People like us are held to higher standards

If I want to date now I have to be a pure being only interested in the emotional connection.

If I want to have friends now I have to accept most people my age have other priorities and aren't interested in repeating the fun times they had in their youth.

To be honest, I look around at my peers and want nothing to do with the majority of them, as their dull routine lives make me even more depressed. More often than not the people who roll of lectures or say I have a shitty attitude got to live their youth while I'm in the situation of needing therapy to reconcile myself to the fact I didn't. Since I'm liable to get passive aggressive or sarcastic, it's better to just avoid the discussion.

We missed the boat in every way possible, but are now required to be as mature as those who didn't, and most of those people have no idea.

I have concluded that you must live in the dullest corner of the world, full of lazy, self absorbed people who have no interest in anyone but themselves....and of course the top 20% of men.

Seriously, it's not anything like that where I live. Maybe a change of scenery is exactly what you need.

Not sure if that's a shot at me Callie but you're not far off the mark.

Most of my peer group that still go out are unhealthy drunks who drink at the same bar. They wouldn't put themselves out for their "mates" if they were dying in hospital. Nobody cares and it's nothing like being in your twenties.

The only shot I took was the 20%. Lol

But seriously, yeah, it's not like that where I live. I know a lot of people your age that go out and have a good time and are always looking for new friends. So yeah, maybe where you live is part of the problem. Hell, you aren't that much older than me, if your profile is accurate.

ardour said:

If I want to date now I have to be a  pure being only interested in the emotional connection.

If I want to have friends now I have to accept most people my age have other priorities and aren't interested in repeating the fun times they had in their youth.

To be honest, I look around at my peers and want nothing to do with the majority of them, as  their dull routine lives make me even more depressed. More often than not the people who roll of  lectures or say I have a shitty attitude got to live their youth while I'm in the situation of needing therapy to reconcile myself to the fact  I didn't. Since I'm liable to get passive aggressive or sarcastic, it's better to just avoid the discussion.

We missed the boat in every way possible, but are now required to be as mature as those who didn't, and most of those people have no idea.

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I'm not sure where you're getting some of these ideas from... "pure being"? Women want sex just as much as men, but it has been in my experience "wrong" or at the very least unbelievable for a woman to say it. But for a guy... it's fine, expected even. Maybe it's my own inexperience coloring that perception. But I don't think anyone is looking for just the emotional connection, just like if they want a serious relationship they aren't JUST looking for sex.

I get the friends thing, everyone else is at a different point in their life. Kids, career, etc. They did the partying and hangover bullshit, learned whatever they think they learned and it's not a priority anymore. But whether that makes them more mature or not... is debatable. I don't think everyone actually learns anything going through that experience, and I don't think there's a concrete time limit. What do you want to do? Go clubbing, drink at campfires with friends, casual sex? I'm not picking on you, I just don't think these things are age limited. What specifically is your age restricting you from, besides dating younger women (and I don't think that's completely true). Or is it that you aren't that age anymore, so you can't have the exact same experience as what you think most people have at that age? I was like that about college. I wanted "the college experience" but never actually had it. I don't think it was ever possible anyway. I think it's like Christmas, the idea everyone has about it is not the same as reality. You build it up so much that it's a let down no matter how it plays out.

I definitely have a problem with this too, though. Does therapy help? I've never been... but I've considered it.
I feel like the obsession/fixation on all the things I've missed out on, or the "normal experiences" that I've missed has lessened over the years. I don't want to be worrying about trying to recapture my youth when I'm 80, and my body is breaking down and I have real limitations instead of just perceived ones.

It's time to get a life coach to help you change your situation. You are definitely stuck in a rut. Dating may be extremely difficult for you. But, you are also looking for friends. That's a much easier thing to accomplish. So, for awhile take dating completely off the table. Don't even think about dating.

If you are trying to make friends with people that are around you and it's not working then stop doing that. Change your scenery and maybe even move. Do stuff like other members on here having been droaning on about concerning dating. But, use it to find friends instead. Start going to different groups, volunteer, blaaa, blaaa, blaaa. You know the routine and have read it a million times.

Go with only the intent to be looking for someone to do something with. There are plenty of others looking for friends out there. Usually groups of people want to be around our people. So, they are typically more welcoming and accepting of your faults. So, target them.

For instance, if I wanted a friend/s to do stuff IRL all I would have to do is join a 4x4 club since I 4x4. I could then go to meetings, events, fun raisers, and trail rides. Most of those groups want just about anybody they can find to join in on their fun. The more the merrier. They are very welcoming. And, yes, once they get to know you they'll introduce you to others and some of them will be women and some of them have single friends. Some of them might have other interest that you would enjoy as well. That's how friendships begin. The groups you go to don't really matter.

