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Fay F

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It's unbelievable what happened tonight.

In previous posts, I've mentioned that I was separated from my husband of 16 years. I moved into the "sunroom" and he stayed in the bedroom. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive to me and it's escalated a lot lately.

I was in my room when he suddenly walked in and told me he wasn't leaving. I told him he had to leave my room and he said:
"You're going to have a hard time sleeping tonight'.  To me that was such a threat so I asked him again to leave. He refused. So I told him I'd had enough, I wanted to break up. I told him I thought I'd tried my best but nothing I tried was healing the relationship. I told him I wasn't kicking him to the curb but I wanted him to try his best to leave by end of March and that I'd help him the best I could. He started the debating and I told him enough. Then he said he was never leaving.

At that point I told him about the EIO (Emergency Intervention Order) and that it could be a very short 48 hours when he would be removed. He said "I dare you to do that." 

I asked him to be civil, to cooperate, but he just sat in front of my bed and stared at me and again said he wasn't going anywhere. So I told him I would call the police because he was scaring me.

At that point, he got dressed, put his hat on and sat by the door...so defiantly, waiting to be arrested. I kept asking him to stop the nonsense, that it didn't have to be this way but I just got stonewalled. I asked him not to force me to strong arm him. All he had to do was stay in his room, I'd stay in mine and he could spend a month looking for a place. But he just glared at me.

So I called the police. Of course, they told me that they couldn't do anything because he didn't hit me or threaten my life. So I was in tears as I walked up to him and told him that he'd won. The police wouldn't come unless he hit me. I told him to stay away from me and out of my room. I feel so helpless.

But now it's my opportunity to finally follow through with the breakup. His defiant behaviour killed any love I may have still had for him.
 
I don't really know what to say as I have zero experience with these types of situations, but I will say that I don't see how it could possibly get better after this. He's showed a clear, deep lack of respect for you and your wishes and feelings, and that he takes you for granted.

If you have any family or friends or anyone at all you could stay with, I would get your pets, money, valuables and favorite possessions, clothes, and get out of there today. Don't stick around and wait for it to get any worse.
 
If you can leave the house for a while - I would do this so that you can fell safe.

Do you have any friends you can ask to live in your house for a while? So that he wouldn't ruine it(I don't know if it's possible that he would crash something but even if not he can just litter everywhere so a pair of eyes wouldn't harm). If it's impossile may be you can take the pictures of the house so you can proove a harm in a case. I really hope ypu won't need to use it but just for a case.
I don't know the laws there but I'd suggest to call a lawer right now and ask how to get him out and what to do, there should be a way. Is there any laywers who can advise free by phone/internet? May be your social worker can help you?

P.S. He'd just won one battle, not the war.
 
I would suggest you install locks on any rooms you don't want him in, including the one you are sleeping in. Also get well versed in your rights and what you can and can not do regarding him and your house. Talk to anyone you can and make a plan.
 
TheSkaFish said:
I don't really know what to say as I have zero experience with these types of situations, but I will say that I don't see how it could possibly get better after this.  He's showed a clear, deep lack of respect for you and your wishes and feelings, and that he takes you for granted. 

If you have any family or friends or anyone at all you could stay with, I would get your pets, money, valuables and favorite possessions, clothes, and get out of there today.  Don't stick around and wait for it to get any worse.

Thank you TheSkaFish. I agree with you that he lacks respect for me. I feel as though he never really had any. It's okay to disagree, but he heightens things to the point of threats He got his wakeup call last night. It's over with. The police are aware of him now, and so is my counsellor, I told her what happened last night. I didn't leave because I had nowhere to go with my pets. I refuse to leave them behind. The womens shelters here don't take animals sadly. He's a coward by nature so now that the police know what's going on, I have no fear at all that he will do anything to me.
 
4No1 said:
If you can leave the house for a while - I would do this so that you can fell safe.

