How to cope with loneliness?

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jasonking

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I am 56 yo, and single, I experience loneliness. I am unsure how to address this. Does anyone have any ideas?

I find one problem is my family background is not good, and that during my lifetime has been a significant issue. I find a lot of people seem to have families and that is their main focus. 

It seems to me that social values are narrowly defined and anyone not fitting into that narrowness is left out of social acceptance. Also I see people who have families, seem to endlessly refer to their families and also they get economic benefit from their family circumstances.
 
Just try to make the best out of your life as you can. Everything is rigged for the family unit. The people left out are on their own. The government wants more babies, future tax payers, so the government doesn't care about you. It's just best to focus on yourself and enjoy things on an individual basis. I find that I'm super busy with all my hobbies, traveling, and exploring for it to effect me much. I also realized how much better off I am without other people in my life. For instance, I had my Thanksgiving meal this past Tuesday because it worked best for me. I get to eat all the yummy left overs too. Everything is about me. That part is great!
 
Joining this forum was a good start, so you're already doing something about it.

When I'm feeling lonely, I sometimes go out for a walk just to be in the world. I often see other people, which at least makes me feel like I'm among other people (even if they don't always say "hello" back). At the loneliest times of my life, some years ago now, I would go for walks in busy shopping malls, again, not to shop, but just to feel surrounded by people. After doing a few laps I sometimes had had enough of people and was ready to feel lonely again. But the current state of shopping malls, not to mention the world, may soon may make that an obsolete method.

Online courses can also help to meet people with similar interests. It doesn't work for everyone, though.

But, as said above, find the good things about having your life all to yourself. It's not all bad and comes with some definite advantages at times.

It's good to know how to live a solitary life, because other people can leave suddenly, either intentionally or unintentionally, for any number of reasons. Everyone likely finds themselves alone at some point in their lives. Some are better prepared than others.

Most of all, be good company for yourself.
 
If people leave you out because of something that you have no control over then those people are being very unfair and are not worth the energy to worry about. (I'm pretty sure I have literally just made a similar post :D).

I've learned to not base my feelings about myself on what other people think of me. We live in a society that brainwashes us into believing that we can't be happy and feel good about ourselves unless we have lots of friends and/or are in a relationship. We just have to remind ourselves that we are who we are, not what other people assume that we are based on social prejudice.

As for the loneliness, I just focus on the little things that bring me joy. And reach out where I can (like forums, for instance).
 
jasonking said:
I am 56 yo, and single, I experience loneliness. I am unsure how to address this. Does anyone have any ideas?

I find one problem is my family background is not good, and that during my lifetime has been a significant issue. I find a lot of people seem to have families and that is their main focus. 

It seems to me that social values are narrowly defined and anyone not fitting into that narrowness is left out of social acceptance. Also I see people who have families, seem to endlessly refer to their families and also they get economic benefit from their family circumstances.

Never compare your circumstances to those of others, because that will only make you miserable. Life is not fair, period. Accept it. Some of us were dealt worse cards than others. None of us chose to be here. We just have to use whatever we have to create some occasional moments of happiness. Looking at what those around us who have more than us have doesn't contribute to happiness in any way. What counts is what you have in your own life and not what others have.

(Btw, married people with their nuclear families are miserable too. But they can't walk away from it without social, financial and sometimes psychological repercussions, so they pretend they are fine and even happy with that lifestyle haha. If they have not much else to talk about it's because they barely have time for anything else.)
 
Myra said:
jasonking said:
I am 56 yo, and single, I experience loneliness. I am unsure how to address this. Does anyone have any ideas?

I find one problem is my family background is not good, and that during my lifetime has been a significant issue. I find a lot of people seem to have families and that is their main focus. 

It seems to me that social values are narrowly defined and anyone not fitting into that narrowness is left out of social acceptance. Also I see people who have families, seem to endlessly refer to their families and also they get economic benefit from their family circumstances.

Never compare your circumstances to those of others, because that will only make you miserable. Life is not fair, period. Accept it. Some of us were dealt worse cards than others. None of us chose to be here. We just have to use whatever we have to create some occasional moments of happiness. Looking at what those around us who have more than us have doesn't contribute to happiness in any way. What counts is what you have in your own life and not what others have.

