Ignored and unvalued by people I know!

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I just need to share.  Just fyi I am older than you guys. Well into middle age.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I live in a city where I used to socialize with a few other women my age. We are all in the vegan community and we had that in common.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]A few years back, one of the women and I, formed a social club.  I ended up doing all the work.  I thought she would step up eventually, but then I learned she had no intention of stepping up, and was fine with me doing all the work.  Later, she didn't even want to pay her share!  I wasn't good with this so I asked her to step down.  I wanted a real partner (and I have one now).   I was hurt she used me but I did offer to talk to her about it to "clear the air".  She refused saying, like a high schooler, that she was "cool".  I was so disgusted by her and couldn't believe she would use me.  I also was hurt she refused to clear the air.  Apparently I wasn't even important enough to do that.  I find her to be very lacking self awareness, closed and cold.  Anyways, I decided to stay away from her because the whole thing was just very unkind and juvenile.  I totally lost any good feelings I had of her.  Let's call her "A"[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Meanwhile, I see another person from this community often by chance.  Let's call her "L".  It's so weird, but I have bumped into her and her significant other about 6 times! in local market and farmer's market in the last years.  They are the ONLY people I know who I ever bump into.  Is that not a coincidence? Each time I'd see them we'd chit chat and seem to enjoy ourselves.  At the farmer's market we'd talk too much we forget we were blocking people.  I loaned her a book once.   I never ever tried to see them or meet them, it would just happen.  I just realized tonight how unique that was (not that it means anything to them but it does to me).[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Meanwhile, in these past years I can see that I am "out" of the group.  Maybe because A said bad things about me, I don't know.  I was certain they were socializing without me (for reasons not totally known) but I accepted it.  I did my best to let go and I moved on.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]SO, this Sunday I see "L" and her significant other at the farmer's market again.  This is after not seeing them all during COVID (I had stopped going because of it).  She sees me and warmly says "How are you"????  She seems to mean it.  So we move to the side and we start talking, mostly about COVID issues and the vegan community.  She is kind of unloading her frustration with the vegan community.  I think the conversation is interesting and fun, as usual.  At least for me.  We laugh and smile.  She even says she wants to go to a certain meeting with me.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But I end up getting enormously hurt by them, again.  During the conversation L brings up "A" without thinking how it may make me feel.  I am sure she knows we had a falling out.  She also brought up how they invited "A" to the beach, but "A" wouldn't go without wearing a mask.  She even said "We haven't seen A for months".   Ouch. This hurt because they have NEVER invited me anywhere, even though I reached out to L.  Also, they never cared whether they saw me again for months.  I am sure if  I moved they wouldn't care.  What's worse is her telling me this.  Like she didn't even think how it would make me feel. It's like I am invisible.  [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]What stings also is that I don't even think "A" is very appealing. She is a kind of a cold fish and not particularly warm. But it's not me to tell her who to hang out with.  I can't help but be curious why not me?  Because it we have so much in common and a sort of chemistry. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The whole thing shook me up for a long time after.  I can't help but wonder "Why don't they invite me"?  "What is wrong with me that I am not invited"?  "Why don't I matter"?, "Why don't they think of my feelings when they are discussing others?  It's like I have zero value or I am invisible.  Also I think "Why are they having conversations with me, are friendly to me, but couldn't care less if they don't see me? [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I just can't understand it.  I so WISH I understood WHY I am left out.  I have realized a long time ago, I will often not understand why people are the way they are and I probably can't know. I have reached peace with that until now. But I so WISH I could know WHY. If I knew why maybe I could make peace with it.  Maybe I could understand it.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I started thinking more. Why do they like to talk to me but never care to socialize with me?  Maybe she just wanted to vent about COVID?  Maybe I am just a convenience?  I don't know.   They don't ignore me when they bump into me.  [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]It's very painful. It's triggered all sorts of things. It leaves me confused.  I cannot find my joy right now.  I feel "not good enough" and I don't know why.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I've decided to avoid them.  I never consciously tried to bump into them but if I go to that market, I will go later.  And if I see them, I don't think I'll stop and talk to them anymore. I'll just smile and walk my way.  It's just too hurtful and I am tired of hiding my feelings. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Have any suggestions? Experienced anything like I did?  Have any healing techniques or ways I can look at it so I release this pain?  How to heal my sense of self?  This left me feeling like a nothing.   [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]One thing I've learned from this. I don't want to make anyone feel the way I do.  I don't want to give mixed signals, I don't want others to feel rejected and invisible because of my thoughtlessness.[/font]

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[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]After writing this I think I had a realization.  I think she liked talking to me Sunday because she needed someone to vent with about the COVID issue and I would be the one who would understand her.  But she doesn't want more from me.  She just wanted me as a release. Sigh.  Do you guys have any intuitive hits?[/font]

HappyYogi said:

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]After writing this I think I had a realization.  I think she liked talking to me Sunday because she needed someone to vent with about the COVID issue and I would be the one who would understand her.  But she doesn't want more from me.  She just wanted me as a release. Sigh.  Do you guys have any intuitive hits?[/font]

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That's right. People are selfish. If you look at situations through other's eyes, knowing they are selfish, then you can easily figure out their motivations. If they come to you without being requested or for some reward then you can believe they have some genuine interest in you. It's a simple test to see if your "friends" actually care about you or not. Often times you'll discover that you are the only one holding the relationship together. Once you are aware of that you can decided if you want to keep it going or not. Make it your decision and don't be the victim. That's what they are doing.

