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Darkness

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I have been suffering from Depression and some anxiety for almost 2 decades now. I had an incident at work that happened a month and a half ago that has absolutely destroyed me mentally. I have been really struggling. I'm at little bit of fault with this situation and I have apologized and owned up to my side of it. However there is a lot more drama...etc I'm upset with myself that I let myself get caught up in it. This has seriously been my biggest drama incident in my 34 years of life. I have dealt with suicidal tendencies in the past but they are running rampant now. I have already made some what of a will out and wrote a letter. I'm single(my whole life) no wife/girlfriend or kids. I been fighting the urges so far and I'm winning. I have always been strong in fighting this honeysuckle, but I feel the wall is starting to crack. I do have a gun and I absolutely buried that ******* under a ton of crap in my room. That way I can talk some reason to myself if I do go over the edge.

Obviously I need to seek help and I'm not going to argue that with anyone. I have always kept this crap to myself inside and never really opened up to anyone. So basically I have destroyed myself within. So my questions for you all. Does the national suicide hotline work? Has medicine helped any of you? Did counseling help or going to the doctor help? Are there any pros and cons with any of these things? I mean I do understand the greatest pro is your life. I have done a crap ton of reading on depression, anxiety, suicide. I have watched a ton of videos on youtube about this stuff. I just see so many mix responses on seeking help and that bothers me. I understand we are all different and what works for you may not for me and vis versa. One thing does hold me back is I'm afraid I wouldn't be welcomed to heaven if I did kill myself. I'm going to seek out help eventually, but i just want to get a better grasp on things before I bring this issue up to my family. My mother is currently battling cancer and father is recovering from triple bypass. I just can't put this extra weight on them now. Oh and this COVID crap isn't helping either.

Please share any good or bad experiences you have had with seeking help. Thanks I appreciate it.
 
The national hotline and counseling can and do help, but you have to want it to help, if that makes sense. You have to be open to it working for it to work.
Meds can definitely work, but you may have to try a few before you find one that works for you. You could also check into natural alternatives. Herbs, exercise, meditation, etc etc.

There are pros and cons with everything. The biggest con with your choices is meds and their side effects of course.

Do what you have to do to be okay with yourself again. Even if it doesn't work exactly the way you want it to, you will find something that does. It seems like you really want to beat this, so that is the biggest pro you have right now.
 
IMO. You need to get rid of your gun very soon. You can always get another one later. You don't need protection from others now. You need protection from yourself. You need to have someone else help you do that so you are not alone with it. You don't need to tell them why. Just say you're tired of it, you just don't want it any more, or you need the money. But, don't mess with it while you are alone period. Don't dig it out waiting for someone else to pick it up either. Dig it out with someone else there with you. 

If you are hesitant to do that just call the police and tell them you want a gun removed from your house and they'll gladly assist you. It's no big deal. You do not have to tell them why either. You can say you just don't feel comfortable messing with it. 

However, if you tell them the real reason why they'll get you into the system to get help. They usually have all the necessary contacts and may very well drive you straight to a mental health unit. Then it'll be out of your control, which may be the best thing right now. I know it's a scary thing to do to give up control like that. It's not macho. But, others don't need to know about it. I'm telling you that you can just relax knowing you will get help. It's like a weight being lifted off of your shoulders. You'll also find others there in similar situations. You don't have to deal with this. Let them deal with it instead. That's why they are there.

Either way, you need to seek help NOW. They'll want to start you on some kind of medication and that's what's needed. There are many drugs to make you feel great. I will not recommend any specific medications and nobody else should either. That's for doctors to do. It'll be a wild ride trying to find what works for you. It may very well make you worse before you get better. That's why all the weapons need to be out of your place. You may do unexpected and impulsive things until you adjust to the meds.

Things will get better. I got to the point where I just said fresia it I'm done. I basically quit life and removed all the BS frustrations and quilt trips. Then I started added things back slowly. However, I found that I didn't want to add very much back. And that's fine. This is my life / your life and nobody else matters. So, don't feel pressure to do things that others expect of you. Get the monkeys off your back. Learn to say fresia you to them or at least think it. You are all that matters. This is your time in this world.
 
I would get out of the house and walk to a church where there might be someone to talk to maybe a priest or a nun or even a minister then come home and keep busy--force yourself to keep busy---clean house--move furniture ---build something and have some tomato soup with cheese on top and crackers. Then check out the internet to see if there are counselors on there to call or e-mail too and share some of the story if you wish and if you have a radio turn that on and have your favorite drink--cocoa, tea, milk, ice tea, soda or whatever you like-----pass the time and if you feel like crying then cry and wipe your eyes and start again to be busy or even for that matter take a good nap...Call up a friend and talk to them ( a good friend)....I have had problems at work too and it was just terrible and it took me about three weeks to get over and I eventually transferred to another department and life carried on and made me whole again....Just pass time for things will change for the better and seek out a minister or priest or what ever....Best wishes to you....Remember you are not the only one----there are many with problems at their job every day of the year and believe me this does make you stronger and wiser but you have to pass through the honeysuckle first..find someone to talk to and so glad you shared some of your story with us and just carry on and if it gets bad take a hot shower and just go to bed---tomorrow is another day... Now this next thing is going to be really stupid but my mom in the fifty"s told me that this song made her feel better so I will introduce it to you... It's a stupid song but maybe it will help.....

 
Thank you all for the replies. I have been talking with a couple good friends who have been helping me with this situation. I didn't realize that my current doctor is actually part of a suicide group within my county so I'm going to reach out to him and go from there. One of my biggest problems is I got a huge heart. I care more about others and don't much for myself and I need to change that. Finished you said it best I need to learn to just say no or even tell people to piss off. I'm actually in a better mindset right now then I was 24 hours ago. However I still need work and help and I'm going to get it. We all know this will always going to be one big never ending roller coaster ride, because life isn't fair. Thanks for the information all of you. I truly and greatly appreciate it.
 
That's great! I'm glad things are better. Yeah, I have typically helped everybody else out while putting myself last. It's taken me decades to say no. It requires me to get mad. I still fell bad about it when I do too. One of the older single neighbor ladies has blown me off because I said I liked her. I guess she felt I was coming on to her. Her yard looks like honeysuckle and it's full of weeds. Even with her blowing me off I still feel bad for not going over there and cleaning up her yard. Old habits are hard to break. But, I will stay strong and not do it. Ha! ha! That's how I get myself sucked into things. Next I'll be fixing up her house for free. Then I'll take a break and she'll get mad because I'm not doing it fast enough. Ha! ha!
 
Darkness said:
Thank you all for the replies. I have been talking with a couple good friends who have been helping me with this situation. I didn't realize that my current doctor is actually part of a suicide group within my county so I'm going to reach out to him and go from there. One of my biggest problems is I got a huge heart. I care more about others and don't much for myself and I need to change that. Finished you said it best I need to learn to just say no or even tell people to piss off. I'm actually in a better mindset right now then I was 24 hours ago. However I still need work and help and I'm going to get it. We all know this will always going to be one big never ending roller coaster ride, because life isn't fair. Thanks for the information all of you. I truly and greatly appreciate it.

I'm glad your getting help. I maybe be late to this but I have a huge heart too. For awhile I had to take a break from everything so I could take care of myself and put my needs first for once. It's not selfish to look after yourself. Being a caring person is great, trust me, but not when people are taking advantage of you and trying to harm you. Make sure you take care of yourself and always look after yourself. You should always come first. I'm glad your finally going to do something about it and put out some healthy boundaries. If you don't want to talk to anyone on a particular day, you don't have too. If they don't respect your space, they are not good friends to start out with. Hope your doing okay now, keep us updated! :)

Feel free to message me anytime.
 
I have a problem with suicidal thoughts. Part of it might be having had a life out of control. Part of might be having an interest in the after death. I mean, what is really there when we get there?

One philosophy I've invented has to do with prospective. What if nothing in life bothered you at all? I'm coming at this backwards because people tend to misunderstand my point. But, if you are willing to end your own life then the bad things in life shouldn't have any power over you, so why let them. I mean, if your life is on a switch that you can turn off at any time it's like there is always a way out, so what matters really when you are willing to leave it all anyway?

I'm not saying suicide is a way anyone should go. I'm saying adjust your attitude so nothing has the power to make you use that switch.

That, and having a fascination with parallel universes leaves me to believe, or maybe just expect that ending this life just puts us back on the same track in another life...maybe with just a bit more insight. I mean, can you imagine dying only to wake back up in your own bed? It sort of makes the act redundant.

Anyway, you don't have to become a cold hearted misanthrope. just let go of the severity that things affect you.
 
I do not think the feeling is like how you say because it is more involved and emotional instead of thinking and there is no philosophy involved with it at the time. Its just one feels so bad they think that their life is over when it should not be because like they say:  Tomorrow is another day and it is "always" a better one. That's why the old timers like that song--"the little white cloud that cried" because their lives were really rough at times but they overcame it and life got better for them..There is always hope...There is always faith and There is always charity.. Priscella..
 
Finished said:
Plus you might be able to get back at the people that wronged you. So, it's worth getting up the next day. Ha! Ha!

Or there is that thing about turning the other cheek and avoiding the escalation of getting back at someone who in turn will get back at you.  Just sayin'.
 
I didn't read the replies, so what I'm going to write might have already been said.
I believe only a small percentage of those who are lonely and emotionally isolated are capable of being mentally well and happy despite the circumstances they're in. Talking to someone on a hotline might bring temporary relief but won't change much. Talking with a counsellor won't fix it either. The same goes for perfecting ones diet and exercice routine. Those things won't make you happy when you're lacking social connections. I do believe though that chemically altering the hormones that influence your mood could help to make your experience less unpleasant.
 
myra---I believe that is true but it is only temporary and you need to have something that you can latch on to even just to talk or write to someone who might have something in common with you---most of all---I think----that people want friends who "just care about them" even only once or twice a year but the point is not total neglect but once in awhile ask them how they are doing? priscella
 
^ Yep. Chemicals are only supposed to facilitate the person to help make the needed changes. But, with our PRO-DRUG society and a need for simple fixes, many short term drugs have become long term symptom fixers. The problem is never resolved.
 
He's 34 and had depression since 2 decades, since he was a teenager. I don't think his natural chemical makeup will just improve. I also don't think just taking a medicine for a short time will help him fix his social problems, seeing that he's 34 and never had a girlfriend.

I think with people who are temporarily down, e.g. after a divorce or the death of their child, the chemical can help them through that time and in those cases it's temporary. However, some of us people naturally have a depressed disposition that won't go away, and have social problems that can't be overcome during a temporary improvement in mood.

The "problem" (if it os one) of simple fixes will never get resolved. People expect more and more quick fixes and become more and more lazy and impatient with every decade. Microwaved food, internet, self-driving cars.
 
^ Well, having a proven lack of certain chemicals is a different situation that may very well need permanent medications to bring one back to normal. But, IMO, when you tell someone that they are whatever. They start to believe it. Then when you give them drugs long term they become dependent on them even if they don't really need them. If something doesn't change their mind and the problem is allowed to continue then it becomes a permanent problem. The person believes they will be whatever forever.

Again IMO, it's similar to PTSD. There absolutely are real cases of it especially in the military. But, now it's almost kind of a fad. If someone had a bad experience in the past and they feel bad about it. Someone will say it's PTSD. Soccer mom has a car accident. OMG! It's totally like PTSD for sure. The person will think, yeah I have PTSD. Then they take on all the symptoms that come along with it to make things fit. Instead the real problem should be realized and dealt with as quickly as possible to get the person to a normal state. People have so many problems nowadays because there are so many defined problems to have. There's a disease for everything now.
 
Darkness, you've received enough responses here to appreciate that people care about you.  I agree with a few of the points made, but have my own Christian perspective to add.

First of all, I don't believe that committing suicide would prevent you from going to heaven.  If you've truely accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, then your past, present, and future sins have been forgiven.  Your acceptance into heaven is based upon Christ's work on the cross, God's gift of grace, and your faith, not your righteous or wrongful actions.

While others suggest reasonable courses of action that may very well help you treat the symptoms of depression, I'd suggest that you simultaneously dig into the conscious causes.  In other words, I'd be going to the source of who made you and what's your purpose here in this life? And while most people on this site will reject religion as the answer, I'd insist that it's essential to the matter.

I don't know if you're a praying man, but I'd suggest you be one, seriously. For some encouragement, I'd like to share the following 30 minute video with you.  It's a short, interesting sermon that you may find both entertaining and helpful.  Let me know if you want more.



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Sir Joseph said:
If you've truely accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, then your past, present, and future sins have been forgiven.  Your acceptance into heaven is based upon Christ's work on the cross, God's gift of grace, and your faith, not your righteous or wrongful actions.  

Yeah, religion may work. It seems to work for quite a few folks. That way one can unload all their problems onto something else that is unseen and unheard except for a magically few. If this is just a temporary existence before heading off to a perfect existence then any problems here are trivial. I'd gladly let tons of people kick my ass if I knew I was going to get a substantial reward in the end. That makes complete sense. Also, one can do, say, and act anyway they want and then simply ask for forgiveness and then everything is good again. That sounds great to me. I want to believe it all. But, I can't.
 
Just an update. I'm doing a lot better. They have me on a couple medications and its actually really helping me. I'm also able to get much needed sleep. I'm actually getting 3 to 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep which is so nice. Counseling is working as well, plus I got few supportive friends that are helping. I know what I need to work on and I know it won't be easy. I also understand that depression/loneliness/sadness/anxiety/suicidal thoughts will never truly go away, but I'm learning ways to help combat the negative thoughts. I also realize that life is an roller coaster, its going to have its highs and lows and bumpy rides. I just need to learn to deal with them and still try to have fun. Thanks for all the responses and tips. I appreciate it.
 

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