(Btw, married people with their nuclear families are miserable too. But they can't walk away from it without social, financial and sometimes psychological repercussions, so they pretend they are fine and even happy with that lifestyle haha. If they have not much else to talk about it's because they barely have time for anything else.)

I found some of the other posts uplifting - people saying basically me too. But yours seems to basically be saying - they are miserable but hiding it, and attacking life. I did not find that helpful. It is more than a nuclear family, it is social acceptance. 

What I have seen is that some people get a lot of help, eg a private school education, help buying houses, and they socially are enabled. Others get almost no help. Many end up in prison, or taking routes out of life; some disadvantaged people just drop out of mainstream life and end up dying young, drugged out somewhere, or just beaten up.

I think we have to accept who we are. But part of that means accepting that we have disadvantage. As an analogy, think we are all stranded on islands and then told to get free, but some people get boats, some get satellite phones, some key some survivial kits, and then some get nothing. All have the same challenge but for some the answer is starting a boat engine and cruising, others it is dialling a phone number, others it is using a kit and waiting; and for others they have to find water, food, and then wait for rescue.

Also we hear of the self-made man, and simple investigation shows he started with 500,000 dollars from his family and then was self-made. I have heard a 1000 times, that anything is possible, just work hard - said by people who have never worked. I said to one rich guy, you are rich with a big house, three bathrooms, and a big drive way. He replied saying - everyone has that. 

Loneliness is definitely a serious condition. The mind needs comfort. Loneliness can mean isolation. Think loneliness is used to punish people in prison, it has been worked out by professionals that it hurts and is used accordingly. 
 
Families are probably far more of a financial liability than a benefit these days, depending upon where you live. In the United States, raising a child can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars and though some tax breaks exist, they don't make up for paying for school sports (now extremely expensive), college (many countries have free or very low cost education) and everything else that children require.

I also agree that people have to adjust to their situation when they do have children. You can't return them, after all, and there is no turning back once they do enter existence. Though many people wouldn't put it this way, but once you go there, you're trapped. A few friends of mine who have had kids openly told me that they miss their old freedoms and find themselves doing things that they don't always want to do, but feel that they have to. Not only that, the pressure of being a "super parent" can take all of one's free time, or so it seems.

Others, who I know either personally or indirectly, have had children that have grown up to be murderers, drug users or just plan nasty people who just leech off their parents. Few children end up as one would like and there is no guarantee that they will "be there for you" when you're old. Many people say they have had kids to have "someone to take care of them when they're old." Again, no guarantees, but many do find comfort in this despite the long-term bet. One couple, friends of my parents, have had their two sons die in the last ten years. They still have a daughter, but no one probably expects their own children to die when they raise them, but it happens. Like everything, raising a family comes with risks. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes not.

Of course I only "know" all of this vicariously and through observation because I chose to not reproduce. I never wanted to. There are plenty of others around, arguably too many, who can take care of that.

In short, don't think that having one's own family automatically opens up the gates of bliss. It's not for everyone.
 
jasonking said:
I found some of the other posts uplifting - people saying basically me too. But yours seems to basically be saying - they are miserable but hiding it, and attacking life. I did not find that helpful. It is more than a nuclear family, it is social acceptance. 
You want a nuclear family to gain social acceptance from others? Wow. Wow. Wow.
 
I relate to your post. I feel like I lost the ability to focus on the good, in part because I feel like that is always the answer I get when I express my sadness and loneliness. How to deal with these feelings during this pandemic is that much harder. I can't even join anyone for Thanksgiving and it has me really down.
 
jasonking said:
... I experience loneliness. I am unsure how to address this. Does anyone have any ideas?
Here is some things I do to recover from bouts of loneliness:
- visit a bookstore to get inspired.   I can easily spend a couple hours there finding new interest.
- get out doors!  So important to lift my mood.   Look up Shinrin-Yoku (forest bathing)
- recently downloaded app:  All Trails.   Fantastic app to find local trails.   Works great on trail to see where you are and map your movement.   Discover new places!
- create something.   Decide on a project and do it.

I can relate about how others can go on and on about parents and or siblings....   for myself, it takes energy to control that jealousy that brews inside me....     and I hate wasting energy like that.     I am all about diversion 😁
 
I just try to focus on my job and my hobbies. I like to have my tv on when I'm home because it feels like I have some company. I guess that's how I cope with loneliness.
 

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