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Falling Out Of Love
#1
Sad 
Hello everyone,

If you are in/were in a relationship...what are/were some of the signs that gave you the notion that you are/were falling out of love with your partner?

I'm in a tough situation where, for a long time, I suspected my husband stopped loving me because he no longer made an effort, became super controlling and also mean and nasty.

Now I'm wondering if I'm falling out of love with him.

1. He's annoying me now and I'm snapping at him (I feel so bad about that)
2. I have no physical attraction to him (though I try to "psyche myself up" by remembering why I fell in love with him)
3. I have daydreams of being on my own (not with another man, just alone)
4. He makes false promises, lip service and I feel disappointed a lot of the time (I've started not to rely on him at all)
5. I don't feel like including him in decisions I make anymore (I don't see him as an equal partner)
6. I tip toe around fearing I'll get "in trouble" (his anger, screaming, swearing causes me pain, the idea that he will do this causes me anxiety)
7. I don't want him with me when other people are around for fear he will embarrass me by being rude to them (he is very rude to people)
8. I lack compassion for his constant complaining (he loves to complain but never finds solutions, and won't hear of them)
9. I avoid him because of his negativity (I absorb his negativity at times, when I'm in a good mood, I suspect he tries to bring me down)
10. I'm giving up trying to communicate with a stone wall (it's not worth the effort)

I'm sure there's more. I really want our marriage to recover and thrive, but I feel either I'm fighting a losing battle; or he's completely given up; or I've completely given up. Then his mood swings and suddenly he loves me, can't live without me and I'm his soul mate.

This sure is tough. Nothing is black and white when the heart is involved! I wonder if I have the "Seven Year Itch" (Sixteen years married)
I'd love to find a way to rekindle our love...but when I mention it, he states that he refuses to do "homework" in a relationship.
It's so frustrating.

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#2
Love should be an endless supply of respect, honesty and loyalty. It should come from a place of having the best intentions.

You're not going to be able to change him. When I read your words, I can feel your exhaustion. The only thing you can change is how you react, and your own position in the marriage.

Do you feel like you have done everything you can do? Sometimes, that leaves no further options but departure.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own"
(Matthew 6:34)
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#3
I am going to assume he will not go to counseling, but have you ever thought of seeking that out for yourself? Sometimes being able to talk these things out with a person can help you come to a decision. You can still love him despite what you put above, but it is healthy for you? Happy, Healthy, and Safe are three things we have control over, and I imagine you feel safe in the marriage, but is it happy and healthy?

I am lucky, I went to counseling for my anger issues...and all the other issues. When my husband saw me improving and trying, he started to work too. We are a lot better, and he actually suggested to go to couples counseling because he has some things that he cannot figure out how to communicate to me. Marriages are not perfect. You will find that some people thinking that you get married and that's it. The end, we all live happily ever after. That's not true. You now get to go through life's obstacles with a partner, but you have to work at it. It is a lot of work, and I totally get the fantasies of just being alone.

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#4
There is a chance that once he sees you are serious, he could realize what he is doing and choose to change his manipulations and all that, but it's rare for that to happen in my own experience and the experiences I've heard about.
I would suggest counseling, whether it's a couple or you two individually, but he may not be willing to do that.

In the end, you need to remember that being miserable and unhappy isn't a life you want. If he isn't willing to put in any effort into making the marriage work for BOTH of you, he's already given up. You need to ask yourself if this is the life you want. Is this how you want to be treated.
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#5
(02-19-2021, 03:55 AM)AmyTheTemperamental Wrote: Love should be an endless supply of respect, honesty and loyalty. It should come from a place of having the best intentions.

You're not going to be able to change him. When I read your words, I can feel your exhaustion. The only thing you can change is how you react, and your own position in the marriage.

Do you feel like you have done everything you can do? Sometimes, that leaves no further options but departure.

That's a good question. I do feel like I've done so much to heal the marriage. Even keeping my mouth shut when he's hurt me because he doesn't want to talk about anything unpleasant. (Which I know is only catering to my need for peace of mind, not to please him).

I guess my therapy is my last ditch effort. I have a great social worker who is part of the Domestic Abuse network in my area. She's very supportive. I met a self-esteem coach who gives free workshops and she's just an email away which is nice. I'm doing her workshop. I'm exercising and eating well again. When I fall into depression, I forget about self-care. I'm growing as an artist. I have many positive friends online. I feel happy. Until I interact with him, then it's all negative and it brings me down again.

An endless supply of respect, honesty and loyalty. I have the loyalty and the (brutal) honesty but respect isn't there.
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#6
(02-19-2021, 03:59 AM)Nicolelt Wrote: I am going to assume he will not go to counseling, but have you ever thought of seeking that out for yourself? Sometimes being able to talk these things out with a person can help you come to a decision. You can still love him despite what you put above, but it is healthy for you? Happy, Healthy, and Safe are three things we have control over, and I imagine you feel safe in the marriage, but is it happy and healthy?

