I think there might be something wrong with me

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polyp

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[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif][size=small][font=Montserrat, serif]I posted this on a psychology website before, looking for some kind of advice or feedback or insight or any real acknowledgment, but I didn't get anything meaningful. I'm sorry if this treads the line a little, but I'm at the end of my rope and I want to know if I should really give up this time for real. Also sorry for the length. [/font][/font][/size]

[font=Montserrat, serif]I am a sophomore STEM student, barely a legal adult. Throughout my life, I've had nobody to talk to about my issues. Talking to my family, giving them a little glimpse at what's going on in my head, has never made me feel better, only worse. I've tried a couple of times when the weight of it got really bad, and it never helped. Just dismissal and "you'll grow out of it". Lately I've been thinking a lot that i'm loosing it.[/font]

[font=Montserrat, serif]I don't get affection. I know little about what's it's like to receive it and I have no idea to how to express it myself. Throughout middle school and high school, I've had one or two friends/acquaintances at a time who I just talked to in class, but all of those relationships fizzled out every time. I'm sure I valued those more that the other person. I've become cynical about friendships and see them as a mercantile and unsatisfying way of boosting your ego and staving off boredom. I don't see any appeal in "hanging out".[/font]

[font=Montserrat, serif]My sister told me once that in college there would be so many more people, I was bound to find people I "like", but I actually liked the people I was around less than the ones from my highschool. I grew up in a pretty well-to-do place and now I'm going to a big university with zero larger sense of group identity. For two years, I feel like I've been in a limbo with no real human connections to mark the time except with my parents. [/font]

[font=Montserrat, serif]I[/font][font=Montserrat, serif]'m not a normal person. I've had violent, intrusive thoughts since I was in elementary school. Other intrusive thoughts too. At the peaks of my boredom and dissatisfaction, I used to actively have violent fantasies about the people around me. Other times I stole little things from here and there for the thrill of it. Then those types of thoughts became more sexual. Over the years, I've developed abnormal interests and beliefs too. I know how all this sounds. It's "bad", completely unacceptable. I can't erase it, not that I really feel guilty. I want to talk to somebody, anybody about this. So here I am. This is my best option. Therapy is not an option for me. [/font]

[font=Montserrat, serif]What's been eating away at me since I graduated HS(and before, but less so) is an overwhelming sense of loneliness. When you look at my life, it's not normal, it's not "healthy". How could somebody look at the way I live and think I could be happy? Somebody asks how I'm doing and I say i'm fine every time. I'm not always fine. I wear a mask of normalcy and it works good enough. I can talk to people well enough to work with them or make small talk, but I'm unable to form and maintain relationships. I'm not interested in half-way or quarter-way relationships anymore either. I have a ravenous "hunger" to totally consume another person. I'm built to want these things, so I feel something fundamental to being a human is missing in my life, but i'm too dysfunctional to pursue it. I like how I am despite that. Whenever I see normal people around me, I never want to be one of them, even if I could press a button and make it happen. I feel lucky to be the way I am. [/font]

[font=Montserrat, serif]If I manage to succeed on the path I'm going now, I'll hopefully be able to be a financially independent person. I'm doing alright so far. I plan on moving to the other side of the country and cutting off the familial relationships I have now. I know it's selfish and blah blah they fed me. I'm not happy though. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me and they never helped as long as I was "functional". Nothing's guaranteed though. Everybody could be dead by the time I graduate. Maybe that wouldn't be too bad. Happiness? Is that even a remote possibility? Technology is the only thing that gives me hope. [/font]
 
Hey, what exactly is your question? Could be me but you seem to talk having problems but not really what they are. Do you feel unheard? You come across as someone that wants to be understood without being judged.
 
Hazed said:
Hey, what exactly is your question? Could be me but you seem to talk having problems but not really what they are. Do you feel unheard? You come across as someone that wants to be understood without being judged.

I want to know what people think about what I've wrote, regardless of what that may be. I'm fine with being judged in this context. I just want that information.
 
