You'll find a relationship as soon as you stop trying to find one.

That statement is a complete crock of honeysuckle. I've had periods of trying to find a girlfriend and periods where I've given up looking and, surprise surprise, nothing happened in either instance.

People who say this really get on my nerves, to be quite honest. Just because it happened that way for them, doesn't make it a universal truth.

Not sure if this belongs in general chat, but anyway, that's my two penneth.

I would assume it belongs in relationships, since that's what it's about.

As for the saying, it's pretty much true if you are trying so hard to find one that you end up getting so frustrated you sabotage any chance you have. And most times you don't even realize you are sabotaging yourself.
Everything is open to interpretation. Just because you interpret something one way doesn't mean that's the way it was meant to be interpreted.

TheRealCallie said:

I would assume it belongs in relationships, since that's what it's about.

As for the saying, it's pretty much true if you are trying so hard to find one that you end up getting so frustrated you sabotage any chance you have. And most times you don't even realize you are sabotaging yourself. 
Everything is open to interpretation.  Just because you interpret something one way doesn't mean that's the way it was meant to be interpreted.

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People say it as if it's true for everyone. To be perfectly candid, I don't know why I even bother posting on here as there's clearly no sympathy or understanding for older virgin males on this website.

And the topic is about a lack of a relationship. I figured the relationship page was more geared towards discussing problems within relationships.

You would have gotten a similar response if you were a gal, so do not fixate too much on your identity unless it is crucially relevant.

As for that old piece of advice (the worst vice, as we all know), of course you can interpret it in endless ways. If it's only true when you are forcing the issue - which I agree, can lead to a self-sabotaging outcome when you are too hellbent on achieving a specific outcome - then perhaps the saying needs reformation. Because if you stop looking and you are an introvert that does not engage in much deliberate social action, you're guaranteed to not meet anyone at all. The least anyone can do it put themselves out there and pursue social interactions with other people either in real life or online. Doesn't matter if it's a space specifically made for meeting new people or just a place where people talk about mutual interests.

I don't really believe in "dating" because I don't believe in pursuing romance deliberately and I can't imagine not being friends with someone prior to elevating the friendship to a relationship. It takes more time and has its own pitfalls (people living in different countries to say the least). Sometimes everything works out though or the people involved make it work.

There's so much different stuff in the General Chat section that I think it's fine to talk some generic piece of life advice...

Rodent said:

You would have gotten a similar response if you were a gal, so do not fixate too much on your identity unless it is crucially relevant.

As for that old piece of advice (the worst vice, as we all know), of course you can interpret it in endless ways. If it's only true when you are forcing the issue - which I agree, can lead to a self-sabotaging outcome when you are too hellbent on achieving a specific outcome - then perhaps the saying needs reformation. Because if you stop looking and you are an introvert that does not engage in much deliberate social action, you're guaranteed to not meet anyone at all. The least anyone can do it put themselves out there and pursue social interactions with other people either in real life or online. Doesn't matter if it's a space specifically made for meeting new people or just a place where people talk about mutual interests.

I don't really believe in "dating" because I don't believe in pursuing romance deliberately and I can't imagine not being friends with someone prior to elevating the friendship to a relationship. It takes more time and has its own pitfalls (people living in different countries to say the least). Sometimes everything works out though or the people involved make it work.

There's so much different stuff in the General Chat section that I think it's fine to talk some generic piece of life advice...

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Thanks for your reply, my friend. I like the fact you took such time and effort to craft a well worded response. But the fact remains, nothing seems to work for me on the relationship front, and I'm getting very close to middle age. I feel like I've got a timebomb up my arse sometimes, if you'll pardon the crudity.

Forgottendanfan said:

Thanks for your reply, my friend. I like the fact you took such time and effort to craft a well worded response. But the fact remains, nothing seems to work for me on the relationship front, and I'm getting very close to middle age. I feel like I've got a timebomb up my arse sometimes, if you'll pardon the crudity.

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No bother, it wouldn't feel right to me if I didn't give it due diligence. It's no secret that difficulty increases for people in their 30s and 40s and how the clock starts ticking louder, even more so when people have plans like having kids and a family which plenty do. I don't know much about your situation except for what I read here or and there, but if you are willing to outline a your history and get into some details, I'm willing to listen. In public or private, whatever you prefer.

