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The Glare of the Laptop.
#1
I'm sitting in the living room in the darkness(21.50 BST), staring at the glare of my open laptop.

I've done nothing today.    

My house is a mess.   I am very much alone.  Part of me thinks deservedly so.   I am socially awkward and painfully aware of my own inadequacies.  I am overweight.  No fat.   I am out of shape.   I do not want to speak to family.  That would be admitting my failure.  Nobody wants to admit that they have failed at life.   Doing so is something I am doing now.   

I am not living, but surviving.

Surviving.

Being painfully aware of my own deficiencies is an odd thing but it is something that is true.   Writing normally is an escapist pursuit for me.   Tonight I cannot get the thought of nothingness out of my mind.

That is the worst thing about loneliness, the unrelenting time to think.   To think of yourself gives you a chance to assess yourself and what I see is ugly in spirit and soul.

This is not to say that I don't want to change, but how do you change the habits of a lifetime overnight?   

I have tried CBT on myself but it is not lasting.

The fear is that this cannot be changed,

Did I mention that in typing this, I am also expressing an inner narcissist?  Ha.

I will feel better tomorrow.  That is for certain.  

Today I feel worthless though.  I have no specific reason, no rationale.  

Thank you for the admin of this forum for allowing me to vent.
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#2
Point one: You haven't failed at life because you are still alive. Corny but....where there's life there's hope.
Point two: You can change, as can we all; that's what makes humans successful- the ability to change and adapt. How? One-small piece-at-a-time. Boring as it sounds- it actually works.
Point three: 'What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger'. I don't know who said it but never a truer word was spoken.
Point four: without the bad times we cannot appreciate the good ones.
Point five: When you're at the bottom there is only one way to go.

This isn't meant to be condescending. I've been where you are. I'm getting back up off the floor. It can be done. Wink
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#3
I think a lot people probably feel this way at some point in their lives. Headbolt shared some really good advice, I wish I could... But I still struggle with this myself. I don't have any answers for you. I just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling this way, and I hope that helps a little.
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#4
I don't think you failed. You seem as an intelligent individual who understand its own pros and cons, and the awareness is a half of the solution. Yes, you feel down for some reason and that is maybe the reason you currently feel less motivated to work harder. But still, you don't need to be so hard on yourself. Take yourself some time and try to find the reasons you feel that way. Personally, when I'm down, I don't want to speak with my family as well but taking long walks on deserted roads with no people and music in my ears really helps me to clear my mind. And it helps to lose weight too Smile
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#5
Once upon a time, I could have written this. Hell, I probably did at some point on this very forum.

Changing yourself is hard, will likely be one of the hardest things you do. But, where is life taking you now? What is life going to do for you if you don't change? If you don't try. And I get the fear, I was terrified when I was in your place. You just have to do it anyway, because even if it doesn't change (which it will), at least you can say you gave it your all and didn't give up.

You say you tried CBT on yourself....sometimes, you can't give yourself the therapy, you need a sounding board, someone to bounce ideas off of that know about it and how it works. Someone to give you advice and thoughts outside your own perspective because it can be very hard to get out of your own head and give good advice to yourself when you are in the mental state you are in.

I found that it's best to stay busy. If you're busy, you don't have time to think. It helps. Doesn't really matter what you stay busy with, just stay busy. Cleaning, cooking, exercising, playing video games (though don't get locked down in this one, it could also make it worse), volunteer somewhere. Helping others is a great way to help yourself because you gives you a sense of purpose, gives you a reason to get up, gives you confidence in yourself.

You can't change anything overnight, but keep going and you'll get it. It's possible and worth it.
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#6
Keeping busy doing things can keep you from thinking about your current situation. I have tons of hobbies. So, I'm always busy. I have lists of things waiting to be accomplished. Try to figure out something to do. Maybe write a book or write your thoughts down in a journal. You can even try to write down goals for yourself. I would suggest starting with really easy ones that you can accomplish. Then cross them out as you accomplish them. Then you need to reward yourself. It's easy to punish yourself. Stop doing that. Instead reward yourself for the good things you do.
 
You can also fool your mind into feeling better by smiling and laughing on purpose without any reason for doing so. I know it's easier to just sit and sulk. You have to force yourself out of the situation though. It becomes easier over time. Our brains react by releasing happy chemicals to match our physical movements. It really works.

Also, you can do exercise bordering on excess to the point where you start feeling sickly and beyond. Everybody says exercise is good and it is. But, to gain the benefit on knocking the hell out of the lonely bad feelings you have to over come them with something else. Physically stressing your body also works.

Alas, there are other ways. I used to cause myself physical pain to overwhelm the emotional pain. It does work. If you do choose that route do so on a temporary basis. Also make sure not to leave permanent marks. Cutting is not good. Hidden deep bruises work the best. They are longer lasting and heal without leaving any history behind. You just have to be careful it doesn't become a habit. It usually doesn't because it's not very pleasant. It also has the side benefit of raising your pain threshold.

IMO, stay the hell away from all drugs both prescribed and illegal. They usually work at the beginning. But they are way to addicting. I had a sort of friend that went that route under a doctor's care. After a couple years he continually said he has to have them to feel normal. If anything went wrong he would turn to them first. He was addicted. After a decade the drugs turned him into a completely different person. His condition wasn't cured or even helped. He also became easily overwhelmed, very stressed, and had lots of panic attacks. He went from being very intelligent with a fantastic memory and a great debater with a wide range of knowledge to an angry close minded dumb ass with a bad memory.

But, I think you just came here to vent, which is what most people do.
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#7
I am feeling a bit better today. Thank you to everyone for the replies.

I did just want to vent, better with strangers than to self I suppose. As it goes, been following advice. Gutting flat today.
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#8
I have days like this, sometimes weeks.

Give yourself that, be kind to yourself. And celebrate when you do something to get out of that rut, you deserve it.
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#9
That's everyday of my life even though I work and talk to coworkers. And some people online. But ultimately I'm still alone by myself much of the time most of my life. Introspection of the introvert is the daily theme. Seeing extroverts shit themselves with this isolation of covid is amusing. Introverts handle with ease. At least you're self aware and understand it. Take solace in emotional intelligence.
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