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Made To Feel Invisible
#11
(02-24-2021, 06:55 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: I don't know where you are, but I would assume most countries have places to help people like him who aren't working and are on welfare.

Callie, I'm in Canada.
I'll have to ask my social worker about this. I want to be armed with everything when he comes up with his excuses as to why he can't leave.
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#12
(02-24-2021, 06:58 AM)Fay F Wrote: He is a self-admitted asshole. And no offence intended whatsoever, it's not that black and white after 16 years. The roots are deep and he is not always like that. When he is being a nice person, he's caring, affectionate, a dream really. I think that is one of the reasons we tolerate it. We know that just around the corner, we'll have that prince charming again, as corny as that sounds.

Isn't that always the case though? I think if there was nothing but negative experiences one after another the gravity of the situation would become more apparent, blatantly obvious even. But there is nothing worthwhile about this ambivalent treatment, I don't think he has anything to offer you. That's also the point where you should cynically ask yourself whether the only moments when he's nice are when he wants attention and whatever the hell his definition of love is. I'm not sure if someone asked the question before but how much younger is he exactly? Social anxiety and his other issues aside, there is no shortage of people who deal with these issues and aren't in a relationship, let alone one where a partner supports them emotionally and financially.

You have pets that he doesn't care about and other things he also barely cares about...except for the bed and his computer to watch movies on. No matter where you end up going, it was never your duty to take care of him in the first place because he's an adult and not a child. I don't think there is anything effectively holding you back from kicking him out the door except your own guilt. Hell, I think even homeless shelters take people that get thrown out by their partners in the worst-case-scenario.

16 years is a long time and I always have a hard time understanding why things go from apparently good to horribly bad so "easily", but that could be my young outsider's perspective. It always seems like there must have been so many red flags but all of them got ignored since the beginning. But you did say you are a people-pleaser and that you never broke up a relationship before...so I guess it makes sense, sadly. Some people still feel "love" even from their abuser's obvious mistreatment, because they know no other kind of love.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I go...
[Image: d8mV4rP.gif]
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#13
Agree with Rodent. Kick him out. 16 years? I'm sorry.
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#14
(02-24-2021, 07:21 AM)Rodent Wrote: Isn't that always the case though? I think if there was nothing but negative experiences one after another the gravity of the situation would become more apparent, blatantly obvious even. But there is nothing worthwhile about this ambivalent treatment, I don't think he has anything to offer you. That's also the point where you should cynically ask yourself whether the only moments when he's nice are when he wants attention and whatever the hell his definition of love is. I'm not sure if someone asked the question before but how much younger is he exactly? Social anxiety and his other issues aside, there is no shortage of people who deal with these issues and aren't in a relationship, let alone one where a partner supports them emotionally and financially.

You have pets that he doesn't care about and other things he also barely cares about...except for the bed and his computer to watch movies on. No matter where you end up going, it was never your duty to take care of him in the first place because he's an adult and not a child. I don't think there is anything effectively holding you back from kicking him out the door except your own guilt. Hell, I think even homeless shelters take people that get thrown out by their partners in the worst-case-scenario.

16 years is a long time and I always have a hard time understanding why things go from apparently good to horribly bad so "easily", but that could be my young outsider's perspective. It always seems like there must have been so many red flags but all of them got ignored since the beginning. But you did say you are a people-pleaser and that you never broke up a relationship before...so I guess it makes sense, sadly. Some people still feel "love" even from their abuser's obvious mistreatment, because they know no other kind of love.
I'm wary of divulging our age difference...okay I'm 53 years old and he's 42. I'm always afraid of mentioning that, I don't know why. I met him when I was 37 and he was 26. He seemed so mature and an old soul. We had everything in common...over the years, it seems like he's un-aged to the point where he's acting like a rebellious teenager.

You are very right about my guilt...and I reached out to my self-esteem coach for help on that. And also yes, there were red flags that I ignored. He would do something hurtful but then quickly show remorse and make up for it in a very grandiose way, so the red flag was ignored. I always thought that it was kind of me to give him the benefit of the doubt...I didn't want to be so judgmental and excuse me "b*tchy" because that's what my mother was like. This happened for many years until the remorse and apologies gradually disappeared. At that point we were so entangled with our lives and the pets that the idea of separating was too colossal for my emotional state.

