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#11
Hi Fay,  glad you are here to get and share some support!  It seems like it is not uncommon for long-time marriages to drift apart to where the partners may feel less connected.  I know my husband and I have fewer shared interests now at this stage of our marriage just because our individual interests have changed over time.  So there are still a few things that we do together but there is also a lot more that we do separately than during the first several years of our marriage.  If you would like to talk about it, are there particular things that you think are contributing to your feelings of loneliness?
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#12
Hi. What troubles?
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#13
(02-19-2021, 05:22 AM)Sunless Sky Wrote: Welcome to the forum. Hope you find what you are looking for here. 

How come you are feeling lonely in your marriage?

I guess from my other posts, you know by now! Husband is angry, I avoid him a lot of the time.

(02-19-2021, 05:50 AM)kvolm2016 Wrote: Hi Fay,  glad you are here to get and share some support!  It seems like it is not uncommon for long-time marriages to drift apart to where the partners may feel less connected.  I know my husband and I have fewer shared interests now at this stage of our marriage just because our individual interests have changed over time.  So there are still a few things that we do together but there is also a lot more that we do separately than during the first several years of our marriage.  If you would like to talk about it, are there particular things that you think are contributing to your feelings of loneliness?

(02-21-2021, 06:16 PM)Kristina Wrote: Hi. What troubles?

I've written a few other posts...so I won't go into too much detail, but I'm lonely because I don't feel like my husband loves me anymore, or that he resents me is more like it. He never wants to do anything with me anymore yet makes demands on my time if I want time alone to recharge. We do have a lot in common but he's chronically lazy. And he's filled with anger towards me for things that are out of my control. I'm actually quite miserable with him these days.
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#14
(02-23-2021, 11:47 PM)Fay F Wrote:
(02-19-2021, 05:22 AM)Sunless Sky Wrote: Welcome to the forum. Hope you find what you are looking for here. 

How come you are feeling lonely in your marriage?

I guess from my other posts, you know by now! Husband is angry, I avoid him a lot of the time.

(02-19-2021, 05:50 AM)kvolm2016 Wrote: Hi Fay,  glad you are here to get and share some support!  It seems like it is not uncommon for long-time marriages to drift apart to where the partners may feel less connected.  I know my husband and I have fewer shared interests now at this stage of our marriage just because our individual interests have changed over time.  So there are still a few things that we do together but there is also a lot more that we do separately than during the first several years of our marriage.  If you would like to talk about it, are there particular things that you think are contributing to your feelings of loneliness?

(02-21-2021, 06:16 PM)Kristina Wrote: Hi. What troubles?

I've written a few other posts...so I won't go into too much detail, but I'm lonely because I don't feel like my husband loves me anymore, or that he resents me is more like it. He never wants to do anything with me anymore yet makes demands on my time if I want time alone to recharge. We do have a lot in common but he's chronically lazy. And he's filled with anger towards me for things that are out of my control. I'm actually quite miserable with him these days.

Are the two of you able to talk about his anger and resentment and how they make you feel?  Would working with a marriage counselor be an option?
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#15
(02-25-2021, 03:57 PM)kvolm2016 Wrote: Are the two of you able to talk about his anger and resentment and how they make you feel?  Would working with a marriage counselor be an option?

Well, he laughs at any type of therapy or self-help, so I guess no, it's not an option. When I talk to him about it he gets angry.
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#16
(02-27-2021, 02:09 AM)Fay F Wrote:
(02-25-2021, 03:57 PM)kvolm2016 Wrote: Are the two of you able to talk about his anger and resentment and how they make you feel?  Would working with a marriage counselor be an option?

Well, he laughs at any type of therapy or self-help, so I guess no, it's not an option. When I talk to him about it he gets angry.

I guess that is not surprising but I'm sorry to hear it.  Since he is not in a place where he is willing to deal with his issues and the relationship issues, would you consider doing counseling on your own?  That might at least give you some strategies for how to communicate with him and deal with his issues so they are not having such a negative impact on you.
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#17
(02-27-2021, 06:57 AM)kvolm2016 Wrote: I guess that is not surprising but I'm sorry to hear it.  Since he is not in a place where he is willing to deal with his issues and the relationship issues, would you consider doing counseling on your own?  That might at least give you some strategies for how to communicate with him and deal with his issues so they are not having such a negative impact on you.

