I think my shyness puts guys off

I've been spending the last few months looking at myself and how I act, how I talk, etc... I'm almost certain that my shyness puts guys off me.

It's like they don't want to be around someone who's quiet and will make the situation uncomfortable so they hang around the loud, confident girls because they make them feel more comfortable.

In the last month, a number of guys have shown interest in me, which is great but... as soon as they get a hint of my shyness, they wander off. I'm trying so hard, to put up this front but it's hard to be a social, confident, happy-go-lucky person when you've got little to none experience in social situations when you're alone all the time. Nobody is understanding or patient, they just get bored and go. I don't get a chance to break through this wall and show them the real me because I'm so on edge that they think i'm quiet or weird. :/

That's pretty weird. Personally I prefer a quieter girl to the loud ones usually, since the loud ones tend to drink and turn annoying fast. But, there's good, confident quiet and then there's shy and shut-off...and you seem to be suffering from the latter.


I'm a guy, but your situation (I read your other post, too) basically sounds the same to what happened to me, time wise. I never had a huge group of friends, but around the age of 14-15 I started doing home schooling and just totally isolated myself. I'd never really liked people anyway. 4 years later, after moving to a small town in a new state where I knew absolutely nobody, it was time to find a job and start my fire career by joining a volunteer department for experience. I don't know about the UK, but in the US firefighters are about as loud as they come. I figured at first I would just show up for calls and training and involve myself socially a little bit...but I quickly learned that you can't really do that, because to trust eachother in this line of work, you have to know eachother.

So began an at least 9 month inner battle to overcome my quiet, introverted, timid shyness. It was painful and stressful, and as fire meetings came and went I wished more and more I could somehow be a part of that group. But how? Even if I wanted to, I had nothing really to talk about. I had no conversation skills really, and I didn't do anything to talk about with them.

So I finally got a job. And that's when I started having -something- to talk about, at least. Something to work with. And then the 6 month basic fire class started up and I was able to open up more and more over time and realize, 'Hey, there really is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to talking to people.' I learned the skill of being able to stand around and just BS, and be relaxed doing it. Finally, one day, we were doing a new training exercise and the Chief came in and started teasing some of us (In a friendly way...Chief's a pretty cool old guy). So I Shock-and-Awed everyone: I told Chief I was going to shove an air pack up his ass.

We laughed for ten minutes, and from there on it was easy street. I'd broke out of my shell...and while I'm the same friendly guy I always have been, it shows now. I too am loud and proud...and it's *fun*.

So, keep working at it. You need to watch closely what other people do: How conversations flow, what sort of body language and posturing they use. Mull over in your head how you would respond to certain things. Slowly start making yourself have things to say, and don't be afraid to say them.

I don't really know what college is like socially, other than the big dumb drunken parties, because I'm not going to a big university or anything...I'm just getting my A.S. through a community college. But life is a dynamic thing, and you can always find a new crowd of people to 'start fresh' with, even if it's outside the college environment. But as you go, you might not have to. I was just like you, but I got to the point where I was getting invited to lunch or dinner like I had always hoped for, and if I ever want to I can outright say to someone, 'hey, I'm bored lately. Are you doing anything fun?' At first it feels like you're nagging, but if you say it kinda light heartedly with a smile, most times people are glad to have you along...and then you start getting invited the next time.

Again, the starting point comes back to watching other people. And that doesn't mean you have to get drunk like they do I don't think (in fact I recommend avoiding that aspect of things if you can), just 'learn' the confidence and how to communicate to others who you are and what you're thinking. It's a hard, painstaking path sometimes. But I found success...and if I can do it, I know you can too.

Anyway.

Don't feel too desperate to find a boyfriend. You're a really good looking girl, if that is a picture of you, and once you learn to communicate and socialize (not necessarily learning to be loud and drunk and obnoxious) I seriously doubt you'll have problems as long as you're friendly. Remember: We are *way* more afraid of you than you are of us A lot of what you've seen so far might be the guy is just feeling like you're not interested in him. I know if I approach and try to talk to a quiet girl I don't know, and she's really good looking, it doesn't take much to feel like I should find somewhere else to be.