Alright. You seem to be talking past yourself. You're incredibly lonely and crave a connection you never had, that you miss so much you'll never be able to meet the expectations that are now in your head. On the other hand you're trying to form a vague rationale around your life to try and convince yourself and us of something.
You remind me a bit of myself when i was your age.
If you're looking for recommendations, i'd say try finding something to get in touch with people. And dont expect too much when you do join something, keep it nice and chill or you'll fresia it up and it'll only get worse from there. I know it's standard and boring advice but it works.
 
Hazed said:
Alright. You seem to be talking past yourself. 

If you're looking for recommendations, i'd say try finding something to get in touch with people. And dont expect too much when you do join something, keep it nice and chill or you'll fresia it up and it'll only get worse from there. I know it's standard and boring advice but it works.

I'm not sure what talking past myself means.

I'm also unsure of what you mean by works. If I joined a club or something for one of my more normal interests, that probably would momentarily alleviate my loneliness. I'd have to spend energy putting on an acceptable persona, minding everything I say, trying to get to know more about the other people, testing the waters constantly. Eventually I might have some kind of connection with these people I can sort of tolerate based on a limited, fake version of myself. If I stopped going to the club, or the club dissolves, or when I graduate, those connections will inevitably fizzle into nothing. They wouldn't call me or text me or wonder what I'm doing. I'd never be able to fully open up to those people or feel real warmth.
 
First off, I'd like to say welcome to the forum. I am sorry your loneliness has brought you here, but happy you have reached out. Thanks for sharing.

My first reaction is to tell you, that while I understand the desire for more substance in relationships, depth is difficult to find if you have quit digging. It's true, you may be around a lot of people who don't seem to have it. But meaning is what you take out of it. Also, a simple acquaintance, school project partner, etc could be connected to that full depth person. I do believe building some sort of community around yourself, can help.

It is not for anyone to say whether or not disconnecting with your family is the right move. Only you know what is best for your mental health.

Give yourself some credit. You can reflect inwards. You are clearly very intelligent. And you have a path into the future. I believe you will find what you are seeking.
 
polyp said:
I'm not sure what talking past myself means.

I'm also unsure of what you mean by works. If I joined a club or something for one of my more normal interests, that probably would momentarily alleviate my loneliness. I'd have to spend energy putting on an acceptable persona, minding everything I say, trying to get to know more about the other people, testing the waters constantly. Eventually I might have some kind of connection with these people I can sort of tolerate based on a limited, fake version of myself. If I stopped going to the club, or the club dissolves, or when I graduate, those connections will inevitably fizzle into nothing. They wouldn't call me or text me or wonder what I'm doing. I'd never be able to fully open up to those people or feel real warmth.

Yes, especially the first half is mostly right. On the other hand, you'll find that it'll go easier than expected, and you dont have to mind 20 things at once whenever you open your mouth. If you do that, your chances actually get worse. I know that's counter intuitive right now, but people will eventually pick up on the fakeness. And not being fake is not as bad as you fear it will be. You have to smart about it of course, you have to read the room etc and not spaz out, but it's not the unclimbable mountain that it feels to be. Also, these days alot of people are messed and despite outward appearances, might surprise you with what theyre willing to tolerate. This happened to me many times.

And yeah, you won't get the type of connection right away, but you dont have much choice. You're gonna have to accept that youre at a pretty big disadvantage and have to start from 0. That's gonna take alot of time and frustration, but there is no way around it. Most people you put effort into will be gone after a while, but more importantly, some will not. 

Lastly, especially if you decide to move to another place far away, you're gonna need to do this. You won't survive otherwise.
 
You might find that a lot of people view friendship and express care in ways that seem less appreciative or substantive than how you'd like those things to be viewed/expressed.  You might also have a difficult time finding others who can truly empathize with what you're experiencing.  None of this necessarily means that a given person doesn't value a connection with you or isn't concerned about you.  But if you cut people out of your life due to those connections not being precisely what you're seeking, it might lead to more intense/frequent loneliness without getting you any closer to finding the sort of relationship you'd really like to have.
 
Family, unfortunately, is not always a place where one can find understanding or elucidation.  That is okay.  However, it can be difficult to varying degrees.

