how long is too long to wait for someone?

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Azariah

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I've liked the same person since high-school, the year 2007. 13 years. Im 30 years old now and have not liked anyone else. I've written scores of poems for her and probably thought about her everyday day for 13 years. I still dream of at least seeing her in the flesh. I don't necessarily want a relationship with her especially if she doesn't want a relationship with me. I want what's best for her even if it means she'll be happier with another man. She's never said a word to me. I sent her some messages but no reply. 

What do you think of this?

If i can't be with her I am perfectly fine dying single.
 
It's a nice fantasy that you created. She just happens to be the character in it. I'm sure she is nothing like the person you've created her to be. It's probably better that you never see her again. Reality will kill your fantasy of her. She probably thinks you are creepy for sending the messages too. Those are best never sent.

Fantasies are great though. I have some too. But, just be aware that they are fantasies. My main fantasy from high school ran with the popular crowd and I was insignificant to her. She was rude to me. She ended up becoming severely disabled shortly after high school but I only found out about five years ago. 

Sometimes I think, hmmmm, karma? She deserved it. Then I think, nah. honeysuckle just happens. I try to ignore it all and hold on to the fantasy instead.

It's probably better for you to realize nothing will happen with her and move on. In your thirties you still have a chance to hook up with someone. In your 40s it's very difficult unless you have looks, money, power, etc, etc, etc. After that forget it.

But, I quit the entire mating thing about a decade ago for a variety of reasons. Mainly it's simply not worth all the effort it takes only to wind up with a ****** bag. Or, maybe it's because nobody is interesting in me. Either way, it is what it is.
 
I'd say you are 10-12 years beyond the point where you should have stopped waiting. It's likely not going to happen. It sounds like you may be more obsessed with her than anything else.
I've seen that from others too and it could be part of the reason you haven't liked anyone else. You are so focused and obsessed on this one girl that you can't see anyone else.
 
Everyone I ever spoke to about this pretty much says the same thing that I should just give up. But that just makes me want to hope more. All I heard from her was silence. That does not mean rejection. If i hear the words sorry i am not interested from her or if I see her married to another man than that would be the day when I stop dreaming of her.
 
This is ******* delusional behaviour. Have some respect for yourself. This girl probably doesn't even know you exist let alone want to date you. You are acting like she is more valuable than you when she isn't.

And yes, silence is rejection. If a girl wants to be with you she'll respond, it is as simple as that.
 
Move on ...plenty of fish.I did, obsessed I was with my first who i thought was the most beautiful girlfriend and friend I had ever layed eyes on, then she dumped me.Saw her again 30 years later ,I just laughed to myself not even a flicker of desire left😀
 
Move on... an understatement. OP you have problems, you've wasted your 20s fantasizing about someone from your teens who couldn't care less (other than to wonder who sent those creepy messages). Get on with your life or you won't have one left.
 
You know there's nothing you guys can do to discourage me. Besides waiting for her keeps me single and living single now isn't so bad. And what is it like to move on anyways, how do you do that? I'll move on when I move on, if I move on. 

You can't force me to stop loving someone just as you can't force me TO love someone.
 
I don't think it looks good, if you both can't even have a conversation.  

But, I'm not going to tell you to do one thing or the other, since it's your life.  

I will say that I don't think the shaming approach is very good in situations like this, or in most situations period, because no one likes not having the power to get their way, and to accept that that's you - someone who doesn't have power, someone that gets kicked around by life. It's like telling someone to accept that they are a loser, one who loses, fails, isn't competent or powerful or lucky enough to impose their will on the world instead of the world imposing circumstances and limitations on you.  No one likes being made to feel like they just fundamentally aren't good enough for what they want and have no control over their life, and have to accept being predetermined and confined to the role of loser.

It also turns the topic into a tug of war, and not about the real issue.  It's kind of like...identity politics that go on right now.  People just want to be the side that wins, almost past the point of what the original conflict is about.  That's when it gets nasty, that's when the mudslinging starts.  The more the other side tells you to concede and accept defeat, the more you dig in and it just becomes about wanting to beat them instead of the original situation, and around and around you go.

