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Juana24

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Hi guys, I hope you're all doing fine...

I'm not very sure of what to say really, I understand I'm supposed to introduce myself but I've read some of your introductions and some stories are just heartbreaking and... man... I've tried to write this a few times and it doesn't feel completely right. It feels like being ungrateful for what I have. I can say I'm not completely alone. I have my mom, my dad, my sister and my boyfriend. And I love them. I'm forever grateful for their existence and I show them my love and share with them as much as I can. But... I don't know. I don't have anybody else, literally, around. And them, well, yeah they're normal people with friends, and yes i use the word "normal" because sometimes I feel like a complete freak for not having any friends and for putting so much weight on my boyfriend's shoulders. When I break every now and then, I cry and tell him how shallow and lonely I feel sometimes and he doesn't get it, for him it is soooo, sooo easy to make friends. I guess he feels the same way I feel when I hear people talking about their forever old friends... like it is something from another planet or whatever.  

I've rewritten this over and over again for real, if I tell you all the context I can't do it in a short way and I know how bothering it could be. So I tell you this: I have no friends, not a single one. I've had some, but they just go away, and when they've been there with me it is because of school, college or projects that brought us together, nothing more. When that context is over, so they are. I feel very often like I'm the most boring person in the world. People just get tired of me and leave. At the same time, within this loneliness and helplessness, I feel like I don't even want people around, sometimes not even my family or boyfriend. 

So I ask you, have you been in this place? In this situation of being in pain for having no friends, feeling extremely lonely, and then, when, miraculously, an opportunity appears to possibly interact with other people, to make a friend, you just freeze a run away. You become apathetic and lethargic and in your head, there are only weird thoughts telling you that you're not enough, that they're bored just for being around you. And then you just simply leave or ghost or whatever. And that's it. Then you can go home or you turn off your phone and feel shitty and lonely again. 


This is very confusing, I don't understand it. I hope that, if you relate, you'd talk to me and maybe we can try a way out, I feel way too lost about this.

Thank you for reading. 


Juana
 
Welcome. It sounds like you're at the right place. If possible try not to put pressure on being lonely with the people you do have around or they might leave. Do your best to make friends, join groups, and try to find something to entertain yourself.
 
Juana24, you raise a couple of points I'd like to address.

First, you do well to acknowledge the blessings you have, and I would suggest that it's better to have good family relationships than friends - if you had to be deprived of one in life.  Now let's consider the friends you've made and lost along the way - like most of us.

I've moved around the country many times and lost friends along the way.  Decades of this has taught me that most people are takers rather than givers.  They will take your friendship when you offer it, but won't go out of their way to keep it.  So when I've moved, it's always been up to me to be the one to preserve any relationship - by writing, calling, and visiting.  I understand that the ones left behind have a local pool of friends and family to conveniently interact with, whereas I'd have none in my new place.  Thus, I have a choice: to quickly make new friends, forgo my pride and work to preserve my old friendships, or go through life without any long term friends.

It's hard for most of us to make new friends, but I've learned that maintaining the friendships I've made is just as important as cultivating new ones.  It's an investment of one's time and heart to be valued highly and preserved.  If preserving it unfairly requires me to always reach out to others, then so be it.  It's worth it, so long as they appreciate me when I am with them.  My reward is twofold:
 
Over a life time of moving, meeting people, and working to make friends, I get to acquire a worldwide network of friends to share life with, even if it is only a piece of it here and there.  I do this with yearly emails, calls, and visits - and by making new experiences and memories together through new activities (and pictures).

Being a giver also is a way of showing love to others, which is our second purpose in life after knowing and loving God.  So, the relationship "givers" who go to heaven will receive their reward there.

Although I've always worked diligently to maintain relationships, I've lost some good friends along the way.  But nearing retirement age, I became more sentimental and judiciously looked up some old childhood, college, and workmates from 30-40 years ago.  I wrote them, called them, visited them, and have rebuilt good, worthwhile friendships with 4 of them during my retirement years.  I'd encourage you to do the same: work to preserve every friendship you have, and take the initiative to go back and rebuild some you've lost.  Time and history form a relationship bond that CAN be nicely restored, making an old friendship better than a new one.  When you grow late in years, these life long friendships will become quite valuable. 

Now, concerning your difficulties in making new friends, I think most of us struggle with that, and we all have different reasons why.  I could detail my tactics for you, but our circumstances would vary, so just let me summarize one point.  Life is about love and relationships, and we need them to grow our character into the person God intends us to be.  That should serve as incentive to reach out and pursue every prospective relationship whether it yields a balanced 2-way friendship or not.  Make it a conscious daily effort to befriend people, to be a giver rather than a taker, and you'll please God and give purpose to your life.
 
You're doing better than me. My mum is dead, I've never had a girlfriend in my life, am a virgin, I have literally one friend,no siblings and I'm long term unemployed.
 
There's some good advice in those replies. Moi, well, I'm on the other side of things... for years, I was completely antisocial, since I hailed from a broken & impoverished military family which was once happy. In school, I was surrounded by rich ******** and I could not relate to them at all, they all seemed so shallow & fake. I deliberately avoided interaction with them, and I rationalized this antisocial behavior by telling myself that it took a stronger man to stand alone. And it DOES take a strong person to stand alone, so all of you who are feeling lonely here at this site, take a moment to reflect upon this strength.

Fast forward to a time in my life when I felt comfortable with befriending people... problem was, many of them were still fake and shallow, and my emotions ran deep. They still do, lol. Fast forward again, to a point where I routinely drop-kicked fake & shallow types out of my life like I was STARRIN' in the NFL. Let me tell you what I've learned over the decades: one good friend is worth a million fake ones, and that's the honest truth. I'm lucky to have such a friend... two of them, actually, though I've also lost some good friends due to untimely deaths. There's an attrition rate in life, seems like half my high school classmates are already dead. Hard-partying generation, you understand.

A good friend is someone who will BE THERE FOR YOU in time of need... the two hands I consider to be my best friends are no fair-weather friends, our bonds have been hammered & tested in 'The Forge of Life.' But these are solid friends, men of integrity, and I deliberately maintain contact with them, since I value their opinions. I know that when I ask a question, they will both give honest answers, and honesty is a good foundation for friendship. So is respect, and I respect these hands, as they've each accomplished things, same way I've done things that few if any other folks have done.

So, Juana24, do not despair... think of all the drama & grief you're SPARING yourself by NOT having fake friends. That's a good start, lol. Then figure out ways to find others who are like-minded in beliefs, hobbies, occupations, etc. They're out there... if a hardcore antisocial MFer like me can make good solid friends over the decades, well, it should be a piece of cake for you. It all starts by changing one's thinking, and judging potential friends by their character and not their appearance. Learn to recognize fake & shallow types, and cherish friendships with those whose beliefs, values, levels of respect, etc., run a little deeper.

Being 'friended' on the web does NOT constitute real friendship, lol. Real friendship is grounded in reality, honesty, willingness on both sides to maintain friendship, and yes, hard work. I don't mean physical labor, I'm talking about overlooking imperfections or minor flaws in character, stuff that isn't really important. For instance, I'd be willing to overlook the fact that some person liked Barry Manilow, lol, if that person made a good technical rock climbing partner and I could trust my life to him (or her). Trust is a big issue in many relationships: if I can't trust a person, then I don't really want to know that person, aye? And I value my life more highly than ANY amount of money...

Some people are scared or unwilling to open up and take that initial risk in establishing friendship... moi, back in the day, I couldn't be bothered with it. But most humans are social creatures to some extent, yes? Finding the level at which you're comfortable is important, while finding people you can trust and respect can be difficult. All I can say is that they're out there, now it's up to you to find them. There are billions of people on this planet, surely some share common ground with you... moi, I formed my first real friendships with other hardcore antisocial skateboarders, back when skateboarding was still a crime, lol. Skating was the common bond which led to our deeper friendship.

Remember, there's an attrition rate in life, nobody here gets out alive... for that reason, I've lost good friends over the years, and each loss was another hammer blow in 'The Forge of Life.' I'm with Nietzsche on this one: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Hurts like hell in the meantime, but yes, it eventually makes us stronger. So cherish those good solid friendships & relationships once you have them, as they will not last forever... they may last a lifetime if you're both lucky. As somebody into extreme sports, I've cheated Death a few times in the past, but like a good poker player, He always wins in the end.