Affection is important.  Friendship is nothing to be cynical about or have sour grapes about; but it's okay if you are.  It's okay to feel hurt by feelings of rejection, it's okay to fear further rejection, and it's okay to be angry for feeling rejected, left out, unnoticed, or uncared for.  It's not okay to spread hurt, though, in an effort for your pain to be understood.  Any pain, fear, or anger, is ultimately feelings, and those feelings are you; and that is okay.  The actions you make and take are important though, be mindful of them, if you can.  (There was a field of math known as chaos math.  The idea being that a butterfly flapping it's wings in Brazil could have a cascade effect that could lead to a hurricane in Florida.  So, perhaps a single kind deed, however small, could make some one's day; and, improve the world.  Perhaps opening the door for a stranger could prevent a great calamity from occurring.  Who could say?)

I have found that high school can be filled with more cruelty than grade school, college with more cruelty than high school, and, 'real life,' the, 'adult,' world is probably filled with the most cruel, 'children,' of all.  The world and the various places and people in it, at different times, can be unfathomably cruel; but, it can also be uncomprehendingly beautiful at times.  Both things are okay; I think the universe has room for all of it.  However, a stew composed of only salt, is nothing more than brine.

Thoughts are just thoughts.  Actions, we have control over, and are responsible for; so, we must choose our actions wisely.  Perhaps you have a form of OCD.  Perhaps not?  There is literature out there on such subjects.  Our thoughts are very much like our breathing.  If I tell you to breathe in 3 times, slowly, and deeply, you can do this.  However, while you were reading this, you were probably, 'thinking,' things and, 'breathing,' without, 'thinking,' about it.  Now that I realize it, there may be a very deep and subtle symbolism there, in regards to, 'the breath,' inherent in the very fabric of our being, our consciousness and it's, 'seat.'  Perhaps one can learn to see passive thoughts like cars passing by or clouds coming and going, no matter their, 'content.'  Perhaps one can cultivate the mind as well, and direct it, not like traffic; but, perhaps like a tree, by pruning leaves or branches here and there, and letting other ones continue to grow.

I know some one that actively played out all sorts of violent fantasies that were targeted at some one who was quite abusive to them.  However, they have been very kind and loving to me and all the people in their life; and they've never harmed anyone, most especially not the person of whom they fantasized about harming.  Perhaps she was fortunate to have great self control and a high moral constitution; these things, I think, are generally learned and reinforced.  Which, I think it's safe to say, is why it's important we cultivate kindness, and civility towards one another.  If we could be kind, understanding, and caring; situations that create such storms of the mind and, worse, harmful actions, would not be present.  When kindness is all we have known, we know how to be kind.  If cruelty is all we have known, we may only know how to be cruel. 

Lonliness, can be a terrible, terrible pain.  I think people can die from lonliness.  It can physically ache, to be lonely.  However, to be alone, I think, is to have time to meditate.  Not in some traditional way.  I think lonliness can force one to be alone with themselves; and, though it does not always make one stronger, I think it forces one to do something which many people actively avoid, they can't tolerate it.  Some people can't sit with themselves for a second, and can always find a way to avoid having to do that; I think that's a bit sad, and it is also a bit unfortunate, in my opinion.  I don't think I would have ever gotten to know myself the way I have, had I not spent so much time alone in this life, even if most of the time, I rather enjoyed my solitude.  I don't know how one fixes loneliness, though; but, I've had fortune favor me, from time to time; perhaps let the friends come to you, if you can not find the friends.  A tree in the park gathers birds, though, perhaps; while a tree indoors, gathers dust...  Eitherway, I think giving up is probably a sure fire way to not solve the problem; but, I also think, it's okay to feel like giving up, and even to give up completely.  Just remember your actions are important.  I heard a story once of a man who decided to commit suicide by getting hit by a train.  He drove his car on to the train tracks, derailed a train, and hurt a bunch of people in the process; so, being suicidal, depressed, lonely, etc.. is no excuse to not think before acting.

People who, 'appear,' to be normal, may very will be.  They might not be though.  Perhaps you saw a normal person the other day, and actually, they feel exactly like you, except their world is the opposite.  They have hundreds, maybe thousands of acqaintances/friends/ etc..  Perhaps their whole life is a life they wish they could jump ship and leave; but, there is always some, 'friend,' pulling them this way or that, and they can never really, escape.  Maybe their pain would be quite trivial to you, or me, or some one else, or perhaps it would be far worse than even we could imagine.  Who's to say... 

