How to get rid of ghosts from the past?

alexandra93 · Oct 30, 2020

Hello again everyone! I hope y'all doing alright.
I am wondering if anyone around here feels trapped somehow in the past, do the memory of ex-relationships haunt you at all at night?
They haunt me. All my bad memories. They all attack me when I try to fall asleep at night. All the painful words everyone ever said to me, they are being replayed in my mind, on and on. It's exhausting. Sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore. When I go to work in the morning, I carefully place one step in front of the other concentrating on my walk, trying to distract myself from all the things that hurt me in the past. I feel as if my cup is filled. I feel as if I gave up all that was best in me and now there is nothing good left in me.. I feel hollow and I walk without direction. It's driving me insane. It's the reason I had to take a break from this forum, I couldn't even do anything lately other than existing(eating, breathing,walking, etc.) I need a lifeline, I need something to make me feel alive again and free from all my fears and all my past. I despise my past, I despise everything that happened to me... I need peace. I need to find my peace again. Tell me how you managed to find some kind of peace... Give me an advice, anything I could hold on to. I feel desperate and lost and I can't do this anymore, I can't keep pretending that I am fine... I am not fine at all, I feel like I'm dying inside. Am so sorry for complaining but I cannot keep silent anymore.. I need help, any kind of help from anyone.. Please...

Alyosha · Oct 30, 2020

Those sorts of ghosts can be tough to deal with. I try to keep in mind that what I've experienced and endured in the past has left me equipped to be successful in the future. Hurtful things that were said and done to me have made me aware of the sort of treatment I should not tolerate. Acknowledging my own mistakes enables me to avoid committing such errors again. The present might be really challenging, but by getting through it, we're giving ourselves the chance to discover new opportunities and make the most of them. And this seems like a very nice place to talk about such things and receive feedback, so one needn't feel completely alone in the struggle.

alexandra93 · Oct 30, 2020

Thank you for replying to this thread! Your reply is very helpful!
You said "I've experienced and endured in the past has left me equipped to be successful in the future"... Can you please tell me what exactly motivated you to use the pain as fuel in your journey to become successful? When I look at my pain it makes me go crazy, it makes me feel helpless and without defence, it makes me feel ashamed and guilty...

Alyosha · Oct 30, 2020

alexandra93 said:
Thank you for replying to this thread! Your reply is very helpful!
You said "I've experienced and endured in the past has left me equipped to be successful in the future"... Can you please tell me what exactly motivated you to use the pain as fuel in your journey to become successful? When I look at my pain it makes me go crazy, it makes me feel helpless and without defence, it makes me feel ashamed and guilty...

I'm very familiar with those feelings of shame and guilt. But I think there's a lot of pride to be had in getting out of bad situations, and there's a lot of strength to be garnered by learning from mistakes. That growth and learning would mean nothing, though, if I let pain and regret get the best of me. I know that the past can be really hard to look back on, and the present can be extremely difficult to deal with, but I would encourage you to focus not just on how experiences in the future can be a lot more positive, but also on how you're now in position to find and make the most of positive opportunities based on what you've overcome and the fact that you have the will to keep trying despite all of that adversity. It isn't easy to keep trying, and I really think you should be proud of yourself for it.

alexandra93 · Oct 30, 2020

Alyosha said:
alexandra93 said:

Thank you for replying to this thread! Your reply is very helpful!
You said "I've experienced and endured in the past has left me equipped to be successful in the future"... Can you please tell me what exactly motivated you to use the pain as fuel in your journey to become successful? When I look at my pain it makes me go crazy, it makes me feel helpless and without defence, it makes me feel ashamed and guilty...

Click to expand...

I'm very familiar with those feelings of shame and guilt. But I think there's a lot of pride to be had in getting out of bad situations, and there's a lot of strength to be garnered by learning from mistakes. That growth and learning would mean nothing, though, if I let pain and regret get the best of me. I know that the past can be really hard to look back on, and the present can be extremely difficult to deal with, but I would encourage you to focus not just on how experiences in the future can be a lot more positive, but also on how you're now in position to find and make the most of positive opportunities based on what you've overcome and the fact that you have the will to keep trying despite all of that adversity. It isn't easy to keep trying, and I really think you should be proud of yourself for it.

