Relationship Realities Post-Transition

Hi, I am trans. I'm told I'm pretty. I'm also very tall, and while I "pass" it's still clear I spent the first 28 years of my life in the wrong body.

I've realized that while plenty of guys are willing to spend a night with me (that isn't to say I've indulged them, it's just something I've noticed), I'll never find one willing to actually date me, call me his girlfriend, hold my hand in public.... I often wonder if it's embarrassing for men to be seen in public with a very tall and ostensibly transgender woman. Is it?

Honestly I don't blame them. Any guy up to my standards is just going to have his choice of cis girl anyway. I can't give him kids. He wouldn't be eager to introduce me to his parents. He will probably be made fun of by his friends. And why go through the extra stress of being in a relationship with a girl who is constantly questioning her validity?

So it makes sense, and it's something I should accept and move on with. I am tired of men fetishizing me, assuming that because I am trans I must be promiscuous or desperate. I'm not. I just want to live a normal life as a woman, to be loved as a woman, and to have normal, healthy, adult relationships.

And women, well... I have always, and suspect I always will, feel like an impostor in lesbian circles. Why would a woman who is attracted to women want to date me? I worry they see me as an invader of traditionally women's spaces, or worse... a threat. I wish they knew I just want to be one of them. But I find a lot of their misandry is directed at me, which hurts a lot, because I'm not a man but these supposedly accepting people still see me as one on a visceral level. It makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough.

I just... want to be close to someone. Bleh.

I am very sorry for the rejections you are facing. Some parts of society really suck.

I hope that you can find validity in becoming the person you know you should be. I give you major kudos for accepting yourself as you are. And I believe you will find someone who is right, understanding and accepting of you in your transition.

AmyTheTemperamental said:

I am very sorry for the rejections you are facing. Some parts of society really suck.

I hope that you can find validity in becoming the person you know you should be. I give you major kudos for accepting yourself as you are. And I believe you will find someone who is right, understanding and accepting of you in your transition.

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It's okay. I dread being alone, but I need to learn how to. I would feel a lot more valid if men responded to me in any other way than as an object to fetishize... but I know who I am. Thank you.

It's sad that you have such a negative outlook although I understand it must be difficult.

L1Druidess said:

And women, well... I have always, and suspect I always will, feel like an impostor in lesbian circles. Why would a woman who is attracted to women want to date me? I worry they see me as an invader of traditionally women's spaces, or worse... a threat. I wish they knew I just want to be one of them. But I find a lot of their misandry is directed at me, which hurts a lot, because I'm not a man but these supposedly accepting people still see me as one on a visceral level. It makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough.

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That doesn't sound good that people in the lgbtq community would be isolating each other instead of being supportive. But have you made that experience or is it just a worry?

I am sure you would make a great girlfriend and someone will love you.

Myra said:

It's sad that you have such a negative outlook although I understand it must be difficult.

L1Druidess said:

And women, well... I have always, and suspect I always will, feel like an impostor in lesbian circles. Why would a woman who is attracted to women want to date me? I worry they see me as an invader of traditionally women's spaces, or worse... a threat. I wish they knew I just want to be one of them. But I find a lot of their misandry is directed at me, which hurts a lot, because I'm not a man but these supposedly accepting people still see me as one on a visceral level. It makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough.

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That doesn't sound good that people in the lgbtq community would be isolating each other instead of being supportive. But have you made that experience or is it just a worry?

I am sure you would make a great girlfriend and someone will love you.

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Thank you. <3
There is a lot of transphobia in the LGBTQ+ community. A lot of lesbian women are still skeptical of transgender women and treat them with suspicion and hostility. It hurts but I try not to blame them because ultimately I feel like an invader in their spaces. :/

Hi Druidess,

Just an average married bloke here, so I'm not going to pretend that I understand your situation completely but thought I'd put a few words down...

Being a trans person, or being "different" in some way, takes a huge amount of commitment and bravery, as does being with that person. Are there people out there who would be ashamed to be with you? Yes, there are. But those are exactly the kinds of people worth avoiding anyway, somebody who loves you won't care about that. Those kinds of people are hard to find, it's true, but you're not doing anything wrong by keeping your standards high.