Do you have any friends you can ask to live in your house for a while? So that he wouldn't ruine it(I don't know if it's possible that he would crash something but even if not he can just litter everywhere so a pair of eyes wouldn't harm). If it's impossile may be you can take the pictures of the house so you can proove a harm in a case. I really hope ypu won't need to use it but just for a case.
I don't know the laws there but I'd suggest to call a lawer right now and ask how to get him out and what to do, there should be a way. Is there any laywers who can advise free by phone/internet? May be your social worker can help you?

P.S. He'd just won one battle, not the war.

Thanks so much. No, I'm pretty alone here. I don't have family nor friends. I was always a big introvert, so never felt the need for friends. I've already called Family Law and since we are common-law, I owe him nothing and he owes me nothing. I'm very grateful we didn't get married on paper. I stayed here last night and he tried to convince me to stay together but I ignored him. He went back to the bedroom and stayed there. I'm not worried to be honest, my husband is a real coward. Having the police get involved last night shook him up and he's on guard now. And thanks...you are right, he just won that battle, but then did he? He may have won his pride, but he's lost his wife. It's very sad that he forced my hand like this.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I would suggest you install locks on any rooms you don't want him in, including the one you are sleeping in.  Also get well versed in your rights and what you can and can not do regarding him and your house.  Talk to anyone you can and make a plan.

Good advice. I have talked to my counselor and Family Law. The police gave me some advice last night. Unfortunately I don't have a door where I'm sleeping in the sunroom, I only have curtains. But I mentioned above that my husband is a coward, now that the police know about this, he is on guard and won't do anything to get in trouble. At this point I have to see if he'll start to look for somewhere to live or if he'll force my hand again and make me file the EIO to have him removed. I think this wakeup call shook him up and he knows I'm going to protect myself any way necessary. I actually feel quite good today.
 
People are most dangerous when they are afraid.

Rather than wait for him to decide for both of you, it's okay for you to take the steps towards your life. Why let the drama ensue? You know his cycle better than anyone here. He cannot force your hand to do anything, it is up to you to decide when you force your own hand. Don't wait for the next blow up. You never know how far that will go.

There are people who have the cops called on them ALL OF THE TIME. The first time might seem scary, but when it becomes apparent that the cops can't do honeysuckle without evidence, well. It doesn't have to go that far.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this. Well done for following through and calling the police. Be careful now, he knows you mean business, so it will be occurring to him he is losing control, losing his current lifestyle. Keep strong.
 
Fay F said:
I'm not worried to be honest, my husband is a real coward.

AmyTheTemperamental said:
People are most dangerous when they are afraid.

^ this. Also, when they are humiliated/emasculated, which he may be after having the cops called on him.

The problem with cowards is that they have a tendency to look for targets of opportunity. They'll never pick on someone their own size or bigger, and risk getting hurt or humiliated, unless they can swing the odds in their favor so massively that it all but ensures they'll win. But they'll prey on those they think are smaller all day. It's what they do to feel big. I don't think someone being a coward is a guarantee of safety by any means.

I would keep this in mind, and don't let up, don't forgive or give another chance, or fall for any feigned apologies. It's all just manipulation.
 
Fay F said:
He may have won his pride, but he's lost his wife. It's very sad that he forced my hand like this.

I would advise you not to think about him anymore and start to think about yourself. Don't loose yourself and don't let him to occupate your house. Give him 48h for example if he does nothing in this time - I would use EIO-way as he would probably do nothing next month as well.

I'm so sorry about all this situation. Take care!
 
Just an update friends.

