theGiver
New member
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2008
- Messages
- 3
- Reaction score
- 0
I am frightfully aware that it is almost 5am where I am, and also aware of today's expectations as a Monday. However, I've decided that despite having a major course in three hours, I needed to take some time out of the day-to-day motions to do some thinking about where I am in life. So, here I am.
I find myself tempted to delve into some gargantuan story about the troubles of my life or all the negative things that have shaped my experience here on earth to be a gray one, but to attempt to blame my troubles on someone or something would simply be dishonest. Therefore I'll do my best to explain who I am and sit back and hope that at least some of it will fall on understanding ears.
On a day to day basis, something I find very difficult to do is to start up a conversation with someone I'd like to talk to. In the past, any efforts to do so have returned to me answers that are even more difficult to respond to than it was to say the first hello, or ask an inquiring question. Thus, the scenario plays out the same each time: I initiate, person responds with a closed statement, I return to what I was doing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just bad at picking the right situations to talk to people, or if my delivery is flawed. Either way, it is infinitely more discouraging to be passively shut down than to be flat-out rejected.
Perhaps I have a developed case of social anxiety, perhaps I'm just shy. I've looked for answers or solutions to that dread I feel in my stomach, the pang of paralyzing fear that is almost impossible to overcome as I try to explore a social opportunity. The few times that I have overcome it, I was either rejected or half-rejected: the fear led to assumptions that I was fully rejected when perhaps that was not the case. Regardless, my self-esteem is not exactly bloated at that point.
And in that I find it very difficult especially to find that "special person." I'm leaning more and more toward accepting that I will be living a life of solitude, and whether that means I will be depressed or not, I don't know -- hopefully not. I'd like to think that I am just too picky, and used to try to comfort myself in the idea that I was someone who would be patient in waiting for the right person.
The problem is that everyone around me, even those of the opposite sex, are looking for just that: sex. Whether they admit it or not, that always seems to be the staple of their relationships. And while I'd like to be able to jump on the bandwagon, sex to me is not a goal, but a mutual decision. And that makes my companion-finding process a lot more complicated.
Something I've always tried to stick to in my life is personal morality. I try to live my life doing what I know is right. And while I firmly believe in that, it can have a downside. As my name might suggest, I have faith in selflessness, and do my best to be selfless. But being selfless is also being cursed, in my case.
To all three of my close friends, I willingly and gladly will give advice in almost any situation. My best friend, who I live with, has needed it a lot over the years. And I care about everyone enough to be happy when I give it, because I love them and am interested in seeing them be happy before I am happy. However, my friend, while very intelligent and somewhat introverted, has never been willing to do the same for me. I don't blame it on anyone, and it's not that he doesn't care about me, it's just that our chains of dependence differ from one another. He has a girlfriend who acts as one of his supports, but I don't know if he realizes that he is one of my only supports.
As of right now I don't have anyone to confide in, no one to share my thoughts or feelings with. In my attempt to be a moral compass I fear I've destroyed some of my ability to feel emotions with other people or for myself. Several people have told me they can't even imagine me in a situation where I'd be angry -- and while I take pride in that, I'm afraid it might be a symptom of a much larger problem.
Best wishes,
Gareth.
I find myself tempted to delve into some gargantuan story about the troubles of my life or all the negative things that have shaped my experience here on earth to be a gray one, but to attempt to blame my troubles on someone or something would simply be dishonest. Therefore I'll do my best to explain who I am and sit back and hope that at least some of it will fall on understanding ears.
On a day to day basis, something I find very difficult to do is to start up a conversation with someone I'd like to talk to. In the past, any efforts to do so have returned to me answers that are even more difficult to respond to than it was to say the first hello, or ask an inquiring question. Thus, the scenario plays out the same each time: I initiate, person responds with a closed statement, I return to what I was doing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just bad at picking the right situations to talk to people, or if my delivery is flawed. Either way, it is infinitely more discouraging to be passively shut down than to be flat-out rejected.
Perhaps I have a developed case of social anxiety, perhaps I'm just shy. I've looked for answers or solutions to that dread I feel in my stomach, the pang of paralyzing fear that is almost impossible to overcome as I try to explore a social opportunity. The few times that I have overcome it, I was either rejected or half-rejected: the fear led to assumptions that I was fully rejected when perhaps that was not the case. Regardless, my self-esteem is not exactly bloated at that point.
And in that I find it very difficult especially to find that "special person." I'm leaning more and more toward accepting that I will be living a life of solitude, and whether that means I will be depressed or not, I don't know -- hopefully not. I'd like to think that I am just too picky, and used to try to comfort myself in the idea that I was someone who would be patient in waiting for the right person.
The problem is that everyone around me, even those of the opposite sex, are looking for just that: sex. Whether they admit it or not, that always seems to be the staple of their relationships. And while I'd like to be able to jump on the bandwagon, sex to me is not a goal, but a mutual decision. And that makes my companion-finding process a lot more complicated.
Something I've always tried to stick to in my life is personal morality. I try to live my life doing what I know is right. And while I firmly believe in that, it can have a downside. As my name might suggest, I have faith in selflessness, and do my best to be selfless. But being selfless is also being cursed, in my case.
To all three of my close friends, I willingly and gladly will give advice in almost any situation. My best friend, who I live with, has needed it a lot over the years. And I care about everyone enough to be happy when I give it, because I love them and am interested in seeing them be happy before I am happy. However, my friend, while very intelligent and somewhat introverted, has never been willing to do the same for me. I don't blame it on anyone, and it's not that he doesn't care about me, it's just that our chains of dependence differ from one another. He has a girlfriend who acts as one of his supports, but I don't know if he realizes that he is one of my only supports.
As of right now I don't have anyone to confide in, no one to share my thoughts or feelings with. In my attempt to be a moral compass I fear I've destroyed some of my ability to feel emotions with other people or for myself. Several people have told me they can't even imagine me in a situation where I'd be angry -- and while I take pride in that, I'm afraid it might be a symptom of a much larger problem.
Best wishes,
Gareth.