Thank You.  I still hurt because I don't understand why I am not deserving of affection but I am not going to respond to her anymore.

You know, reading your posts, there are A LOT of assumptions. You admit you don't know, but yet you listed off several assumptions in this one post. If you don't know, you don't know. Making assumptions will only make things worse for yourself.

If you enjoy talking to this person, I don't understand why you would stop. I'm sure she would listen if you wanted to vent about something when you run into her at the farmer's market.

Thanks Callie.   I'll try not to assume things.

However, I cannot imagine her not remembering that I had asked her to meet sometime. 

I don't know.  I will try to be neutral but I don't think I am going to be so warm.  

Not sure I want to chat with them because it left me so reeling and hurt.

I would imagine forgetting something right now would be pretty likely, given the state of the world and people during the pandemic. Did you remind her about the meeting?
You said that you only really talk to her at the farmer's market, right? Maybe she doesn't like that you don't try so much outside of there. If you think about it, how forthcoming are you? Do you invite her places (other than the one time). Places outside of the vegan community and market? Maybe she feels you wouldn't want to go. I'm just taking a stab in the dark, since I don't really know how it is for you, but maybe you come off a little standoffish .
It seems that you are very sensitive, so maybe you should try to work on that. Get a bit of a tougher skin and all that.

HappyYogi said:

Thank You.  I still hurt because I don't understand why I am not deserving of affection but I am not going to respond to her anymore.

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Only killers and rapists are NOT deserving of affection. Actually it would be awesome if everybody was awarded with affection for doing good things and the opposite for doing bad things. Maybe in the future the world will ditch the faux money currency and use something that's more meaningful and more valuable. Naaa, that's too Pollyanna.

I am not doing well. Sadly I am hurt AGAIN! The incident happened Sunday. Yesterday, with the help of some prayer, I started feeling normal by Tuesday afternoon and I felt grateful for it. But sadly, today, just now, I am hurt again. I was feeling normal today until I got that call. : (

I am doing yoga and I get a phone call from "S" another acquaintance I know in this group in my city. S is an older woman with health issues. I am warm and welcoming to her as I am with everyone but especially her because she has health issues and is older.

She mentions that L came over to her house yesterday and they were talking. L brought over some delicious food. She waxed and waned how nice L is.

S only calls when she wants something. She never calls me just to say hi or asks how I am. She always calls me "sweet heart" on and on. A while back she was almost homeless and I was supportive of her finding housing.

This time was no different. She called because I had mentioned a special group I was in about the C O V I D topic. I mentioned it to L at the farmer's market. L said she wanted to go with me. Now Suzi is calling for information on this group.

The truth is I don't want them to go. I want this group for ME. They both are a reminder of how much I am left out and ignored with these people and I do not want to see them regularly. So I didn't tell her. I only said "I don't know when they will meet again. I'll let you know". I got off the phone.

I decided to block her because she only calls when she wants something. The whole call reminded me AGAIN how I am not included and left out. S doesn't even think that what she is sharing will be hurtful. L doesn't think about her sharing being hurtful. No one thinks of my feelings. No one.. I am invisible.

Why am I getting this? It's so painful. I pray they never find out about these meetings because I want to be free of these painful reminders. From now on, I am going to ignore them.

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TheRealCallie said:

I would imagine forgetting something right now would be pretty likely, given the state of the world and people during the pandemic.  Did you remind her about the meeting? 
You said that you only really talk to her at the farmer's market, right?  Maybe she doesn't like that you don't try so much outside of there.  If you think about it, how forthcoming are you?  Do you invite her places (other than the one time).  Places outside of the vegan community and market?  Maybe she feels you wouldn't want to go.  I'm just taking a stab in the dark, since I don't really know how it is for you, but maybe you come off a little standoffish . 
It seems that you are very sensitive, so maybe you should try to work on that.  Get a bit of a tougher skin and all that.

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I appreciate you trying to create a larger view but I think I have to face the fact I am indeed not invited and not included. It's obvious.  I've often mistaken her wanting to talk to me that she would want to be invited to my things.  I invited her three times to things.  One time, yes at the farmer's market.  One was my birthday, another was to see my new house, and the last one to meet at the park.  I have extended myself several times. For whatever reason she is just not interested.  I do not know what it is.  If I knew maybe I could understand it. I regret deeply mentioning these meetings...I don't want her to go.  Because it will just be a painful reminder each time.

Shocker!!! Yeah, it's best to keep the good clubs and spots a secrete until the person is fully vetted.

BTW, I know about a great club. But, I'm not supposed to talk about it: