Well, I don't feel that women repulsed by me. More indifferent, it seems.
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#8
(06-20-2020, 02:25 AM)Forgottendanfan Wrote: I'm 33 this year and throughout my life I've received pretty much zero positive attention from girls/women whatsoever. They all just seem completely indifferent to me. In the past I've asked three girls out and all of them rejected me outright. I know some people will say I need to be doing something proactive to inspire attraction in women, but I've heard many stories of guys who've received attention/crushes from girls without even having to lift a finger in terms of initiating things. I've never heard of anyone having a crush on me, nobody has ever approached me at a bar/party/at work and nobody in adult or even teenage life has ever acted remotely interested in me in a romantic sense. What I want to know is, how common is this scenario for the average guy? Do most men REALLY have to initiate everything or is there usually some discernible interest from the woman to work with? Also, do any other guys here share my predicament? I'm 32 and have never had the opportunity to even go out on a date and I'm increasingly frustrated.

EDIT: Looks-wise I'm nothing special, but I wouldn't say I'm awful either. 5'10 in height, a bit overweight with a big nose, green-ish eyes and dark brown hair.

I'm about your age.  My story is pretty similar.

I think it goes back to me not being "cool"/popular/socially elite growing up, because I didn't think I had the right traits, abilities, interests, personality, and beliefs/worldview to play the social pecking order game.  Or at least I didn't think I did so I didn't try.  I don't know if it was an actual lack of ability, or I just believed in it so strongly that I acted like it.  Plus it looked cold, dark and nasty, didn't look fun or happy, I didn't have the drive to be that kind of person and I didn't like them anyway.  I thought they were wrong, thought they were "sore winners" that only had what they had because of dumb luck, and that social competition was immature, cruel, regressive, and also optional. So I opted out, did my own thing, retreated from the real world into my own world. 

I never learned how to be impressive or competitive because I didn't need to impress or compete against myself, didn't need it at home, and didn't need it with my friends.   I just liked things, I wasn't into competing or risk taking.  Plus I wasn't taught that things like strength, money, or even charisma or skill were the end-all, be-all.  You might be better than someone at something, but it doesn't mean you are better than the person absolutely.  I guess I was taught that being friendly and getting along is what counts, treating others how you want to be treated yourself.  Now I feel like the joke's on me.

As an outcast, I never learned to think of life and interactions in terms of value exchanges and having to prove my worth to others.  I just ignored that world that I thought was morally wrong and shallow, didn't care or even think about creating value for others, and just did what I wanted, liked what I liked and thought I was doing the right thing because I was "just being myself" and "not changing to fit in or be cool" and that "the right person would like me for me".  But that never happened.  Just being myself and liking what I liked didn't impress anyone, didn't make me seem strong, prestigious, competent, and entertaining, didn't make me seem mysterious, wild, and exotic, and made me out of touch with my peers, so I wasn't attractive. I probably seemed soft, weak, not into anything in the real world and therefore childish, but I felt, my interests are my interests and I am how I am, what can I do. And besides it's a free country, isn't it?   It seems like guys who can project strength, boldness, and power don't have this issue with attraction and being "good enough". That seems to be a big part of what being "cool" is. But I never felt like I had any strengths to brag about.

Even now I'm confused, because thoughts, ideas, ways of talking and presenting myself, ways of being fun and interesting and exciting that a "cool" "with it" person would just know, I would never be able to think of.  It's like explaining a color to someone who's never seen it.  I just don't know how to develop an interesting and exciting enough character to others, what I could come up with that would be good enough for them to feel like I'm an asset.  Like even if I had to plan a date right now today, I don't know what I'd do.  I'd want them to show me something from their world, cause I've sat out of the world for a while. 

Overall I've had about 3 times spread out over my life that women have shown sort-of interest in me, but at least two of them had been in a relationship that ended fairly recently before meeting me, so I don't know if they really liked me or if I would have just been the rebound guy.  I didn't feel like any of them could give me the experience I was looking for anyway, or that we even had that much in common.  

At this point, I really don't know where to go from here.  Like you were saying, I can accept that I have to be proactive in order to be attractive, cause while I don't think I'm ugly, I'm not going to make it on looks alone.  But what should I even do to be proactive?  How?  I don't know. I wish there was something more concrete and sure that I could work on, instead of "hope I find the right topics, interests, ideas, skills and activities and hope someone cares".

It's not that I'm afraid to do the work. It's that I don't even know what that work is, I don't know what direction to work in. What I am afraid of, is spending the rest of my life trying things, changing my style, interests, hobbies, the way I talk, anything in a vain attempt to be attractive, only to find nothing I do makes any difference, and women still stay indifferent to me or see me as boring/awkward/needy/clingy/desperate/a loser, no matter what topics I learn about or hobbies I try to learn, because I don't have that "cool" attitude.

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#9
Can't make a walnut tree produce oranges. *shrug*. Maybe some day, some one will want my nuts. LOL!!!!

If you want to feel better about being single and alone; you could do a youtube search for stories of men who have dated women with Border-line Personality Disorder. Seems to me it's on par with being psychologically tortured. Though, I'm sure none of that will help assuage the deep seated need for intimate emotional connection that both men and women have...