That's my spiel, hope it helps ya... honestly, if that number 24 is your age, you're still young enough to change things and improve your life. Moi, I'm an old rogue dinosaur who has seen too much of the rotten human race, but I've been blessed to find good friendships DESPITE rotten human nature, lol. Like Neil Young, "I've been a miner for a heart of gold..." That line applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships, aye? I've had to work my way through some worthless ground too, believe me... I chalked it up to bad experience and moved on, to eventually find solid friendship worth more than gold. Money is important, since it pays the bills, but I'm not infected with the sickness of greed, lol... true friendship is something I value more highly than money. Good luck to ya, and CHEERS!!!
 
Juana24 said:
Hi guys, I hope you're all doing fine...

I'm not very sure of what to say really, I understand I'm supposed to introduce myself but I've read some of your introductions and some stories are just heartbreaking and... man... I've tried to write this a few times and it doesn't feel completely right. It feels like being ungrateful for what I have. I can say I'm not completely alone. I have my mom, my dad, my sister and my boyfriend. And I love them. I'm forever grateful for their existence and I show them my love and share with them as much as I can. But... I don't know. I don't have anybody else, literally, around. And them, well, yeah they're normal people with friends, and yes i use the word "normal" because sometimes I feel like a complete freak for not having any friends and for putting so much weight on my boyfriend's shoulders. When I break every now and then, I cry and tell him how shallow and lonely I feel sometimes and he doesn't get it, for him it is soooo, sooo easy to make friends. I guess he feels the same way I feel when I hear people talking about their forever old friends... like it is something from another planet or whatever.  

I've rewritten this over and over again for real, if I tell you all the context I can't do it in a short way and I know how bothering it could be. So I tell you this: I have no friends, not a single one. I've had some, but they just go away, and when they've been there with me it is because of school, college or projects that brought us together, nothing more. When that context is over, so they are. I feel very often like I'm the most boring person in the world. People just get tired of me and leave. At the same time, within this loneliness and helplessness, I feel like I don't even want people around, sometimes not even my family or boyfriend. 

So I ask you, have you been in this place? In this situation of being in pain for having no friends, feeling extremely lonely, and then, when, miraculously, an opportunity appears to possibly interact with other people, to make a friend, you just freeze a run away. You become apathetic and lethargic and in your head, there are only weird thoughts telling you that you're not enough, that they're bored just for being around you. And then you just simply leave or ghost or whatever. And that's it. Then you can go home or you turn off your phone and feel shitty and lonely again. 


This is very confusing, I don't understand it. I hope that, if you relate, you'd talk to me and maybe we can try a way out, I feel way too lost about this.

Thank you for reading. 


Juana

Yep been there when I was younger.I had I suppose maybe three or four years when I had what I would call a real friend excluding family. Ok I'm long term married but alot of those years with ships in the night jobs and pressure of bringing up kids the initial friendship that having a serious girlfriend and wife brought was greatly effected because of usual stuff marriage brings like arguments and just things that are a bit more complicated than that.

But now I wish I hadn't waisted that time,some how beaten my social anxiety and just went for it with interests that I could have developed more and possibly made some friends .Now as kids get older less pressure with work I've sort of made friends with her again so for me you only really need one friend whether it be a partner or friend outside of family .

So if you can just follow your interests and hopefully one day you'll make a friend that makes life more fun because you only need one,thats what I believe now after my experience with life.
 
It's queer, yes, for me. I have found myself in the past few years feeling extremely lonely, to the point of physical pain sometimes; yet, I often go out of my way to avoid meeting new people. I'm lonely and want (or think I want) friendship/companionship, yet, at the same time, I want to be alone. It's as if I'm thirsty; but, don't want to drink anything. I haven't really figured it out. It's queer.

Though, there are times when I am hungry, yet, so lazy, exhausted, and/or lacking in energy, that I just decide not to eat anything, lol. As sad as that is, maybe that's what it's about; hungry, but not enough to satiate the hunger...
 
Juana24, you raise a couple of points I'd like to address.

First, you do well to acknowledge the blessings you have, and I would suggest that it's better to have good family relationships than friends - if you had to be deprived of one in life. Now let's consider the friends you've made and lost along the way - like most of us.

I've moved around the country many times and lost friends along the way. Decades of this has taught me that most people are takers rather than givers. They will take your friendship when you offer it, but won't go out of their way to keep it. So when I've moved, it's always been up to me to be the one to preserve any relationship - by writing, calling, and visiting. I understand that the ones left behind have a local pool of friends and family to conveniently interact with, whereas I'd have none in my new place. Thus, I have a choice: to quickly make new friends, forgo my pride and work to preserve my old friendships, or go through life without any long term friends.