The constant criticisms/abuse mixed with the "honeymoon" phase of love and affection...I guess it just screwed me up. I wish this upon no-one.

(02-24-2021, 07:35 AM)ardour Wrote: Agree with Rodent. Kick him out. 16 years? I'm sorry.

Easier said than done, but I'm working on it. Thanks.
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#15
Fay I think what may help your "guilt" when the time comes to ask him to leave, is having support for him in place. I don't know how things work in Canada, and I bet you have already been through it with your social worker. Could they have a place in some kind of a shelter for him ready with a counsellor or his own social worker? Maybe his pride will not allow this but, if you know there is help laid out in front of him, you will feel better. I know how you feel about just packing up and going, and maybe selling your house and starting fresh in something new would be good to put it behind you and leave those memories there, he can't taint the new place. You're RV idea sounds bliss to me.

I had to flee the family home and never set foot again in it, I had someone meet him once he calmed down to show me what stuff I was allowed to take that he didnt want, but I was so happy I would have started with nothing for the freedom.

Please have a go bag packed in your car, just as a precaution.

My PM's are open if you need to talk. Stay strong and stay safe x
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#16
(02-24-2021, 08:19 AM)Serenia Wrote: Fay I think what may help your "guilt" when the time comes to ask him to leave, is having support for him in place.  I don't know how things work in Canada, and I bet you have already been through it with your social worker.  Could they have a place in some kind of a shelter for him ready with a counsellor or his own social worker?  Maybe his pride will not allow this but, if you know there is help laid out in front of him, you will feel better.  I know how you feel about just packing up and going, and maybe selling your house and starting fresh in something new would be good to put it behind you and leave those memories there, he can't taint the new place.  You're RV idea sounds bliss to me.

I had to flee the family home and never set foot again in it, I had someone meet him once he calmed down to show me what stuff I was allowed to take that he didnt want, but I was so happy I would have started with nothing for the freedom. 

Please have a go bag packed in your car, just as a precaution. 

My PM's are open if you need to talk.  Stay strong and stay safe x

I actually thought about putting my house up for sale just to get away from him. That is serious...I should not feel like I need to be run out of my own home...I'm sorry you had to flee...but you're right, your freedom was worth it. Thanks so much. xx
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#17
Unfortunately, in Canada, with common law relationships you don't really just have the option to just kick people out, especially without solid domestic abuse proof. My parents struggled with it for years, until my mom just decided to move out herself.

Honestly, if you have the option to sell your house and find a new life for yourself, maybe that is a good path. It will also force him to get going.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own"
(Matthew 6:34)
[Image: 904329_1426690377552188_469319_o.jpg?_nc...e=6052C8C9]
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#18
(02-24-2021, 01:09 PM)AmyTheTemperamental Wrote: Unfortunately, in Canada, with common law relationships you don't really just have the option to just kick people out, especially without solid domestic abuse proof. My parents struggled with it for years, until my mom just decided to move out herself.

Honestly, if you have the option to sell your house and find a new life for yourself, maybe that is a good path. It will also force him to get going.

Well Amy, the police got involved tonight and that scared him. He was very defiant but he also admitted to them that everything I said was true. He knows (finally) that it's over. But it took me calling the police for him to take me seriously.

Here in this province, I was told by Family Law that common law is not a hindrance. The house is in my name and I have the right to ask him to leave. He leaves with his stuff, I keep mine. But...he's forcing my hand so I may need to enforce the EIO (Emergency Intervention Order) through my social worker. That is a writ brought to a judge who orders him out of my house on the basis of domestic abuse. Since I've been seeing my social worker since last summer, it will stand because there is enough evidence based on her credibility as a domestic abuse counsellor. She will vouch for me based on our meetings and discussions. Plus...I started the habit of recording my conversations with him because he was always trying to gaslight me, so I have that proof too. In fact, I have his rants from last night where he was degrading me and swearing at me.

I just didn't want it to come to a legal showdown, but he's forcing my hand. I'm sorry your mom had to go through that. But I can imagine leaving everything behind just to find freedom and peace of mind. I can rebuild...
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