Anyway...let me know what you think of all that and I can give you more feedback on specific things.

Cheers,
Brian

As a shot from the hip; my guess is that Your looks doesn't go that well with Your personality, in most guys' point of view i mean. The ones You've met lately might have been looking for that other type, seen it "on" You, but later on not "in" You.

This is just another example of how hard it is for me and probably many other guys here to compare ourselves to our gender. Men are bastards. I truly believe that. I'm a man, but i'm not a *******. How does that work? Beats me!

My soul-mate, the person i consider to be the best human being born to date, in all possible ways, has been treated like crap all her life. That's another hard thing to understand, and it just adds to the hatred i feel towards the reputation that my gender has, always had, and always will have. But it's the truth.

Panda, it know it sounds crazy, i couldn't understand this myself until the woman of my life let me know about the story of her life, but the fact that those guys didn't take an interest in You might be a very good thing. It might just mean that the right guy, the man who treats You like a goddess, gets attracted to You in the blink of an eye, and stays with You.

So they aren't the guys for you. Wait until one comes along who accepts you for who you are, not one who is attracted to a front of who you are not.

they leave because they think your not interested. If you where a guy and met a girl and doesnt even talk to you, you try your hardest to spark a convo and all you get is short one word responses and then silence, you would think, ok she doesnt like me, cya

All you need to do is show that your interested.

His find , good post and a situation others find themselves in due to not bein with people they are in tune with. I have always been quite shy though over the years have developed my confidene through doing things and being with others that share my interests and passions. Thats a key thing I have found, hangg with people that like what you like rather than represent what you think you should do.....

Panda said:

I've been spending the last few months looking at myself and how I act, how I talk, etc... I'm almost certain that my shyness puts guys off me.

It's like they don't want to be around someone who's quiet and will make the situation uncomfortable so they hang around the loud, confident girls because they make them feel more comfortable.

In the last month, a number of guys have shown interest in me, which is great but... as soon as they get a hint of my shyness, they wander off. I'm trying so hard, to put up this front but it's hard to be a social, confident, happy-go-lucky person when you've got little to none experience in social situations when you're alone all the time. Nobody is understanding or patient, they just get bored and go. I don't get a chance to break through this wall and show them the real me because I'm so on edge that they think i'm quiet or weird. :/

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This may sound awkward but I like you. I wish someday I could find a girl similar to you panda. With that said, I love to have a quiet girl with a good personality. You seem very nice, and I'm sure any guy who doesn't want to get to know you don't deserve your time or energy. And if you were loud like other girls, I guess guys like me (good guy) won't be interested.

Even so I would love to have u as a friends, of course that like fantasy land. Crap I need to wake up first...:club: there that better.


Your secret Crush from across the world away,

Chris

Conforming to social standards can be rough, especially if you want to compete for the most popular guys around. On the other hand you can post something about yourself practically anywhere on the net and they'll be no shortage of nice guys eager to fall in love with you.

Not sure if this helps, but before I was 13 I didn't care what anyone thought and could easily be myself. Then I was 13 in a different school and from then on sort of became the shy and emotional type for a while. I would say try just being yourself more and not really caring what anyone thinks.

Gah I dont se how it put guys off shyness is atrractive. <.<

Thank you, everyone! Still the same story in Uni today, some of the guys in class seem to gather around the loud girls, sure they talk casually to me but they feel uncomfortable around a quiet person, or maybe bored even.