Society, as it is, right now, doesn't really give us a way to do this. Society basically either wants you dead, or in absolute service to it. It doesn't care what your needs are, or how you feel. If it did, they'd let you do drugs to ease the pain of your existence and they'd let you pay for companionship. The most successful relationships are built on monetary agreements. A high earning male with a female who likes to spend the money. These people get along, so long as they play by the rules of their roles. The male expects affection for his affection. And the female expects affection for her affection. And when two people can agree on that agreement and not break the contract, it's what you call a, 'happy marriage.' Marriage is a contract. It's history dates back to a time where women were of value to the family they were born into, precisely because of the dowry the family could get for their arrangement into a marriage. And in all honesty, I see no problem with arrangements like these, when they are mutually beneficial. I feel like a lot of lonely men AND women could benefit greatly from an arranged marriage (by some one who is SKILLED in doing so, not some fucking company who's interest is profit. A matchmaker should get paid for her services; but, that's a necessary side effect.). Imagine be matched with some one who is in the, 'ballpark,' of your physical appetite and also in the, 'ballpark,' of your mental and social temperment. That'd be fucking awesome! lol. Get a few dogs at that point and enjoy the game!

The problem we suffer from these days, is we want love. We want that, 'soul mate.' That some one who will complete us, or join us on our journey through life. That's hard. I do believe it happens; very, very rarely; and, even then, I'm sure it has it's challenges like all things. We also, or at least for me, don't know WHAT THE FUCK WE WANT! If two people who are very well matched, live next door to eachother; but, have no idea what they are looking for, and don't even know how to invite the other on a date, much less realize they need to be living together and watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer together, cuz they both love cheesy 90's culture; they are fucked.

I guess my problem is, maybe, I'm too much of a goody two-shoes. I'm so convinced of my, 'goodness,' or, 'wanting to be good,' that I probably miss out on opportunities. Not that I think I need to be diabolical to achieve what I'm missing out in life. But, more so, that, I've never really learned how to tell a, 'good lie.' The kind of lie that can change some one's life for the better, and set them off in the right direction, without really, 'misleading,' them. Maybe I'm talking beyond my scope of experience, wisdom, or understanding; but, I guess I'm kind of soft. I don't think I used to be so soft. I used to be quite fearless and even fearsome at times.

However, going back to the previous paragraph's theme; I will elaborate. I paid a therapist for a few sessions a few years back. He ticked a lot of the right boxes as far as compatibility goes. We both seemed to have a profound understanding of certain things, albeit perhaps having gotten there and viewing that understanding a bit differently. However, it was clear to me that, he had arrived at much the same place, at some point, that I had arrived. Yet, I thought to myself, "Why does he get to have a 100$ an hour job, a wife, and kids," and I get to have heaps of suffering and live at home in my mid 30's? He was raised Mormon; but, at some point left that line of reasoning for things more like Buddhism, eastern thought, and non-theism. I had done the same thing, in my own way. I don't remember the question I asked him; but, the answer was that: he didn't tell his parents about leaving the Mormon faith. lol.

BASIC, SIMPLE, SHIT! If your parents aren't religiously tolerant, DON'T TELL THEM YOU'VE CHANGED FAITH! Or at the least, wait for it to slip out, once you are on your own and they can't control your life.

But me and this man had different life circumstances. What can be said about that? I was crippled in a way from the age of 12, so, I probably didn't stand a huge chance of escaping that. Maybe I did have an out, a few years later, and blew it, with my own mistakes; but, either way, every horse race has to have a winner. And fuck, horse races are fucking fun! Never had a winning worse; but, damn, what a good time. Beer, if that's your thing. The element of uncertainty. Some risk, in more ways than one. Out doors. Fresh air. Horses! I mean, that's it.

But, I think, certain recipes, in life, like going to the races; need ingredients. You can go by yourself; but, if your lonely and depressed and shy, you'll probably just feel out of place. And, perhaps even worse, if you are comfortable going to the races by yourself, maybe you've got a gambling problem that's about to put you on the streets. But, with the right ingredients, the risks pay off, and in general, whether you win or lose, you get to have a good time...

As for me, I don't think I've the ingredients for anything more than sitting at home, wishing things were different. Instead of the fish owner, I'm the fish in the tank. But, nothing lasts forever... If my special some one was right in front of me, even on a daily basis, I'd probably be much too afraid to approach her. She would seem like a god, towering above me. She'd want to do things. She'd want to experience the world. And I'd be much too afraid of those things, much less, initiating the conversations necessary to start adventures.

I didn't used to have so many of the problems I've acquired recently. I don't like it.

Also, Bender22, I would wager, has some good points to make, and probably even advice to give (probably more so than my credit gives). As for me, I'm not really interested in, 'self-improvement.' I want the money; but don't want to put in the work to get it, or am convinced, rightly or wrongly, that the only way to get it, would go against my values. I do play the lotto here and there though, fortunately not as much anymore. Some guys are born into situations and born with natural talent to be skilled in the art of socializing and interacting with women. You do need practice. In your defense, though, I will say, society is against you on this one, and limits your access to practice with women; but, unfortunately, griping about the unfairnesses of life, is probably the least effective way at righting them, or getting the edge on them. I will say this, though; and, perhaps I'm wrong; but, some times, finding that, 'thing,' you are looking for, that connection, turns out to be the EASIEST thing you NEVER would have imagined. Like finding out the best chinese restuarant was literally two blocks away from you, and you just never knew it was there. The crap part about that is, you can't know what you don't know. The good part? Is, I think there is hope there.

Is it not a nice thought that the woman of your dreams, is some one you see at least once a week? You run into her quite often? She has noticed you before? OR She would notice you, if only you did something like change your attire up a bit, or, change your routine a bit? Or perhaps even, just have a happy accident that causes you both to be forced into a happy confrontation? When some one wants to tango, it's good to know how to dance up front!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle.
Namu Amida Butsu.

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#10
(06-27-2020, 01:56 PM)TropicalStarfish Wrote: Can't make a walnut tree produce oranges. *shrug*. Maybe some day, some one will want my nuts. LOL!!!!

This is beautiful. ❤
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