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stardust

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Hi, I'm new. My name's Morgaine, almost everyone I know in the "online world" calls me "Morg" though. I'm twenty-four years old, living outside of Seattle in Washington state.

I registered here a few days ago, and then go figure, I had one of the upswings in mood that sometimes happens when you're bipolar and I thought, "Oh, I don't need to do anything like that, I'm fine!!! :D" ... Yeah. Well, that was a few days ago and I'm back, so we can see that wasn't very long lasting.

So, loneliness and me - I feel like a chronic sufferer of loneliness for various reasons. I literally don't have any family; I was adopted at birth so I don't know anyone I'm biologically related to and my adoptive "family" and I don't speak anymore if I can help it because I'm trying to put as much distance between me and them as possible because they're very abusive emotionally and physically. And I've always had a hard time making and keeping friends, that's not a new problem, it's something that's been an issue ever since I can remember. It seems that everyone else ends up changing, or moving away and I'm left behind. At present I only have two people I talk to locally that I consider "friends" but I don't see them very often.

At present my life feels very pointless; I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd screaming my head off but no one hears me or sees me.

I wake up, I eat breakfast, I go to work, I come home, I eat dinner, I get online for a while, I go to bed. Repeat. My big "escape" is the internet. I'm a rabid online story-based roleplayer because I find pretending to be other people intensely satisfying compared to my own life.

I live in a house with three other housemates I don't really like at all but the rent is the cheapest I can find in town and all I can afford. They come and go and have their own lives and I pretty much live here in my little office/bedroom. I want to go to University overseas but the cost of all my various medical needs (bipolar, celiac disease, chronic hip pain from a major past accident that makes walking a real effort sometimes) make that seem like a pipe dream and scholarships are pretty much out of the question because my past college record is pretty blotchy as far as grades from past "pit of despair" moments and two attempted suicides after hitting rock bottom.

I do try and get out and do things once in a while but they always seem to go wrong; today I went out after with the intention of going to the neat little coffee shop downtown only to discover after walking in that they were closed - the front door was unlocked, the lights were on, and the "open" sign was out but all the employees were just having a party so I left feeling like a complete idiot after they stared at me and went, "... Uh, why are you here, we're closed". I don't know if I have the worst luck or what, but odd things like that happen a lot to me.

So yeah. Loneliness is well known to me. Contrary to all of that I do have times when I'm intensely enthusiastic about life and I feel like I can climb Mount Everest and run a marathon and become queen for a day but those times are more and more often short lived.

And... yeah. That's me, and I'll apologize right now in advance for how long winded I can be, as evident above.
 
Morgaine, I found your story very touching. I am in no position to offer advice, but like I have said to others, I can stand in solidarity with you because I experience those awful feelings very often myself. I feel like a bit of a twit though because I do have biological family, but they're not very understanding. I think in the long run it doesn't matter whether your related or not, they're the only family you've ever known and they should have been there for you.

I also know something about having your dreams crushed because of practical considerations. Sometimes I feel it helps to talk about hopes and desires for the future, if only just to rationalize everything. Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk: [email protected]
 
A special welcome to you as you're very likely the only person on this site who is somewhat local to me. I understand the temptation and need to escape or to give up on life and I know that sometimes it may seem hopeless but you have to try to keep going in life because someday you can turn your circumstances around, face the odds, and make your life into how you would want it to be, whether it be by getting a new job or moving into a new place. I'm sorry that you haven't had the chance to get to know all of your family and that having an adoptive family did not guide you as greatly as you'd like but I understand how it can feel to be unloved or left behind because even though I'm usually reasonably close with my family, I sometimes feel like they don't love me enough or that they take me for granted. I often feel like they have me trapped in the life I've made for myself and that they help to hold me back in life. As for my friends, even with all the online friends I've made over the years, I've lost almost all of them within two years so now I try to turn my loneliness into independence. I know I may not live close enough to you but I do care about what you're going through and I feel I can relate to it and that you can talk to me anytime you're feeling down and you'll be able to count on me to care. Hopefully you'll accept me and the fellow members of this site to be friends and like a family for you. I also don't want you to give up on life because I'd like to hear about what you do for work and about your ambitions in life and other aspects to get to know you better.
 
Thank you for your responses, they were wonderful to wake up and find this morning, like candles in the dark. I'm really looking forward to being a member here because from reading through the threads I can see there's a lot of camaraderie to be found.
 
Morgaine, welcome to you.  I can so relate to you as, at present, my daughter is not speaking to me.  I have a lot of family and extended family, but seems there is a hole down deep inside my heart.  I am so glad you are finding some friends on here.  I think life is just basicly a lonely business at best.  There are always losses and each one leaves a little empty place.  It seems to me the only folks I know who are not lonely are those who are so busy with job kids etc. that they don't have time to think.  You can pm any of us if you just feel low and nobody there at the time.  We will just adopt you.  
 

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