I don't even know where I left off, I'm so confused about this whole situation, so forgive me if I repeat myself. That night (the 23rd), he came into my room and tried to turn everything around on me and I ignored him. He walked away. He came back in later crying and saying he wanted to be with me. I ignored him, he walked away. When I woke up on the 24th, I had several texts from him saying he really wanted to talk to me. I wrote him an email saying I'd be willing to talk if:
1. He got a job
2. He got his driver's license
3. He went to therapy for his anger
4. He agreed in writing to the fair distribution of chores in the relationship
5. We sat down, pen and paper, and negotiated the terms of the partnership (i.e. what each would tolerate, rules for conduct i.e. no swearing/insults etc and the consequence if the rule was broken)

I never got an email reply and I did my thing all day on the 24th. When I woke up on the 25th, he was gone with a note saying that he didn't deserve me, he was full of remorse, he was terrified, but he didn't want to be where he wasn't wanted. He also said he'd be gone for a week and when he came back, he hoped I would talk to him so we could finally find a resolution to our problems. He said if we couldn't, he promised he wouldn't make trouble or drama, that he would move out.

So now, I've been alone in my home for 2 days and I thought this would be a dream come true, but I'm miserable. Daytime is okay, but once suppertime rolls around, I get very depressed. I used to cook delicious meals and desserts and unless he created drama to spoil dinners, we used to enjoy that time together, so it's hard to handle.
 
Fay F said:
Just an update friends.

I don't even know where I left off, I'm so confused about this whole situation, so forgive me if I repeat myself. That night (the 23rd), he came into my room and tried to turn everything around on me and I ignored him. He walked away. He came back in later crying and saying he wanted to be with me. I ignored him, he walked away. When I woke up on the 24th, I had several texts from him saying he really wanted to talk to me. I wrote him an email saying I'd be willing to talk if:
1. He got a job
2. He got his driver's license
3. He went to therapy for his anger
4. He agreed in writing to the fair distribution of chores in the relationship
5. We sat down, pen and paper, and negotiated the terms of the partnership (i.e. what each would tolerate, rules for conduct i.e. no swearing/insults etc and the consequence if the rule was broken)

I never got an email reply and I did my thing all day on the 24th. When I woke up on the 25th, he was gone with a note saying that he didn't deserve me, he was full of remorse, he was terrified, but he didn't want to be where he wasn't wanted. He also said he'd be gone for a week and when he came back, he hoped I would talk to him so we could finally find a resolution to our problems. He said if we couldn't, he promised he wouldn't make trouble or drama, that he would move out.

So now, I've been alone in my home for 2 days and I thought this would be a dream come true, but I'm miserable. Daytime is okay, but once suppertime rolls around, I get very depressed. I used to cook delicious meals and desserts and unless he created drama to spoil dinners, we used to enjoy that time together, so it's hard to handle.

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Keep it up. This part will be hard. Maybe you could Facetime or Skype a friend during dinner to distract yourself.

 
Fay F said:
So now, I've been alone in my home for 2 days and I thought this would be a dream come true, but I'm miserable. Daytime is okay, but once suppertime rolls around, I get very depressed. I used to cook delicious meals and desserts and unless he created drama to spoil dinners, we used to enjoy that time together, so it's hard to handle.

Now the actual taste of real separation begins. Before it was just a facade while you were still living in the same house.
 
Correct me if I'm wrong; but, I've read a few of your posts.  You've been married to this man for 16 years?  That's a long time.  You go into detail about his transgressions, his uncooperative nature, verbal abuse, etc.. etc..

You also go into great detail about how you are the financial provider, you essentially, 'have your honeysuckle together,' you have friends, etc.. etc..

So to me, at this point, I fail to understand.  You sound like a millionaire, living in the slums, who, for some reason, refuses to move out.

You say you are living off your pension?  It doesn't sound like money is an issue? 

Wouldn't you just file divorce papers, rent a small apartment, and let the lawyers suss things out?  The saying goes, 'fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.'  If some one crosses the line, that's unfortunate; but, if you continue to let them to do so, that's on you.  I know, because I've been there, I am there still, perhaps.

My mother's mother, to the best of my knowledge, lived with a horribly abusive alcoholic husband.  She died married to that man.  It seems like at a certain point he changed, and perhaps she forgave him; I don't know.  Maybe they never worked things out; but it takes two to tango.  I've gotten to hear your side of the story; but, I don't know his side of the story, and I'm not going to take sides.