There's one guy, he's mr popular in our class, everyone loves him and he's very loud (he's the type you see leaping around the class shouting with his friends.) He knows I'm quiet but he sort of made an effort to talk to me earlier, he calls me by my name (even though i dont know his lol) and he was surprisingly nice. Usually that type was the type of guy in school who would make fun, but he really made an effort to be nice/patient and in turn I made an effort to be more open, and it helped you know? I just need more time than all the other girls, I can't just sit there and feel completely comfortable around everyone yet. So that was nice of him, don't get me wrong, there's no interest in him haha, and with him being gay, there's definitely no interest in me xD

Alot of the other guys are quiet as well, I dare myself to make small talk with random guys, and I do it but alot of them give me the one word answer because they're shy as well. Then they wander off too, with their friends, because I'm uncomfortable to be around =[ Even they seem much more at ease with the bubbly loud girls. Probably because those girls do all the talking .

Brian, I think I do appear to be shut off sometimes. Now and again I try alot harder, I open up abit but when I still get left alone, I go back into myself again. I'm so glad you were able to break out of you shell! I can totally relate to alot of what you said, I isolated myself during and after school, everyday is just another day to try and make up for all the years I stuffed up. I really think I do need to "get myself out there" a bit more, i seem to wait for others to talk to me, or ask me things, when I could make the first move, It's something I need to work on, definitely! =]

Robin, thank you! I always keep that hope going that eventually, one day, there might be someone I just click with. Who feels comfortable with me and vice versa =]!

Unacceptance, You're right. I've often wondered about that, if I put up a front, or a mask to people outside and I met someone, would they like me or the person I'm trying so hard to be? I guess I'm convinced that if I'm myself completely then they'd get bored and run off.

Porman, thank you! I've wondered that, too. I do think I look like I'm not interested sometimes, but while they think that, I'm sitting there with 1000 thoughts going through my head at the same time, wondering how they perceive me. I wish sometimes I could just relax around people, anyone.

clarityman66, Thank you! I'm willing to try anything =]! I'm tired of being seen as the quiet one all the time, once you're stuck with that label, it's hard to get rid of it.

Chris, Aw! That's not awkward at all, it's very sweet of you! Thank you, and likewise! You're a great person and you deserve everything you want. I'd definitely hang out with you if we lived closer! It seems the nicest people I know live so **** far away =[! x

Catharsis, Thank you, I think that's actually a big part of it. I care far too much, I'm aware of everything I do or say, even how I walk when I'm out. I'm so worried about how others see me, that I end up looking completely shut off alot of the time. I wish I could just not give a ****. x

Hijacc, I actually think quiet guys are attractive ^^ But it seems that even the quiet ones around here go straight to the loud mouthes like **** flies. I can see why, I mean, who would want to sit on the table with the quiet ones who briefly talk every 15 minutes or the loud table where they're all laughing and having fun. I'm shy, but even when I do make small talk with guys, even shy ones, when the conversation runs out, they just feel uncomfortable. Half of them rely on me to keep it going, when they're with the loud ones they don't have that worry because the loud ones never shut up. xD p.s, your sig video is ridiculously addictive xD reminds me of m-flo

Panda said:

Hijacc, I actually think quiet guys are attractive ^^ But it seems that even the quiet ones around here go straight to the loud mouthes like **** flies. I can see why, I mean, who would want to sit on the table with the quiet ones who briefly talk every 15 minutes or the loud table where they're all laughing and having fun. I'm shy, but even when I do make small talk with guys, even shy ones, when the conversation runs out, they just feel uncomfortable. Half of them rely on me to keep it going, when they're with the loud ones they don't have that worry because the loud ones never shut up. xD p.s, your sig video is ridiculously addictive xD reminds me of m-flo

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Me I prefer being around the quiet people cant stand peaople talking too much makes me wonder if they take time to think at all.

I dunno *shrugs* Maybe im not normal I dont like normality anyhow so it makes sense.

(And my sig yeah I know its addictive crazy right its called skittles )

I love shy girls. The problem is, I'm shy, and so are they, so obviously we're both going to die lonely. haha.

Shy girls are really cute though.

Caesium said:

I love shy girls. The problem is, I'm shy, and so are they, so obviously we're both going to die lonely. haha.

Shy girls are really cute though.

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Agured its fun just to make them talk or smile.

