Lonely in marriage?

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bemyfriend

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Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I'm wondering if any of you experience loneliness while being in a relationship, or even married? I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2 years), and after all these years I find myself completely lonely in my relationship with my husband and isolated from the rest of the society. Before I met him, I had friends and was active in the community, but he was very vigilant, demanding, and jealous and to keep peace with him I gradually abandoned all my friendships. Now, I have no a single friend and feel mostly depressed and resentful toward my husband. I used to think that his jealousy stemmed from his great love for me, and only now I start to realize that it was his way to control me. He has a history of mental illness (bipolar disorder), but he denies the need of working on his issues with a therapist and sometimes refuses to take his medications. It isn't my first marriage and I would rather not go through a divorce, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and even desperate. We are doing a couple's therapy, but after a year of it he still denies being controlling. I'm trying to break the pattern of him controlling me but find my own will power shattered into pieces. Since I don't really want to go through a divorce, I'd like to rebuild myself - my independence, freedom, and social connections while being married. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think, it is possible to pick yourself up and rebuild piece by piece to return to your old self, or maybe, to a stronger person? Is it possible to find true friends while being in a such a depressing marriage? Or there is only one way - to divorce? I'd appreciate your input. I am 59 and he is 64.
 
Hello, and welcome. I also originally came here because I was lonely in my marriage. My husband was different though - uninterested in anything and spending all his time in a chair.

I have only an opinion to give, which is this - to return to your self and grow strong you will need to at the very least separate from him and experience life with all its ups and downs completely without him. You need to grow your own strong roots, since your original ones have been destroyed. I do wonder though, what happens when/if you are no longer willing to be dominated?

I guess you have plenty of questions right now and don't need a basket more. So I hope you find good support here. I did.
 
Welcome to the forum!

IMO, since you don't want to get a divorce, then just start doing stuff on your own. Allow your husband to sit and do nothing. That's what he wants to do. But, that shouldn't stop you from going out, making friends, maybe taking classes, ask others to go to the movies with you, join clubs, and begin socializing again. It sounds like that's what you want / need to do. So do it now before you are no longer able to do it. If / when he starts complaining about you always being gone and doing stuff you can tell him it's his choice to sit and do nothing OR he can come with you. It's not your fault he is choosing to sit at home and do nothing.
 
bemyfriend said:
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I'm wondering if any of you experience loneliness while being in a relationship, or even married? I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2 years), and after all these years I find myself completely lonely in my relationship with my husband and isolated from the rest of the society. Before I met him, I had friends and was active in the community, but he was very vigilant, demanding, and jealous and to keep peace with him I gradually abandoned all my friendships. Now, I have no a single friend and feel mostly depressed and resentful toward my husband. I used to think that his jealousy stemmed from his great love for me, and only now I start to realize that it was his way to control me. He has a history of mental illness (bipolar disorder), but he denies the need of working on his issues with a therapist and sometimes refuses to take his medications. It isn't my first marriage and I would rather not go through a divorce, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and even desperate. We are doing a couple's therapy, but after a year of it he still denies being controlling. I'm trying to break the pattern of him controlling me but find my own will power shattered into pieces. Since I don't really want to go through a divorce, I'd like to rebuild myself - my independence, freedom, and social connections while being married. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think, it is possible to pick yourself up and rebuild piece by piece to return to your old self, or maybe, to a stronger person? Is it possible to find true friends while being in a such a depressing marriage? Or there is only one way - to divorce? I'd appreciate your input. I am 59 and he is 64.
Hi - firstly welcome to the forum, sorry to hear about how you're feeling <3 

very different to a marriage but my boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and at the start he was also jealous and controlling - it was very difficult and i struggled a lot before working it through with my own therapist. Similarly to your partner my bf was not keen on going to therapy, although i think he'd benefit from it... as through his past relationships he had been conditioned to think in a controlled manner rather than an even give and take situation, you know?

what made our situation heal was me realising that firstly, I could not change him. They are their own person, no matter how much you care they can only fix themselves. And secondly that this behaviour had stemmed from something traumatic that happened to them before me. We sat down and spoke about this, and i started to give him more space which in turn he gave me. His weird jealousy has now gone and we are in a way better place :) 

But from an outsider perspective it sounds like you need to get out the relationship bubble and try and find new people to include in your life. Maybe some space and different groups would be good for how you feel! If he gets upset, he just has to understand you need it for your health.

