This is me...

Here's my story, please don't judge too harshly.

I'm overweight and have been my entire life (I weighed 9lbs at birth!) Elementary school sucked, and I went to an all-girls school in highschool, which sucked because i knew i was just delaying the inevitable. Now i'm in my 2nd attempt at 1st year of university. i have only a few friends left from highschool who are all busy, and no new friends. I use my weight as an excuse not to go out, see people and do things, and I want to kill myself most of the time. i've been working at my retail job for 2 years and barely know the people there. i push people away.

Being fat for me is a vicious cycle, perhaps best summed up by fat ******* in stupid austin powers: I eat because i'm depressed and i'm depressed because i eat.

i am so sad and lonely. friends are distant and busy, family don't understand and i'm a serial appointment-skipper, so i even stopped going to therapy.

i have this functioning shell that lives my "official" life, but the inside of me is unruly, ugly and dysfunctional.

I hear you AliceMay. I don't have many (if any) good memories from early school. A lot of people can be mean and judgemental, and they raise their children like that.  Don't be sad about life because of your weight. I've looked the same since I was twelve years old. When I was 13 I had my first drink in a bar. Those days are over. Now I feel more like a collected human being. Friends don't really make you feel better, they just complex things a little more. I think the best thing is to know that your're beautiful, and don't let anyone tell you different. When you feel beautiful, you look beautiful. Just stay confident. That's all you can do. Stay confident and hang in there. Are you a good person? Because it is impossible for good people to be ugly on the inside. I used to feel just like that. I had to stop caring what I looked like to other people, and just live. Us women are never happy with the way we look. And if you're a man, well they have the same kind of issues. We're all in the same boat, believe it or not. There's always someone who looks better, but hey, there's always people who will look worse (Sorry, that sounds shallow).One thing I can guarentee is that life is too special to just give up on.  The bad moments will pass, just like the good moments. Time goes too fast to put an end to yourself. If it makes you feel any better, a stranger in CA is thinking about you, and cares.
MUCH LOVE,
AMC

Thank you so much. Indeed, I am a good person. I think that's part of my problem, too! I want to help the world that hurts me on a regular basis. At least, I don't want to end up doing a soul-destroying job like working in retail for the rest of my life.
I think us lonely or depressed (or both!) have heard the things you're saying uttered a million times by just as many people, but we can never seem to take that step toward freedom or whatever we should be trying to achieve. I know that life is special and stuff, and I actually feel worse thinking that because I think about how much precious time I have wasted by being so self-absorbed and pathetic. It does help knowing that someone cares at least, and thanks for taking the time to read my post.

I understand how it can be to have a physical, social, and emotional struggle with weight and weighing more does not mean you're not beautiful and any suffering that you have gone through was not deserved. Try not to feel that you're being judged and that you have to be hard on yourself and hopefully more people will see how good a heart and personality you have. I also understand what it's like to have lost friends from high school, which sometimes does not dictate the rest of your life depending on how you approach the upcoming stages in your life.