Should i go back to her?

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Sunless Sky

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Hello everyone,

I have been thinking about this dilemma i am having for a while now and i decided i needed some outside perspective(s) on it.

First, some backstory.

I met this woman on this site when i first joined with my first ever account (deleted now). We hit it off almost immedialtely and the daily messages started. We became good friends in a matter of weeks as we were sharing very personal things with each other (i dont know if thats a good thing or we both just didnt have well defined boundaries). She had a boyfriend and we would sometimes talk about her relationship (which was abusive). I would give her advice on how to fix the problems she was having in her relationship. Time passed and our bond grew stronger. One day we just gave in and said those three words to each other: "I love you" despite the obvious problem of her being in a relationship already. We carried on our daily correspondance with each other and while i was enjoying every second i spent with her, the nagging voice telling me this was wrong never went away. Then came the day were we would inevitabley address this problem. While i clearly said i was not okay with the current situation, i didnt do anything about it at the time. I didnt want to let her go. Over time, the voice would eat away at me until one day we had that conversation again. This time i didnt back down and ended things.

Some important tidbits to note: we discussed moving our relationship to the real world, i was even prepared to travel to her country to visit her but she said she was, and i quote, "poison" and that we shouldnt meet because she is too "damaged" to have a real relationship. 

Now onto the dilemma.

I learned recently that she left her boyfriend and is now living on her own. Should i get back in touch with her? She has my email and as such could contact me anytime she wanted but she hasnt. She only contacted me once after the relationship was over saying she thinks about me from time to time. Is the fact she hasnt gotten in touch me meaning she doesnt want to resume our relationship?. I still think about her from time to time and miss the connection we had.

What do you guys think?

If you have gotten this far then thank you for reading my post.

Best regards and stay safe everyone
 
I also say no.
Even if she did really want to be with you, she was in an abusive relationship. I can almost guarantee you any relationship you have with her right now would never work. She is, for lack of better phrasing, damaged goods right now and she needs to work that out on her own, without another person swooping in to rescue her.
 
Sunless Sky said:
AmyTheTemperamental said:
I say no.

Whats reasoning behind your answer amy? do you share callie's opinion?

I would very much like to know.

I'm not sure I believe that she's too much of damaged goods to be with. I hope you don't feel like I am discrediting your feelings, as I do believe you felt love there. But I think you were more of an escape for each other, than a relationship. I can only go by what you wrote, though.

I think that it's very telling that she didn't reach out to you. There could be a lot of reasons for this. But I think when we doubt things in our life, it's easy to fall for how it was and desire those relationships back.
 
AmyTheTemperamental said:
I'm not sure I believe that she's too much of damaged goods to be with.

No, that's not quite what I meant.  It's not that she's too damaged to be with, it's more she's too damaged to have anything but a temporary rebound relationship.  There are exceptions, of course, but they are unlikely.
 
TheRealCallie said:
AmyTheTemperamental said:
I'm not sure I believe that she's too much of damaged goods to be with.

No, that's not quite what I meant.  It's not that she's too damaged to be with, it's more she's too damaged to have anything but a temporary rebound relationship.  There are exceptions, of course, but they are unlikely.

I hear you now.
 
Ha! ha! Okay, so much for love..... Ha! Ha! 

Now how about a guy's point of view:

She may very well be thinking the same thing, "He knows that I'm single now. Why is he not making a lot of effort for me? Am I not worth it? Why was he making so much effort when I had a boyfriend. Maybe he didn't / doesn't really love me." When both people are thinking similar things nothing will happen.

This is what I have done and would do again: I say take charge, you are the man. Step up to the plate. Contact her, tell her how you fell, and ask how she feels. Then state your concerns and ask her about her concerns. I'm not saying you should start something up or not. I don't know your situation. But, I am saying discus things with her. Also, if it's within your means, plan out a vacation near where she is. Do it on the cheap if you need to. Then you can see her and decide together if you want to do something about your feelings or not. If not then you can feel great that you made the effort and can then enjoy your vacation.

Obviously you need to be careful. There are sooooooo many scammers out there. Don't be totally shocked if she is actually a guy pretending to be a woman. Probably not. But be prepared for any outcome so you will be safe. That should be your primary focus.