I do know that overt attention from the opposite sex is pretty rare for a guy and the older the generation the more traditional the attitudes...hardly a mystery, I know. I'm about as good at picking up subtle social clues as a blind deaf-mute, so if you aren't good at that you'll have a hard time too. I rely a lot of verbal communication, even written communication but I kinda managed to attract non-romantic interest from the opposite sex that developed into romance later on a few occasions, even if they didn't exactly have positive outcomes in the long run, no doubt I was partially at fault for that. But an experience is an experience no less.

Rodent said:

Forgottendanfan said:

Thanks for your reply, my friend. I like the fact you took such time and effort to craft a well worded response. But the fact remains, nothing seems to work for me on the relationship front, and I'm getting very close to middle age. I feel like I've got a timebomb up my arse sometimes, if you'll pardon the crudity.

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No bother, it wouldn't feel right to me if I didn't give it due diligence. It's no secret that difficulty increases for people in their 30s and 40s and how the clock starts ticking louder, even more so when people have plans like having kids and a family which plenty do. I don't know much about your situation except for what I read here or and there, but if you are willing to outline a your history and get into some details, I'm willing to listen. In public or private, whatever you prefer.

I do know that overt attention from the opposite sex is pretty rare for a guy and the older the generation the more traditional the attitudes...hardly a mystery, I know. I'm about as good at picking up subtle social clues as a blind deaf-mute, so if you aren't good at that you'll have a hard time too. I rely a lot of verbal communication, even written communication but I kinda managed to attract non-romantic interest from the opposite sex that developed into romance later on a few occasions, even if they didn't exactly have positive outcomes in the long run, no doubt I was partially at fault for that. But an experience is an experience no less.

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I don't think I've ever received any hints from women, subtle or otherwise. I could be wrong, but nothing springs to mind on that front. I wouldn't say I'm a bad looking guy either, albeit a little overweight.

I don't agree with that sentiment, mainly because I have never really closed my heart off to finding someone. There were periods were I wasn't as actively seeking. But keeping my heart open was always a thing.

To be honest, I came here as a kind of last resort, to find someone. I'll probably give it another few weeks and if nothing materialises, I'll request to have my account disabled. As much as I dislike the connotations of the phrase, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.

Wait, so the ONLY reason you are here is to find a partner?

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And might I point out that you HAVE gotten attention and responses. It just wasn't from the person YOU wanted it to be from. There is a difference there.

Forgottendanfan said:

I don't think I've ever received any hints from women, subtle or otherwise. I could be wrong, but nothing springs to mind on that front. I wouldn't say I'm a bad looking guy either, albeit a little overweight.

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I used to be a bit overweight when I was younger and now I'm just an average lanky-looking guy but some girls in my life have told me I'm intimidating - hardly ever physically, I think it was more of an image I was projecting. There was a time when I didn't want any people in my life, let alone a partner, even cut contact with best friends...I had something akin to an identity crisis because of bad experiences that had piled up. I definitely "had my heart closed off" at the time, to use Amy's metaphor. That can be enough to keep anyone at bay but even if you're just an average guy without any "threatening image" you'll probably still go through life without experiencing any overt romantic attention. It's not something to you can rely on. Do you have any friends or a social group you regularly hung out with (pre-Covid)?

Forgottendanfan said:

To be honest, I came here as a kind of last resort, to find someone. I'll probably give it another few weeks and if nothing materialises, I'll request to have my account disabled. As much as I dislike the connotations of the phrase, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.

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You are setting yourself up for disappointment with that deliberate intention. I've been here for over six years and there were a total of 2, maybe 3 people where mutual feelings had developed and I'm still together with one of those people today. I was never looking deliberately and as I said above, at times I was completely closed off even. It's your choice to move on but if you expect solid results...you are probably better off on dating sites.

TheRealCallie said:

Wait, so the ONLY reason you are here is to find a partner?

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And might I point out that you HAVE gotten attention and responses.  It just wasn't from the person YOU wanted it to be from.  There is a difference there.

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It's not the only reason I'm here, but it's the main reason. If the person you're referring to is the one I suspect, I'm saying nothing, as whatever response I give, I'll be criticised for it.

Yeah, it's one of those things. People tend to give advice that might have worked for them but it might not work for everyone. The way I see it, if someone is just going about their lives and isn't meeting someone interested in them anyway then "trying" won't really make a difference either. Unless it's someone who is very oblivious to blatant signs of interest.

