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Capn Wannabe

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Hi all..
This is an abridged version of my story..

On January 8th 2020, my 18 month relationship ended.
It was a wonderful relationship, with a wonderful person.  I truly believed we'd be together for the rest of our lives.  Out of the blue, she told me it was over.
I still don't understand why, and it's killing me.
Between January and February, she told me she still loved me, told me if it was just her and I things would be perfect, told me to give it a few months.  At the end of February, she told me we had no chance.
In March, I went to her place a couple of times, although nothing happened between us, and I'd leave with a hug.  Then, on Easter Sunday, she came around to my place out of the blue, and told me she still had feelings for me.  The next morning, she said "This is so wrong"
Nothing much happened in April, but life took a massive turn for me when my dad died in early May.  She was fantastic to me that day.
It was her birthday a few days later, then Mother's Day.  I went around on Mother's Day after she had texted me, and I could tell she was in a bad way.  I ended up staying the night.
Then, about once a month, I'd go over, and end up staying the night.
Things changed again around 2 months ago.  I told her off about the mixed messages she'd been sending me, and she ended up blocking me on Facebook.  The next week, she unblocked me, and the week after that, she sent me photos of her new car.  It was as if nothing had happened.  Two weeks later, she came around to my place again.
Now, 5 weeks later, and I've heard nothing from her.....something tells me I will, though.  One day.

I miss her terribly, and I love her unconditionally.  I feel lonely and isolated, despite having three kids living with me full time.  I have friends I can call, but none of them understands what I'm going through....they offer advice ranging from give her space to walk or run away.  I don't know what to do.

I talk to a psychologist.  He says he believes she may be bipolar, have self esteem issues.  He says she may not think she deserves me, and she may be pushing me away because of this.  We know she suffers from severe depression and doesn't medicate.  He hasn't really offered any advice as to what I should do.

I hate this feeling.  I hate the loneliness, the feelings of isolation.  I hate what it's doing to me, but try as I might, I can't walk away, because I know she needs someone she can absolutely rely on.  Even though she treats me like crap, I want to be there when she needs me.

At this point, I don't know what else to write.  There is a lot more to this story, but it eludes me.  For now..
 
First off, welcome to the forum!

Second, Wow! That really sucks! I would like to tell you something insightful but there's really not much to say. Dealing with someone that has mental illness, which it sounds like she has, can be very difficult and very frustrating. Have you discussed her seeking counseling during one of her good periods? Maybe you could invite her to one of your counseling sessions and tell her it's for you not her. Then the psychologist could somewhat evaluate her and possibly set her up with a couple sessions maybe.

Otherwise you'll have to just stay in an orbiting pattern until you no longer can. Maybe you might meet someone else during one of her bad periods and forget about her. It sounds like that's what your friends want you to do. It definitely would make your life easier. Although, I could see her continuing to come back out of the blue for years to come. That could create all kinds of crazy problems.

Have you ever watched:
[img=400x600]https://media.movieassets.com/stati...rs/6063f947e84757badecad82c4a22582d.jpg[/img]
 
G'day Finished..

I have never discussed any sort of counseling with her, and right now, that's impossible.  I would love to get her in front of my psych, but I fear it's too late for that.
I have been talking on and off with her best friend.  She (the BF) was really worried about her a few weeks ago, even a few months ago, and told me she was spiraling.  BF has also told me that in 32 years, she's never seen her react like this with an ex boyfriend, and that she's an idiot for letting me go.....I must admit I got a bit of an ego boost out of that one..

There's not much I can do at the moment, given she's not talking to me at the moment, except to reach out every now and again, and let her know I'm still around.

As for finding someone else, that's not going to happen.  I have zero interest in any sort of relationship or intimacy with another woman.
 
Well................... How does BF look? Ha! Ha! The common interest could bring you together. It would be like a Hallmark movie or something. Oh well, it sounds like time is the only answer to your problem. You can't force people to get help.
 
This reminds me very much of what happened with my previous relationship. We were together proper for around 6 years, then split and lived our own lives for 18 months. In those 18 months, we talked regularly on the phone, even saw each-other occasionally despite the distance (I'd moved back home 100 miles away). It was a friendship and it was ok, I kept telling her to see new people and get a happy relationship going. All the while she behaved very much as you describe above, sharing pics and family news, not talking for a couple of weeks, getting back in touch and chatting like old times. It was an odd mix!

She then got a job not far from me, and from there ensued a messy 18 month friendship/relationship thing. She was awful with money, we argued a lot, the writing was on the wall but the good times were good. In the end, we had a final conversation where we agreed we didn't have a long term future. I expected things to revert to pure friends, but instead she cut me out cold. When she did talk to me again months later she was a different person and she had a different look in her eyes. It was very strange, but she'd completely moved on.

