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Grimm89

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Hello all,

I was a member of this site some years back under a different name and truthfully don't remember the log in email or password I used. But that isn't why I am here. 

Some years ago, I came to this website after my then fiancée convinced me to move with her.  Between the time she moved and I moved (about 2 months) she began to see someone she worked with and didn't tell me until I got there. My life was hell for a long time but I eventually made peace with it, or so I thought. Fast forward to today, I am remarried to an amazing woman who makes everyday better just by being there. But with time comes maturity, I realized what I am doing in life (Living area and work related) is continuing to hold me down from moving where I really want to live. Here I am now 31 and I still don't feel like I have my life together. 

Some back story on my wife before I get to the next part. My wife suffers from a muscular disorder that will cause her muscle tissue to rapidly deteriorate around the time she turns 40. It will eventually cause her be in a wheel chair. I know that and have no problems with that.

Now to get back to the reason I made this forum post. My wife has since the day I meet her told me that she wants to be a mother. I didn't mind the idea because I would like to be a father. Things haven't been successful though and the doctors have said that her muscular disorder likely makes it so she could never have children. Now less than a month ago I turned 31 and she is 27. She told me on my birthday if I turn 35 and we don't have children she will divorce me so I can have the life I deserve. It hurt to hear but I passed it off as just being upset. But she has continued to say nearly everyday. Mentally I am feeling drained between trying to get things together to move next year and to process her possibly leaving me. I had a lot of mental relapses if you can call it that, in the past week to 10 days. I been looking up old friends and messages through the years trying to see why I can't get people to talk to me. I even looked up my ex who caused me problems all those years ago. I don't want anything really from her but I don't know I just feel like I need someone to talk to. 

Someone please tell me what I should do? My wife is literally the only person to ever love me back, that didn't leave me.
 
Hi Grimm,

Sorry to hear about all those questions and doubts bouncing around in your mind, it's no wonder you feel like you need to talk to someone.

What needs to happen here is that you need to make it clear that your wife doesn't really have a choice when it comes to you "living the life you deserve". It's your life and you decide what you do with it, and if you've decided and told her that you're not leaving her then it's the end of the discussion. Life isn't always rosy and marriage can get rocky, either for personal reasons or health or whatever. Someone being ill doesn't invalidate a marriage, "in sickness and in health".

You still have time to have children, who knows, it might happen. Even if it doesn't there are options such as adoption or even something like surrogacy. I can well imagine that she feels awful about not being able to have children, but it isn't the end of the world.

Regards your work and career, it can often feel as though we're not making progress or that we are somehow less than what we are supposed to be. Feeling held back/stuck in a rut, call it what you will, is a really common thing. What matters is that you have a job, you have some income and you have options for the future. It's probably true that very few people feel that they are in the perfect job or following a perfect career path.

Wishing you all the best.
 
"What you deserve" is, IMO, a line of bullshit. What you deserve, what you want, what you need and what you get are all very different things. You definitely do need to talk to her and make her understand that you want her. You would rather have her than children.

Now, even if she can't get pregnant herself, there are other options, like Yeti said You have IVF, you have surrogacy, you have adoption. It might not be the same, but think of all those children out there who desperately want/need parents.
 
Wow that sounds like a really difficult sitation. Does she think despite telling you daily for the next 4 years that she'll leave you that you can have a good harmonious marriage? Why does it make sense to her to wait until you are 35? Ask her these things. She seems to be getting some kick out of telling something emotionally destructive to herself and to you, maybe she thinks she deserves it, but I don't think she actually wants to leave you.
 
Yeti1980 said:
Hi Grimm,

Sorry to hear about all those questions and doubts bouncing around in your mind, it's no wonder you feel like you need to talk to someone.

What needs to happen here is that you need to make it clear that your wife doesn't really have a choice when it comes to you "living the life you deserve". It's your life and you decide what you do with it, and if you've decided and told her that you're not leaving her then it's the end of the discussion. Life isn't always rosy and marriage can get rocky, either for personal reasons or health or whatever. Someone being ill doesn't invalidate a marriage, "in sickness and in health".

You still have time to have children, who knows, it might happen. Even if it doesn't there are options such as adoption or even something like surrogacy. I can well imagine that she feels awful about not being able to have children, but it isn't the end of the world.

Regards your work and career, it can often feel as though we're not making progress or that we are somehow less than what we are supposed to be. Feeling held back/stuck in a rut, call it what you will, is a really common thing. What matters is that you have a job, you have some income and you have options for the future. It's probably true that very few people feel that they are in the perfect job or following a perfect career path.