Panda said:

but even when I do make small talk with guys, even shy ones, when the conversation runs out, they just feel uncomfortable. Half of them rely on me to keep it going, when they're with the loud ones they don't have that worry because the loud ones never shut up.

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Well, here's a quick conversation tip to get people away from the 'one word answer': In your free time, think of different things you can ask or say to people that specifically cannot be responded to with one word (or at least require more than a Yes/No response). That's the best way to start a conversation, because it's more engaging. If one doesn't work, allow a brief pause and then try something different. Heck, you can even make the cliche topic of weather work for you...and remember, just about every place is a good place to talk to people! Some examples:

[In the grocery store] "Are they serious? Ten bucks for a block of cheese? ...Hey, you wanna buy my boots? I need to buy cheese."

[In any line] "**** it's getting cold again. Almost time for ice fishing though..." (then, you could easily talk about what they do in the winter time, unemployment for outdoor jobs, etc.)

[One I've recently used, saw someone with a different version of my car] "Excuse me, but do you know what the difference is between the ZR-2 and the regular Tracker? I've got the standard model over there and I've always wondered." (Then we talked about it for a few minutes. Neither of us know the difference, apparently. )

Not everyone you talk to like this is going to become your friend. Most people wont, infact, because you're just talking in passing. But what it does for you is helps you get used to conversing, starting conversations, and interacting with other people...and the best part is, it's usually only for a couple of minutes at a time, tops. As you get used to it, you might make a new friend out of it (especially if you see the same person multiple times), or you could even have a date if you wanted. But, that's a little down the road and might not be to your tastes.



And yeah, don't worry about the really loud people. A lot of them tend to also be the puking-drunk-every-night frat crowd, and that's not something to really be proudly involved with. You'll probably draw more interesting people to you if you stay like you are, but just get more comfortable with people and be able to talk to them.

Hijacc said:

Caesium said:

I love shy girls. The problem is, I'm shy, and so are they, so obviously we're both going to die lonely. haha.

Shy girls are really cute though.

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Agured its fun just to make them talk or smile.

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Jesus Christ, seriously, where are all those guys who like shy girls IRL? Probably just online. I've never met any, everyone just naturally prefers someone who talks a lot because that way there's never an awkward moment of silence, and with shy ones you get them all the time as they just don't have that innate talent to shoot their mouth off incessantly

I love shy girls too and is that you in your avi panda? Youre really pretty:shy:

I have this one class im in (criminology) and there is this one girl who i think is interested in me but is anti social and shy like me (at least i think).

Classes have gone for 6 weeks and like your typical class, nobody knows no one's name unless you came to it knowing someone before hand but this girl knows mine after 6 weeks (how i dont know but im dying to know hers).

I was a little shocked at first and tried to play it cool with the stupid ass respond of "sup" (/nod + eye contact for a split second then look away and yea-come-on-hope-she-noticed-me mindset) I probaby acted the same way you described those guys in your class talking you. But things fall apart like they always do.... (which i think is the same for you in the following order...)

the akward silence..

Followed by the looking away from each other...
Then followed with her going back to her phone looking at something semi-interesting and me going back to my ipod, and in the back of both of our minds im sure we're waiting for our teacher to go back to his lecture so we have some excuse to "concentrate" with the task at hand.

Like clock work almost... m(_ _)m

Simular story amirite? high five?

: /

You know what I think puts guys off you Panda. Your so good looking that most guys would think they have no chance. Really you are a very good looking girl. If I seen a girl that looked as good as you and she had been seat in a pub all night on her own I still would not go up to her and talk. Cos I would not for one minute think I would even so much would get a pleasant look or word of her.

Sanal said:

I love shy girls too and is that you in your avi panda? Youre really pretty:shy:

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I really love the shy type as well. A girl that's to full on really scares me lol

The problem is am shy the shy girls are shy. How are we ever going to meet?

If only Panda was 10 years older lol I be to shy anyway haha

Yeah Bluey is probably closer to the truth. At least in the case of mutants like myself.