Every day - Moments for Recovery/Development

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Abstamyous

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2020
Messages
1,690
Reaction score
1,285
Location
Canada
Hey, ALL!

I am an alcoholic, almost at 3 years of sobriety, working on the "development" part of my living. Alcohol wasn't my first addiction, as I have always had the need to be obsessed with something.

Over the years, I have developed a feeling of not having anywhere to "grow roots". I have felt the need to "escape" since I was young child, starting with the need to escape school, escape parents, relationships, and eventually myself through drinking.

I have lived a lot of my life backwards, believing I could rewrite history, or even just be better. And, perhaps in many ways, I was better. But inside, I was hollow.

At my core, I fear not having value. I fear what happens when things go quiet, so I often find myself in situations where things are more chaotic. More than I'd normally like to admit, I fall into the victim role, and become resentful. I often try to put myself into some "machine" role, where I can hide from my own feelings through working. It always comes back, though.

As I said goodbye to 2020, I thought about the things I would like to welcome into my life. More gratitude, trust in my personal life, and being okay with who I am. I welcome saying "no" to things that just don't work for me, as well "yes" to things I should be more open minded towards.

Sounds cheesy, right?

I am someone who ponders life often, and find myself having all sorts of realizations.

I thought, perhaps a little selfishly, that it would be nice to have a thread to share stories of recovery/development. Doesn't have to be limited to addiction issues. All stories of growth welcome. As well as articles, videos, and music that perhaps really speak to who you are becoming as a person. Who were you, who are you now, who do you wish to be? Your story is yours, and you are important!

I will come back daily (or several times a day), to share something that I have found that stood out to me.

Thank you for taking the time to check this thread out!
 
Hi Amy,

Thanks for putting this thread up, the day-to-day element can be a big problem for a lot of people. There was a time a few years ago when I was having a kind of breakdown, I used to find talking to friends and doing group therapy sessions really helpful, but then it would always fade once I was on my own in the world and I'd be in the same pickle by the time I spoke to anyone again. The personal, solitary thinking time can be really counter-productive and it's a very good idea to have ways of keeping strong.

I think that your New Year aspirations are a great thing, trying to be someone you're not and/or trying to fit in by tactical means can end up feeling really shallow. You are yourself and that is enough, how you live and what your tastes and views are is all that matters. Be yourself and be proud of it, you can't live life by being someone else or trying to please other people.

Wishing you all the best.
 
Nice post Amy! I prefer to be happy. It surprises me how many people like to be sad. I just don't understand that. Being sad sucks. And still others feel more comfortable to be sad and depressed. That at least makes sense. It can be very difficult to get motivated when you feel like crap. Medication and therapy are used to persuade people to be positive. But, at the end of the day, it's still one's choice to accept their circumstances and how they perceive the world. Anything can be interrupted as positive or negative. It's nice to see you searching for the positives. If you want to try something new, give laugh therapy a try. It's hard to be sad when you are smiling and laughing.
 
Thank you for your responses, Yeti and Finished! I really appreciate your words.

It's funny, Finished, that you mentioned laughing therapy. A lot of my interactions lately, seem to contain a lot of laughing. It's very therapeutic to laugh myself, as well as listen to someone else almost piss their pants :D And for me, it doesn't take much to get me laughing hard!


The Language of Letting Go - Jan 3 - Nurturing Self Care

Every time I read a phrase such as, "You can trust yourself" my gut reaction is, "Have you met me?"

I don't know if that's an initial reaction I will ever grow out of, but I act like I trust myself anyways. I can trust myself to get up, make my coffee and enjoy the sips. I can trust myself to calm down in tense situations. I can trust myself to get kids fed, bills paid and just show up in general into my life.

And even on my epic fail days, trusting myself gets me further than doubting myself. It feels like a little bit of the toxicity gets scraped away with every move forward. Who knows? Maybe one day, I will wake up and say, "I really do trust myself".
 
Congrats on your sobriety! That's quite an accomplishment. One of my friends has been sober for over 10+ years and his life turned around completely. Plus, both of my grandfathers drank and smoked themselves to death, so my immediate family pretty much put the kibosh on the juice. So I don't really drink at all because a few doctors told me that I have "bad genes" for that. So I made a pretty good dinner companion for my sober friend, but now he's married to a drinker and everything is fine. She orders booze, he doesn't. No tension.

I second the laugh therapy. So many people take too many things too seriously. This doesn't work with everything, but I try to see the world as more ridiculous than tragic. I've tried to spread the message of absurdism. The world is just absurd and often hilarious. There isn't too much we can do about it, either. This doesn't work for everyone, but it's often worked for me.
 
Amy, this is awesome!

From knowing you for a few years now, I can say you really have changed for the better. There is a positive aura about you that wasn't there before. I am proud of you! Keep going girl!
 
Yes, congrats on your sobriety, Amy. It really is an amazing accomplishment and I've seen a change in you over the years.