Your words of encouragement help me a lot and I am sure they don't only help me but also other people around here who are in my situation.
I must learn to enjoy the present, indeed. But what about the inability of forgetting bad things? Must I always live with the memory of my mistakes, the memory of my pain? Will I have to always distract myself from these? What will happen when I get tired, will they all eat me alive then? Why do I feel like crying over things that happened months or even years ago? Yes I keep trying to fight those ghosts but the moment I let the guard down they surround me. And I'm afraid and I... I just need to say it out loud that I am afraid, that I'm tired of fighting...Do you think they would let go of me if I surrender completely to this feeling of hopelessness? Or will they come even stronger then, tearing me apart?

Alyosha · Oct 30, 2020

alexandra93 said:
I must learn to enjoy the present, indeed. But what about the inability of forgetting bad things? Must I always live with the memory of my mistakes, the memory of my pain? Will I have to always distract myself from these? What will happen when I get tired, will they all eat me alive then? Why do I feel like crying over things that happened months or even years ago? Yes I keep trying to fight those ghosts but the moment I let the guard down they surround me. And I'm afraid and I... I just need to say it out loud that I am afraid, that I'm tired of fighting...Do you think they would let go of me if I surrender completely to this feeling of hopelessness? Or will they come even stronger then, tearing me apart?

I think the state of the present has a lot to do with how we look back on the past. When people see long-term hopes and goals come to fruition, the pain of their past can no longer have a stranglehold on them, because they know they were strong enough to overcome it and learn from it en route to better, happier times. But one thing that could deny a person from reaching that point is surrendering to hopelessness, so I sincerely hope you don't do that.

Please don't feel bad about being tired or about struggling with the present, though. It's understandable. I get terribly tired too at times. Try not to let the fears and worries prevent you from enjoying time spent with people around you who care and on activities you're passionate about, if those options are available to you. Even just having some good conversations can help.

RedT · Oct 31, 2020

I think that when you are feeling it, write a letter about your feelings might help. Then rip it up the paper, showing that you are over it.

Remind yourself that you are a good person who deserves to be happy.

Failing that, find someone to sound off to. Reach out if you don't have anyone. One day you'll find your not thinking about it.

Just my thoughts anyway.

Finished · Oct 31, 2020

And......... If that doesn't work you could always call in the Ghost Busters

RedT · Oct 31, 2020

Finished said:
And......... If that doesn't work you could always call in the Ghost Busters

Totally loved that film!

Capn Wannabe · Nov 3, 2020

I suffer from the opposite....every time I think of my ex, I remember the good times we had....and there were lots. I miss those times, and while I'm getting better, sometimes I still tear up. It can come from nowhere at all, just a wave of emotion, and then I'm stuck until it passes.
Just yesterday, I came across a couple of photos, taken a few years before we got together, and she looked beautiful in them. That sent me to rock bottom again.
I guess the big deal for me is we had been friends for seven years before we started dating, and not only have I lost the relationship, I've also lost the friendship.
I tried so hard to be a friend to her over the last 10 months, but she gradually pushed me away, until a couple of weeks ago she told me she wasn't interested in anything.
It sucks.

Finished · Nov 3, 2020

Capn Wannabe said:
I suffer from the opposite....every time I think of my ex, I remember the good times we had....and there were lots. I miss those times, and while I'm getting better, sometimes I still tear up. It can come from nowhere at all, just a wave of emotion, and then I'm stuck until it passes.
Just yesterday, I came across a couple of photos, taken a few years before we got together, and she looked beautiful in them. That sent me to rock bottom again.
I guess the big deal for me is we had been friends for seven years before we started dating, and not only have I lost the relationship, I've also lost the friendship.
I tried so hard to be a friend to her over the last 10 months, but she gradually pushed me away, until a couple of weeks ago she told me she wasn't interested in anything.
It sucks.