Life isn't just healthy and unhealthy relationships, you can have an unhealthy relationship but you grow and become a stronger version of yourself, or you can have a healthy relationship where you're stunted. Don't feel to disheartened by the fact you guys are struggling right now. Take it as it is, dating is complex as hell imo haha.
 
Bemyfriend, I'm no marriage expert, but I've lived long enough to offer a relevant Christian perspective on relationships.
Your case is common, with couples being unequally yoked, either because they share different goals, values, and interests, or because they don't know how to love - which is an act of giving, not feeling.

I agree with the others that you need to pursue your own growth and not let your husband hold you back, but what should that growth entail? And should you do it as a wife or divorcee?  I have two comments:

First, I'd maintain that our primary purpose in life is to know and love God, and our second purpose is to learn how to love others.  This builds our character, grows our souls, and prepares us for the real eternal life to come.  Although it'd be best to share this experience with your mate, it's none the less something you can pursue without him.  I'd suggest joining a good church.  Don't just attend on Sundays and slip out; join the small groups and get involved.  There, you can find both spiritual and social support that'll give you a new outlook on life.

Second, there's the question of divorce.  Is the marriage hopeless or is there a chance for serious change?  Personally, I wouldn't expect secular marriage counselling to overcome a man's unloving heart. Something more and bigger is needed - like God.  In short, a loving relationship with the Lord inevitably leads to a more loving relationship with your spouse.  And such love can have a life changing influence upon the spouse's beliefs, values, and behavior. There are many testimonies telling such stories - of lives and marriages being saved because one spouse became a Christian, later influencing the other.  The best movie of this is "Fireproof" - an excellent Christian drama film you might enjoy.  And one of my favorite YouTube video testimonies is an apologetics sermon from world famous author Lee Strobel, relaying his story from Atheist jerk to loving Christian - thanks to his wife's influence. Here's a 46 minute video worth anyone's time.  Get comfortable and give it a close watch if you want some good insight, truth, and encouragement for your life and situation.



I'm not judging you or your husband as an atheist, but do suggest that turning passionately to the Lord for your own life's growth will change you, making you a better person and a better wife.  Your husband should see and notice that change, and with prayer and the Spirit's work, may very well be influenced by it enough to reconcile the marriage into the loving relationship you deserve.
 
Sir Joseph said:
Bemyfriend, I'm no marriage expert, but I've lived long enough to offer a relevant Christian perspective on relationships.
Your case is common, with couples being unequally yoked, either because they share different goals, values, and interests, or because they don't know how to love - which is an act of giving, not feeling.

I agree with the others that you need to pursue your own growth and not let your husband hold you back, but what should that growth entail? And should you do it as a wife or divorcee?  I have two comments:

First, I'd maintain that our primary purpose in life is to know and love God, and our second purpose is to learn how to love others.  This builds our character, grows our souls, and prepares us for the real eternal life to come.  Although it'd be best to share this experience with your mate, it's none the less something you can pursue without him.  I'd suggest joining a good church.  Don't just attend on Sundays and slip out; join the small groups and get involved.  There, you can find both spiritual and social support that'll give you a new outlook on life.

Second, there's the question of divorce.  Is the marriage hopeless or is there a chance for serious change?  Personally, I wouldn't expect secular marriage counselling to overcome a man's unloving heart. Something more and bigger is needed - like God.  In short, a loving relationship with the Lord inevitably leads to a more loving relationship with your spouse.  And such love can have a life changing influence upon the spouse's beliefs, values, and behavior. There are many testimonies telling such stories - of lives and marriages being saved because one spouse became a Christian, later influencing the other.  The best movie of this is "Fireproof" - an excellent Christian drama film you might enjoy.  And one of my favorite YouTube video testimonies is an apologetics sermon from world famous author Lee Strobel, relaying his story from Atheist jerk to loving Christian - thanks to his wife's influence. Here's a 46 minute video worth anyone's time.  Get comfortable and give it a close watch if you want some good insight, truth, and encouragement for your life and situation.