Well, since I posted my intro, so much has happened. He is now out of my home, living at a motel for the next week because I had to call the police on him for threatening me. He claims to want to work on his behaviour but we shall see. We've been together 16 years, the roots are deep, it wasn't always abusive. It wasn't always that I felt so lonely.

He has become complacent, apathetic, lazy...taking me for granted. I tolerated for too long in the name of keeping the peace because I'm not one who can handle anger and conflict. I am emotionally very sensitive and any negativity is absorbed into my spirit and brings me down terribly.

Right now I am in therapy and am taking a workshop with a Self-Esteem coach who is a lovely woman. I'm trying to heal.

My ultimate wish is that he would realize that he is toxic in the relationship, but that he is also an unhappy person and needs to figure out his life and what truly makes him happy, and that I cannot be the one to save him or be his caretaker/mom. Of course, I need to keep boundaries and continue to work on myself too.

I'm just diving into my art and focusing on me, my home and my furkids. I don't know how this will play out, but I always have hope. My therapist calls it "the disease of hope" when it comes to abused women (spouses).

But I'm an optimist and like I said, hope for the best. I have to just focus on myself and see how this unfolds!
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#18
(02-27-2021, 07:51 AM)Fay F Wrote:
(02-27-2021, 06:57 AM)kvolm2016 Wrote: I guess that is not surprising but I'm sorry to hear it.  Since he is not in a place where he is willing to deal with his issues and the relationship issues, would you consider doing counseling on your own?  That might at least give you some strategies for how to communicate with him and deal with his issues so they are not having such a negative impact on you.

Well, since I posted my intro, so much has happened. He is now out of my home, living at a motel for the next week because I had to call the police on him for threatening me. He claims to want to work on his behaviour but we shall see. We've been together 16 years, the roots are deep, it wasn't always abusive. It wasn't always that I felt so lonely.

He has become complacent, apathetic, lazy...taking me for granted. I tolerated for too long in the name of keeping the peace because I'm not one who can handle anger and conflict. I am emotionally very sensitive and any negativity is absorbed into my spirit and brings me down terribly.

Right now I am in therapy and am taking a workshop with a Self-Esteem coach who is a lovely woman. I'm trying to heal.

My ultimate wish is that he would realize that he is toxic in the relationship, but that he is also an unhappy person and needs to figure out his life and what truly makes him happy, and that I cannot be the one to save him or be his caretaker/mom. Of course, I need to keep boundaries and continue to work on myself too.

I'm just diving into my art and focusing on me, my home and my furkids. I don't know how this will play out, but I always have hope. My therapist calls it "the disease of hope" when it comes to abused women (spouses).

But I'm an optimist and like I said, hope for the best. I have to just focus on myself and see how this unfolds!

Thanks Fay for the update. I'm sorry that this incident happened but of course in the long run it certainly is better for you.  And yes 16 years is a long investment so you do recognize that it will take time to unravel the hurt and get to the healing.  But it sounds like you have great resources in place to be moving in a very positive direction.  Your strength will come and go throughout this process but in those moments of need, lean into the people around you who can lend you some of their strength for the moment so you can continue to move toward that hope for your future!
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#19
(03-04-2021, 03:48 PM)kvolm2016 Wrote: Thanks Fay for the update. I'm sorry that this incident happened but of course in the long run it certainly is better for you.  And yes 16 years is a long investment so you do recognize that it will take time to unravel the hurt and get to the healing.  But it sounds like you have great resources in place to be moving in a very positive direction.  Your strength will come and go throughout this process but in those moments of need, lean into the people around you who can lend you some of their strength for the moment so you can continue to move toward that hope for your future!

Thanks so much. I'm leaning on people who are very caring and I'm so grateful! I'll be posting an update on things today. I'm hoping to continue gaining strength as I heal.
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