That does suck. You get no say in it. Maybe in time she'll change her mind and want to be friends again. I think fondly of the good times with my ex's. But, I'm also very glad they are my ex's. I never managed to stay friends with them though. They were on to the next guy and that was that.

defadog · Nov 5, 2020

Hi Alexandra93 and Canwannabe,
i've just joined and read your threads with interest. i can empathise with both of you. my partner and i have just split and i'm torn between thoughts of what i did to contribute to that, her behaviour, and what good times we had. i'm not sure where my head is at the moment. i sold up and bought a house in a very quiet rural area because she loved it. six months later she's now lodging with my neighbours. i'm trying to get through this but i cant stop thinking of what i should have done better for her, and some of her behaviour towards me. my self esteem and confidence is on the floor. i'm not sure i've ever felt so incapable of doing anything. i apologise for dragging you down, it's selfish of me, but not sure where else to go as i can't think straight. i'm an imperfect human being and fully accept my flaws but i don't feel i deserved the aggression that has been dished out on me.
the best thing to do would be to acknowledge the past, accept the mistakes and the happy times, use them to improve your future. it's hard though. impossible really, to remove the emotion associated with them. also memory plays tricks, making the good times seem better and the mistakes bigger.
T.E Lawrence (of Arabia) has an inscription above the door of his cottage, clouds hill, in dorset. it says 'au phroctis', which tranlsated means 'why worry'. the best advice ever, because everything is fleeting, and one worry is always superceded by another, making the previous one inconsequential. hard to implement though.
oh, thank you for posting your thoughts. makes me feel i'm not alone.

hi again Alexandra 93, also meant to say that 'ad astra per aspera' is something i wrote on a valentine card to an ex partner may years ago. i wrote 'ad astra per aspera manus a mano' which i think translated as 'to the stars hand in hand you and i'. i meant it too, but she had her demons and i had my insecurities. sometimes i wish i were headed to the stars and able to shed off the weight of the past, but what good would that do eh?

alexandra93 · Nov 28, 2020

Alyosha said:
alexandra93 said:

I must learn to enjoy the present, indeed. But what about the inability of forgetting bad things? Must I always live with the memory of my mistakes, the memory of my pain? Will I have to always distract myself from these? What will happen when I get tired, will they all eat me alive then? Why do I feel like crying over things that happened months or even years ago? Yes I keep trying to fight those ghosts but the moment I let the guard down they surround me. And I'm afraid and I... I just need to say it out loud that I am afraid, that I'm tired of fighting...Do you think they would let go of me if I surrender completely to this feeling of hopelessness? Or will they come even stronger then, tearing me apart?

Click to expand...

I think the state of the present has a lot to do with how we look back on the past. When people see long-term hopes and goals come to fruition, the pain of their past can no longer have a stranglehold on them, because they know they were strong enough to overcome it and learn from it en route to better, happier times. But one thing that could deny a person from reaching that point is surrendering to hopelessness, so I sincerely hope you don't do that.

Please don't feel bad about being tired or about struggling with the present, though. It's understandable. I get terribly tired too at times. Try not to let the fears and worries prevent you from enjoying time spent with people around you who care and on activities you're passionate about, if those options are available to you. Even just having some good conversations can help.

I won't surrender to hopelessness, I promise. It's just that I feel so ashamed of my past sometimes. So many bad choices... Anyway.. Talking to people really helps. And so does music. So I will survive.

RedT said:
I think that when you are feeling it, write a letter about your feelings might help. Then rip it up the paper, showing that you are over it.

Remind yourself that you are a good person who deserves to be happy.

Failing that, find someone to sound off to. Reach out if you don't have anyone. One day you'll find your not thinking about it.

Just my thoughts anyway.

Writing a letter... That's really a great idea! Thanks!!!

Finished said:
And......... If that doesn't work you could always call in the Ghost Busters

alexandra93 · Nov 28, 2020

defadog said:
Hi Alexandra93 and Canwannabe,
i've just joined and read your threads with interest. i can empathise with both of you. my partner and i have just split and i'm torn between thoughts of what i did to contribute to that, her behaviour, and what good times we had. i'm not sure where my head is at the moment. i sold up and bought a house in a very quiet rural area because she loved it. six months later she's now lodging with my neighbours. i'm trying to get through this but i cant stop thinking of what i should have done better for her, and some of her behaviour towards me. my self esteem and confidence is on the floor. i'm not sure i've ever felt so incapable of doing anything. i apologise for dragging you down, it's selfish of me, but not sure where else to go as i can't think straight. i'm an imperfect human being and fully accept my flaws but i don't feel i deserved the aggression that has been dished out on me.
the best thing to do would be to acknowledge the past, accept the mistakes and the happy times, use them to improve your future. it's hard though. impossible really, to remove the emotion associated with them. also memory plays tricks, making the good times seem better and the mistakes bigger.
T.E Lawrence (of Arabia) has an inscription above the door of his cottage, clouds hill, in dorset. it says 'au phroctis', which tranlsated means 'why worry'. the best advice ever, because everything is fleeting, and one worry is always superceded by another, making the previous one inconsequential. hard to implement though.
oh, thank you for posting your thoughts. makes me feel i'm not alone.