You might think that you're some kind of "second-best imposter", but to be honest there are a huge range of sexual and relationship preferences out there and I'm sure you're plenty of people's cup of tea.

What part of the world are you from and what is society like there? Here in the UK, and especially in the big cities like London and Manchester, there's really a very liberal attitude and you'll see all kinds of people holding hands in public. Perhaps it's a case of choosing the right part of the country/globe?

Yeti1980 said:

Hi Druidess,

Just an average married bloke here, so I'm not going to pretend that I understand your situation completely but thought I'd put a few words down...

Being a trans person, or being "different" in some way, takes a huge amount of commitment and bravery, as does being with that person. Are there people out there who would be ashamed to be with you? Yes, there are. But those are exactly the kinds of people worth avoiding anyway, somebody who loves you won't care about that. Those kinds of people are hard to find, it's true, but you're not doing anything wrong by keeping your standards high.

You might think that you're some kind of "second-best imposter", but to be honest there are a huge range of sexual and relationship preferences out there and I'm sure you're plenty of people's cup of tea.

What part of the world are you from and what is society like there? Here in the UK, and especially in the big cities like London and Manchester, there's really a very liberal attitude and you'll see all kinds of people holding hands in public. Perhaps it's a case of choosing the right part of the country/globe?

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I live in inland Southern California... pretty conservative as far as California goes. Sadly I can't just pick up and move as I'm in school (at 32 ugh) so I'm fairly invested in my area.

I know there are a lot of preferences out there, but I just want to be loved/desired as a woman, not as a trans woman. But that's not realistic given my situation, so I'll take what I can get, I guess. ^^

There are plenty of straight people that are alone and lonely. Welcome to the club!

Unlike the other clubs that claim to be accepting of others and are not, like the different branches of the LGBTQ+ community, being part of the alone club isn't formalized and doesn't care about your sex status or desires. We actually focus on what's shared between us not the differences between each member in our group. As it should be!

The LGBTQ+ community can be more discriminatory then society as a whole. Every time a group of people break off from other groups and demand special needs they start to discriminate against others. I don't doubt that they'll be 50 different sub-groups of the LGBTQ+ community in another 20 years with most of them saying the other groups aren't valid like they are.

I wouldn't have any problem dating a post transition woman and I'm straight. After all the person is now a woman and in the correct body for them. Also I've never wanted to have my own kids. I'm sure I'm not alone. But, it will be more difficult to find the right person for you.

Finished said:

There are plenty of straight people that are alone and lonely. Welcome to the club!

Unlike the other clubs that claim to be accepting of others and are not, like the different branches of the LGBTQ+ community, being part of the alone club isn't formalized and doesn't care about your sex status or desires. We actually focus on what's shared between us not the differences between each member in our group. As it should be!

The LGBTQ+ community can be more discriminatory then society as a whole. Every time a group of people break off from other groups and demand special needs they start to discriminate against others. I don't doubt that they'll be 50 different sub-groups of the LGBTQ+ community in another 20 years with most of them saying the other groups aren't valid like they are.

I wouldn't have any problem dating a post transition woman and I'm straight. After all the person is now a woman and in the correct body for them. Also I've never wanted to have my own kids. I'm sure I'm not alone. But, it will be more difficult to find the right person for you.

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I'm not sure what you mean by "demand special needs." AFAIK all trans people want is equality, nothing special or exceptional. But you're not wrong that there's a lot of conflict within the "community" too.

I know the person is out there for me; it's just a matter of luck and circumstance finding them. I do consider myself "post transition" however that definition will vary from person to person, because not every trans person has the same ultimate goal. Heck trans people who don't transition are still valid, too!

