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Roadieb

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So here we go.  I am 40 years old, male, and on disability for my back(surgery) and some mental issues like depression and bipolar disorder among other things like my body dysmorphia.  I have always thought I was too skinny and ugly my whole life.  Even now I feel that way.  My wonderful wife who is a nurse has been my caretaker as well as my wife.  All of a sudden, literally days after our 10th wedding anniversary, a switch flipped in her and our relationship is in limbo and I'm scared.  She said she doesn't want to have that role anymore and I said ok I will do everything in my power to do honeysuckle on my own.  What kills me is she won't touch me.  Literally won't hold hands, let me rub her feet, just does the opposite of things we have done for years.  We are on the brink of divorce I think.  We are in couples counseling but she clams up and it doesn't seem to be very productive.  I know there is tons more I could tell you all, but I've got to go get myself in order here cause even writing this down hurts.  Any advice would be great.  Thanks for reading all of this.
 
I don't have a solution. I'm in a similar situation. My wife had to care for me for a lot of years. I improved with diagnosis and treatments but I'll never be complete again. Life is hard. And when added burden is forced on someone it will eventually become overwhelming. Your wife has her troubles, but she has yours too. It's understandable how someone might learn to resent it.

You need to lessen the burden your wife has. That you already know. How to is the hard part. You can try harder. But if you're like me it isn't a matter of lazy. It's a matter of ability. So is there any chance of getting in more help so your wife can take a break?
 
It does not look good from my view and she is right around the age where it involves "thinking" for her "own life" survival in the future. When people are healthy and can do things like make it easier for the other mate--fixing things, building things, having fun etc etc---that is one side of the picture but when one gets disabled for one reason or another--very few people want to put up with that---unless they are "truly in love" then they do not mind the extra effort and it makes them feel good about themselves as well as helping their mate.. Your situation sounds really bad but you are not alone and will work through this "honeysuckle"...Have patience and do what you can and seek help with stuff even if you have to pay a person to help you---eat tv dinners and get a microwave--this will help so you won't have to worry about cooking for now and get a shower that you can walk into for a easier time and get grab bars around also look into those "upright walkers" to improve your posture...Sorry when you are down that you have to go through this stuff but remember --you are not alone---other people are going through the very same thing..Bless you..priscella
 
Thank you for the replies. Yeah, I have some work to do if I'm going to try to fix this. I'm kinda letting her do her own thing like she wants and making sure I give her attention when I can tell she could use it. I just want her to be happy
 
The only advice I can give is to talk to her. Communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise. If she won't talk to you then consider writing a letter. Not an email, not a text but an actual physical letter. It's more difficult to ignore a tangible thing that's handed to you. I wish you all the best with your relationship and health troubles.
 
Becoming as independent as you can while you still have some kind of support from her is a good idea. It might be the breathing room she needs. If not and she leaves. Then you'll have a head start.
 
Talking about caretakers for now:  My very best friend Margie who is 94 has covid and in the hospital so say a little prayer for her...I am sure going to miss her if she passes away.. Sorry for the sad news say some prayers...would appreciate....priscella..
 
Sorry to hear that.  Do you and your wife have good friends who can help give you a refresher?  Glad you are in counseling - that is good. It sounds like you have a good wife - she has taken good care of you.  She needs to take care of her emotional and spiritual needs as well - to keep her going. Can you find a Pastor who can pray over you both and help your marriage reignite the relationship and passion? The Pastor can hopefully point you to a small group also.  There is an article online called Caring for the Caregiver by Pascual Chen.  It is about Self Care and setting healthy boundaries for Caregivers - in order to keep recharged and not burn out.  There is a marriage seminar you may want to go to.  "Weekend to Remember"  (3 day seminar) is one that my wife and I like.  We come away from the seminar with a fresh perspective on marriage - each time.   Prayers for you my friend!   God Cares!
 
This is going to hurt, but I feel like I have to say it.

We want a partner, not someone who we have to take care of. It is exhausting to do all of the work for ourselves and have to carry someone else's baggage too. But, if there is love, that baggage is a little lighter. My husband is needy emotionally, and it is exhausting. Some days he drains me, and I don't want to be touched, I just want to me left alone.

Are there things you can do for her? A way you can take care of her? Can you pack her lunch for her? Plan and cook dinner? As dumb as this sounds, the fact that I don't have to think about taking out the trash because it is "his job" saves my sanity a little bit. I really appreciate him.

She may not notice it right away, but you can always try.
 
This for sure.I recently started medication,lost the use of my car which was vital for my job.Although I was still working part time my wife had to drive me to jobs on her days off   and after a month or so I could see the frustration with the fact I was suddenly reliant on her it was really affecting our relationship.So along with the trash I took on everything to do with running the house.The fact that she could hit the sack after a very mentally tiring job without the added worry of domestic chores really made a difference.I even started riding my bike to jobs which really made a difference.Now I'm full time I still do most stuff when I get in because I can really do my job in my sleep,not too much stress.I hope this Doesn't sound like it's an all about me post,my wife still does loads on her days off.It really could make a difference.
 
I've never wanted to take care of others, ever. In fact, I chose to never have children. However, I ended up taking care of my parents and grandparents, which included butt wiping, diapers, meals, IV lines, wound care, etc, etc, etc, with a full time job for several years. I even moved them into my house. After they all passed away and my job was complete I was totally finished doing that kind of stuff. I really really hope I will never take care of another human the rest of my life. Taking care of others is extremely draining unless it's something the person gets personally rewarded from. An ex-girlfriend was a nursing assistant. She wiped butts, etc, etc, etc all day long. She got a tremendous amount of self satisfaction out of it. She was always happy to do it. But, there aren't that many people like her.
 
Say, Fin, my hat's off to you for taking care of both your parents and grandparents.  Compared to you, I guess I was lucky because I managed to place my Mother in a care-home.  It became absolutely necessary because when I myself got hospitalized, there was no one else to take care of her with her dementia.  She passed away earlier this year.
And since my Father had passed away much earlier than her, and I have no siblings, that makes me the only survivor in the family. But I like my solitude.  That's why I had introduced the other thread "Lonely is Good."
 
August Campbell said:
Say, Fin, my hat's off to you for taking care of both your parents and grandparents.  Compared to you, I guess I was lucky because I managed to place my Mother in a care-home.  It became absolutely necessary because when I myself got hospitalized, there was no one else to take care of her with her dementia.  She passed away earlier this year.
And since my Father had passed away much earlier than her, and I have no siblings, that makes me the only survivor in the family. But I like my solitude.  That's why I had introduced the other thread "Lonely is Good."

Thanks. Yeah, sometimes a care-home is the only option. Sometimes people quickly learn they can not handle being a caregiver. Sometimes it's the best option. What I really hate seeing is a family moving an elder member into their home, sucking up all their assets, and then sticking them in a care-home a short time later saying they can't take care of them. That seems to happen a lot though.

My family all said they would rather die then go to a home. I was riding the edge at times though. Hospice visited my grandmother every day while I was at work. That really helped. However, they kept pressuring me to put them in a home. I told hospice that I was doing what they wanted me to do. They were all quite old and they deserved to die the way they wanted too.

I will probably end up putting myself into a home just before I need too. I plan on researching which ones to go to and visit them. I figure a transitional one will be best. I'll start in an assisted living place and move to a different areas as I decline more and more. Well, unless I die before that happens.

One thing I noted was that my dad kept saying that he was ready to die as he got older. At the time, I was like ****. That's crazy. However, as his time got close he was begging not to die. I wonder how many people say they want to die. But, they really don't. So, I try to refrain from saying that in bad times.
 

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