How does this relate to your case? My advice, keep things straight and simple. You are either in a relationship or not in a relationship, anything in between is messy and can cause more damage. Yes you love her openly, but if it isn't something she wants long term you have to respectfully end it and keep on good terms.

My gut feeling is that you're a great guy and that she loves you and likes having you around, but that there's something that bugs her. Sit down, have a direct conversation about what she wants from the relationship and keep a sharp eye out for hesitation.

I think I would have had a friend in my ex if we hadn't dived back in and got things in a mess second time around.
 
Yeti1980 said:
My gut feeling is that you're a great guy and that she loves you and likes having you around, but that there's something that bugs her. Sit down, have a direct conversation about what she wants from the relationship and keep a sharp eye out for hesitation.

It's too late for a conversation.  She hasn't contacted me for 6 weeks now.  I sent her a brief message last weekend, but got no reply....not that I was expecting one.  In some ways I feel like she's used me over the last few months, but funnily enough, that doesn't really bother me.
I suspect she has found another man....again, that doesn't really bother me.
The friendship is what I miss the most - we've known each other for 9 years, and throwing that away upsets me greatly.
I have moments most days, getting choked up when I think of certain things, remembering all the great times we had together.

I'm starting to think that she can't be just friends, that even though we're over, she still wants me.  And that's why she's pulled away so much.

But with all that said, I still see a future with her.  Not today, not tomorrow, but at some point.
The thing is, we both have kids - she has 3 boys, and I have 2 girls and one boy.  Mine live with me 100% of the time as their mother lives over the other side of the country.  My son is 21, my girls are 17 and 14.  My 17yo is moving to live with her mother at the end of the year - she's starting uni there.
We obviously can't live together because of this, and I think that's what she wanted.
 
I can sympathise completely with what you say about lost friendship, it can be a very painful thing.
Perhaps she will come back to you as you say, who knows? In the mean time, you're a good guy and it's only honest of you to still cherish the memories and have the feelings.

I really wish you all the best, that thing called love is tougher than people make out and you're not alone in struggling to make sense of things.
 
Well, things have changed somewhat in the last 24 hours.  I've discovered that she's unfriended my daughters on FB, and that ticks me off a bit.  I understand why she'd unfriend me, but why my girls?
 
Her best friend came over on the weekend, first to my place, then to hers. I had a chat with the friend while she was at mine, and told her what I needed to know.
On Sunday, I got a message saying that my ex thinks I can't cope with being just friends, and so she's cut all contact, hence the FB unfriendings.
The thing is, I *can* cope with being just friends. What I can't cope with is not knowing.
Not knowing whether I can text without getting my head bitten off, or my ex saying she doesn't care.
Not knowing whether we're actually friends or not - I haven't been treated like one in I don't know how long.
Not knowing whether she likes me or hates me.
Not knowing whether 9 years of friendship is down the tubes.
All I want is to be treated with just a little respect, and to know.
 
And we're done.  Well, I gave it a red hot go, but her final message really hits home.  I guess there were things I could have done differently, but there's no point in looking for the where's and how's.  It's very sad - we were so good together - but I should be happy we had something once.
 
Last night, at around 11pm, my ex called me.  She was upset because one of her cats was very sick - it had been throwing up since around 4, and was very lethargic.  She didn't know what to do. I went around and had a look at the cat.  The poor thing couldn't stand up, and had vomit on it's fur, so I told her to take it to a 24hr vet.  We took it into to the local one, they ran some tests, and determined it had been bitten by a brown snake.
I had driven off to get some coffees, and when I came back, she was on the phone to the vet, and had been given two choices.  The choices she was faced with were either pay $2800 and maybe the cat would recover, or to have it euthanised.  She chose the latter, and was crying when I returned with the coffees.  She then went in to say her goodbyes, and asked if I would be with the cat when it was put to sleep. (She can't watch that kind of thing.)
She was crying in the car when I came out, but calmed down when I told her her cat had passed quickly and quietly.
We then went back to her place, had a coffee, and I went home.

While we were waiting in the car to go into the vet, I noticed she was texting some bloke. While this doesn't particularly bother me, I can't help but ask.....where was he? How come she called me out, and not him?
 
Congratulations! You have become her door mat. You are there when nobody else is available or doesn't want to be bothered. That's all you are to her. I watched a friend play that role for ten years even after the woman got married. He was always there to rescue her and then she would go silent until next time. He even tried to drag me into the mess by helping him move her crap for her.

The smartest thing to do is ghost her like she's ghosting you. I know you won't do that because you have some need to be abused and not treated with respect. You can say you are just hanging out in the background waiting for things to become normal again. But, they never will.

Put your energy into someone else where it can be an investment instead of a black hole.
 
Okay, now wait a minute before you go calling him her doormat.

Did she have the cat while you two were together? If she did, I wouldn't say she's using him. When my cat got sick, I called my ex too because he was with me the majority of the time I had her. I even got the cat from his aunt and uncle. I called him, not because I wanted to use him, but because I thought he would understand and help me better than anyone else could because he knew how much that cat meant to me and he was also fond of the cat.