It's hard for most of us to make new friends, but I've learned that maintaining the friendships I've made is just as important as cultivating new ones. It's an investment of one's time and heart to be valued highly and preserved. If preserving it unfairly requires me to always reach out to others, then so be it. It's worth it, so long as they appreciate me when I am with them. My reward is twofold:

Over a life time of moving, meeting people, and working to make friends, I get to acquire a worldwide network of friends to share life with, even if it is only a piece of it here and there. I do this with yearly emails, calls, and visits - and by making new experiences and memories together through new activities (and pictures).

Being a giver also is a way of showing love to others, which is our second purpose in life after knowing and loving God. So, the relationship "givers" who go to heaven will receive their reward there.

Although I've always worked diligently to maintain relationships, I've lost some good friends along the way. But nearing retirement age, I became more sentimental and judiciously looked up some old childhood, college, and workmates from 30-40 years ago. I wrote them, called them, visited them, and have rebuilt good, worthwhile friendships with 4 of them during my retirement years. I'd encourage you to do the same: work to preserve every friendship you have, and take the initiative to go back and rebuild some you've lost. Time and history form a relationship bond that CAN be nicely restored, making an old friendship better than a new one. When you grow late in years, these life long friendships will become quite valuable.

Now, concerning your difficulties in making new friends, I think most of us struggle with that, and we all have different reasons why. I could detail my tactics for you, but our circumstances would vary, so just let me summarize one point. Life is about love and relationships, and we need them to grow our character into the person God intends us to be. That should serve as incentive to reach out and pursue every prospective relationship whether it yields a balanced 2-way friendship or not. Make it a conscious daily effort to befriend people, to be a giver rather than a taker, and you'll please God and give purpose to your life.
Thank you really much, very beautiful words 🥰
 
There's some good advice in those replies. Moi, well, I'm on the other side of things... for years, I was completely antisocial, since I hailed from a broken & impoverished military family which was once happy. In school, I was surrounded by rich ******** and I could not relate to them at all, they all seemed so shallow & fake. I deliberately avoided interaction with them, and I rationalized this antisocial behavior by telling myself that it took a stronger man to stand alone. And it DOES take a strong person to stand alone, so all of you who are feeling lonely here at this site, take a moment to reflect upon this strength.

Fast forward to a time in my life when I felt comfortable with befriending people... problem was, many of them were still fake and shallow, and my emotions ran deep. They still do, lol. Fast forward again, to a point where I routinely drop-kicked fake & shallow types out of my life like I was STARRIN' in the NFL. Let me tell you what I've learned over the decades: one good friend is worth a million fake ones, and that's the honest truth. I'm lucky to have such a friend... two of them, actually, though I've also lost some good friends due to untimely deaths. There's an attrition rate in life, seems like half my high school classmates are already dead. Hard-partying generation, you understand.

A good friend is someone who will BE THERE FOR YOU in time of need... the two hands I consider to be my best friends are no fair-weather friends, our bonds have been hammered & tested in 'The Forge of Life.' But these are solid friends, men of integrity, and I deliberately maintain contact with them, since I value their opinions. I know that when I ask a question, they will both give honest answers, and honesty is a good foundation for friendship. So is respect, and I respect these hands, as they've each accomplished things, same way I've done things that few if any other folks have done.

So, Juana24, do not despair... think of all the drama & grief you're SPARING yourself by NOT having fake friends. That's a good start, lol. Then figure out ways to find others who are like-minded in beliefs, hobbies, occupations, etc. They're out there... if a hardcore antisocial MFer like me can make good solid friends over the decades, well, it should be a piece of cake for you. It all starts by changing one's thinking, and judging potential friends by their character and not their appearance. Learn to recognize fake & shallow types, and cherish friendships with those whose beliefs, values, levels of respect, etc., run a little deeper.

Being 'friended' on the web does NOT constitute real friendship, lol. Real friendship is grounded in reality, honesty, willingness on both sides to maintain friendship, and yes, hard work. I don't mean physical labor, I'm talking about overlooking imperfections or minor flaws in character, stuff that isn't really important. For instance, I'd be willing to overlook the fact that some person liked Barry Manilow, lol, if that person made a good technical rock climbing partner and I could trust my life to him (or her). Trust is a big issue in many relationships: if I can't trust a person, then I don't really want to know that person, aye? And I value my life more highly than ANY amount of money...