I'm not judging you or your husband as an atheist, but do suggest that turning passionately to the Lord for your own life's growth will change you, making you a better person and a better wife.  Your husband should see and notice that change, and with prayer and the Spirit's work, may very well be influenced by it enough to reconcile the marriage into the loving relationship you deserve.



Why are you constantly trying to push a Christian agenda?
 
Back on topic!

Welcome to the forum. I have also experienced loneliness while being married. It can be the worst knowing that you should have someone in your corner, yet still feeling alone.
I think you should definitely try to find something worthwhile for you outside of the marriage, for just yourself. I think everyone should do that, whether they feel lonely or not. It can be a great way to keep the relationship healthy, as well as yourself. If you rely too much on another person to help your mental well being, it's generally always going to fail.
 
Hello,
I am also very lonely and sad in my marriage. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, married for 8 years. I sometimes blame myself like I need to invest more energy into it but we also have a 22 month old son and of course I do everything for him. I have no friends (very long story there). Just want to chat.
Thanks 😊
 
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I'm wondering if any of you experience loneliness while being in a relationship, or even married? I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2 years), and after all these years I find myself completely lonely in my relationship with my husband and isolated from the rest of the society. Before I met him, I had friends and was active in the community, but he was very vigilant, demanding, and jealous and to keep peace with him I gradually abandoned all my friendships. Now, I have no a single friend and feel mostly depressed and resentful toward my husband. I used to think that his jealousy stemmed from his great love for me, and only now I start to realize that it was his way to control me. He has a history of mental illness (bipolar disorder), but he denies the need of working on his issues with a therapist and sometimes refuses to take his medications. It isn't my first marriage and I would rather not go through a divorce, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and even desperate. We are doing a couple's therapy, but after a year of it he still denies being controlling. I'm trying to break the pattern of him controlling me but find my own will power shattered into pieces. Since I don't really want to go through a divorce, I'd like to rebuild myself - my independence, freedom, and social connections while being married. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think, it is possible to pick yourself up and rebuild piece by piece to return to your old self, or maybe, to a stronger person? Is it possible to find true friends while being in a such a depressing marriage? Or there is only one way - to divorce? I'd appreciate your input. I am 59 and he is 64.
There's no great love in exacerbated jealousy and controlling.
I've never been in such a situation cause I really can't stand people trying to control me, so sorry if I ask but I really can't understand why you won't consider divorce since he's not even keen on admitting he's controlling. Are you scared of ending alone?
I hope I'm not upsetting you with my question.
I think you can rebuild yourself if you start again doing all the things you used to do, like being involved in your community, find new hobbies, get out of home. I'm sure you'll take your decisions as soon as you'll see you can be happier than this.
 
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I'm wondering if any of you experience loneliness while being in a relationship, or even married? I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2 years), and after all these years I find myself completely lonely in my relationship with my husband and isolated from the rest of the society. Before I met him, I had friends and was active in the community, but he was very vigilant, demanding, and jealous and to keep peace with him I gradually abandoned all my friendships. Now, I have no a single friend and feel mostly depressed and resentful toward my husband. I used to think that his jealousy stemmed from his great love for me, and only now I start to realize that it was his way to control me. He has a history of mental illness (bipolar disorder), but he denies the need of working on his issues with a therapist and sometimes refuses to take his medications. It isn't my first marriage and I would rather not go through a divorce, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and even desperate. We are doing a couple's therapy, but after a year of it he still denies being controlling. I'm trying to break the pattern of him controlling me but find my own will power shattered into pieces. Since I don't really want to go through a divorce, I'd like to rebuild myself - my independence, freedom, and social connections while being married. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think, it is possible to pick yourself up and rebuild piece by piece to return to your old self, or maybe, to a stronger person? Is it possible to find true friends while being in a such a depressing marriage? Or there is only one way - to divorce? I'd appreciate your input. I am 59 and he is 64.
I'm in a similar situation, but I'm male and she is controlling.