As for me, I won't share my story here for various reasons, but I'm not opposed to talking about it elsewhere. For those that have been here since I first came to ALL, I would hope that they have seen the changes in me, but I know some probably haven't or are too bullheaded to even try to see it. I have come a long way and I'm no longer the angry person I was when I first got here. I wouldn't change anything I've gone through because it made me who I am today and I'm proud of that person. I'll never be done bettering and improving myself because there is always room for improvement.
 
Hi Amy, A sincere congratulations on your 3 years! I lost a family member (or two) to addiction issues so hearing success story such as yours helps return a little hope. Stay on track.

I like what you said, "More gratitude, trust in my personal life, and being okay with who I am." I always practice gratitude and continuously work on accepting "me".

As you mentioned, "... a thread to share stories of recovery/development" ..... my story: I think it started when I went to see therapist. it took about four weeks of me explaining various situations in my life for her to tell me I was 'angry'. I stayed with the therapist for about another 8 months as she helped me put names to other emotions I could not understand. Learning to control my reactive behavior was a big challenge. I saw two more therapists after that first one. To help manage my emotional responses and learn to maintain calmness I at last found what worked for me ...... the practice QiGong and T'ai Chi. I've been practicing T'ai Chi for about 8 years now... and found when I stop, I can feel the anxiety, self doubt and flood of other emotions ready to hit me like a tsunami. Crazy aye! I went to a yoga studio and obtained a full week pass to try all their classes - one class was QiGong and it was that class I stuck with... which then lead me to T'AI CHI. Meditation in motion.
 
Good morning.

Thank you for all of your responses! Was a nice way to wake up this morning.

Just Games - I did see what you wrote. Thank you for sharing with me. Feel free to PM me if you ever want.

Stardust - Thank you for sharing your story here. One thing that I've noticed about people around me, with long term recovery, is that a lot of them "move" in some way. T'ai Chi, yoga, running marathons, body building, the list is endless. It is amazing to me, that you have kept it up for so many years. Way to go!

Callie - Thank you for your friendship over the years. I know I have personally misjudged you from time to time, but I have always looked up to you. You kick ass! And am very grateful that you're in my life. :club:

Nicole - Thank you for your friendship as well! You carry yourself so incredibly well, and have such a great calm to you. I really admire the person that you are.

ewomack - Thank you for your response. I've never thought of the world as absurd instead of tragic. That is actually really great! I may borrow that for awhile :D



The Language of Letting Go - Jan 4 - Separating From Family Issues

This morning, I was reminded that my presence within my family, is often guided by guilt. Guilt because of who I have been, and guilt because I am now in a position where "no" is the best answer I can give. I can hope that my family will understand in the end, but I can't be forceful in the present day stuff. It's going to suck for awhile, but I trust that we will all get through it.
 
AmyTheTemperamental said:
The Language of Letting Go - Jan 5 - Accepting Help 

I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to admit I need help. I am pretty good at running myself down, before I admit I need help. I'm afraid of being undervalued if I have to ask, and I am also afraid of no help being available.

I still have problems asking for help.  I help anyone who asks and even some that don't ask, but yeah, there are times when I think that I'm afraid that if I ask for help or talk about how I feel, people just won't care. Thankfully, that's rare now, but when it hits, it's horrible.
 
AmyTheTemperamental said:
Good morning.

Thank you for all of your responses! Was a nice way to wake up this morning.

Just Games - I did see what you wrote. Thank you for sharing with me. Feel free to PM me if you ever want.

Stardust - Thank you for sharing your story here. One thing that I've noticed about people around me, with long term recovery, is that a lot of them "move" in some way. T'ai Chi, yoga, running marathons, body building, the list is endless. It is amazing to me, that you have kept it up for so many years. Way to go!

Callie - Thank you for your friendship over the years. I know I have personally misjudged you from time to time, but I have always looked up to you. You kick ass! And am very grateful that you're in my life. :club:

Nicole - Thank you for your friendship as well! You carry yourself so incredibly well, and have such a great calm to you. I really admire the person that you are.

ewomack - Thank you for your response. I've never thought of the world as absurd instead of tragic. That is actually really great! I may borrow that for awhile :D



The Language of Letting Go - Jan 4 - Separating From Family Issues

This morning, I was reminded that my presence within my family, is often guided by guilt. Guilt because of who I have been, and guilt because I am now in a position where "no" is the best answer I can give. I can hope that my family will understand in the end, but I can't be forceful in the present day stuff. It's going to suck for awhile, but I trust that we will all get through it.

Thanks, just seen this ,Amy very kind of you but I'm not that good at pms,venting, constructing conversations with people that I cant look in the eye.I was gonna do my longest post ever on here how I've not had a drink for seven months and how has it affected my family good and bad, thought it might help younger people who drink to help with loneliness but after today don't think i can.
 
Alcohol was my best friend for many years. I was a functioning alcoholic. It got me through many bad situations. It was always there for me whenever I needed it, which was quite often. I felt like all of life's weight was lifted off my shoulders when I drank. I could actually breath easier. I felt wondering. I never wanted to stop drinking. However, I could not control the amount I drank. I tried many, many times to only drink to a certain level. But, I continued to fail. I even tried changing the level. But it didn't matter. I would end up drinking excessively usually until all the alcohol near my was gone.