****. I just read that again. Maybe I am gay. Ha! Ha! Don't tell anybody else I gave you advice that basically says follow your heart! Ha! Ha!
 
In my experience.. it never hurts to check in on people. You do not need to have an ulterior motive to want to know how someone is doing out of the care you feel for them. Just don't invest too much of yourself without the same.. she sounds damaged, obviously would be out of an abusive relationship, however the fact she is single now could indicate she has a better and healthy perspective about what she deserves and decided to leave for good.
Suppose you won't know much unless you reach out.
 
None of us know you or this said girl that deeply, to give you solid opinions. Whatever we say may not apply. She could very well be in a damaged state of mind. She may also be waiting for you to take the first step. Whatever it is, you know her better than all of us here. No matter what we say, you may have a selective perception on the subject and ofcourse you should have it. You should ask yourself rather. What do you want to do? If you need a more focused opinion, I suggest you ask a person who knew you both well..
 
I don't want to sound like a prick but what you describe leads me to think she was never sexually attracted to you at all but just saw you as the emotional support nice guy to unload on about the dude she was actually into.
 
Sanal said:
None of us know you or this said girl that deeply, to give you solid opinions. Whatever we say may not apply. She could very well be in a damaged state of mind. She may also be waiting for you to take the first step. Whatever it is, you know her better than all of us here. No matter what we say, you may have a selective perception on the subject and ofcourse you should have it. You should ask yourself rather. What do you want to do? If you need a more focused opinion, I suggest you ask a person who knew you both well..

That is exactly why your perspective(s) are valuable. Sometimes it helps to get opinions from people who are completely removed from the situation and therefore completely removed from bias.


LostintheBardo said:
I don't want to sound like a prick but what you describe leads me to think she was never sexually attracted to you at all but just saw you as the emotional support nice guy to unload on about the dude she was actually into.

You don't sound like a prick at all mate, that's a completely valid conclusion to reach given the information provided to you. For your information though, we were in fact sexually attracted to each other as we used to have virtual sex together on voice chat. We even shared pictures with each other.
 
I personally think you should atleast talk to her. She may need you right now, as a friend. Maybe the relationship stand, take it slow. If you consider yourself as a true friend, give out your friendship and expect nothing in return. I believe that's what good human beings should do. Help others in need without expecting anything in return. You may get screwed over. But that has to be ok with you, as in that is a risk that you must be willing to take. Ofcourse, this is my perception. You (or anybody) don't need to agree with me. All of you are free to have your own thinking. I respect that.
 
Finished said:
Ha! ha! Okay, so much for love..... Ha! Ha! 

Now how about a guy's point of view:

She may very well be thinking the same thing, "He knows that I'm single now. Why is he not making a lot of effort for me? Am I not worth it? Why was he making so much effort when I had a boyfriend. Maybe he didn't / doesn't really love me." When both people are thinking similar things nothing will happen.

She doesn't know that I know she is single. There is no way for her to know as I am using a different account from the one I was using before when we were together. Appreciate your point though finished, some part of me thinks and wants to just contact her and get it over with despite the possible pain.
 
Sanal said:
I personally think you should at least talk to her. She may need you right now, as a friend. Maybe the relationship stand, take it slow. If you consider yourself as a true friend, give out your friendship and expect nothing in return. I believe that's what good human beings should do. Help others in need without expecting anything in return. You may get screwed over. But that has to be ok with you, as in that is a risk that you must be willing to take. Of course, this is my perception. You (or anybody) don't need to agree with me. All of you are free to have your own thinking. I respect that.

Thanks for your input zak (is that your real name?). There is definitely the possibility of getting hurt badly if I contact her. I have actually considered the possibility of being a friend to her but that gets me thinking "What if I meet someone in real life in the future? would it be okay to still be friends with a person I used to have feelings for? would that be fair to my future partner?"

That's 2 for no and 3 for yes so far, wonder if ill get more responses.
 