I am lucky, I went to counseling for my anger issues...and all the other issues. When my husband saw me improving and trying, he started to work too. We are a lot better, and he actually suggested to go to couples counseling because he has some things that he cannot figure out how to communicate to me. Marriages are not perfect. You will find that some people thinking that you get married and that's it. The end, we all live happily ever after. That's not true. You now get to go through life's  obstacles with a partner, but you have to work at it. It is a lot of work, and I totally get the fantasies of just being alone.

You are right, he refuses counselling and laughs at self-help. I am actually talking to a social worker weekly, she is in the Domestic Abuse network and is wonderful. I also am in touch with a self-esteem coach who offers free workshops, so that's also helping. I have many self-help books too. 

If I'm honest, I don't feel safe either. Not physically, I mean, I don't feel safe enough to open up to him. The other night I woke up in a panic, likely nightmares (I've been plagued with recurring nightmares since the age of 8)...I leaned over for a hug and he pushed me away, saying I woke him up. I told him I just needed a hug because I felt panic and he said a hug wouldn't do anything. I just left the bedroom at that point and hugged my dogs until the attack ceased. So no, I don't feel safe.

I'm happy and healthy with myself and my lifestyle, but no, not in the relationship. 

Three strikes.

I think my husband has that fantasy where a relationship/marriage is the be all and end all. That no further effort needs to be made because we are together forever. 

I've decided to withdraw for a while. I need to figure all of this out. 

Want to hear worse? I bought this house a year ago. MINE. He has no job and doesn't contribute. And he complains that I don't treat him like an equal partner and THAT'S the problem with the relationship. How can I? He doesn't even drive for crying out loud and we live in a rural area. I do everything. I know this sounds like a no-brainer but when you're all entangled and (clearly) messed up yourself, it's really not that easy to see the light.

I figure I'll hit rock bottom at some point and realize life is too short for this teenage drama. I sometimes wish I had a real-life guardian angel who will swoop me and my pets (and my art supplies!!) away to safety and push him out the door.

I'm very happy to hear you were able to work out your anger issues and that your husband followed your lead! I'm hoping for that too!
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#7
(02-19-2021, 04:14 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: There is a chance that once he sees you are serious, he could realize what he is doing and choose to change his manipulations and all that, but it's rare for that to happen in my own experience and the experiences I've heard about. 
I would suggest counseling, whether it's a couple or you two individually, but he may not be willing to do that. 

In the end, you need to remember that being miserable and unhappy isn't a life you want. If he isn't willing to put in any effort into making the marriage work for BOTH of you, he's already given up.  You need to ask yourself if this is the life you want. Is this how you want to be treated.

Thank you, very good advice. No he laughs at therapy, self-help books, anything he considers "homework" in the relationship. He thinks that it will just flow as it should. But at least I'm in counselling. There was a time when he tried to convince me that social workers were the "bottom of the barrel" and that their advice was terrible and I shouldn't listen to them. Crazy. 

I really believe he gave up a long time ago and is staying because he has it so good here. He doesn't work, drive, do many chores...taken for granted I am. I do believe that somewhere deep down he does love me, but it's sad because he's forcing me to ask him to move out by his inaction. And I have guilt about abandoning him, which is also crazy because I'm not responsible for him. Ugh.

I DO NOT want this life. I'm still dreaming of life after this, when he opens his eyes and sees my worth. But that could be a pipe dream. 

I'm focusing now on myself and working on my emotional health. I set up my old (dusty) mini-trampoline in the basement and pulled out my dumbbells. I'm going to purchase a juicer too. I want to get healthy again. When I met him I was in great shape. I gained about 30 pounds over the last 5 years. He says he loves me the way I am right now and tries to tell me that if I work out and lose weight I'll be "too skinny"...but I'm not happy with my weight. I think that's just another way of controlling me...maybe.

Coming on here has been quite empowering! I intend to keep coming here and posting and interacting!
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#8
Do you love him?
Can you disperse for a while? Just to have some rest and to think about all the situatuion for you both.
And why doesn't he work? For how long?

Anyway I wish you good luck with your husband and health.

P.S. I was in a relationship, wasn't in love but stil we were together for 6 years. I understood that something went wrong when wished him to broke both his legs on his way to a shop so that he coudn't be back home . It was just a fast think but it scared me a lot(I never had wished smth so bad to anyone before). Won't wish this feeling for the enemy.
The world is all around us, so tell me what you see
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#9
I would imagine he is very insecure about that. Have you told him that he is not an equal partner when he says this? If he doesn't work he can take care of himself. Don't wash his clothes, don't cook his dinner, he can be apart of the household and do the work. If he has a problem with how something is being ran in the house, then he can deal with it. Tough love has to happen sometimes with the manchild type.
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#10
IMO, a short term break sounds like a good idea. You both need to see what you will be missing when the other person isn't around. It may very well help you both decide to either try harder or end it.
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