It's not about you enjoying whatever the group is doing. It's about you meeting and getting to know other people.

I had a coworker that moped around and had zero friends. Nobody wanted to be around him because he was a depressed mess. I steered clear of him myself. Well, one day he showed up to work on a brand new Harley Davidson motorcycle. He also joined a motorcycle club where he bought his motorcycle. We all thought he was an idiot. People called him the early mid-life crisis on two wheels.

But, he started to seem happier. Soon he went on rides with the group. He said he became well liked and even served on their board. His overall attitude changed and soon he always seemed happy and excited about his next adventure. He talked about the rides he went on and the different fund raising events he helped with. He became liked at work. His stories where fun to listen to. Any way, sure enough, he met a woman through the club. After several months they got married. He was short and not attractive. So was his new wife. But, they seemed happy together. That's how it can work.

So just act happy regardless, because people hate to be reminded how miserable they really are

Xpendable said:

So just act happy regardless, because people hate to be reminded how miserable they really are

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Should they be thrilled to be around some one who doesn't do anything but mope and whine?
Doesn't sound real fun to me, and if I want to be miserable I can do that just fine on my own.
It's about putting out the effort to get what you want. Choosing to try and not be miserable, not for some one else, for you. Just getting out of the house and doing something, anything can help you to feel better.
There's one part I disagree with though. I think you need to enjoy the activity too. You need to find something to feel excited about, especially because that's difficult (**** near impossible sometimes) when you're depressed. Otherwise, if things don't go the way you want them to as quickly as you want, you're liable to quit.


But, you already got what he meant. You only come on here to troll anyway.

^ Well, some depressed people don't feel excited about anything. It's easy for them to say there are no groups available that will work for them. I've done that many times myself when searching through the hundreds of local groups here. So, you have to take all the excuses away in order to begin the process. IMO, when starting at ground zero it's best just to join any group like at the beginning of the movie Fight Club.

kaetic said:

I'm not sure where you're getting some of these ideas from... "pure being"? Women want sex just as much as men, but it has been in my experience "wrong" or at the very least unbelievable for a woman to say it. But for a guy... it's fine, expected even. Maybe it's my own inexperience coloring that perception. But I don't think anyone is looking for just the emotional connection, just like if they want a serious relationship they aren't JUST looking for sex.

I get the friends thing, everyone else is at a different point in their life. Kids, career, etc. They did the partying and hangover bullshit, learned whatever they think they learned and it's not a priority anymore. But whether that makes them more mature or not... is debatable. I don't think everyone actually learns anything going through that experience, and I don't think there's a concrete time limit. What do you want to do? Go clubbing, drink at campfires with friends, casual sex? I'm not picking on you, I just don't think these things are age limited. What specifically is your age restricting you from, besides dating younger women (and I don't think that's completely true). Or is it that you aren't that age anymore, so you can't have the exact same experience as what you think most people have at that age? I was like that about college. I wanted "the college experience" but never actually had it. I don't think it was ever possible anyway. I think it's like Christmas, the idea everyone has about it is not the same as reality. You build it up so much that it's a let down no matter how it plays out.

I definitely have a problem with this too, though. Does therapy help? I've never been... but I've considered it.
I feel like the obsession/fixation on all the things I've missed out on, or the "normal experiences" that I've missed has lessened over the years. I don't want to be worrying about trying to recapture my youth when I'm 80, and my body is breaking down and I have real limitations instead of just perceived ones.

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When people are young they're allowed to find each other cute/appealing/attractive and base their dating decisions on that, but as you age it's as if you have to evolve past it.

"What do you want to do? Go clubbing, drink at campfires with friends, casual sex?"

Just knowing what it was like to have a few friends  at that age and maybe the option of dating would have been nice. But these experiences can’t be replicated in middle-age. You and I are too old to be hanging about with 24 year old’s now anyway.   We can maybe wing it with the unmarried late 20s/early 30s crowd for the time being, but then what? We'll be cut adrift in middle-age with no romantic or social options. Soon enough I'll look in the mirror and see a greying old man and at that point (when I can't pass for younger) life will be over.

The only thing on the horizon is having to become a caregiver again to my remaining relative, without an SO or anything in the interim. I can't stand to think a year ahead let alone think about that.

"Or is it that you aren't that age anymore"

While I still look/perv at young women, it's far preferable to be experiencing this at an earlier stage of life. Fantasies aside, being an old guy dating a much younger woman is an uncomfortable thought.

 I’ve gotten into the habit of watching 'day in the life' videos involving college-age people, which kind of helps, and doesn't.  This young guy is living the life.

ardour said:

"What do you want to do? Go clubbing, drink at campfires with friends, casual sex?"