The thing I really loved to do was drink and drive excessively fast on both my motorcycle and in my vehicle in the early mornings in the middle of the week a few hours before the morning traffic started. Usually the police were done for the night and weren't around. It felt so amazingly free knowing that I was on the edge of living and dying as I passed people going over 100mph as if it was a video game. I did my best to avoid others and luckily I never collided with anyone else. But, I did end up all over the highway, into the median, in the ditch, the guard rails, and off the highway sometimes. I crashed several times and totaled two vehicles. Most of the time things went unnoticed. After the effects of the alcohol wore off I would realize how incredibly stupid doing that was. I didn't care about myself or my things. But, I could have killed and injured others. I vowed never to do it again and I meant it. But, it continued to happen as I continued to drink.

I finally decided I could not control my consumption period no matter what. So, I had to stop altogether. After I failed the third time I decided I needed to try something new. No, I didn't let anybody else know about it. It was my secrete. Although crashed vehicles aren't easy to dismiss. So, I started going to various court houses while sober to watch others that drank and drove and got caught, caused accidents, and harmed others. At the time, I was shocked at the high penalties and fines people received. They would loose their licenses and often their freedom for months and years. The victims would sometimes speak about how it effected them. It really hit home and made things real for me.

I wanted to continue to drink. Alcohol was still my best friend. I just wanted to control it. Other people did. But, I just couldn't. I finally realized that. So, I said no more ever period. I would never ever again buy any alcohol. I could do that because I was  sober. It wasn't like only drinking to a certain level. I had full control when I was sober. Sure, I wanted to drink. But, I just wouldn't buy any more or go anywhere that served alcohol. I had the DTs and felt horrible.  After a few weeks of not drinking I decided that I would never ever drink any alcohol no matter what period. I definitely craved it. I was still suffering. I wanted my friend back to make me feel better. But, I refused. It was torture.

I haven't drank a drop of alcohol for more then a decade now even when others pressured me to do so. I just said no and stuck to it period. I stopped craving alcohol after about 2.5 years or so. However, I was never able to replace the friend (alcohol) that I turned my back on. I have never felt as wonderful as I did when I was drinking and doing those stupid crazy things. I doubt I ever will. I also was having a hard time dealing with all the problems I had. Those didn't go away only my band aid.

So, I decided to start eliminating my problems. Over a two year period I completely changed my life. I came to the realization that I do not like being around other people and I wasn't going to force myself to do it any more. It was just too incredibly stressful for me. I simply could no longer do it without some kind of help. But, I had none. So, I quit working. That wasn't the only reason. But, it played a big part in my decision to do it. After that I focused on improving other areas of my life. I'm really glad I was able to do that. But, honestly I still wish I could have been able to control my drinking. Occasionally I would like something to escape reality. But, there is no way I'm going to ever tempt stepping over the line again with alcohol or any substance.
 
Hi Amy congrats on 3 years of sobriety! I've always had a precarious relationship with alcohol since my teenage years. I'm not ready to call it alcoholism but I tried to cut out alcohol this year but so far I've drinked everyday but only a tiny bit like a few sips, less than a glass a day! I've always said I can stop if I want to but I'm not so sure that's true anymore. 

As for development I've actually been thinking about this for awhile. Back in high school and especially college days, I've always thought of myself as the sad loser and I made being alone and depressed my identity. I spend the last 2 or 3 years shedding myself of that and I was largely successful, for awhile there I didn't see myself as the sad sack that deserved to be alone but that came with a weird problem of not having an identity anymore. If I'm not the sad loner guy, who am I? In times of mental crisis like I'm having last few days, it's hard not to fall back into that. 

Thanks for posting this thread where people like me can shared a little about themselves, I really appreciate it!
 
Finished - I apologize for not responding yesterday. Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of guts to be as honest as you have been. I am grateful that I was able to read more about you on that level.

The Language of Letting Go - Jan 7 - Dealing With Painful Feelings

*Raises hand*

This reading brought out a lot of guilt in me.

My household growing up was a don't be seen, don't be heard and don't share anything that could cause conflict. Even in the most happiest of moments, there was someone entangled into bitterness that guaranteed it wouldn't last.

Those were the times I felt the most helpless. When I couldn't ask why, or ask for what I needed. When I was told I shouldn't need anything, and should just be quiet. When I bottled up, and everything started to pour out in worse ways.

In my attempts to not feel crazy or alone, I have gathered "allies" behind others backs. I have manipulated situations, to feel good about myself in that situation. The truth is, I have never felt good about it. Now, I struggle with even sharing feelings about situations in my life, because I feel like a backstabber. And maybe, in other people's eyes, that is how I have been.

I would like to be that woman, that just says how it is. That airs it all out in that moment, to the appropriate person. But I am still very much that girl that hides away, deep inside. Afraid to say anything out in the open, where more than one person can hear. Always told to smile more, because I should have no reason to feel anything like pain.

And now I wonder to myself, what if I could freely express my pain the way I do my happiness? I guess we will find out.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top