Some people are scared or unwilling to open up and take that initial risk in establishing friendship... moi, back in the day, I couldn't be bothered with it. But most humans are social creatures to some extent, yes? Finding the level at which you're comfortable is important, while finding people you can trust and respect can be difficult. All I can say is that they're out there, now it's up to you to find them. There are billions of people on this planet, surely some share common ground with you... moi, I formed my first real friendships with other hardcore antisocial skateboarders, back when skateboarding was still a crime, lol. Skating was the common bond which led to our deeper friendship.

Remember, there's an attrition rate in life, nobody here gets out alive... for that reason, I've lost good friends over the years, and each loss was another hammer blow in 'The Forge of Life.' I'm with Nietzsche on this one: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Hurts like hell in the meantime, but yes, it eventually makes us stronger. So cherish those good solid friendships & relationships once you have them, as they will not last forever... they may last a lifetime if you're both lucky. As somebody into extreme sports, I've cheated Death a few times in the past, but like a good poker player, He always wins in the end.

That's my spiel, hope it helps ya... honestly, if that number 24 is your age, you're still young enough to change things and improve your life. Moi, I'm an old rogue dinosaur who has seen too much of the rotten human race, but I've been blessed to find good friendships DESPITE rotten human nature, lol. Like Neil Young, "I've been a miner for a heart of gold..." That line applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships, aye? I've had to work my way through some worthless ground too, believe me... I chalked it up to bad experience and moved on, to eventually find solid friendship worth more than gold. Money is important, since it pays the bills, but I'm not infected with the sickness of greed, lol... true friendship is something I value more highly than money. Good luck to ya, and CHEERS!!!
I love everything you said and also the way you say them. Thank you for taking the time to reply, both things, your words and your time mean so much. Thank you!
 
One question, if I may: Do you consider/feel your boyfriend to be your friend?
Yes I do. Of course. But I don't want him to be the only one. I've noticed that it puts some extra weight on his shoulders. Like it tends to make me more dependant on him in some sort of way. That's what bothers me in this situation... He has other friends, a lot actually, and he tries to share them with me but I just don't resonate and sometimes I just wish I had my own friends so not all my social interactions are linked only to my boyfriend. I don't want to become some kind of burden...
 
It's queer, yes, for me. I have found myself in the past few years feeling extremely lonely, to the point of physical pain sometimes; yet, I often go out of my way to avoid meeting new people. I'm lonely and want (or think I want) friendship/companionship, yet, at the same time, I want to be alone. It's as if I'm thirsty; but, don't want to drink anything. I haven't really figured it out. It's queer.

Though, there are times when I am hungry, yet, so lazy, exhausted, and/or lacking in energy, that I just decide not to eat anything, lol. As sad as that is, maybe that's what it's about; hungry, but not enough to satiate the hunger...
I get you. I've felt that in so many different situations ...
 
This is very confusing, I don't understand it. I hope that, if you relate, you'd talk to me and maybe we can try a way out, I feel way too lost about this.
We are not lost. Our brains are just a little different from others who make friends easily.
You know like that one kitten from the litter who finds it difficult to make friends with humans or doesn't let you pet it easily till it feels comfortable.

I'm very much a loner too.

0 friends.
Virgin.
No girlfriend. Never had any.
Unemployed at the moment.
Unapologetic even if others who don't understand me might find me boring.

I don't know how old are you.
But i guess I'm pretty old to safely say that friendships get difficult to start and maintain once you cross 30s. More so if you had already been a loner since your teenage and early adulthood.
After intial successes as a kid and later many failures in life one thing I've noticed is that people gravitate towards other people who are successful, rich and intelligent.
They want to be friends with them.
Nobody can buy intelligence.
But being successful and rich does give you an edge over others.
You don't have to approach others for friendship.
People often approach you for friendship. You can then filter them as friends, acquaintances and those who are simply there for money or who wants to be related to you or want to be a part of your network.
Long term friendships where both the parties can relate to each other and those that involve mutual understanding and respect are rare.
Sometimes it's a matter of luck.
Sometimes faith.
Sometimes hope.
Sometimes a bit of all that.

If someone gets tired and leaves it's their personal choice. It's neither good nor bad. There's nothing wrong with you.
You are enough for yourself and that is enough. Everything else is more than enough.
 

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