Just knowing what it was like to have a few friends  at that age and maybe the option of dating would have been nice. But these experiences can’t be replicated in middle-age. You and I are too old to be hanging about with 24 year old’s now anyway.   We can maybe wing it with the unmarried late 20s/early 30s crowd for the time being, but then what? We'll be cut adrift in middle-age with no romantic or social options. Soon enough I'll look in the mirror and see a greying old man and at that point (when I can't pass for younger) life will be over.

The only thing on the horizon is having to become a caregiver again to my remaining relative, without an SO,  or anything in the interim.  I  can't stand to think a year ahead let alone think about that.

"Or is it that you aren't that age anymore"

l still look/perv at young women, but I don’t like the age gap. It's much better to be experiencing this at an earlier stage of life. Fantasies aside, being an old guy dating a much younger woman is an uncomfortable thought.

 I’ve gotten into the  habit of watching 'day in the life' videos involving college-age people, which kind of helps, and doesn't.  This young guy is living the life.

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I suppose that depends on how long you "wing it" with the late 20's/ early 30's crowd. I only went clubbing three times in my life with a small group of acquaintances/friends (I maybe knew one of them well) and it was enough to know it wasn't for me. I suppose if you really enjoy it though, it could go how you say. I should mention though that there were a lot of people much older than us at all 3 of those clubs. My friend ditched me to hook up with one of them. I mean, it makes sense that single people in their late 30's early 40's would have more time and money to spend on that crap than young kids with honeysuckle jobs.

But, it kind of sounds like to me that more than the experiences of youth... you just want to connect with people in the present. It's not hard to drift toward picturing young people in those wishes, because we were all young once. (Plus there's the media's consistent need to glorify youth). I recently met a co-worker from high school that I didn't even recognize because I still imagined him as this skinny white kid I used to work with. He didn't have the same issue, but I know I don't look like I did back then. Scare myself in pictures because of the difference sometimes, not that I liked pictures before, lol. 
I watched that video, and yeah I get how that wouldn't help at all. It's like every school anime ever in live action... I kept wondering how he was going to get up in the morning drinking all night with his friends like that... but I remember watching stuff about how they have to drink after work with their bosses every night too sometimes. Maybe it's part of preparing for that? Or maybe it was just a friday night, lol.  I wouldn't want to put a bad day on video, that's for sure.
I didn't really enjoy college, granted it wasn't typical. The first time I was still in high school and I was younger than everyone else(and working pt), and the last time I was older than everyone else and working a fulltime job. (just horrible stress, felt like an outsider, and now I get to pay a massive bill... but I got a degree  ) It stuck out to me that all these kids have to worry about are their grades (in the video) either some one else is paying their way or they have much better financial aid. I don't know how New Zealand is but for most people in the US this has never been the case. $$$ drives everything here. My nephew is in his last year of college, and he got a "free ride" because his mom works for the college, but he still has to pay for books and class fees. The first two years of him being in college he seemed so miserable and depressed, we were scared for him. It's a huge life change, I remember not dealing well with my "huge life change" back then and I didn't have all the pressures of college. I suppose it's easy to look back now with rose colored glasses.

But I get needing connection, closeness. That stuck out to me in the video. I can't even watch fiction sometimes when it's a group of close friends like that, or a close family in some cases. Just reminds me of what I don't have, and may not ever. Don't get me wrong I have one good friend, and I get along with 2 of my siblings atm. And I love my nieces and nephews. But it's that "closeness" that I've always wanted and I've never had. The advice I always get is to "open up more" but I don't feel like I'm closed off in the first place. I talk, sometimes way too **** much, overshare hoping to connect. But every time, nothing, and "you need to open up more". ugh. I do feel like I missed the opportunity to make friends with anyone, because no one now seems willing to let anyone else in.

I'm pretty sure I'm rambling now, it's past 2AM and I've not been sleeping lately. Sorry.

aha... yes, maybe it seems like I get my ideals from anime/Japan. Yeah it was his group of friends that really struck me. To know that you matter to a group of people. I've completely missed out on that too, and since everyone's busy or just not interested now, that'll have to be accepted.

Tertiary education receives a fairly substantial government subsidy, about 70% of tuition fees for domestic students. I didn't want to take out a loan so worked mornings and over the breaks. Going back after 25 is going to be awkward with all the school leavers.

I thought I'd hate clubbing but found it to be stupid fun. I ended up at a gay club once in the Red Light district. People were very friendly in that establishment.

ardour said:

aha... yes, I don't get my life lessons from anime/Japan. Perhaps I come across as immature.

