So sick and tired.

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Forgottendanfan

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
3,895
Reaction score
1,125
Location
U.K.
I'm racing towards middle age and getting absolutely nowhere. I hate the fact I'm still single, unemployed, romantically inexperienced and essentially stuck in a black tunnel with no sign of any light at the end of it. I try and make connections with people but nothing ever works. There must be some fundamental rule of life that nobody explained to me, because others seem to find connecting to people so easy and I just keep hitting brick walls every time I try.
 
Well, the family unit has been breaking apart for quite some time. People don't NEED to be married any more. So, they look for other facade qualities like appearances. If you are lacking those then good luck.

Here's the rule: You must be a good communicator now.

You need to socialize, network, be friendly, etc, etc, etc. People hire their friends not people based on skills, well at least here in the US.

If you are not good at social interactions, like many of the people on this site including me, then you are screwed like many of us and need to wait until you can shift to a different dimension where things make more sense.
 
Forgottendanfan said:
I'm racing towards middle age and getting absolutely nowhere. I hate the fact I'm still single, unemployed, romantically inexperienced and essentially stuck in a black tunnel with no sign of any light at the end of it. I try and make connections with people but nothing ever works. There must be some fundamental rule of life that nobody explained to me, because others seem to find connecting to people so easy and I just keep hitting brick walls every time I try.

The rule of life is 'Don't Give Up' mate.Join associations where women hang out like learn to dance or join a debating society.These things don't cost much and if you join a club that interests you there's a good chance you might meet likeminded people.If you were a boozer like me Alcoholics anonymous is great,there members positively encourage you to meet for coffee afterwards.Even anxiety groups just some kind of association that is for you.
 
Just Games said:
Forgottendanfan said:
I'm racing towards middle age and getting absolutely nowhere. I hate the fact I'm still single, unemployed, romantically inexperienced and essentially stuck in a black tunnel with no sign of any light at the end of it. I try and make connections with people but nothing ever works. There must be some fundamental rule of life that nobody explained to me, because others seem to find connecting to people so easy and I just keep hitting brick walls every time I try.

The rule of life is 'Don't Give Up' mate.Join associations where women hang out like learn to dance or join a debating society.These things don't cost much and if you join a club that interests you there's a good chance you might meet likeminded people.If you were a boozer like me Alcoholics anonymous is great,there members positively encourage you to meet for coffee afterwards.Even anxiety groups just some kind of association that is for you.

I agree with this.  But on the other side of things, if you have a loved one who is an alcoholic, you could also try Alanon.  There are so many groups both online and off for things like that and more.  Anything you can think of, really.  I met some very dear friends through online chat rooms, both here and other places.   Volunteering is also a good way to meet people and make yourself feel good about what you are doing, while helping others.  There are so many people in need right now, there must be something in your area to do.


Finished said:
If you are not good at social interactions, like many of the people on this site including me, then you are screwed like many of us and need to wait until you can shift to a different dimension where things make more sense.

I think the fact that you think you are screwed is more a deterrent on succeeding than anything else. 
How on earth do you expect to get anywhere good when you basically think you've failed before you even start?
 
I think the fact that you think you are screwed is more a deterrent on succeeding than anything else. 
How on earth do you expect to get anywhere good when you basically think you've failed before you even start?

That's true. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Shrinks love to say stuff like that. Good catch.

The better advice is to give this person all kinds of meaningless suggestions that don't work. That way he can feel like a bigger failure when our great suggestions don't work for him. I'm sure he's never tried any of them. Lets even tell him that he is in control of his life. If he wants XXXXX then all he has to do is XXXXX. People say that all the time. He already seems to know that the system doesn't work for him. But, it can't be the system. It must be him. It's all his fault. Yeah, that's it.

Or maybe, accept how things really are and try to work within those bounds. Don't just continue running into the brick walls. Figure out what areas you can excel in and go in those directions.

After I stick my hand in the fire several times and it gets burned I stop sticking my hand in the fire. I don't think I just need to keep trying harder and maybe my hand won't get burned again. But, I do try harder then most. So, my hand has many burn scars on it.
 