Certainty can feel nice; but, I think generally very little is certain in this life.  One way to not be alone, is to read, I think.  I should do this more.  Authors speak to us through books; so, as we are reading, I think, in a way, we are not alone; in a very sincere and special way, we are truly not alone, if we have a good book.  I once cried at losing a friend, because I had finished his, 'book.'  The dead can speak to us, and perhaps, those who have not yet lived, can speak to us.

And also, since you are in college, perhaps I shouldn't say this; but, I will.  There will be opportunities for a drink to be in hand, or a certain sort of dried plant, and such situations can be a way to meet some interesting people; and, if nothing more, a chance to learn about yourself and the world around you, if such things are done with consideration as opposed to wrecklessness.  There are plenty of authors out there who can speak about such things as well; such paths have been traveled by many.

Those are my thoughts on what you have posted.  No book in the world, call to kindness, or self reflection, for me, can stop the loneliness I feel at times as well as the disarray, it seems, sometimes, maybe, and how much I'd like to be understood, and be present in the company of friends or a true companion; but, those are my thoughts..

Anyway, good luck, take care, and may you be well.

May you find a friend and receive warmth, and give warmth in kind.  Or give warmth and find a friend and receive warmth. :) Maybe even multiple friendships! What a nightmare! lol
 
I'd like to thank everyone for their responses and insights. Thanks for giving me some of your time.

Hazed said:
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif][size=small][size=small][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Also, these days alot of people are messed and despite outward appearances, might surprise you with what theyre willing to tolerate. This happened to me many times.[/font][/size][/font][/size]


You're gonna have to accept that youre at a pretty big disadvantage and have to start from 0. That's gonna take alot of time and frustration, but there is no way around it.

[size=small][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Lastly, especially if you decide to move to another place far away, you're gonna need to do this. You won't survive otherwise.[/font][/size]

From what I've seen on the internet, most people, or at least the most vocal ones, feel negatively about many of my interests. Most of what I know about the world and other people comes from the internet, so my perspective is probably skewed, but I think I have good reason to be more cautious than others. I can't say for sure when the line is crossed when I can mention something or not. Being able to spill absolutely all of my guts and still be accepted is my fantasy. 

If given a choice, I'd rather only have the one person instead of all this other stuff I don't actually want.

I thought that besides feeling lonely, I would be okay doing things the way I have been with just a good resume. If I'm actually going to starve to death because I don't become buddies with random people or my coworkers, that's pretty worrisome. 

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]TropicalStarfish

[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The actions you make and take are important though, be mindful of them, if you can.[/font]

I don't litter, I'm quiet, I hold the door for people when appropriate, I try to be polite, so I think I'm okay on that front. When I was on campus, in my dorm bathroom I often saw pee all over the seat and/or the toilet unflushed. This wasn't just a school bathroom, this was a living space. People who do that probably have vastly more of a social life than me. They'll probably get married and have kids. What should I take away from that? I wouldn't want to be one of those people, but it did up my pessimism a little. 

When I was on campus, I frequently contemplated throwing myself into this lake near my building, and how long it would take them to find me. In some ways, I've actually become happier since quarantine.

Honestly, a lot of the lava lamp type of stuff you posted is hard for me to relate to. I've never admitted this to anyone, but a big part of why I'm doing STEM is because part of me hopes that it'll somehow be the solution to my problems. Like Dr. Frankenstein or something. I don't know if that's a pipe dream or not. Banking entirely on that and giving up on others in every aspect is what giving up means to me.
 
polyp said:
From what I've seen on the internet, most people, or at least the most vocal ones, feel negatively about many of my interests. Most of what I know about the world and other people comes from the internet, so my perspective is probably skewed, but I think I have good reason to be more cautious than others. I can't say for sure when the line is crossed when I can mention something or not. Being able to spill absolutely all of my guts and still be accepted is my fantasy. 

If given a choice, I'd rather only have the one person instead of all this other stuff I don't actually want.

I thought that besides feeling lonely, I would be okay doing things the way I have been with just a good resume. If I'm actually going to starve to death because I don't become buddies with random people or my coworkers, that's pretty worrisome. 