If she didn't have the cat while you were together, maybe she felt more comfortable with you seeing her that way than anyone else, so that is why she asked you for help and not someone else. Or maybe she was using you. I have no idea, you have no idea and no one else (except her) has any idea. The worst thing you can do is jump to conclusions. In the end, you chose to help her, so even if she was just using you, that's on you. (sorry, but it's true)
 
She's had the cat for about 7 years, and I've known her for 9. I also have two cats of my own....in fact, when she called me, she mentioned that I was a cat person. I'm not really, I just like them.
I know it's on me for helping her, however, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I didn't. Something about treating others how you expect to be treated. Even though she's treated me like crap lately, I'm not going to do the same.
 
In that case, I'd say she felt the most comfortable going to you for help in that situation, because you've known her so long and you know the cat.
Personally, I would not fault her for this situation. Yes, it's hard to see her again and help her with something like that, but you did the right thing. A sick pet or friend or whatever is always a good reason to help someone, even if they haven't treated you well.
 
It's not just about the cat in his circumstance.

Jeopardy Game show answer: Things a doormat says and does for $1000?

Capn Wannabe said:
Something about treating others how you expect to be treated.  Even though she's treated me like crap lately, I'm not going to do the same.

iu
 
Capn Wannabe said:
my ex thinks I can't cope with being just friends, and so she's cut all contact, hence the FB unfriendings.
Capn Wannabe said:
The thing is, I *can* cope with being just friends.
Capn Wannabe said:
While we were waiting in the car to go into the vet, I noticed she was texting some bloke.  While this doesn't particularly bother me, I can't help but ask.....where was he?  How come she called me out, and not him?

Well, I think she's right. It doesn't look like you can cope with just being friends. Even the fact that you made this thread shows she means more than a friend. I don't think you'd make a thread like this about a male friend.

My first thought actually was why she contacted you instead of a vet. Maybe you have experience with animals or medical knowledge or something that could have helped her decide what was wrong with her cat?

What if the bloke she texted is just another guy in her friendzone and not someone she's in a relationship with?

Allegedly you just want to be her friend and simply rushed to her rescue like any good friend would. So why does it make you wonder where another male contact she has is? If she was a guy and you rushed over to take a look at his cat and then he texted some other friend or woman he was sexually involved with, would you have the same doubts? If you're just such a good friend, then why does it matter to you where some third person is? Do you need 3 people to decide the cat is sick? Or do you think what you did is part of the role of a romantic partner and you wonder why she doesn't see you in that role although you do the job, and why some other bloke gets the prize instead? Is that why it doesn't sit quite comfortably with you?

If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't. Why doesn't matter. You are looking for reasons to believe it can't be true that she doesn't want to be with you anymore to feed your illusion and hopes. You are making excuses why it's ok and good for you to stay in contact with her. I know it's hard but the best thing is to let go and move forward.
 
Well, I think she's right. It doesn't look like you can cope with just being friends. Even the fact that you made this thread shows she means more than a friend. I don't think you'd make a thread like this about a male friend.

Yes, she does mean more to me than just a friend, but I can put that aside.  There was a period earlier this year when we were "just friends", and it was working fine.

My first thought actually was why she contacted you instead of a vet. Maybe you have experience with animals or medical knowledge or something that could have helped her decide what was wrong with her cat?

I have two cats myself, and have been brought up with cats constantly in my life.  That's about it for my experience with them.  Certainly no medical knowledge, apart from knowing when you should take an animal to the vet.

Allegedly you just want to be her friend and simply rushed to her rescue like any good friend would. So why does it make you wonder where another male contact she has is? If she was a guy and you rushed over to take a look at his cat and then he texted some other friend or woman he was sexually involved with, would you have the same doubts? If you're just such a good friend, then why does it matter to you where some third person is? Do you need 3 people to decide the cat is sick? Or do you think what you did is part of the role of a romantic partner and you wonder why she doesn't see you in that role although you do the job, and why some other bloke gets the prize instead? Is that why it doesn't sit quite comfortably with you?

It's a different kind of relationship - for me - between two blokes, and a bloke and a woman, especially when you were involved with the woman romantically.  Maybe the bloke was in the friendzone, maybe it was her boss and she was texting him to say she wouldn't be into work on Monday....I don't know.  I'm just a bit curious.
If she is romantically involved with him then yes, it's his job to be there, not mine.

If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't. Why doesn't matter. You are looking for reasons to believe it can't be true that she doesn't want to be with you anymore to feed your illusion and hopes. You are making excuses why it's ok and good for you to stay in contact with her.

No, I'm not staying in contact with her.  She contacted me and I responded.  Subtle difference, but it's there.  And just for the record, I would have done this for *any* of my friends, male or female.
 

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