Wishing you all the best.


The sad thing is I have told her that it is upsetting me but she will tell me that she is a broken person and that I should just leave her if she can't have children. We have looked into treatment and IVF but it is quite expensive just for a try. She also said that having a miscarriage would be worse than having no child at all. As for work, I don''t know it just feels like everyone around me has amazing jobs that can afford them to do a lot of things. The two of us have discussed moving for years but truthfully it is my job that has held me here. I work on a yearly contract, and every year I have told them my desires to move and every year they have given me a raise so I wouldn't move. But were not happy living in this area. 


TheRealCallie said:
"What you deserve" is, IMO, a line of bullshit.  What you deserve, what you want, what you need and what you get are all very different things. You definitely do need to talk to her and make her understand that you want her.  You would rather have her than children. 

Now, even if she can't get pregnant herself, there are other options, like Yeti said  You have IVF, you have surrogacy, you have adoption.  It might not be the same, but think of all those children out there who desperately want/need parents.


I do and I have but she said all she has wanted since she was a little girl was to be a mother. Now she just tells me if she can't do it she is a broken person. Yes I have looked into IVF but she has been telling me she is afraid it would lead to a miscarriage because of her body. I don't know what to do because it started off as just a comment and now it's like an ongoing thing I hear through out the day.

Myra said:
Wow that sounds like a really difficult sitation. Does she think despite telling you daily for the next 4 years that she'll leave you that you can have a good harmonious marriage? Why does it make sense to her to wait until you are 35? Ask her these things. She seems to be getting some kick out of telling something emotionally destructive to herself and to you, maybe she thinks she deserves it, but I don't think she actually wants to leave you.

I am not sure but I told her I wouldn't leave her. She told me last night we could get a place together and she would sleep in the other room while I started my own family in the other room. Like who even thinks of stuff like that? She still wants to try for another 4 years she told me. I don't think she does but she just keeps saying things like why would you want to stay with someone who is broken?
 
If she keeps repeating that she is broken, it's more about her than you. She will say it's about you, but deep down, it's not. She doesn't want to be a burden, she doesn't want to be the cause of your unhappiness. She doesn't want to ruin your life. So it's based on you, but it's about how she feels about herself, if that makes sense. It will take a while for her to understand, just keep reinforcing that you want HER.

You didn't say anything about the option of adopting.

Do you guys have pets? If you don't, maybe you should start there. Give her something to take care of, show her that she can do it. Show her that other living beings can love her too.
 
TheRealCallie said:
If she keeps repeating that she is broken, it's more about her than you.  She will say it's about you, but deep down, it's not.  She doesn't want to be a burden, she doesn't want to be the cause of your unhappiness.  She doesn't want to ruin your life.  So it's based on you, but it's about how she feels about herself, if that makes sense.  It will take a while for her to understand, just keep reinforcing that you want HER.

You didn't say anything about the option of adopting.

Do you guys have pets? If you don't, maybe you should start there.  Give her something to take care of, show her that she can do it. Show her that other living beings can love her too.


I am trying but I can't even sleep at night because I am scared that's what she wants.

We talked about it and she said she would but she is adamant on having kids of her own. 

We have 1 dog and 1 cat as of right now. She plays with them a lot but then she says things like they will be the closest thing to kids I will ever have.
 
Is there a thrid person who you could talk about the situation together? A family member or close friend? Maybe it will help her see reality better.
But I think it is just a matter of time until she will come to terms with not being able to have children of her own, and she will surely regain clarity of thought again.

And you don't have to be lying awake worrying she'll leave you in 5 years. Her view is just scewed at the moment but the emotionns will calm down, long before those 5 years are over.
 
Myra said:
Is there a thrid person who you could talk about the situation together? A family member or close friend? Maybe it will help her see reality better.
But I think it is just a matter of time until she will come to terms with not being able to have children of her own, and she will surely regain clarity of thought again.

And you don't have to be lying awake worrying she'll leave you in 5 years. Her view is just scewed at the moment but the emotionns will calm down, long before those 5 years are over.


Not really. Most the family have a lot going on and as for friends there hasn't been a lot of communication there in years. I hope so, but now she is buying ovulation kits and other things to try and make sure she gets pregnant. 

I know that I shouldn't but due to things in the past I know the feeling of someone leaving. I hope so. She has talked about wanting kids since we meet but now it's like a constant.
 

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