Tertiary education receives a fairly substantial government subsidy, about 70% for domestic students.  Last I looked that averaged out to 5-6 thousand NZD. I didn't want to take out a loan so worked mornings and over the breaks. Going back after 25 is going to be awkward with all the school leavers.

I thought I'd hate  clubbing but found it to be a lot of stupid fun. Lowbrow taste!

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immature for not watching cartoons as an adult? lol, no you're good, I'm the weirdo.  but I wouldn't say I get my life lessons from them... though, it occurs to me now that you didn't mean that the way I read it... prob time for bed for me...

What are you going to study?

Maybe it was more the company in my case... (that made me hate clubbing) The loudness though, I don't do well with loud.

As said in the edit, it was his group of friends that really got to me. That feels like it can't happen now.

I finished my Bachelors in 2005. Did a library qualification a couple of year's ago (distance) but that was for work.

The past is gone. It sucks that you missed out on things. Many people do. But, you better snap out of it before you are old and your choices and options completely disappear. You are torturing yourself instead of improving yourself. Focus on the future. What kind of friend / friends do you want now? Research where they are located, how to interact with them, make a plan, and then execute it. If you want help just ask. Many people on here will help you including me.

I'm already at that point. The way you feel about your age is how I feel about mine.

kaetic said:

Xpendable said:

So just act happy regardless, because people hate to be reminded how miserable they really are

Click to expand...

Should they be thrilled to be around some one who doesn't do anything but mope and whine?
Doesn't sound real fun to me, and if I want to be miserable I can do that just fine on my own.
It's about putting out the effort to get what you want. Choosing to try and not be miserable, not for some one else, for you. Just getting out of the house and doing something, anything can help you to feel better.
There's one part I disagree with though. I think you need to enjoy the activity too. You need to find something to feel excited about, especially because that's difficult (**** near impossible sometimes) when you're depressed. Otherwise, if things don't go the way you want them to as quickly as you want, you're liable to quit.


But, you already got what he meant. You only come on here to troll anyway.

Click to expand...

People make it hard to enjoy things, especially self rightgeous, know-it-all people with 0 empathy for anyone with a different life experience than them.

Xpendable said:

kaetic said:

Xpendable said:

So just act happy regardless, because people hate to be reminded how miserable they really are

Click to expand...

Should they be thrilled to be around some one who doesn't do anything but mope and whine?
Doesn't sound real fun to me, and if I want to be miserable I can do that just fine on my own.
It's about putting out the effort to get what you want. Choosing to try and not be miserable, not for some one else, for you. Just getting out of the house and doing something, anything can help you to feel better.
There's one part I disagree with though. I think you need to enjoy the activity too. You need to find something to feel excited about, especially because that's difficult (**** near impossible sometimes) when you're depressed. Otherwise, if things don't go the way you want them to as quickly as you want, you're liable to quit.


But, you already got what he meant. You only come on here to troll anyway.

Click to expand...

People make it hard to enjoy things, especially self rightgeous, know-it-all people with 0 empathy for anyone with a different life experience than them.

Click to expand...

wow, that's so true... I completely agree

Finished said:

Go with only the intent to be looking for someone to do something with. There are plenty of others looking for friends out there. Usually groups of people want to be around our people. So, they are typically more welcoming and accepting of your faults. So, target them.

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I've a fairly active social life.  I've gone to plenty of meetups and also met a few people through hobbies or at the gym. People have been generally welcoming, true, but that doesn't mean a social circle can be formed from any of this. We will never experience a group dynamic: The "groups" at this age are  lifelong friends not welcoming of outsiders.  It's just an individual met here or there in different circumstances.

ardour said:

Finished said:

Go with only the intent to be looking for someone to do something with. There are plenty of others looking for friends out there. Usually groups of people want to be around our people. So, they are typically more welcoming and accepting of your faults. So, target them.

Click to expand...

I've a fairly active social life.  I've gone to plenty of meetups and also met a few people through hobbies or at the gym. People have been generally welcoming, true, but that doesn't mean a social circle can be formed from any of this. We will never experience a group dynamic: The "groups" at this age are  lifelong friends not welcoming of outsiders.  It's just an individual met here or there in different circumstances.

Click to expand...

Good! 

You have to really work at becoming a member of an established group. It takes a lot of time and effort. Some groups it may never happen. But, don't give up. Look for new groups just forming. Or try forming your own group on meetup. But, give it a lot of time and seek out other people.

You need to bring value to the group like specific experience, expertise, humor, generosity, something that is wanted or needed since you don't have history with them. For instance maybe get to know some hiking trails and offer to lead group hikes. Other group members will definitely want to get to know you. Then you can ask other people you meet if they are interested in hiking and tell them you are leading some hikes.

You may not have lifelong history with group members. But, you can start forming your own history with them now.