hi again Alexandra 93, also meant to say that 'ad astra per aspera' is something i wrote on a valentine card to an ex partner may years ago. i wrote 'ad astra per aspera manus a mano' which i think translated as 'to the stars hand in hand you and i'. i meant it too, but she had her demons and i had my insecurities. sometimes i wish i were headed to the stars and able to shed off the weight of the past, but what good would that do eh?

"Why worry" is indeed the best advice. The good thing is that I really feel I will be able to start following that advice . Because as time passes, I begin to care less and less. Time is a good healer, it really numbs the pain. Some say it's better to feel pain than nothing at all. But I don't agree.

"To the stars, hand in hand, you and I"... it sounds really beautiful.. I'm really sorry things didn't work out.

kelsier · Nov 30, 2020

Maybe this won't be helpful, but what I do when I remember something bad, I just let it go. I know that these kind of memories come when they come, but I think the best you can do is thinking that what is done, is done. Just focus on the present and forget the past, this way your worries will fade like shadows under the light.

Alyosha · Nov 30, 2020

alexandra93 said:
Talking to people really helps. And so does music. So I will survive.

You seem to be in much better spirits now, Alexandra; and if that's the case, I am very glad, and I hope that it continues for you.

alexandra93 · Dec 1, 2020

Alyosha said:
alexandra93 said:

Talking to people really helps. And so does music. So I will survive.

Click to expand...

You seem to be in much better spirits now, Alexandra; and if that's the case, I am very glad, and I hope that it continues for you.

Sometimes I feel there's hope for me. Other times I feel awful and hopeless. I guess it just depends on the day. It's like making a car work. You do your best, it works for a while then it fails again. And then you work on it again and it's better for a few more days/weeks... until it damages again. But eventually it will be beyond repair. I guess I will try until there's nothing more I can do.

kelsier said:
Maybe this won't be helpful, but what I do when I remember something bad, I just let it go. I know that these kind of memories come when they come, but I think the best you can do is thinking that what is done, is done. Just focus on the present and forget the past, this way your worries will fade like shadows under the light.

It is helpful. Thank you! Sometimes it's just too hard to live in the present. But I'm trying my best.

Alyosha · Dec 1, 2020

alexandra93 said:
Sometimes I feel there's hope for me. Other times I feel awful and hopeless. I guess it just depends on the day. It's like making a car work. You do your best, it works for a while then it fails again. And then you work on it again and it's better for a few more days/weeks... until it damages again. But eventually it will be beyond repair.

But perhaps then one can move on to an awesome new car, like moving on to a new and better phase of life! A lot of work might be required to reach those points, but I think it can be well worth it.

alexandra93 · Dec 1, 2020

Alyosha said:
alexandra93 said:

Sometimes I feel there's hope for me. Other times I feel awful and hopeless. I guess it just depends on the day. It's like making a car work. You do your best, it works for a while then it fails again. And then you work on it again and it's better for a few more days/weeks... until it damages again. But eventually it will be beyond repair.

Click to expand...

But perhaps then one can move on to an awesome new car, like moving on to a new and better phase of life! A lot of work might be required to reach those points, but I think it can be well worth it.

Your optimism is really contagious.

Look what you've done... How will I be able to write a sad song now..? Ugh..

How to get rid of ghosts from the past?

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

alexandra93

Guest

Well-known member

alexandra93

Guest

Well-known member

alexandra93

Guest

Well-known member

Member

Crossed Out

Member

Member

Crossed Out

New member

alexandra93

Guest

alexandra93

Guest

Well-known member

Well-known member

alexandra93

Guest

Well-known member

alexandra93

Guest

Similar threads

Join the conversation!

Join today and get all the highlights of this community direct to your inbox. It's FREE!