Sunless Sky said:
Sanal said:
I personally think you should at least talk to her. She may need you right now, as a friend. Maybe the relationship stand, take it slow. If you consider yourself as a true friend, give out your friendship and expect nothing in return. I believe that's what good human beings should do. Help others in need without expecting anything in return. You may get screwed over. But that has to be ok with you, as in that is a risk that you must be willing to take. Of course, this is my perception. You (or anybody) don't need to agree with me. All of you are free to have your own thinking. I respect that.

Thanks for your input zak (is that your real name?). There is definitely the possibility of getting hurt badly if I contact her. I have actually considered the possibility of being a friend to her but that gets me thinking "What if I meet someone in real life in the future? would it be okay to still be friends with a person I used to have feelings for? would that be fair to my future partner?"

That's 2 for no and 3 for yes so far, wonder if ill get more responses.
My real name isn't Zak. But you can call me Zak.

Note: Below mentioned are my views, my opinions, and what I perceive through the post. I can be wrong.

The point that you mentioned about meeting someone in real life after being friends with her. This is exactly what I wanted to point out here. A friendship with this thinking is not what I meant. It sounds to me like you are willing to be her friend only if there are some feelings involved. It sounds as if you are not going to give it a 100 percent and you are unsure about the whole relationship since it is LDR. If you think LDRs are not better than real life then do not get involved in an LDR relationship. Just go with friendship. We can all be in real life relationships, and have a penpal or a dear friend online whom we care a lot about (without any partnership desires included). I am not even sure if I am making my point clear here. I think I am losing my grip with my phrasing. I hope I don't sound like an idiot with no sense.
 
Sanal said:
Sunless Sky said:
Sanal said:
I personally think you should at least talk to her. She may need you right now, as a friend. Maybe the relationship stand, take it slow. If you consider yourself as a true friend, give out your friendship and expect nothing in return. I believe that's what good human beings should do. Help others in need without expecting anything in return. You may get screwed over. But that has to be ok with you, as in that is a risk that you must be willing to take. Of course, this is my perception. You (or anybody) don't need to agree with me. All of you are free to have your own thinking. I respect that.

Thanks for your input zak (is that your real name?). There is definitely the possibility of getting hurt badly if I contact her. I have actually considered the possibility of being a friend to her but that gets me thinking "What if I meet someone in real life in the future? would it be okay to still be friends with a person I used to have feelings for? would that be fair to my future partner?"

That's 2 for no and 3 for yes so far, wonder if ill get more responses.
My real name isn't Zak. But you can call me Zak.

Note: Below mentioned are my views, my opinions, and what I perceive through the post. I can be wrong.

The point that you mentioned about meeting someone in real life after being friends with her. This is exactly what I wanted to point out here. A friendship with this thinking is not what I meant. It sounds to me like you are willing to be her friend only if there are some feelings involved. It sounds as if you are not going to give it a 100 percent and you are unsure about the whole relationship since it is LDR. If you think LDRs are not better than real life then do not get involved in an LDR relationship. Just go with friendship. We can all be in real life relationships, and have a penpal or a dear friend online whom we care a lot about (without any partnership desires included). I am not even sure if I am making my point clear here. I think I am losing my grip with my phrasing. I hope I don't sound like an idiot with no sense.

Believe me, I want to be friends with her, feelings or not. My point is, if you think about this in the longterm, no matter what ends up happening, the fact of the matter is, we used to have feelings for each other. So if you flip the script, I certainly would not be okay with my significant other being friends with someone she used to have feelings for, and as such shouldn't I apply the same philosophy to myself? get what I mean?
 
Yes, I understand. That is purely subjective. I can't speak for you but my perception is that being friends with an ex is ok. I am ok if my partner keeps the friendship too. But, like I said, it is subjective. I respect your view so with that in mind, yes it may cause issues if your significant other is not ok with it.
 
I would reach out. She might not have contacted you because she might think you don't want her to.

No matter what you were friends, and sound like a good one to her, reaching out to say Hello is ok, if you have no expectation. You might always wonder if you don't.
 
Autumntranspire said:
In my experience.. it never hurts to check in on people. You do not need to have an ulterior motive to want to know how someone is doing out of the care you feel for them.

Don't want to get too off topic here, but I just wanted to say I like this thought.
 

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