From personal experience I'd say I hated being told to just give up.  That I wasn't good enough. That I had to "be realistic" and settle because I was mediocre, a loser, and that other guys were just better than me and I couldn't buck the social hierarchy, that I've wanted to ever since I was introduced to it in kindergarten.

But what I would also say is...take a step back from this situation and really look at it, from outside of it instead of still being inside it. If you only look at it from inside it, like you've been doing, you might not see the whole picture.  Don't talk to the person or write any poems about her or anything for a while, get out of just liking this person out of habit because she's who you've always liked.  And when you've detached for a while, come back and observe it more objectively.

One thing I noticed for me is that it's almost comforting to "like" someone, as a sort of placeholder. It's kind of nice to have someone to fantasize about, because at least it's someone instead of nothing. Sometimes it is real liking. But other times I think it's just a habit, or a story we get caught up in, where we tell ourselves we like the person because it fills the space and there is no one closer to someone we could really connect with.

Basically take some time off from "liking" her, then revisit the idea of this person after you've taken a break from being in continuous "liking", and see if you still actually like her or not. See if the "liking" comes to you naturally, if it even makes sense to like this person, or if you've been forcing it because you've told yourself a story about who this person is, and liking who you think they are, instead of who they really are.

Do you really like this person?  
Do you have things to talk about?  Common interests, goals, tastes and activities you like for fun, etc.? Are there experiences, activities, curiosity, and enthusiasm for anything you could really share?
Could this person learn anything from you? Could you learn anything from them?
What would you want to talk to her about, or ask her? What (non-sexual and non-romantic) activities would you like to do together?
Can you relate to them as a person? Can you relate to their experiences, their attitudes, etc.?  Do you share values, attitudes, beliefs, worldviews, life philosophy?  
Do you really like their character? Do you like their traits and characteristics?  Are they respectable?  Are they friendly and nice?  Do they make you feel warm, comfortable, at ease?
Or do you feel like you'd have to put a mask on for them and pretend to be somebody else?

If it is about looks, do you REALLY like their looks?  Are they REALLY the most attractive girl ever?

Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with them?  Would you really want them to be your "forever" person?

Or have you just been liking this person for so long that it's just become a story, you versus the situation instead of actually liking the person or anything about them, and you don't want to "lose", because losing is what losers do and you don't want to be someone who loses?

For that matter, you said you started liking her 13 years ago - is she the same person she was when you started liking her?
Are you?
Or have either one of you or both of you changed?




I was in a situation like that for a while - from about 2013 until, I don't really know when it ended (and once before that from 2006 to 2012 but it was a similar situation, so there's no need to tell the same story twice).  I deleted the girl off all my social media early this year, so I guess that made it official.  But I stopped caring or even really thinking about her all that much or feeling anything for her, a while before that.  I probably haven't honestly felt anything for her really since late 2015.  After that, I was just angry at my situation in general.

I initially stopped talking to her with the idea of not talking to her again until I could get my mind clear, learn more interesting things, accomplish something, be more confident and manly and make a better impression, and stop talking like a weak, boring loser, still intending to win her over.  But as I kept on not talking to her, not feeling ready, I just thought of her less and less.  I felt less and less for her.  I became busier with other things.  I just got into myself and trying to retrace my steps and figure out my own problems.  Time went by, but I didn't ever really feel an urge to talk to her.

Eventually, I saw her add a bunch of books to her to-read list on a book website we were "friends" on.  I realized that I didn't want to talk about any of those topics.  And I already knew that she didn't see any value in things that I liked to talk about, so I couldn't share my interests with her.  I couldn't share my feelings with her either, not even just the romantic ones but any of them because she was just this aloof, superior-acting person who would have viewed my feelings as weakness.  I didn't agree with or like a lot of her worldviews, which was pretty much just survival of the fittest and might makes right.  I found her to be cold, nasty, mean-spirited, and needlessly rebellious.  I realized I didn't really have any desire to talk to her, there wasn't anything I wanted to ask her, and I didn't really find her good-looking anymore either.  Not only that, but I was starting to have other things to do, and I didn't want to divert time and energy towards this. It never really did anything for me except make me feel unhappy, and I just didn't want this weighing me down anymore. I realized that it wasn't just more trouble than it was worth - rather it was all trouble and no worth to work to try to gain the approval of someone who denied it, who also made me feel like crap, who wasn't even really interesting or fun to talk to, and who wasn't a nice person. I had to jettison this situation. I realized that if I wanted to have any chance to make it at all at this point, I had to trim things away in my life down to the essentials.