What are your interests? That line is difficult, and i cant really help you there. I keep alot of things to myself, way too much most would say. Especially irl im pretty much a brick wall. But little by little you can tell when it's ok to share to something. It's a long process but it gets progressively better along the way.
I get you. I have the same fantasy that you describe. It's not going to happen. And if it is, not anytime soon. I'm sorry.

Obviously you won't literally die, but it's a safe bet to assume you'd be pretty miserable. You logged on here for a reason. A good job and work environment goes a long way, but no matter how good, it wont fill the void entirely. Trust me.

I honestly hope things get better for you and you'll feel better. You're at a pivotal point in your life and you have alot of options.
 
When you are only open to having just that "one person", you leave room for obsessive and addictive behaviors. And they tend to be more disappointing than not.
 
Hazed said:
What are your interests?

It's not going to happen. And if it is, not anytime soon. I'm sorry.

Obviously you won't literally die, but it's a safe bet to assume you'd be pretty miserable. You logged on here for a reason. A good job and work environment goes a long way, but no matter how good, it wont fill the void entirely. Trust me.
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Since you asked, some normal things like music and movies, and weeb stuff, especially of the sexually deviant variety. Doujins, VNs, CGs. I can forget about talking about that stuff with most people, but even with people who like anime or whatever it seems dangerous. Being embarrassed is the least of what could go wrong. It's like as soon as people get a whiff of that you stop being human or something. Maybe that's just a false impression. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I hope if I take things one day at a time it goes okay. You're right that I logged on here for a reason. Sometimes I can ignore my loneliness for weeks and just get through the day. It's winter break, so I don't have as much to keep me distracted. [/font]
AmyTheTemperamental said:
When you are only open to having just that "one person", you leave room for obsessive and addictive behaviors. And they tend to be more disappointing than not.
I think there's worse things to be addicted to. If the feeling was mutual, wouldn't it be great?
 
polyp said:
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Since you asked, some normal things like music and movies, and weeb stuff, especially of the sexually deviant variety. Doujins, VNs, CGs. I can forget about talking about that stuff with most people, but even with people who like anime or whatever it seems dangerous. Being embarrassed is the least of what could go wrong. It's like as soon as people get a whiff of that you stop being human or something. Maybe that's just a false impression. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I hope if I take things one day at a time it goes okay. You're right that I logged on here for a reason. Sometimes I can ignore my loneliness for weeks and just get through the day. It's winter break, so I don't have as much to keep me distracted. [/font]

I would consider it nonetheless, you do have something to talk about. And especially if you join a sport, or something where you do something, it gets easier because you can just talk about that. Obviously you'll need to reach out but it's a good foundation. I'm not sure if it's a false impression, but in my experience things are more relaxed and forgiving than you'd think.

Yeah i get you, winter break sucks in that regard lol. Be careful with the sexual deviant stuff, it can get very destructive without you realising.
 
Polyp, at least you've found some interest and kind support here, so you've done well to reach out to a new source.  Now let me add a Christian perspective that's been neglected thus far, starting with a response to these final statements of yours:
 
"Whenever I see normal people around me, I never want to be one of them, even if I could press a button and make it happen. I feel lucky to be the way I am. ... I'm not happy though. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me ... Happiness? Is that even a remote possibility? Technology is the only thing that gives me hope."

Are you aware that self identity is one of the most perceived problems among youth today?  There are reasons for that, and you should recognize that most of the people around you, especially in school, share that trait.  Perhaps that's why you assess others and don't envy being "normal" like them - because normal doesn't look look so great.  I agree - if you don't hang out with the right people.

If you absorb what school and culture has taught you for the past 2 decades, you'll believe that you're just a highly developed mammal existing in a world of natural chance processes, with no meaning, objective truth, moral values, or purpose in life.  Given that belief and value system, which is a religion by the way, it's no wonder people have self identity issues.  That's going to cause all sorts of strange behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and pursuits, as well as relationship deficiencies and failures.

I think you'd do well to consider that you were created by God for a purpose in life - to know and love him, and to love and care for others.  This IS the source of your self identity, your guiding path in life, and opportunity to acquire good, healthy relationships with others. Many people choose to ignore or reject this reality, but the truth in this case, does set one free from many of the worldly pressures, disappointments, and unsatisfying pursuits that you're facing.

