theheronbaron
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- Joined
- Oct 28, 2020
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Hello all; I apologize for the rant but I'm not really a journaling type and I need some way of getting this off of my chest, so, uh, enjoy the read I suppose?
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My best friend and I have known each other since the third grade, but out of all these years we've been friends, we only ever got to live in the same town for about two years, what with our parents being in the military and frequently moving. As I moved from one area to the next, she was the only person to maintain consistent, regular contact with me, and as a result she quickly became my best friend.
By the time I was in my third year of college, she was the only real constant in my life outside of my immediate family. Since the last time we had met, I had lived in three different states, attended five different schools, and seen countless friendships come and go. I loved her, and I knew that she loved me, but at the time it was purely platonic; I was in a long-term relationship, and had been for a little over three years, and while she didn't like my partner, she still supported me throughout it all.
That year, though, the relationship ended, and for the first few months I was fine. But I'm not very good at picking up on social cues, and long story short I eventually realized that I had just barely gotten out of an extremely toxic relationship. The revelation completely destroyed my self-esteem, and with that my mental health just went down the drain. My grades dropped, I started isolating myself from friends, I wound up in the hospital more times in a single month than during my entire high school career... I was in a really, really bad place.
But eventually my best friend found out, and she single-handedly pulled me out of it and convinced me to start seeing a therapist. She quite possibly saved my life, and she must have known that, because she made me promise that I would start being more open with her about my feelings. And for a while, I was.
Fast forward a few years, and we're finally living in the same state. Opposite ends, sure, but close enough that I actually had the opportunity to go and visit her for her birthday. It was an absolute blast, and we made up for lost time with some deep conversations, several laughs, and a decent amount of alcohol. But we shared the celebrations with her boyfriend, and she was all over him. At first, she'd just sit next to him and give him a peck on the cheek. But as the night went on, the pecks became full kisses, then cuddling, then full-fledged makeouts.
And as the night went on, I got more and more jealous. Here was a complete and total stranger, at least to me, just waltzing into my best friend's life, taking the center stage and sweeping her off her feet. She gets to see him everyday, while I'm just here for the weekend, and she's spending all this time with him? I want that attention, I want those looks that she gives him, I want... oh honeysuckle.
Just like that, I knew that I had fallen for her. Or, to be more accurate, had already fallen for her, possibly all the way back to when she had helped me get over my disastrous breakup.
But here's the thing; despite how jealous of her boyfriend I was, he's a really great guy. Super smart, super nice, and best of all, he treats her like a princess. More importantly, though, it was obvious just how much she loved him. So as I left that weekend, I swore to myself that I would keep my feelings to myself for as long as she was in the relationship, possibly for a while afterwards too if they ever broke up. Telling her about my feelings would be an incredibly selfish thing to do, and isn't fair to either of them. And I was not going to throw a grenade of that size into their relationship.
It's been several months since then, and unfortunately my feelings for my best friend haven't faded away like I'd hoped they would. I am still very much in love with her, despite not having seen her at all since that birthday party, and her relationship is still going strong. They moved in together before the pandemic struck, and while they fight like any other couple, they usually make up within a few hours. It's so stable, in fact, that during a video call a few days ago, she mentioned how she might accept a proposal from him if he did so at least a year or so from now.
I don't think I've ever really contemplated having to keep my feelings for her to myself for the rest of my life. I desperately want to tell her how I feel, just so that I can get this huge weight off of my chest, but there's no way that I could do anything to ruin something good that she's found. I don't know what to do anymore, and it just feels like the longer I have to keep this secret, the more miserable I'm going to be.
If you've read this to the end, then thanks for bearing with me. I'm trying to find ways to get at least some of this burden off my chest, so I appreciate everyone who took the time to read about my problems. I'm not really looking for advice, but if you happen to have any, then I'm all ears. Either way, though, thanks.