Finished said:
I think the fact that you think you are screwed is more a deterrent on succeeding than anything else. 
How on earth do you expect to get anywhere good when you basically think you've failed before you even start?

That's true. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Shrinks love to say stuff like that. Good catch.

The better advice is to give this person all kinds of meaningless suggestions that don't work. That way he can feel like a bigger failure when our great suggestions don't work for him. I'm sure he's never tried any of them. Lets even tell him that he is in control of his life. If he wants XXXXX then all he has to do is XXXXX. People say that all the time. He already seems to know that the system doesn't work for him. But, it can't be the system. It must be him. It's all his fault. Yeah, that's it.

Or maybe, accept how things really are and try to work within those bounds. Don't just continue running into the brick walls. Figure out what areas you can excel in and go in those directions.

After I stick my hand in the fire several times and it gets burned I stop sticking my hand in the fire. I don't think I just need to keep trying harder and maybe my hand won't get burned again. But, I do try harder then most. So, my hand has many burn scars on it.

Meaningless suggestions?  No, they aren't.  They are suggestions.  You are the one who decides whether or not to try them.  You are the one who decides how much effort you put into the suggestions if you do decide to try them. 

And doesn't the same thing work with your hand/fire example is this situation?  You did it several times, so you learned what NOT to do.  You learned to do something different.  How do you expect to get anywhere if you don't try different things that may not have occurred to you or that you passed off as pointless? 
People here are offering suggestions that have likely either worked for them personally or someone close to them.  By getting as many options as possible, it gives you more of a chance of finding something that works for you. 
It's not always about trying HARDER.  Sometimes it's about trying something DIFFERENT.

But yeah, just give up, then you know that you didn't stick it out to get what you want out of life and you can be bitter and negative until your dying days.  Seems like a MUCH better option :rolleyes:
 
TheRealCallie said:
Meaningless suggestions?  No, they aren't.  They are suggestions.  You are the one who decides whether or not to try them.  You are the one who decides how much effort you put into the suggestions if you do decide to try them.

Great! Lets hear some new suggestions other then the normal obvious ones that are tossed about. Obvious suggestions are meaningless. It's like saying just make friends with people and you will have friends.

And doesn't the same thing work with your hand/fire example is this situation?  You did it several times, so you learned what NOT to do. You learned to do something different.  How do you expect to get anywhere if you don't try different things that may not have occurred to you or that you passed off as pointless? 

Not really. After burning my hand several times I gave up on that situation. I didn't switch hands or start sticking my feet into the fire as a feeble attempt to try new ways. Sometimes it's best to admit defeat and move on to something else entirely.

People here are offering suggestions that have likely either worked for them personally or someone close to them. By getting as many options as possible, it gives you more of a chance of finding something that works for you.

Or, they are just regurgitated suggestions from somewhere else without any idea of their successes.

It's not always about trying HARDER.  Sometimes it's about trying something DIFFERENT.

That's true. I just keep reading in different places about how various groups of people aren't trying hard enough and that's why they aren't successful at what they are doing. I.E. "Just keep at it and eventually you'll get it." No, after awhile you stop trying and move on to something else. Many times things can not be accomplished because the rules are out of your hands. It's not a matter of switching a round a few aspects.

But yeah, just give up, then you know that you didn't stick it out to get what you want out of life and you can be bitter and negative until your dying days.  Seems like a MUCH better option :rolleyes:

Sometimes, it is better to give up and move on to something else. Most people can only bang their head against the wall for so long.
 
Finished said:
TheRealCallie said:
Meaningless suggestions?  No, they aren't.  They are suggestions.  You are the one who decides whether or not to try them.  You are the one who decides how much effort you put into the suggestions if you do decide to try them.

Great! Lets hear some new suggestions other then the normal obvious ones that are tossed about. Obvious suggestions are meaningless. It's like saying just make friends with people and you will have friends.

And doesn't the same thing work with your hand/fire example is this situation?  You did it several times, so you learned what NOT to do. You learned to do something different.  How do you expect to get anywhere if you don't try different things that may not have occurred to you or that you passed off as pointless? 