Realistically speaking, there is definitely a smaller pool of people for you to choose from and there's no denying that. There are already a million tiny factors that determine whether two people end up together and one party being trans is yet another huge one. Personally I wouldn't date a trans woman, there's just a barrier for me there that I cannot cross, no matter how "post-transition" the person is. Maybe in some distant future perfection can be achieved, but...who knows. There's still a lot of room for interpretation concerning how much of a man/woman a trans person is to themselves, let alone others. I think some people are just trying to be nice when they say would date a trans person and even in a world without bigotry, there would still be a slight difference to how cis and trans people are perceived and something akin to equality on an interpersonal and emotional level is just not achievable. I don't doubt you are trying hard, but there's really only so much you can do to pass on that visceral level. Regardless I wish you luck...finding a relationship is a strenuous loop of trial and error, but I think it's worthwhile when you find that particular person that works out.

Rodent said:

There's still a lot of room for interpretation concerning how much of a man/woman a trans person is to themselves, let alone others.

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"how much of a man/woman"... how much. hahaha. For cis people gender is a spectrum too. Do you quantify and interpret their manhood/womanhood too?

Rodent said:

and something akin to equality on an interpersonal and emotional level is just not achievable.

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WTF?! What is that even supposed to mean?!?! Sounds very dehumanizing.

Rodent said:

finding a relationship is a strenuous loop of trial and error, but I think it's worthwhile when you find that particular person that works out.

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I agree, it's not about appealing to the masses. It's about appealing to the one person you are compatible with.

Myra said:

Rodent said:

There's still a lot of room for interpretation concerning how much of a man/woman a trans person is to themselves, let alone others.

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"how much of a man/woman"... how much. hahaha. For cis people gender is a spectrum too. Do you quantify and interpret their manhood/womanhood too?

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I don't think of myself as a "man's man", considering that I'm a tall and lanky ******* that doesn't like sports and crowds yet I still like to drink beer. Doesn't mean that if I don't score high enough on the "man index", somebody is gonna extract my gonads for me. So...it depends on what we are actually talking about. Sex, your personal gender identity or broader culture. In culture some men and women are considered more or less manly/womanly in alignment with the societal expectations, but that doesn't mean they stop being male/female on a biological level. The fact aside that some cultures have more genders, but that doesn't mean they are a different species of homo sapiens with additional sexes. Speaking of that, intersex adds another level and that has an impact on self-perception and perceptions by others as well - it is different to being trans though.

In the end you cannot force anyone to see you the same way you see yourself - that is the room for interpretation. As L1Druidess said: "trans people who don't transition are still valid". They can be to themselves and to anyone else who shares that perception or who respects them. It depends on what your definition of man/woman is actually rooted in which is an interesting discussion in and of itself - some take a more biological approach, others a more cultural/behaviorial approach. And things can change further when intimacy enters the picture.

Myra said:

Rodent said:

and something akin to equality on an interpersonal and emotional level is just not achievable.

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WTF?! What is that even supposed to mean?!?! Sounds very dehumanizing.

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For the record, that has nothing to do with being trans in particular - only insofar as they are a minority and minorities never have it easy because many people crave the familiar and average. But do you think love and attraction is equally distributed or even distributable across all people? Some people get less love than others, some people are less attractive than others or to a smaller percentage of people. Just like some people are less popular and don't make as many friends. Sometimes for justifiable reasons and oftentimes not. That has nothing to do with dehumanizing anyone - unless you presume I want people to die alone and friendless. There is bigotry and then there is something as simple as taste. If someone likes brunettes more than blondes, they don't want all blondes to die, do they now? I hope I made myself clear.

It's a problem for the majority because for a majority orientation is as much to do with biological sex as gender expression. While there's a spectrum masculine/feminine traits and behaviours around which people naturally vary, a romantic interest has to pass as the biological sex you are interested in, and for most people that is an immutable non-negotiable preference.

You want to be seen as a person with legitimate needs and fair enough, but would you be prepared to date a cis man who wasn't masculine in order to have that? Because that is possibly a better starting point for finding someone willing to accept you. Or you could try to find a trans man. Nobody goes into bat for cis people who can't appeal in the traditional masculine/feminine manner either. To be honest I think you'll have to accept that you are going to appeal to a smaller fraction of men, and maybe concentrate on looking outside the mainstream dating scene.

I don't have anything for you, but I wanted to say congratulations on your transition. I know that is difficult, and hopefully you had some support. I currently have a friend in the middle of transition and he shares his growing pains with all of us. I think there will be someone that digs you in a real way.