I got up the nerve to look at her social media, and it only confirmed the change I was feeling - that I didn't really like her, didn't agree with her, and we didn't have anything to talk about.  She once told me that we were incompatible but didn't really explain it well, but all of a sudden I understood and actually agreed with it and wish it was presented in a way that I could have understood sooner, and didn't feel like it was either her being vague and weird, or an insult.  I realized after looking at her social media and the things she liked, the way she talked, her views, I felt like I never really liked the person she actually was, even when I thought I liked her.  I just liked my perception of her, the version of her that existed in my mind, the person I wanted to believe she was - and even the person I thought she was, still wasn't perfect for me, and I always knew it, but I went along with it anyway out of thinking that I wouldn't meet anyone I liked better.  That helped me let go a lot...realizing that the person I thought I wanted, was never a real person, was never someone that actually existed.  She was always this person that I realized I didn't really like, the whole time.  I felt like the whole entire thing of talking to her was one big mistake, and that my first impression of her - that I didn't like her because she was a smart-ass know-it-all cold Darwinistic edgelord - was right.  I felt like if for some reason our positions reversed and for some reason she liked me, all it would mean is that I would have to turn her down instead because I definitely would NOT have wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  If I had, not only would I still look at and talk to other women, but I would have felt unhappy and alone.

I didn't even see a point to being friends as there were other people that I could have better conversations with who made me feel better and were nicer to me.  I realized that, while I still don't know if it's full "liking", there were some other people I met who had some traits that I could like.  I don't know what the answer is for me anymore, but I know that she isn't it.  She wouldn't have made me happy.

The thing is, I NEVER would have believed this in 2013-2015.  And I definitely wasn't going to arrive there by people shaming me for feeling what I felt, and basically making me feel like they were rooting for my circumstances and the social pecking order against me.  But once I realized that I didn't like this girl on my own terms, because she wasn't someone I would ever have been able to be happy with, it gradually made sense. I didn't give up on her. I wasn't forced to admit defeat and know my limitations accept my circumstances and resign myself to a lesser lifestyle. Life didn't make a loser of me. Rather, I lost interest in her, and I realized that my "liking" was misplaced on someone that, when I stopped and thought about it, there was nothing to this person for me to like. I didn't care that she turned me down because I didn't want her either, because I knew that it would have made me unhappy to live with the real person that she was, every day, for the rest of my life, and this whole thing of "liking" her was a mistake that never should have happened in the first place. If I'd been with her I still would have dreamed of someone else - someone better-looking, someone with more common interests that I could share, someone who wasn't so dark and brooding and "edgy" and critical of everything all the time, someone who was just nicer.

Again, I'm not telling you to do one thing or the other, except maybe take a step back for a while, however long it takes, and really think about it.  You might find that you're not that crazy about her after all. You might get more self-esteem and peace of mind and your path might become clearer without this situation weighing you down.
 
Azariah,--These members must really respect and like you as a person to give you such wonderful advice. This is only my second posting but I was impressed with the quality of the responses and the music was real too. These postings would be good for friends too that have gone by the wayside because it winds up all the same no matter if it is a lover or friend---I say leave her in the dust and find a person who is your true friend but do not look for it because I believe life has a way of balancing things ----ways that no one can control...Best Wishes to You...priscella..
 
Azariah said:
You know there's nothing you guys can do to discourage me. Besides waiting for her keeps me single and living single now isn't so bad. And what is it like to move on anyways, how do you do that? I'll move on when I move on, if I move on. 

You can't force me to stop loving someone just as you can't force me TO love someone.

You're in love with a fantasy not a person. Waste more years like this and you will regret it.
 
ardour said:
Azariah said:
You know there's nothing you guys can do to discourage me. Besides waiting for her keeps me single and living single now isn't so bad. And what is it like to move on anyways, how do you do that? I'll move on when I move on, if I move on. 

You can't force me to stop loving someone just as you can't force me TO love someone.