Not really. After burning my hand several times I gave up on that situation. I didn't switch hands or start sticking my feet into the fire as a feeble attempt to try new ways. Sometimes it's best to admit defeat and move on to something else entirely.

People here are offering suggestions that have likely either worked for them personally or someone close to them. By getting as many options as possible, it gives you more of a chance of finding something that works for you.

Or, they are just regurgitated suggestions from somewhere else without any idea of their successes.

It's not always about trying HARDER.  Sometimes it's about trying something DIFFERENT.

That's true. I just keep reading in different places about how various groups of people aren't trying hard enough and that's why they aren't successful at what they are doing. I.E. "Just keep at it and eventually you'll get it." No, after awhile you stop trying and move on to something else. Many times things can not be accomplished because the rules are out of your hands. It's not a matter of switching a round a few aspects.

But yeah, just give up, then you know that you didn't stick it out to get what you want out of life and you can be bitter and negative until your dying days.  Seems like a MUCH better option :rolleyes:

Sometimes, it is better to give up and move on to something else. Most people can only bang their head against the wall for so long.

It is true what many has mentioned. Based on whether or not you conform to your society's standards of beauty you will have low or high amounts of luck. But one must understand another thing. People's perceptions of you are heavily defined by the society they grew up in. If you have only looked for people in that particular society then perhaps it is a sign that you must look in another type of society where people's beliefs, thoughts and experiences differ to the one you are tying in. I am going to assume you are looking for the people in your country only which makes sense for a lot of people. But then if it is not working out for you, then it may be an alternative option to look outside. Yes of course it's such a bother moving to another society where people have different perceptions of reality but then again how much do you want human connection. How willing  are you to strive for that? If you wish to give up then you have lost far more than if you kept trying and never succeeded in my opinion.
 
VinityValswon said:
It is true what many has mentioned. Based on whether or not you conform to your society's standards of beauty you will have low or high amounts of luck. But one must understand another thing. People's perceptions of you are heavily defined by the society they grew up in. If you have only looked for people in that particular society then perhaps it is a sign that you must look in another type of society where people's beliefs, thoughts and experiences differ to the one you are tying in. I am going to assume you are looking for the people in your country only which makes sense for a lot of people. But then if it is not working out for you, then it may be an alternative option to look outside. Yes of course it's such a bother moving to another society where people have different perceptions of reality but then again how much do you want human connection. How willing  are you to strive for that? If you wish to give up then you have lost far more than if you kept trying and never succeeded in my opinion.
Did you migrate and have better chances with relating to people in a foreign country? I imagine it would put even more barriers in the way and make social interaction harder if you don't even speak the same language as the people around you. 
Plus you'll just take your lack of social skills with you, imo. Of course people might see a foreigner's odd behaviour as a cultural thing and not immediately as innate social skills difficulties. So they might be more forgiving but will they really connect...? I doubt it. 

I disagree with "giving up" is worse than perpetually trying in vain.
I can try to fit a square into a circle my whole life. But that means being in discomfort when I appear to fit in and being in discomfort when I don't fit it. Or I can accept that I don't fit in, thereby removing that pain little by little, and just focus on all the amazing things that a square can do with her life.  Once you accept it and let go of comparing yourself, let go of any expectations you had and let go of feeling pity for yourself you gain incredible freedom. A nuclear family and monogamous relationship is not essential. Those things aren't even natural behaviour. Most of us grew up in a nuclear family right? Don't you remember how miserable your parents were with their meaningless lifestyle? And once they divorce it was in vain anyway to have put up with that honeysuckle.

Of course it depends on how honest you can be with yourself when it comes to assessing your chances of finding someone compatible. In my case, I've been a loner since kindergarten, always shy, didnt talk, didn't have friends. So I can trace it back to my first social interactions which means I am alone because I got a crappy brain wiring that makes me unsociable. That's the cards I've been dealt in life, but I have to make the most of my life and focus on the good things I can make of it. I wouldn't want to feel shitty every day by bringing to mind some things I am supposedly lacking and should not stop longing for. There's nothing strong about torturing your mind by never giving up- it's just silly and will make you feel bad. Just live in the moment and put your focus on the things you can have.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top