I once heard; they that care the least own the relationship.

You don't have to leave to not care. You can stay married and just do what's right for you.

I had come to the end of my tolerance with my wife. I'd call her out on what she was denying me, how she was controlling me. She wouldn't accept it and it was me that was out of line (presumably for not letting her have her way).

So, I've retreated. I'm not ignoring her, but I do what I want (mostly) and I don't engage with her anymore.

Take your power back. Get your friends back. Live for you. He can do what he wants. But you can't engage with him about it. You have to not care.

This is working for me. If he isn't violent, it could work for you.

Not advice. Just the experience of my situation. Results may vary.
 
Hello,
I am also very lonely and sad in my marriage. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, married for 8 years. I sometimes blame myself like I need to invest more energy into it but we also have a 22 month old son and of course I do everything for him. I have no friends (very long story there). Just want to chat.
Thanks 😊
When the fire has burned 🔥 out...it seldom comes back.
Romance is the rarest flower, whose fragrance is fleeting....
 
This is a sad thread. I'm really sorry for you people. No one should have to endure being forced to be lonely. Shame on your partners.
 
Romance is overrated. Banter is where it's at in relationships.
Ridicu
Romance is overrated. Banter is where it's at in relationships.
For someone who can't commit or has a low EQ (emotional) or hasn't matured bantering would be the way to go

For most people avrelationship without emotions is tragically pointless
 
Hello,
I am also very lonely and sad in my marriage. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, married for 8 years. I sometimes blame myself like I need to invest more energy into it but we also have a 22 month old son and of course I do everything for him. I have no friends (very long story there). Just want to chat.
Thanks 😊
What is on your.mind today?
Tom
 
Bemyfriend,
I very much like your writing style. Have you ever thought of penpals? I think that might be a gentle first step in building new friendships and a new life for yourself. Articulating your frustration and sadness in a letter to someone you have never met but consider a close friend is quite liberating. You might also be able to support someone with similar problems and thereby regain a sense of your own worth.
 
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum and this is my first post. I'm wondering if any of you experience loneliness while being in a relationship, or even married? I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2 years), and after all these years I find myself completely lonely in my relationship with my husband and isolated from the rest of the society. Before I met him, I had friends and was active in the community, but he was very vigilant, demanding, and jealous and to keep peace with him I gradually abandoned all my friendships. Now, I have no a single friend and feel mostly depressed and resentful toward my husband. I used to think that his jealousy stemmed from his great love for me, and only now I start to realize that it was his way to control me. He has a history of mental illness (bipolar disorder), but he denies the need of working on his issues with a therapist and sometimes refuses to take his medications. It isn't my first marriage and I would rather not go through a divorce, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and even desperate. We are doing a couple's therapy, but after a year of it he still denies being controlling. I'm trying to break the pattern of him controlling me but find my own will power shattered into pieces. Since I don't really want to go through a divorce, I'd like to rebuild myself - my independence, freedom, and social connections while being married. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think, it is possible to pick yourself up and rebuild piece by piece to return to your old self, or maybe, to a stronger person? Is it possible to find true friends while being in a such a depressing marriage? Or there is only one way - to divorce? I'd appreciate your input. I am 59 and he is 64.
Hi. My husband (now x husband ) also had mental illness. (Bipolar ). Some similarities to your story. Eventually I had to force myself to leave (didn’t want divorce, but my life was hell ). I moved to another state where my parents lived to get as far away as possible for fear I would get sucked back in if I stayed in the same town.
Now ,however , I am so alone that this feels even worse , and I sometimes regret leaving . I guess the grass seem greener somewhere else. I have no friends here in this town.
 

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