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]tl;dr: I fell in love with my best friend, but she lives far away and is in a stable, loving relationship that I really don't want to disturb. But I really want to tell her how I feel, so... problems.[/font]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My best friend and I have known each other since the third grade, but out of all these years we've been friends, we only ever got to live in the same town for about two years, what with our parents being in the military and frequently moving. As I moved from one area to the next, she was the only person to maintain consistent, regular contact with me, and as a result she quickly became my best friend.
By the time I was in my third year of college, she was the only real constant in my life outside of my immediate family. Since the last time we had met, I had lived in three different states, attended five different schools, and seen countless friendships come and go. I loved her, and I knew that she loved me, but at the time it was purely platonic; I was in a long-term relationship, and had been for a little over three years, and while she didn't like my partner, she still supported me throughout it all.
That year, though, the relationship ended, and for the first few months I was fine. But I'm not very good at picking up on social cues, and long story short I eventually realized that I had just barely gotten out of an extremely toxic relationship. The revelation completely destroyed my self-esteem, and with that my mental health just went down the drain. My grades dropped, I started isolating myself from friends, I wound up in the hospital more times in a single month than during my entire high school career... I was in a really, really bad place.
But eventually my best friend found out, and she single-handedly pulled me out of it and convinced me to start seeing a therapist. She quite possibly saved my life, and she must have known that, because she made me promise that I would start being more open with her about my feelings. And for a while, I was.
Fast forward a few years, and we're finally living in the same state. Opposite ends, sure, but close enough that I actually had the opportunity to go and visit her for her birthday. It was an absolute blast, and we made up for lost time with some deep conversations, several laughs, and a decent amount of alcohol. But we shared the celebrations with her boyfriend, and she was all over him. At first, she'd just sit next to him and give him a peck on the cheek. But as the night went on, the pecks became full kisses, then cuddling, then full-fledged makeouts.
And as the night went on, I got more and more jealous. Here was a complete and total stranger, at least to me, just waltzing into my best friend's life, taking the center stage and sweeping her off her feet. She gets to see him everyday, while I'm just here for the weekend, and she's spending all this time with him? I want that attention, I want those looks that she gives him, I want... oh honeysuckle.
Just like that, I knew that I had fallen for her. Or, to be more accurate, had already fallen for her, possibly all the way back to when she had helped me get over my disastrous breakup.
But here's the thing; despite how jealous of her boyfriend I was, he's a really great guy. Super smart, super nice, and best of all, he treats her like a princess. More importantly, though, it was obvious just how much she loved him. So as I left that weekend, I swore to myself that I would keep my feelings to myself for as long as she was in the relationship, possibly for a while afterwards too if they ever broke up. Telling her about my feelings would be an incredibly selfish thing to do, and isn't fair to either of them. And I was not going to throw a grenade of that size into their relationship.
It's been several months since then, and unfortunately my feelings for my best friend haven't faded away like I'd hoped they would. I am still very much in love with her, despite not having seen her at all since that birthday party, and her relationship is still going strong. They moved in together before the pandemic struck, and while they fight like any other couple, they usually make up within a few hours. It's so stable, in fact, that during a video call a few days ago, she mentioned how she might accept a proposal from him if he did so at least a year or so from now.
I don't think I've ever really contemplated having to keep my feelings for her to myself for the rest of my life. I desperately want to tell her how I feel, just so that I can get this huge weight off of my chest, but there's no way that I could do anything to ruin something good that she's found. I don't know what to do anymore, and it just feels like the longer I have to keep this secret, the more miserable I'm going to be.
If you've read this to the end, then thanks for bearing with me. I'm trying to find ways to get at least some of this burden off my chest, so I appreciate everyone who took the time to read about my problems. I'm not really looking for advice, but if you happen to have any, then I'm all ears. Either way, though, thanks.
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]tl;dr: I fell in love with my best friend, but she lives far away and is in a stable, loving relationship that I really don't want to disturb. But I really want to tell her how I feel, so... problems.[/font]
