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I'm sorry if I'm using this place as an outlet when feeling down.  I know I already posted a similar thread.

Usually, I have periodic bouts of happiness.  

Periods where I feel better.   Like a normal human being.  The truth is, they are getting fewer.

The truth is, I have failed at life thus far.  If I died, outside my family and work colleagues, I could count on the fingers of one hand how many people would attend.  I work through a night-time admin job.   I sleep through the day most of the time.   In that job, I feel I haven't been giving it my all recently.

My outlet is typically writing stories.  I have struggled to motivate myself to so much as put pen to paper recently.

And I realise this is boo hoo hoo.  Poor me.   It's totally narcissistic and I hate myself more for it.

The past week have made things clear in my mind.  

My Aunt died.  Surrounded by her partner and son.   Her Grandchildren survive her.  She lived, albeit with struggles a good life.  She did things.   All I do is lie in my bed, not even bothering to close the curtains, telling the time of day by the light in the room.  

And then there is bigger stuff.   I don't want to go into that though.

I won't do anything to myself.   But sometimes I wonder.

What's the fucking point?

Well, there's hope that things might get better. They usually do. Just think about that while you're taking care of the required crap. Life is not so easy any more. My grand parents never finished high school. But, they had a very simply, happy, full life. I don't think they could have handled today's world. The best thing you can do is set very attainable goals that lead you to whatever path you believe you want. You will eventually get there. Reward yourself at each step. You are the only one that can control how you feel. It's all about perception. Too many people fall into full on depression and think there is no hope. That's a very difficult trap to get out of. Don't let that happen to you.
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Sounds like a rough time, and it is okay to have some dark days. We all have them. Vent away...we all need it.

I hope a spark pops up that makes you want to write. This time of year it is difficult to find motivation.

Hi RedT,

Working nights can be a real drain, I used to work in a late night restaurant and wouldn't get home till maybe 4am. Sleeping in the day, getting ready for work and working seemed to be my cycle, it's basically very difficult to lead a productive life when you work nights. That's my experience anyway. Don't blame yourself for feeling a bit zombie and wondering where all your time is going. It's why there's extra pay for night shifts (even though in the long run the money never makes up for the disruption, OMHO).

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt, but don't write yourself off or start feeling as though nobody would miss you. In my experience, there are a surprising number of people who will show they care when it matters. I hope this doesn't sound too cheesy, but back in the spring I had a bout of Covid in the run up to my birthday. I sometimes get texts or a card or two, but 2020 was apparently the year to send me gifts, cards, messages etc etc. It was a real surprise to someone like me, who often thought the things that you're thinking now about not mattering much.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. You've mentioned that you write. I understand that you have no motivation but sometimes it helps to go back to the things you've already written and which could remind you of what made you start writing in the first place.

So the Angel said: 'Thy phantasy has imposed upon me
& thou oughtest to be ashamed.'
I answer'd: 'We impose on one another ,
& it is but lost time to converse with you
whose works are only Analytics.'

Opposition is True Friendship

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