Continual issues with anxiety and dating

Hi folks, I think it’s been almost four years since I last posted on here.

I guess I’m back because, well, I still feel to a large degree like I have so many problems, mainly with dating, and it is something that I’m worried is going to mean I never find someone.

I should say that I’m not really the romantic type. I don’t believe in the idea of ‘the one’ - the person you settle down with and love forever, and I’m sure a lot of people share the cynicism for that ideal. My ideal relationship is kinda like a best friend that you have sex with and maybe spend a little more time with. I’m not really about flowers and serenades. However I have gone pretty much my whole life without a single long-term relationship, my longest was under three months.

Over the last four years I have seen several women, in a brief and casual sense, and for a period of time I even felt confident in myself and my ability to talk to women I was interested in romantically, but over time this confidence has faded and I have no idea how to get it back. Lately, it’s been especially hard as almost all of my closest friends have been entering back into intimate relationships with people, and I am yet again making no progress in that area.

I find with people I date these days that I am returning to my old anxious habits, overthinking everything, becoming too infatuated with the person I am seeing, and thus being unable to function on a normal social level.

I should also say I do have a lot of female friends, perhaps more than I have male friends, who I have no issue talking to. It is only when there is a prospect of there being something more with a woman that I feel the anxiety and start overthinking everything.

I think now that the only reason I was able to see the women I was seeing before is because I suppressed the part of my mind that wanted an emotional connection to someone, and now that I’m not anymore, the anxiety has returned.

I’m not going to pretend like my life is so terrible. I have lots of great friends, and things are starting to take shape in positive ways in other aspects of life, but I can’t really escape that feeling of loneliness that always re-emerges for me so often when I’m going to bed at night alone, and thinking about the one person I want to be with, or worse, when I have no one to be infatuated by, or maybe I just got rejected by them, and my mind just wanders to all the things I might’ve done wrong, trying to work out in my head if there’s still some possible way to be with them.

But what I think I hate about this feeling the most is that it feels fresh every time. I know logically that once I find another person I’ll be over the last immediately, but the feelings stay the same - the crippling anxiety never seems to improve no matter how many women I try to date, and I just see myself repeating the same thing over and over again. It’s very much like a weird romantic purgatory.

Anyway, I really just wanted to vent this, but I would appreciate any advice if anyone has been through something similar.


Thanks folks

^ Well, you already know what you have to do. But, I'll make it easier for you to do that. When dealing with women you want to date, NOT your girl friends, pretend you are playing the role of a normal womanizing ahole. Play the guy that all the girls want. YOU are not seeking to date them. Your character is. If they reject you. No big deal because they are actually rejecting the character you're playing not the real YOU. Do NOT get attached to them just like a womanizing ahole wouldn't do. YOU should not get emotionally involved. You'll want to be honest with them. But don't do it. Just keep focusing on playing the role. It's the easiest way to keep your real feelings and insecurities out of it. Then after you land a girl start being yourself. Most people don't show their true selves for months anyway when getting to know someone else. So, do it more intentionally.