Feeling lonely

Hi everyone. I’m brand new to this forum and I’m not sure how to start or put my feelings into words effectively but here goes. 

I’m male and 23. I’ve reached a point in my life where I feel like I’ve come to a brick wall. I’m currently studying as a post graduate at university, I live at home, and I have a few friends but not the sort where we chat 24/7, just usually at university and occasional texting etc. I’m only in university a day or two a week (when it isn’t a coronavirus lockdown) and so I go in, I see my friends, I study, I go home. The other 6/7 days of the week I’m at home working on the big workload that I have for my course, and I spend the majority of the day on my own in the house. 

People always tell me they bet I’m really happy but I’m not. Sure I have great grades, education, a few friends, a supportive family, but it all just feels limited I suppose I could say. My friends and family see me as this totally together guy, in the sense that I have my career planed and my head is screwed on. But in reality I’m suffering from this never ending loneliness.

Everyone around me is seeing progress. They achieve new things, they get into great relationships, they make some new good friends, they’re getting married, having kids, getting to experience new and exciting experiences. And it just feels like all of these things aren’t going to happen to me. I want to have an exciting life, a life where it would feel fresh and although there would ups and downs I would learn from it and become a better person. For me it feels like I’m just sitting at a train station platform waiting for a train that is never going to come. I don’t even have those opportunities to learn from.

My friends go home at the end of a day at uni and through social media and talking to them I see their exciting lives resume, for me it’s as if I’m purely an extra in a TV show. I feel like I merely exist to support the main characters in my life and then they leave, I go home and I disappear until there’s a new storyline where I’m needed to make a supporting appearance.

It almost feels like although I’m not always physically alone, I could be standing in a crowd of everyone I know but feel so lonely inside, or sometimes I just feel ‘nothing’. It makes me feel as though all of my personal relationships are somehow superficial in some way when actually I’m sure these people do care about me in some way or another but I just can’t seem to connect or something.

There are things I’d love to be able to do to attempt to turn things around and start something exciting. For example I feel in love with one of my friends, but how could I ever declare that when I fear that if I was rejected it could set me back even more with my low confidence. And even if I did go for it I just have no idea how or what to do because socially I just feel so distant. 

My confidence is very low and that feeds into low self esteem, I feel like this makes it even harder for me to try to see a way out of the cycle of having that alone feeling. I lost my father as a child and I often think that this has had a big impact throughout my life, growing up and into my early adult years. I miss having that male role model in my life and I’ve missed out on that support and guidance. Maybe it’s a factor, maybe not, I’m not certain. 

I’m not sure what I hope for by posting this but it feels like getting something off my chest. I just hope that I’m not alone in feeling some of these things.

Thank you if you read this far. 

I really identify with the feeling that everyone around me is busy living his or her life and can't or won't bother with me.  I'm not able to work for a living because my disability makes it hard.  So my life has been pretty much stagnant since graduating from college and I'm just waiting around for the inevitable.  My dad came down hard on me one day when I brought up the topic of feeling forgotten. He basically told me my situation isn't ever going to change, so forget about or find a new hobby.  People just get busy and wrapped up with their own lives. They don't do it to be mean; it just happens, and they'd rather not be bothered. That last statement really irritated me because it basically means they're selfish with their time and rather not help a friend with a problem that all-to-often goes unnoticed.  My brother used to get me supper Saturday nights to give my mom a break.  I really enjoyed my time with him even though it was only couple hrs spent watching TV.  He was a big part of my extremely small social network. Well, he unexpectantly passed New Year's Day, and now my mom comes for supper every night without any break.  A friend offered to help once in a while, but that got old and now she sucks at even replying to my messages.  I think she got tired with me texting her every week.  It did give me something to look forward to every week and helped quell the loneliness.  It doesn't take a Psychology major to understand that I was expecting her to fill the void my brother left.  But, is it too much for me to ask friends whom I really like to hang with me on a regular basis?  Many people don't have this problem, and I'd like to know what makes them different from people who do have this problem.

Blue20 said:

Hi everyone........ 

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Hello and welcome to the forum!

You are definitely not alone feeling the way you are. I believe many people feel this way. I'm sure there are girls near you that feel the same way too. But, you'll never make a connection because neither of you are making a real effort to meet someone and you don't have a circle of friends that can "hook" you up. So, you have to suck it up and take charge. The truth is nobody really gives a honeysuckle about you. Some are even jealous because you appear to be doing well. It sounds like you haven't been naturally blessed with connecting with girls. 

So, unfortunately, you are going to have to learn to deal with rejection. I have it! It really sucks! You are going to have to be aggressive to find a girl. Keep trying different techniques and failing at them. Eventually you will find someone that buys off on some line of crap or is lonely and happy that someone is showing so much interest in them. But, ask out a lot of girls outside of your normal area to gain practice before trying on the locals. 

Boomhauer is a mess. But, he always has a girlfriend because he asks everybody out. 95% of them say no, slaps him, etc, etc, etc. Sure, he's a cartoon character, King of the Hill, but that technique can work. There are many girls that are shy and are just waiting to be asked out. Keep in mind that one has more success playing the game instead of just asking someone out right off the bat though. Learn to play the game before you get old as it gets more difficult the older you get.

Ya. College days can be that way. I remember a few years like that. One good outlet I found was to join a Christian singles group. We had some great discussions on a variety of topics - then some really good fellowship with folks my age. We would enjoy hiking, barbecues, watch football together, etc. Just one idea. Prayers that you find a good group for you!