Forgottendanfan said:

To be honest, I came here as a kind of last resort, to find someone. I'll probably give it another few weeks and if nothing materialises, I'll request to have my account disabled. As much as I dislike the connotations of the phrase, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.

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I don't think you should leave. I understand why you feel the way you do, though.

AmyTheTemperamental said:

Forgottendanfan said:

To be honest, I came here as a kind of last resort, to find someone. I'll probably give it another few weeks and if nothing materialises, I'll request to have my account disabled. As much as I dislike the connotations of the phrase, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.

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I don't think you should leave. I understand why you feel the way you do, though.

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I might stick around, depending on how I feel. There are some good people here.

Okay, so I just went through your posts, most of them are on your own threads and most of them are you complaining about not having had relationship experience.
You may see this as me being mean, but you have little posts in the almost year since you've been here and most of them are about you. You don't seem to have taken the time to engage in the forum (except on posts about not having relationships), so you can't very well expect everyone to fall at your feet and be all "oh he's so cool, I'd like to get to know him better.
As I've said before, generally, both in "real" life and online, you get what you give.

TheRealCallie said:

Okay, so I just went through your posts, most of them are on your own threads and most of them are you complaining about not having had relationship experience. 
You may see this as me being mean, but you have little posts in the almost year since you've been here and most of them are about you.  You don't seem to have taken the time to engage in the forum (except on posts about not having relationships), so you can't very well expect everyone to fall at your feet and be all "oh he's so cool, I'd like to get to know him better.
As I've said before, generally, both in "real" life and online, you get what you give.

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I take your point, but I have also gone out of my way to send messages out to people and most of them have just been ignored.

I'm afraid that's true, you'll have to engage with the community at large to even become recognizable. People have done that in many ways over the years, some always go out of their way to give advice and opinions to whoever is asking, others create threads with interesting topics and inspire discussions, others play forum games and go for the off-topic threads to actively get away from loneliness that is plaguing them in other domains to simply have a good time even with some strangers.

Forgottendanfan said:

I take your point, but I have also gone out of my way to send messages out to people and most of them have just been ignored.

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It's like that conversation is happening in two threads by now...as Callie said in another thread, check if people even read the messages. They can actively deny having received them but if these people aren't visiting the forum anymore, you can check the Tracking section in the User CP to see all the still unread messages you've sent to others.

Forgottendanfan said:

TheRealCallie said:

Okay, so I just went through your posts, most of them are on your own threads and most of them are you complaining about not having had relationship experience. 
You may see this as me being mean, but you have little posts in the almost year since you've been here and most of them are about you.  You don't seem to have taken the time to engage in the forum (except on posts about not having relationships), so you can't very well expect everyone to fall at your feet and be all "oh he's so cool, I'd like to get to know him better.
As I've said before, generally, both in "real" life and online, you get what you give.

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I take your point, but I have also gone out of my way to send messages out to people and most of them have just been ignored.

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Also as I said in another thread, a lot of people here won't respond to random messages.
I never have.  If I haven't interacted with them on the forum in a fashion that would warrant a PM, I ignore it.  Talk to me out in the open and let me get a sense of you before you try PMing me.  (generalized you, not you specifically)

But it's not a dating site and it pobably doesn't work as a dating, people talk here and this is how it considered to work(at least I think so). Some people can say the things you like, other can say the things you don't like(it works in real life too). And more over in the internet you mostly never know who's on other side, it could be anyone in fact even an aritificial neutral net(maybe I'm a little bit in a future). Sometimes people don't mean what you think of their posts as a non verbal information is lost.
I also doubt there's a place anywhere where everyone likes everyone, but there are still the options between everyone and nobody.

I've been on a special penpal sites and even there answer may be 1 in 10. Besides the fact people here can be not interestred in PM with a person they don't know(or may be at all as the prefer open chating), maybe there are not so many people from UK.

About a statement if you don't look(don't want) for the relationship - you don't care if you don't have them and don't fix. It can work in some cases but if you close at home so how can you find anything then? I can tell you even that the Earth is flat and the Sun goes around it as it's true, I even can really believe it and tell it not because I want you to believe in a nonsence, but it doesn't stop the Earth turning. People can tell anything, can share their experience in a form they do, some of them do really believe that their experience is the only possible way, but the conclusions are yours.

As for me I think that completely stopping the tries won't work but maybe change the tactics(have no idea how it can be done) can work.