Technology, the STEP program, and completion of school may offer you the successful career and financial security you want and need, but it won't give you peace, joy, and love in life.  Nor will it give you a lasting purpose, encouragement, and hope for the future that a Christian has.  If you turn your attention to God, the Bible, and Jesus, you'll gain a strong sense of self identity, a lasting purpose for your life, and a whole church family of people receptive to knowing and loving you as your Creator does. Now that won't make your whole life simple or easy, but I think it will clear up most of the problems and deficiencies that you're dealing with now.  Give it some thought and prayer.  You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.
 
Sir Joseph said:
Polyp, at least you've found some interest and kind support here, so you've done well to reach out to a new source.  Now let me add a Christian perspective that's been neglected thus far, starting with a response to these final statements of yours:
 
If you turn your attention to God, the Bible, and Jesus, you'll gain a strong sense of self identity, a lasting purpose for your life, and a whole church family of people receptive to knowing and loving you as your Creator does. Now that won't make your whole life simple or easy, but I think it will clear up most of the problems and deficiencies that you're dealing with now.  Give it some thought and prayer.  You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I've talked with Christians extensively and read a few books of the bible before getting bored with it. I have thought about it. I wont claim to be an expert on your religion, but I'm sure it's not for me for a number of reasons I'll outline since you brought it up. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I can't accept the concept of divine inspiration. If God wanted to write a book, he could have written it himself and dropped millions of copies down on earth. There's sects for a supposedly crystal clear ideology. Early Christianity's history is a mess and the whole Paul the apostle and Constantine thing is off-putting. I can't accept the Christian, Satan character. Somebody so beautiful and intelligent wouldn't waste their time doing something completely futile and ugly like a 2-dimensional cartoon villain. That's even lower than a lot of human beings. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]If every single thing which deviates from the narrow path of Christianity is evil, evil is vastly more interesting. Everything is going exactly according to God's plan. If he's all powerful and all knowing, he knew every single consequence for his actions, which instigated everything. He can change things effortlessly too, so there's no "he just let's stuff happen", he and he alone is responsible for everything being the way it is. There's also nothing stopping him from lying if he's all knowing and all powerful. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]In heaven there's no marriage or sex. Some think the "new bodies" people will have wont even have mouths or intestines since people wont need to eat and will communicate spiritually or whatever. A communion of people who are all connected and love each other equally and spend eternity praising god like it's Church 24/7 isn't appealing to me. A hatred for flesh and physical reality is fundamental to Christianity despite all the contemporary "conservative" proponents going on about family values incessantly. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Christians' moral standards have clearly shifted over the centuries. The Church has always been made up of collaborators, going along with whatever the current political regime says. That's why it's survived for so long. Nearly all people in Church now are "pew warmers" or Christian when it suits them. On top of all that, Christians are against most of the things I'm interested in. So my interests, my liberty, my personality and lots of my time are all things I have to lose.  
[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm telling all this to you because I think you have good intentions, so I wanted you to at least know my reasoning. I'm not looking for a debate, so I wont. This will be my only post on Christianity, here for your information. [/font]
 
Why do you want to be "normal"? Are you wanting to mold to society's ideals? Your family's ideals? Is that truly going to make you happy?

Do what makes you happy, although you might have to figure that out first.

I don't see anything "wrong" with you, other than your violent thoughts. That is something you should seek help for. With so many apps out there to talk to real counselors, you don't have to physically go. But it won't do you any good unless you believe and want to "get better".
 
Polyp, fair enough.  I appreciate the time of your response, which was quite interesting by the way.  I don't want to preach to anyone not receptive to it, so let me just close by wishing you success in sorting your life issues out.
 
i relate a lot to what you're saying, from violent thoughts to the way you're describing your life. you're quite literally describing my life, its almost scary

i think that what helped me a lot in the last few months was to find something to work on every time i felt any negative thing. im planning to go to maths university and although im at a medium-low level right now, ive gotten sensibly better since i started doing it every time i got the urge to lay in my bed and wallow in negative emotions.
i think the best thing of this resolution is that i feel less strange and like the slowness of my life is directed towards something.

i hope youll get better as i did, good luck
 

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