Life, a circular problem

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

theGiver

New member
Joined
Oct 20, 2008
Messages
3
Reaction score
0
I am frightfully aware that it is almost 5am where I am, and also aware of today's expectations as a Monday. However, I've decided that despite having a major course in three hours, I needed to take some time out of the day-to-day motions to do some thinking about where I am in life. So, here I am.

I find myself tempted to delve into some gargantuan story about the troubles of my life or all the negative things that have shaped my experience here on earth to be a gray one, but to attempt to blame my troubles on someone or something would simply be dishonest. Therefore I'll do my best to explain who I am and sit back and hope that at least some of it will fall on understanding ears.

On a day to day basis, something I find very difficult to do is to start up a conversation with someone I'd like to talk to. In the past, any efforts to do so have returned to me answers that are even more difficult to respond to than it was to say the first hello, or ask an inquiring question. Thus, the scenario plays out the same each time: I initiate, person responds with a closed statement, I return to what I was doing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just bad at picking the right situations to talk to people, or if my delivery is flawed. Either way, it is infinitely more discouraging to be passively shut down than to be flat-out rejected.

Perhaps I have a developed case of social anxiety, perhaps I'm just shy. I've looked for answers or solutions to that dread I feel in my stomach, the pang of paralyzing fear that is almost impossible to overcome as I try to explore a social opportunity. The few times that I have overcome it, I was either rejected or half-rejected: the fear led to assumptions that I was fully rejected when perhaps that was not the case. Regardless, my self-esteem is not exactly bloated at that point.

And in that I find it very difficult especially to find that "special person." I'm leaning more and more toward accepting that I will be living a life of solitude, and whether that means I will be depressed or not, I don't know -- hopefully not. I'd like to think that I am just too picky, and used to try to comfort myself in the idea that I was someone who would be patient in waiting for the right person.

The problem is that everyone around me, even those of the opposite sex, are looking for just that: sex. Whether they admit it or not, that always seems to be the staple of their relationships. And while I'd like to be able to jump on the bandwagon, sex to me is not a goal, but a mutual decision. And that makes my companion-finding process a lot more complicated.

Something I've always tried to stick to in my life is personal morality. I try to live my life doing what I know is right. And while I firmly believe in that, it can have a downside. As my name might suggest, I have faith in selflessness, and do my best to be selfless. But being selfless is also being cursed, in my case.

To all three of my close friends, I willingly and gladly will give advice in almost any situation. My best friend, who I live with, has needed it a lot over the years. And I care about everyone enough to be happy when I give it, because I love them and am interested in seeing them be happy before I am happy. However, my friend, while very intelligent and somewhat introverted, has never been willing to do the same for me. I don't blame it on anyone, and it's not that he doesn't care about me, it's just that our chains of dependence differ from one another. He has a girlfriend who acts as one of his supports, but I don't know if he realizes that he is one of my only supports.

As of right now I don't have anyone to confide in, no one to share my thoughts or feelings with. In my attempt to be a moral compass I fear I've destroyed some of my ability to feel emotions with other people or for myself. Several people have told me they can't even imagine me in a situation where I'd be angry -- and while I take pride in that, I'm afraid it might be a symptom of a much larger problem.

Best wishes,

Gareth.
 
I don’t think you do have a problem.
You know well what you want or don’t want.
We are all unique.
You will not shy to talk to someone who is interested in the same or similar thought.
We just know or assume that they are not.
 
Hi there I totally understand when you speak of initiating conversation I am totally the same and have resigned myself to having no friends and a long life ahead of me. I've actually caught myself out for asking to many questions and have noticed that maybe I need to focus on things that I would like to say.
 
Initiating a conversation, oh boy; it isn't exactly a strong suit of mine. That's why I usually wait for someone to approach me rather than approach another. Half of the time I'm unsure of what to say, or how to guide the conversation if the other person doesn't say much, but if the other person is talkative, after a few minutes I can usually open up enough to get into a nice little enjoyable conversation.
 
When in your tastes, in your morals, in your views you become as a diamond you invariably find yourself surrounded by coal.
 