It sounds rather illogical and absurd at this point, from what I've read you say so for.  I don't know your whole story, as I've said, and I don't know his; but, if you are wearing the pants in this relationship, and from what I can see, you are refusing to put them on for some reason, who's fault is that?

Now, if I was married to some one for 16 years, making all the money, and feeling like it was a one sided relationship; ya know what would keep me there?  For ME, it might be, fear.  And I know fear, very well.  It's probably killing me slowly and robbing me of what little life I have left.  So if that's your case, I don't know the answer; but, choosing to play victim is not the same as being a victim; and in many cases, being a victim is a choice, a mentality, that is optional.

Relationships always have two stories.  I've heard yours, and from what I can gather, which may be incorrect; but, from what I've read from you so far, I see no reason why you don't have your own apartment already, divorce proceedings good and ready to go, and relying on your friends and therapist and possibly family as support systems; and perhaps, with that compassion and care for some one you've known for 16 years, maybe a little something for him as a push start to get his own life on track, if it's in disarray; while keeping in mind where you're line is, and making sure YOU don't put yourself in a situation where he can cross it.

Having family, friends, a therapist, and money is a HUGE support system to start your life again; many people don't have any of that.  So, I don't really understand the problem; other than, it's difficult and scary to be YOU when all you've known for so long is, 'US.'

But you've both been married for 16, SIXTEEN, years; I'm sorry, I can't count you as innocent; that's enough time for BOTH of you to have been completely unreasonable childish ******** to each other. The difference is, you say you you have fallen out of love and don't like the situation and want to leave; while he wants to stay. So, what's your move? Why bicker and fight about who is in a stupid room of the house when a hotel and real estate agent are a call away. That's my take.
 
Nicolelt said:
I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Keep it up. This part will be hard. Maybe you could Facetime or Skype a friend during dinner to distract yourself.






Thank you so much. I'm pretty proud of myself too. As the days go by it gets a lot easier. It's nice to have support from those who understand this situation!


Finished said:
Now the actual taste of real separation begins. Before it was just a facade while you were still living in the same house.

You're right, and though it was hard at first, I'm adapting okay now. It's so hard to separate love from logic at times. Thanks for your support!
 
Nice to hear you are ok (as far as it's possible). Be strong and don't forget about your list when your husband come to talk. All the best to you.

P.S. Don't forget to tell us the news though)
 
I don't know - he acted all tough when he thought he had the high cards, but now begs for mercy when he realizes he doesn't. I'd be careful, I still suspect he's trying to manipulate you emotionally, this time with sadness instead of anger.

But like I said I have no experience, I'm just some guy. That's just how it looks to me though. I hope it works out for you though either way.
 
4No1 said:
Nice to hear you are ok (as far as it's possible). Be strong and don't forget about your list when your husband come to talk. All the best to you.

P.S. Don't forget to tell us the news though)

Thanks so much. I'm still doing okay but having a down day, feeling lots of resentment and pain. I guess this is all part of the grieving process.


TheSkaFish said:
I don't know - he acted all tough when he thought he had the high cards, but now begs for mercy when he realizes he doesn't.  I'd be careful, I still suspect he's trying to manipulate you emotionally, this time with sadness instead of anger.

But like I said I have no experience, I'm just some guy.  That's just how it looks to me though.  I hope it works out for you though either way.

Thanks. He was acting very tough but after I called the police, he got all diminutive. I don't really want to psychoanalyze him but I agree with what you said. He needs to feel like he's controlling the relationship and me I guess by default. I can see right through the manipulation, I don't know if he realizes he's doing it. I should tell him to try to manipulate me with love and see if that works better. Bad joke I guess.
 
Fay F said:
Thanks so much. I'm still doing okay but having a down day, feeling lots of resentment and pain. I guess this is all part of the grieving process.
Yes, it is. I say a banality, but time does really heal, hold on there.
 

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