You're in love with a fantasy not a person. Waste more years like this and you will regret it.

No, it's not even love at all.  It's obsession.

But Azariah, why did you post this thread at all if you have no intention of doing anything different than you are now and you don't seem to care what anyone says.
 
Just maybe his obsession might possibly be a user and she'll fall madly in love with him like in a movie.

I'll answer how long is too long. It's nearly 2 forum pages.
 
ardour said:
Azariah said:
You know there's nothing you guys can do to discourage me. Besides waiting for her keeps me single and living single now isn't so bad. And what is it like to move on anyways, how do you do that? I'll move on when I move on, if I move on. 

You can't force me to stop loving someone just as you can't force me TO love someone.

You're in love with a fantasy not a person. Waste more years like this and you will regret it.

TheRealCallie said:
ardour said:
Azariah said:
You know there's nothing you guys can do to discourage me. Besides waiting for her keeps me single and living single now isn't so bad. And what is it like to move on anyways, how do you do that? I'll move on when I move on, if I move on. 

You can't force me to stop loving someone just as you can't force me TO love someone.

You're in love with a fantasy not a person. Waste more years like this and you will regret it.

No, it's not even love at all.  It's obsession.

But Azariah, why did you post this thread at all if you have no intention of doing anything different than you are now and you don't seem to care what anyone says.

At least I got the perspective of others. Idk.

Edit: At least i now know for sure that to wait as long as I have isn't normal.
 
I know you guys mean well, and thanks for the advice. If I regret it, then oh well, poor me I guess. However if my dream comes true then ill be the happiest man in the world. Ill take the risk. No risk no reward!!!
 
Azariah said:
I know you guys mean well, and thanks for the advice. If I regret it, then oh well, poor me I guess. However if my dream comes true then ill be the happiest man in the world. Ill take the risk. No risk no reward!!!

Most people in your shoes don't take advice - they prefer to live with the lie they've told themselves.  I've seen situations where stalkers like yourself do receive a harsh response, a blunt verbal rejection, and then twist that rejection somehow into hope.  Don't be stupid, listen to what people are telling you - she doesn't want to respond to you because she doesn't want to communicate with you, period.  You aren't respecting that and it's selfish. You aren't 'entitled' to her just because you want her. 

Leave her alone.  Learn this life lesson the easy way, instead of the hard way.
 
morrowrd said:
Azariah said:
I know you guys mean well, and thanks for the advice. If I regret it, then oh well, poor me I guess. However if my dream comes true then ill be the happiest man in the world. Ill take the risk. No risk no reward!!!

Most people in your shoes don't take advice - they prefer to live with the lie they've told themselves.  I've seen situations where stalkers like yourself do receive a harsh response, a blunt verbal rejection, and then twist that rejection somehow into hope.  Don't be stupid, listen to what people are telling you - she doesn't want to respond to you because she doesn't want to communicate with you, period.  You aren't respecting that and it's selfish. You aren't 'entitled' to her just because you want her. 

Leave her alone.  Learn this life lesson the easy way, instead of the hard way.

I'm not sure a few messages counts as stalking (yet). It needs to be persistent, ongoing.  The real tragedy is the OP has wasted some of the best years because of this obsession.
 
Wow!  Our experiences are similar, but different.  I think
I was or am still obsessed by a husband who agreed to be mine
but it was very unusual.  He dropped out of my life and started
behaving very badly.  Even would ask a girl out only to parade her
in front of me.....and he too was in the in crowd but didn't want me to
leave.....kept one social media page open just for me to which he never said
a word to me on but let me talk and talk to no end.  

The other guy is right.  Evaluate this.  Is it worth you being miserable
while this person continues to abuse and ignore you?  Mine wants to do that
because he hangs around people who devalue me.  Always value yourself.
And I need to take this advice for myself.  If after sufficient time of trying
they are still abusive and continue to treat you like you don't exist
let them alone.  Maybe just realize you deserve better people to be in your life...people
who will cherish and honor you as someone special.

There is someone special out there for you.  Why waste your time on this person who doesn't want you when there might be someone else who would be great for you?  Unless God is def. saying she is the one never give up.....you need to let her be.  It is not healthy for you to continue this way.....it's not even reasonable.
 

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