Thank you for all of your responses. The fact that there are others like me has already helped a lot. :)

Catharsis, nothing rings more true of my moral beliefs. What you said is both beautiful and frightening; it's such a morbid, self-destructing view of the world, yet with the best of intentions. It also tells me that perhaps I need to adjust and relax a little when it comes to those sorts of things. The very thought of doing that, though, leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Has anyone conquered this feeling, who would be able to give me some advice?
 
Many of our psychological qualities are a double edged sword. Perfectionism is generally a good thing, but there are going to be times when it serves no purpose and you are simply being hard on yourself. Compare your sense of responsibility to others and you'll see this is true. Recognize this trait and put it into perspective.

I find socializing is a bit awkward too. Most of us tend to stay in our little world unless theres a reason to talk to someone. I'm not too good with introductions. I try to be nice and act appropriately, but overall I tend to just be myself.

When you're one of a kind you're best hope for meeting people you can relate to is probably over the internet.
 
Well, usually it helps me when I go out with another friend. I feel like I have more confidence if I'm with someone else I know, even if the other person is shy. I guess it's because I feel like if it backfires (trying to talk to a new person/making new friends), I'll at least have someone I can turn back to and turn my focus to, and not feel so awkward about it. I also have to be in the right mood of course too.

Catharsis made a good point though; we usually tend to talk to people when we have a reason to, so if you're in a bar or something and there's a sports game on and the person next to you is kinda into it, you could either make a comment on it if you know a little about it or ask a question about it if it interests you. It'd be a way to break the ice, and maybe it'll get the other person to open up. That's just one example though. Take a look at your surroundings and see if there's something that you can make a comment on to a person near you. Or maybe there's a common reason why a lot of people are in the place where you are, like people who go to clubs typically like to dance. If you're at school/college either in the classroom, library, or cafeteria there's some opportunities there as well to talk to people. It may lead to nothing, but if you say something to the right person, you could very well make a new friend with a person you wouldn't ever think you'd be friends with.

I don't know if that will be of much help to you, but that's what I usually try, or I wait (and hope for) somebody to approach me.
 
I feel the same way sometimes too, theGiver (Is that after the book? I liked that book =) )

I get so nervous all the time when I want to talk to someone at school (my attempt to make friends), and I always end up making a fool of myself because I come out inarticulate. I also feel detachment too (like what you were describing, "I fear I've destroyed some of my ability to feel emotions with other people or for myself").
 
Red_Apple said:
"I fear I've destroyed some of my ability to feel emotions with other people or for myself").

oh dear.

[youtube]sSIkHrjPWTc[/youtube]

I have an affirmation for you: the turtle. Don't let others control your feelings, but at the same time don't kill them off. It's a bit tricky at first and you still remain sensitive to moods and the general feel of a place, but without emotions you'd might as well be a robot. They are the spice of life.
 
That's also true, emotions are the "spice of life." =) Though they can seem very difficult to control at times (well for me anyway). I either get too excited, or become a wall.

I remember playing FF3, I love the Final Fantasy games, btw.
 
Red_Apple said:
That's also true, emotions are the "spice of life." =) Though they can seem very difficult to control at times (well for me anyway). I either get too excited, or become a wall.

I remember playing FF3, I love the Final Fantasy games, btw.


Then you know I was referencing Shadow.

Maybe that approach is wrong. Solitude is a kind of wall. An artificial wall. So even the turtle is a device of the dark world. No wall should be needed. I would love to be able to say just let others make you feel how they will, but this is not a good idea. I guess I don't have a perfect answer. Who was I to presume to try and tell you that?

Hmm inspiration comes at funny times.

When there are two, one would be darkness so the other will shine. Positive and negative, good and evil, man and woman, energy and matter, light and darkness, the list goes on and on. The light shines, the darkness changes, the limitless energy is limited and turned into things. Light is the giving type.


Ugh, sorry I'm starting to ramble here. My ideas are like plants that grow on their own.

Anyway, I'm impressed that you love Final Fantasy. In fact I have to remind myself not to be overly impressed.
 
Catharsis said:
When in your tastes, in your morals, in your views you become as a diamond you invariably find yourself surrounded by coal.

When your tastes, your morals and your views are part of a world that is closed off from others, you cannot possibly become a diamond, nor can you fully evaluate the material you find yourself surrounded by.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top